Logo Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 (edited) haha I did drink too much, told him later on the phone that I'm rusty and need to slow my roll, was just having too much fun and got carried away. I should have switched to a non-alcoholic drink toward the end. He understood, agreed. But he impressed me in the first 10 minutes. Intelligence is way up there in importance for me. I could tell before we met he's a brainiac. Would you indulge me? What did he talk about or say that gave you the sense that he was very smart or very intelligent? You don't have to get into specifics if you don't want to reveal too much, but give me a general idea. I'm very curious. Edited October 3, 2018 by Logo 1
olivetree Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 You met online. It's a first meet/date in one. His behavior seems totally normal and preferable for the first time in person with someone Guys with their hands all over me from the get-go - I'd take them less seriously and assume they are more sex-driven. 1
BaileyB Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 Guys with their hands all over me from the get-go - I'd take them less seriously and assume they are more sex-driven. They wouldn't get a second date from me. 1
Sunlight72 Posted October 4, 2018 Posted October 4, 2018 Hi RubySlippers, I'm happy to hear you had such a good time I'm 47, and am in the camp that a first date is really early to be touching and kissing. But - if there are two types of guys, 'boyfriends' and 'husbands', I am definitely a husband type of man. I have married or dated (more than 2 dates) 5 women in my life. As such, I have a dis-connect with online dating. This thread gives me some idea why. I kissed my girlfriend on our third date, and that felt too early at the moment... though I was glad of it when she kissed me back. Now we're 7 months along, and I've been looking at rings for a month. Oh, and I am highly affectionate, and have a very high sex drive. I hope you have fun with your next dates together 3
BC1980 Posted October 4, 2018 Posted October 4, 2018 In don't see anything wrong with that. He's probably just being respectful. 1
thefooloftheyear Posted October 4, 2018 Posted October 4, 2018 Before you all crown him as Mr Goody Pants... Remember ....She took his arm....He did nothing.....She cozied up on the couch, and he kept distance..I guess it's fair that there was no hug or good night kiss? It would be one thing if there was no chemistry and they were just playing it out to be respectful, but she's not indicating that... And I am not saying the night should have ended with her swinging from the chandelier, but the way this guy acted isn't being "respectful", IMO....Its either lack of experience or some other deal...We are talking mid 40's people here. . This is not, nor should it be, awkward kids stuff anymore... Not saying its a done deal, but I think its worth being questioned...Hence the reason for the thread...RS is no dope... .02 TFY 1
Author Ruby Slippers Posted October 4, 2018 Author Posted October 4, 2018 I appreciate all the opinions, but now that I've absorbed them and interacted with him a bit more, I'm not worried about it. My philosophy on romance is this: Let the man do what he wants. If you like it, stay. If you don't like it, go. That's what I'll do. Unless he really wins me over and locks me down, I'll consider dating others if anyone cool appears. I'm mostly unimpressed with the dating site guys - he's been a surprising exception so far - but I'm beginning to get a social life again after a hiatus, doing things I love where I'm sure I'll make new friends and meet cool men. He hasn't been perfect, but nobody is. He's also a texter not a phone caller, which I'm not crazy about. thefooloftheyear, he did hug me to start and end the date. I'm beginning to think the general consensus here is correct - he's a good guy, likes me, and doesn't want to flub it up by taking too many liberties. He's by far my best candidate at the moment, just tonight sent me a flyer for a cool, fun dance-oriented event that's right up my alley - and combines nicely with one of his great loves. The fact is I like him so much as a person, I'd be happy just to hang out with him as friends. I don't think that's where it's going, as he's doing all the legwork of planning dates, etc. About his intelligence... it's hard to summarize, but basically, we talked at a high level about a huge variety of topics, from art to science, the state of the world and what can be done to fix some of the huge problems plaguing humanity, technology and science, psychology, music, film, running a business, his creative side ventures that are taking off, physics, emotional intelligence, on and on. I don't mean to brag, but I've always been a big brainiac, and even the smartest men I've dated sometimes can't hang with me in that realm. It's refreshing and exciting to be in conversation with a man who can not only keep up with me intellectually, but challenge me and keep my on my toes. His breadth of knowledge is just staggering. Finally, in the smarts department, I feel like I'm with a real man - if that makes any sense. That, to me, is super, super hot, even if we hadn't yet touched at all. Second date is tomorrow, and I'm pumped Is the The One? No idea. Could be! Right now, I'm just enjoying 4
