hope18 Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 Hi everyone! Wow.. it's been about 6 months since I've been on this site. For anyone who knows my previous posts about my ex last year, hi again! I am happy to say that a year after our breakup I took months off to myself, learned how to be happy- truly happy- on my own without even going on a date. It was a soul searching experience and I am so happy to finally be over my ex and in love with myself instead. I took that dude off his damn pedestal. Flash forward to today! About a month ago, I started seeing this guy. We had talked over instagram a few times over the summer through a mutual friend who found out we live near each other and are going to the same college. We finally met in person about a month ago and let me tell you the second he sat down, my heart said "oh sh*t" (in a good way). Anywho, he waited a week to even kiss me which was highly refreshing. He'll do boyfriend-like things such as come over just to cuddle/nap, kiss my forehead while I'm "sleeping", hangout with my friends who annoy him just to be around me, buy my coffee/food etc. So everything is great, right? Well there are a few red flags that have been popping up as of a few days ago. First, he isn't great at showing emotions. He's not much of a hugger (I am lol), and the last time I heard about his feelings for me from his own mouth was when he told me he liked me when we first met. Granted he shows through actions, but words aren't his forte. He's not the best at comforting me when I'm stressed because I honestly think he just doesn't know how. He also hasn't put much effort into getting to know me outside of this college setting, i.e my family, passions and anything beyond music and movies, whereas I want to know everything about him. He started getting really distant, as of two days ago pretty much stopped flirting with me all together except for an occasional kissy-face emoji and goodnight/good morning texts. He still talks to me throughout the day and hangs out with me more than anyone else, and when I do see him in person he's his normal self (just more tired). I'm trying not to take the distant thing personally because he talked to me last night when he couldn't hangout about how stressed he is. It's midterm week so he has a 7 page paper to write by sunday, 3 exams, a group project, on top of basketball practice and three clubs. He doesn't handle stress well so I think it's more that than anything personal towards me. I'm planning on talking to him this weekend about where we stand in his mind and I'm going to make it clear that I am 100% not pressuring him to commit to a relationship right now, I just want to know where his head is at and IF we are headed in that direction, there are a few things he needs to improve on. Like putting a little more effort into using his words/expressing his emotion, not treating me like I'm nothing more than a friend in public but then slow dancing with me in his room while watching Me Before You when we're alone. And also being more appreciative when I try to help him or do favors for him. It is important to note he has never had a girlfriend before (he's only 19 and went to an all male high school). I also don't want people to think I'm ignoring the red flags that show he may be emotionally unavailable, if I've learned anything in the past year it's to pay attention to all of the signs, that's why I haven't jumped into anything serious with him. I'm hoping all it will take is a conversation and me being honest about the things that bother me (I don't think I'm asking for much). Any advice? I don't want to come off as telling him what to do, I just want him to know the things I personally need in a relationship if that's the direction we're headed in.
BaileyB Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 (edited) Well, this is exciting. A few thoughts... First, he isn't great at showing emotions. He's not much of a hugger (I am lol), and the last time I heard about his feelings for me from his own mouth was when he told me he liked me when we first met. Granted he shows through actions, but words aren't his forte. Neither is my boyfriend. He teases me that he told me once that he loves me, I should just assume that this is true unless he tells me otherwise. Seriously, he does tell me he loves me often. He just doesn’t offer frequent compliments of whisper sweet nothings... Do I wish he was more expressive - sure. But, lots of men are not expressive. I chose to love him anyway. He's not the best at comforting me when I'm stressed because I honestly think he just doesn't know how. Not really his job. It’s your job to learn how to manage your stress and self regulate your emotions. Be realistic with your expectations. He also hasn't put much effort into getting to know me outside of this college setting, i.e my family, passions and anything beyond music and movies, whereas I want to know everything about him. He is not you. Don't expect him to do what you would do - you will be disappointed every time. Besides, it's only been a month! And he's only 19. Music and movies are it! Just give it some time. He started getting really distant, as of two days ago pretty much stopped flirting with me all together except for an occasional kissy-face emoji and goodnight/good morning texts. He still talks to me throughout the day and hangs out with me more than anyone else, and when I do see him in person he's his normal self (just more tired). I'm trying not to take the distant thing personally because he talked to me last night when he couldn't hangout about how stressed he is. It's midterm week so he has a 7 page paper to write by sunday, 3 exams, a group project, on top of basketball practice and three clubs. He doesn't handle stress well so I think it's more that than anything personal towards me. Read that again, everything he has to do this week, and then ask yourself if you are expecting too much from this guy? Seriously. He is a student, it’s midterm week, I think you are lucky to be getting a good morning text. And don’t forget - nobody can keep up the texting and flirting that happens early in a relationship. At some point, it drops off... midterm week is it! I'm planning on talking to him this weekend about where we stand in his mind and I'm going to make it clear that I am 100% not pressuring him to commit to a relationship right now, I just want to know where his head is at and IF we are headed in that direction, there are a few things he needs to improve on. Like putting a little more effort into using his words/expressing his emotion, not treating me like I'm nothing more than a friend in public but then slow dancing with me in his room while watching Me Before You when we're alone. And also being more appreciative when I try to help him or do favors for him. Sure, go ahead and have that discussion with him during midterms when he is stressed and overwhelmed with school - let’s see how that goes for you. I'm planning on talking to him this weekend about where we stand in his mind and I'm going to make it clear that I am 100% not pressuring him to commit to a relationship right now, I just want to know where his head is at and IF we are headed in that direction, there are a few things he needs to improve on. Lol. You are 100% not pressuring him to commit to a relationship but, you need to know right now if this is going to be a relationship. And, I wouldn't use the words "improve on..." Use those words and you will most definitely sound like you are telling him exactly what to do... with the underlying meaning being that what he is doing is not good enough for you. It is important to note he has never had a girlfriend before (he's only 19 and went to an all male high school). All the more reason to cut him a little slack and give him a little more time and encouragement. I also don't want people to think I'm ignoring the red flags that show he may be emotionally unavailable, if I've learned anything in the past year it's to pay attention to all of the signs, that's why I haven't jumped into anything serious with him. I'm hoping all it will take is a conversation and me being honest about the things that bother me (I don't think I'm asking for much). Any advice? I don't want to come off as telling him what to do, I just want him to know the things I personally need in a relationship if that's the direction we're headed in. Always a good idea to take things slow - it’s good that you haven’t jumped into anything serious with him. It’s fine to communicate your expectations with him, just make sure that your expectations are reasonable. If anything, I think you will come off as a woman who has a lot of expectations one month into a very new relationship... And perhaps, someone who is not very compassionate to the stress he is feeling at school. If you do communicate what you need in a relationship, he will then decide if it is something that he can do. My best advice - don't communicate your expectations during midterm week. And, don’t give him a grocery list of things he should do if he wants to date you... really think about what is most important to you and let the other things go... Good luck! Edited October 3, 2018 by BaileyB
Recommended Posts