sunaddict1 Posted September 9, 2005 Posted September 9, 2005 about 5 years ago i started dating this guy who swept me off my feet. we dated for about 2 years and split up b/c he was partying too much and lying about it. We were apart for about 8 months. i got over him fast b/c he was turning into a loser. i was getting ready to graduate from dental school and start a career. so after we were apart for the 8 months i ran into him at a bar...we had fireworks again! It was love all over again. during those 8 months we would meet for dinner or talk on the phone occasionally but nothing even close to getting back together. so we dated for another 2 years and moved in with each other. he started going to grad school and i supported us. he broke up with me last year after we had a big falling out about the bills. i was so upset. i told him i would change by not being to stressed all the time about stupid stuff. so a month later we got back together again. and then we moved in again. well in the last year things went downhill again. I became very depressed and unmotivated. i was in debt...we lived in poverty...i hated myself for gaining some weight...and i couldnt get out of the state i was in. I was always negative and worried a lot. so our relationship was falling apart. i knew what i was doing but i thought he would stick by me. he told me i was making him unhappy and i needed to fix things. well a month ago he broke it off. he just got a job 2 hours away and moved there. all our friends are still here so he comes home often. at first i called him everyday and we would talk. now i backed off and we talk maybe 1-2 a week if that. i ran into him last weekend and we ended up going home together htat night. my bad!!! i found out that night he was talking to all these girls trying to hook up with them. I knew he was ont he phone with them right in front of me. but i dint care b/c he was with me. then i started thinking about it....he was on the phone with girls right in front of me. then i asked if he was sleeping with anyone and he said no...he gave soem details about girls wanting him that i didnt need to know. i am sooooo confused. he told me that there is no way we could have gotten married the way things were. he told me that he is not sure of what the future will hold with us but right now we cant be together. he said our relationship is a bad circle that keeps forming. i dont know what to do..i am sooo lost and confused. i dont know how to act or what to do or where to turn. i am soooo depressed! help!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mary3 Posted September 9, 2005 Posted September 9, 2005 Well lets see ..so far : He's a loser He's Mr Party Boy He does not carry the financial load ie ; moocher , loser, lamer. He went to school , you supported both of you , putting you both in debt. The pond scum then says you need to shore up and fix yourself after being depressed ( who can blame you ) and eating your way out of attractiveness. You thought he would stay despite your weight gain ( you were wrong about that part sadly ) Then he moves away. Leaving you in debt. ( Oh hey , thanks for paying for everything while he got an education ! ) Then you lose your self respect right in front of him while he chats other girls and God knows he probrobly slept with girls and tells you : " No honey " Heres the GOOD NEWS Throw a Party ! You aren't with Mr Loser anymore Weeee ! Celebrate Right now you are sad but its good hes gone. Keep it that way.
Asmera Posted September 9, 2005 Posted September 9, 2005 I feel your pain! I've been there as well! If you feel like you are in a one-sided relationship, you probably are, and it sounds like it was! Someone once told me that one day (soon) you will wake up and be so flipping thankful he's out of your life. It was hard to believe, but it did come true! Know that you put forth a great effort and someday someone will appreciate it and not just use you! It sounds like you really lost yourself in this relationship, and that is NEVER acceptable! Look after number one...........that's you!
jhurtinct Posted September 9, 2005 Posted September 9, 2005 It doesn't sound like he's a great guy at all or someone you should be hurt over, I know it's hard right now and it sucks but try and keep yourself busy and enjoy things you like to do. Go talk to someone professionally get through your rough times the right way. That phone call he made in front of you should be a wake up call in your mind of what he really is, and to top it he tells you about girls that want him- let them have him #1 there probably won't be anyone to put up with his s*** and #2 let him treat them that way and be VERY thankful it's not you. i got over him fast b/c he was turning into a loser. You did it once sounds like he hasn't changed.--sorry my heart does hurt for u i was getting ready to graduate from dental school and start a career sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and you can make it big, work hard at that put all of your energy in to you and your life. try and keep strong don't let anyone bring you down..