Veronica73 Posted October 4, 2018 Posted October 4, 2018 (edited) This! It’s not the norm to get physical at the first date. In my case i never had a man kiss me at the first date, or even hold hands , including my husband. My ex-husband (yes I know he is an ex, but still it was a very important relationship in my life and he was by far the best boyfriend I ever had) held my hand and gave me a sweet goodnight kiss on our first date. It was wonderful. Super smart, good conversationalist. The best type of men. They don't butter you up with sweet words and hands down your pants, they plan dates, call, text and follow through. All good things. Important things. This x 100. But if they have all the rest to back everything up, hands down the pants is okay, lol! {snip} He hasn't been perfect, but nobody is. He's also a texter not a phone caller, which I'm not crazy about. thefooloftheyear, he did hug me to start and end the date. I'm beginning to think the general consensus here is correct - he's a good guy, likes me, and doesn't want to flub it up by taking too many liberties. He's by far my best candidate at the moment, just tonight sent me a flyer for a cool, fun dance-oriented event that's right up my alley - and combines nicely with one of his great loves. The fact is I like him so much as a person, I'd be happy just to hang out with him as friends. I don't think that's where it's going, as he's doing all the legwork of planning dates, etc. He sounds pretty great. Edited October 4, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
nospam99 Posted October 6, 2018 Posted October 6, 2018 Second date is tomorrow, and I'm pumped (Bringing it over to YOUR thread...) And?
Author Ruby Slippers Posted October 6, 2018 Author Posted October 6, 2018 The second date was basically the same - he hit it out of the park in every way except the one. Chaste hug to start and end. He touched me on the shoulder at one point and made a slightly flirtatious comment. Progress, I guess? He also set up taking a few pictures of me, which is kinda romantic, I suppose? I took some cool ones of him, too, and one together. Also once more refused to let me pay for anything, even a round of drinks, which I guess makes it a date? We have a great time together, but I feel at this rate he's going to feel more and more like a friend. I'll see him again if he asks, but if another good man with a little throwdown appears, I'm sure I'll be heavily swayed. I haven't had sex in a year, dying to get it on, not into casual but feeling inclined lately, and this is only making me want a primal physical experience more. Still, he's a cool guy. I'm glad to know him in any case!
BaileyB Posted October 6, 2018 Posted October 6, 2018 It will be the third date, what's stopping you from taking his hand, cuddling into his shoulder, or giving him a little kiss. Just saying, you don't have to wait for him... Sometimes, men need only to know that the light is green. Although, I still say no rush on the first or second date. Nothing you have described would worry me or cause me to put him in the friendzone. I think you are perhaps a little impatient.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted October 6, 2018 Author Posted October 6, 2018 Like I said, I'll see him again if he asks. But I think intuition and feelings are a good gauge. I already find myself wondering if he's even attracted to me. Not a romantic or sexy feeling! I found my gaze drifting over and over to a couple nearby who appeared to be on a much flirtier, spicier date, so much that I think he noticed! I'm not making the first moves. Huge turn-OFF for me. I like a man who's a go-getter, and if he's not that, it'll never work.
nospam99 Posted October 6, 2018 Posted October 6, 2018 I haven't had sex in a year, dying to get it on, not into casual but feeling inclined lately, and this is only making me want a primal physical experience more. FWIW, this is ABSOLUTELY NOT what I'd want to hear if I was the guy in question. Ruby, would you feel comfortable asking him verbally why he hasn't gotten more 'physical'? Warning: believe it or not some men might have their 'slutdar' dialed up so high that they'd interpret too much 'forwardness' as a sign that the lady is 'too easy'. (i.e. so interested in sex that the chance of an LTR was minimal and e.g. if a woman initiated fellatio on a first date, I'd probably assume she was not relationship material.) If that's the case, there may be no way for you to 'win'. However, with all the other positives you say are in play, I'm encouraging you to attempt 'patient (VERBAL) negotiation' before giving up.
BaileyB Posted October 6, 2018 Posted October 6, 2018 (edited) Like I said, I'll see him again if he asks. But I think intuition and feelings are a good gauge. I already find myself wondering if he's even attracted to me. Not a romantic or sexy feeling! I found my gaze drifting over and over to a couple nearby who appeared to be on a much flirtier, spicier date, so much that I think he noticed! I'm not making the first moves. Huge turn-OFF for me. I like a man who's a go-getter, and if he's not that, it'll never work. Well, only you know what you want and this isn't it, then you have to listen to your gut. Different people want different things and it's not wrong to want what you want. The risk is that you may end it too soon and you will never know if he would be more passionate when he feels more comfortable. Don't forget the couple on the flirtier, spicier date were likely not on their second date. For all you know, they have been dating for six months or they are on their "honeymoon." You can't compare your second date to another couple who are clearly more comfortable and familiar with each other. Regardless, if what you are looking for to make you feel like he is "into you" is a man who is all over you and wants to have sex before dating and getting to know you, then this is clearly not your guy. Edited October 6, 2018 by BaileyB 1
nospam99 Posted October 6, 2018 Posted October 6, 2018 Confession: I'm identifying with the guy, but pleading 'not guilty' to his reported level of 'respect' - unless the lady 'colded' me, I'd have gone for the kiss on date 1 and the gentle ass caress during the hug no later than date 2. 1
Author Ruby Slippers Posted October 6, 2018 Author Posted October 6, 2018 I wouldn't want to talk about it at this point. He is who he is, and discussing where he's falling short isn't going to change that. I think it's best to accept someone as he is, then take it or leave it. Maybe if there's another date. I am starting to feel weird about him spending money on nice dates when I already know this is an issue, so it probably won't be long before I speak up. I've figured out I'm both highly cerebral and highly physical - lifelong athletic tennis player, and I've learned how important it is to spend as much time in my body as in my head. I like and need a man who gets that, too. He may just be too in his head for me. Definktely, if I reach the point where I'm ready to walk away, I'll communicate this to him somehow. I'm a big believer in being 100% honest - and tactful - about what's not working, so he has all the info and can adjust if he wants to, either with me or the next woman.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted October 6, 2018 Author Posted October 6, 2018 Confession: I'm identifying with the guy, but pleading 'not guilty' to his reported level of 'respect' - unless the lady 'colded' me, I'd have gone for the kiss on date 1 and the gentle ass caress during the hug no later than date 2. That would have been perfect!