Candy Cane Posted September 9, 2005 Posted September 9, 2005 I guess I have to disagree with everyone here. It sounds as though you started falling apart and he needed to leave for his own emotional well being. You can understand that, right? You didn't want to be around him when he was in a similar situation by partying too much and lying. If I were you, I'd tell him that you agree with his analysis of the relationship and that you do need some time to get your act together. Tell him that you would appreciate it if he would keep in touch but to give you the space you need to resolve whatever issues are making you depressed. And then, I'd work on those issues. Go to a counselor if you need to. Find a job that you enjoy. Join a gym. Make some girlfriends. Put him on the back burner until you are emotionally healthy again...and then see what happens at that point. He doesn't sound all that bad to me. It sounds like he tried to tell you that things needed to change. Perhaps he needed to leave in order to motivate you to change. Perhaps he's trying to help you. Well, just my thoughts on the matter. Let us know how things go!
Author sunaddict1 Posted September 10, 2005 Author Posted September 10, 2005 well let me tell you about what happened last night. we went to a concert together last night with some friends. we both drank a lot and at first he was being really sweet to me. then we went to go get everyone drinks. he ran out of money at the beer stand so i stayed while he went to go get money at the atm machine. i waited 20 min. and he didnt come back...so i went looking for him. i found him just standing there talking to a bunch of people. i was pissed!!!!!!!!!! he left me there while he was off. so i figured o-well he is drunk. then yelled at him for doing that and he couldnt understand why i was mad. so we got back to our spot with our friends and i just ignored him. i turned around and he left. so we finished the concert and went back to the car. he finally called our FRIEND to see where we were. so we waited and he got back to the car. HE WAS WASTED!!!!!!!!!!! so he got int he back and started hitting on my friend in the back seat. rubbingon her and so i turned around and slapped him. hard! i yelled at him and he acted like he wasnt doing anything wrong. so we all go out to the bar and he leaves us. he sat at the bar with a girl and hit on her. so i went off and met some men and ignored him. as we were leaving the bar....the guys i just met started talking crap to my ex. so there was a HUGE fight in the parking lot and my ex is not a fighter. i was crying and telling all the guys to stop. so we went back home with all our friends and what do i do....i slept with him!!!!!!!!! i just wanted everything to be ok. this morning he was sweet and said he was sorry if he was a jerk last night. then he invited 2 different guy friends to breakfast and didnt ask me. what is up with that? i am dying all over again!!!!!!!!! i set this up and look how i got treated. was he just drunk? my friend told me that he must be out of love with me. i dont know what to do or think. should i not call him anymore? what?
Candy Cane Posted September 10, 2005 Posted September 10, 2005 That's totally messed up. It doesn't sound like he respects you at all...and you let him get away with this and then reward him for bad behavior by sleeping wit him. No, I wouldn't call him. And don't just go running back to him when he calls you. Tell him that things just aren't working out and that you need him to leave you alone for awhile. Then, get yourself together...
Author sunaddict1 Posted September 10, 2005 Author Posted September 10, 2005 i am so scared to tell him to leave me alone. I dont want to loose him forever. I dont know...he has a lot of growing up to do! He definatley didnt respect me that night. why would he not respect me though....after 5 years. I dont get that! Was it just the alcohol or was it really him? He was wasted...but i believe you still know what you are doing. I get drunk too but i would never disrespect anyone let alone him. I know i am too good for that and i need to move on...but the love that i have for him is too powerful! I loose all my inhibitions. I feel so out of control with my feelings and emotions. I dont want to make the wrong move!
Candy Cane Posted September 10, 2005 Posted September 10, 2005 Oh, it's very doubtful that he's going to leave you forever. What do you want to do? Do you want to excuse his behavior because he was drunk and settle for how he treats you even when he's not drunk (ie: not inviting you for breakfast)? If you're okay with that, then carry on! Things between you two are just a little messed up right now. You both need some time apart as to grow. In fact, I would venture to say that if you do not take some time apart, your relationship will continue to deteriorate.
Author sunaddict1 Posted September 11, 2005 Author Posted September 11, 2005 You are so right! I know...he actually called me today and apologized several times for being the "sorry ex boyfriend". He wanted to meet up if i were going to go out in the area he was at. So i told him maybe and never called. he is such a big partier and i am not. He likes to flirt and be around people. I think he has a low self estem and by flirting, when he is drunk, it helps him feel good about himself. I told him he has a lot of growing up to do. what do i do when i am feeling sad and want to call him? we do need our space now...but he lives 2 hours away. i guess that makes it easier for us... i am a good girl and he will realize it...but he has to date others to realize it. that is going to be hard for me. i just dont want to be sad about this anymore.
Author sunaddict1 Posted September 12, 2005 Author Posted September 12, 2005 thanks guys! i really appreciate your advice. anymore advice for me? i need as much as i can get.
Author sunaddict1 Posted September 13, 2005 Author Posted September 13, 2005 wow guys!!!!! i really need your support and everyone stopped writing me. you all had good advice and that is what is keeping me strong. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!
Candy Cane Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 He apologized for being the "ex-boyfriend." That should tell you something right there...and that is you're still broken up and if you continue to see him it will be on his terms only. My ex contacted me today too...and I couldn't respond. Why? Because he's still choosing to ignore the issues that drove us apart. He wants a relationship on his terms only and that's not going to happen. So...be strong...know in your heart that things will work out in the end only if you are true to yourself.
Author sunaddict1 Posted September 13, 2005 Author Posted September 13, 2005 i know candy cane! it is on his terms. he did apologize over and over though. so atleast he saw how he acted. i had a bad today thinking about him. i just dont understand why he acts that way whenever he gets drunk. he knows i am hurting! why is it so easy to hurt me more when he gets drunk. i htought he would be on me more b/c he was drunk. i know he did get jealous when i talked to other guys that night. i look at all the bad in the relationship and it was bad when he drank. i was very insecure when he would drink. how can i tell him that? i still am dying to call him!!!!!!!!!! how can i not do it!??
Candy Cane Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 Envision having the conversation and how it is probably going to go and what the likely outcome will be. If you are honest with yourself and are satisfied with that outcome, then call him. If you are not, then don't call him.
Author sunaddict1 Posted September 14, 2005 Author Posted September 14, 2005 well our conversations go pretty good. they arent bad conversations. it is just not him telling me he misses me and wants me back. i know i need to give him time to miss me. i just have the hardest time not callin him. i feel like if i stop calling him, it will make it easier for him to moe on.
Candy Cane Posted September 14, 2005 Posted September 14, 2005 well our conversations go pretty good. they arent bad conversations. it is just not him telling me he misses me and wants me back. i know i need to give him time to miss me. i just have the hardest time not callin him. i feel like if i stop calling him, it will make it easier for him to moe on. If you aren't getting what you want from the conversations, then there's no reason to call. Don't worry about him moving on. He will if that's what he intends to do anyway. Calling him isn't going to stop it. In fact, it might accelerate things.
Kitteney Posted September 15, 2005 Posted September 15, 2005 i am so scared to tell him to leave me alone. I dont want to loose him forever. ... definatley didnt respect me that night. why would he not respect me though....after 5 years. What is it about yourself that you hate so much that you would rather endure his abuse than run the risk of being alone? He didn't disrespect you just that night, he has disrespected you every night. Your posts list numerous accounts of this pattern of behavior. The way you describe it, I can see how he has slowly but surely chipped away at your self esteem. Remember this, no one wil respect you if you do not respect yourself. It is perfectly normal to be scared to do something new... like be alone. What is not normal is doing the same thing over and over and over again and expecting a different outcome.
Author sunaddict1 Posted September 16, 2005 Author Posted September 16, 2005 he has slowly chipped away at not only my self estem but he had given me insecurities in the relationship too. i dont think i was a bad gf. i just tried to keep him in line and babysit. when we went out i woul watch him all night. i never had him protect me and watch over me. but i still love him and love makes yo so blind. i just dont htink i am ever going to find anyone. the bar scene sucks....guys are too nervous to approach you. people tell me i am intimidating. i am an average girl i think 5'4'' 135 pounds. ...bbut guys like the super skinny girls i thought. i saw this guy last night...we were both sitting at the bar eyeing each other and some dumb girl had to go up to him and talk to him first. so my chances were ruined! i feel like justin took away all my faith in relationships. i know in order to get over someone...finding someone can make it easier....but the single life isnt so easy itself.
Recommended Posts