FMW Posted October 6, 2018 Posted October 6, 2018 As you've indicated yourself, OP, I think maybe you just aren't on the same page/compatible in your comfort and need for physical connection, at least as far as timing goes. Something to note, that may or may not resonate with you, I've noticed that some of my guy friends, a few of which show more than just friendly interest, are flirty and touchy with me and I've gotten used to that in particular settings (live music events where I spend a lot of my free time). When a guy comes along that DOESN'T act the same way I immediately assume he's not interested in me, even if friends say they say they think he might be. So if you've had more frequent interactions with these other types of guys then you come to see that as the norm and throws off your perception. But it still might be an indication of incompatibility. I'm with you on not wanting to have to be the one who makes the first move. 2
MaleIntuition Posted October 6, 2018 Posted October 6, 2018 Great example on how to be friend zoned I suppose. And no, it’s not about “respecting” boundaries, it’s just about him being inexperienced. 2
BaileyB Posted October 6, 2018 Posted October 6, 2018 (edited) Something to note, that may or may not resonate with you, I've noticed that some of my guy friends, a few of which show more than just friendly interest, are flirty and touchy with me and I've gotten used to that. When a guy comes along that DOESN'T act the same way I immediately assume he's not interested in me, even if friends say they say they think he might be. So if you've had more frequent interactions with these other types of guys then you come to see that as the norm and throws off your perception. Finding my way said it much better that I could, but this is exactly what I am wondering is happening here. It's part of the reason why I have been encouraging you to give it more time, because you seem a little impatient and quick to make assumptions. But still, if you are not feeling it and you are starting to feel badly that he is spending money when you know you are not feeling it, you should not drag it on... But, it is certainly acceptable for a few dates because you are trying to determine if it will become something... I remember your first post, when you described your date and your feelings toward him. You were quite excited. Better to give it more time, than less, to see what happens... Edited October 6, 2018 by BaileyB
thefooloftheyear Posted October 6, 2018 Posted October 6, 2018 Like I said, I'll see him again if he asks. But I think intuition and feelings are a good gauge. I already find myself wondering if he's even attracted to me. Not a romantic or sexy feeling! I found my gaze drifting over and over to a couple nearby who appeared to be on a much flirtier, spicier date, so much that I think he noticed! I'm not making the first moves. Huge turn-OFF for me. I like a man who's a go-getter, and if he's not that, it'll never work. So does practically every woman on Earth...I don't know what the deal is, but this sounds a lot like the guy NoGo was dealing with some time ago...These guys don't have any internal male guidance on what to do with a woman...IIRC, she went on a number of dates with the guy and he acted a lot like this guy... Sounds like you don't want to be the advisor/teacher here...I don't blame you... TFY 2
elaine567 Posted October 6, 2018 Posted October 6, 2018 And no, it’s not about “respecting” boundaries, it’s just about him being inexperienced. He's that inexperienced at 46???
Author Ruby Slippers Posted October 6, 2018 Author Posted October 6, 2018 Sounds like you don't want to be the advisor/teacher here...I don't blame you... True. If I have to tell a guy to please hold my hand... We haven't talked about relationship history at all, just focused on who we are and what we want in life. Other than this issue, I don't get the impression he's inexperienced, but I guess how would I know, really? He's an attractive guy, looks good, stylish in a relaxed way that I like, even started working with a trainer a while back. His arms are amazing, love his masculine frame. I do get the impression he's very professionally accomplished, consumed with his career, and not long ago started a creative side business that's taking off. He also seems to have a very active social life, goes out with friends almost every day. Anyway, time will tell. 1
coolheadal Posted October 6, 2018 Posted October 6, 2018 (edited) <SNIP> This is all fine and dandy, except... he didn't touch me much at all, except to hug me at the beginning and end. I took his arm as we were walking to the show, said something cutesy like, "I'm just gonna take your arm." He seemed to like that, kinda puffed up when I did. During the show I was wishing he would hold my hand or something. Later we sat on the couch at the bar. I sat down first and every time he came back with drinks, he sat a foot away from me. I touched his arm a tiny bit when talking, but not much. I like a go-getter, ya know, don't wanna wear the pants. <SNIP> He might be germophobic. You should have asked him from the start how does he feel about touching. Before you get too serious about him. Then again he might be the type that doesn't show affection with touch. You do need to talk to him about it. You seem to want that in a relationship. Tell me has he ever been married? Edited October 6, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
coolheadal Posted October 6, 2018 Posted October 6, 2018 True. If I have to tell a guy to please hold my hand... We haven't talked about relationship history at all, just focused on who we are and what we want in life. Other than this issue, I don't get the impression he's inexperienced, but I guess how would I know, really? He's an attractive guy, looks good, stylish in a relaxed way that I like, even started working with a trainer a while back. His arms are amazing, love his masculine frame. I do get the impression he's very professionally accomplished, consumed with his career, and not long ago started a creative side business that's taking off. He also seems to have a very active social life, goes out with friends almost every day. Anyway, time will tell. 1. germophobic 2. doesn't like to be touched 3. medical issue He's not shy. When you got him to hold your hand did he hold you or was like he was barely holding your hand?
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