jess060191 Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 Hi Everyone... long story but I will try to keep it short. I will name him Chris, met him back in April, ever since the day we met we talked everyday. Though we didn't get to see each other often because we lived 2 hours apart and both have busy lives.... we ended things in July over a miscommunication that ended up in an argument. I reached out to him a couple of weeks after we ended things to make amends and from that moment on, we would talk here and there. Unfortunately he ended up having a family crisis and is now without his home. Since then, he has been reaching out to me everyday, multiple times a day. At first I let it go because I figured he needed someone to talk to. But I finally said something because I still have feelings for him and want to know where his head is at about us. Though he talks to me everyday, he doesn't try to make plans with me or doesn't really flirt with me or say anything that shows he is still interested in me. And though I know he is going through a lot I do see that he still has a social life, so it offends me that he does not try to see me or even try to bring "us" up. So his respond was that he does want to with me but he cannot be in a relationship at the moment because of everything that is going on and it wouldn't be fair to put me in a situation like that because I deserve the best. He also stated that he does want to see me and that I may be overreacting. I told him I have a hard time believing him. He proceeded to tell me that if it wasn't for this situation that he is going through that things would be different and he is not just giving me an excuse to not be with me. So then I said how it is not fair to me regardless because what am I suppose to do? Wait around and hope for the best? And his response was that though he does not know what the future holds that he would be honest with me if his feelings changed towards me once he is settled again. He also said he is not seeing anyone else or talking to anyone else besides me. I am just so confused and torn, EVERYONE tells me to run but for whatever reason I cannot. HELP!
Zahara Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 I am just so confused and torn, EVERYONE tells me to run but for whatever reason I cannot. HELP! It's not that you cannot -- you don't want to because you're not ready and you're hopeful and desperate for something to transpire between the two of you. So you keep holding on. I'm sure the fear of not having him in your life is a factor as well. I think he's being upfront with you. While he is comfortable with the interaction he currently has with you, he can't give you anything more. He enjoys the support and the companionship but that does not mean he wants a relationship. I understand he is likely distracted by his living/financial situation. But the fact that he is being wishy washy about you and what the future holds, I'd advise you to cut contact and move on. Usually that is a sign that someone is trying to keep you on the backburner while they transition to the next phase. You both have different expectations. The longer you hover, the more pain you create for yourself. Plus, two hours away from each other along with the ambivalence, I don't see how it could survive. 3
Author jess060191 Posted October 2, 2018 Author Posted October 2, 2018 Yeah you are right its just so hard and it sucks so bad but i do need to move on...
Zahara Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 Yeah you are right its just so hard and it sucks so bad but i do need to move on... If contact is causing you pain and creating more attachment, then it's in your best interest to move on. It's hard to be friendly when you are emotional about someone. I'm sorry you are hurting. Just know that in time you will get over this. It doesn't seem that way now but it won't always be this way. 1
Versacehottie Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 Hi Everyone... long story but I will try to keep it short. I will name him Chris, met him back in April, ever since the day we met we talked everyday. Though we didn't get to see each other often because we lived 2 hours apart and both have busy lives.... we ended things in July over a miscommunication that ended up in an argument. I reached out to him a couple of weeks after we ended things to make amends and from that moment on, we would talk here and there. Unfortunately he ended up having a family crisis and is now without his home. Since then, he has been reaching out to me everyday, multiple times a day. At first I let it go because I figured he needed someone to talk to. But I finally said something because I still have feelings for him and want to know where his head is at about us. Though he talks to me everyday, he doesn't try to make plans with me or doesn't really flirt with me or say anything that shows he is still interested in me. And though I know he is going through a lot I do see that he still has a social life, so it offends me that he does not try to see me or even try to bring "us" up. So his respond was that he does want to with me but he cannot be in a relationship at the moment because of everything that is going on and it wouldn't be fair to put me in a situation like that because I deserve the best. He also stated that he does want to see me and that I may be overreacting. I told him I have a hard time believing him. He proceeded to tell me that if it wasn't for this situation that he is going through that things would be different and he is not just giving me an excuse to not be with me. So then I said how it is not fair to me regardless because what am I suppose to do? Wait around and hope for the best? And his response was that though he does not know what the future holds that he would be honest with me if his feelings changed towards me once he is settled again. He also said he is not seeing anyone else or talking to anyone else besides me. I am just so confused and torn, EVERYONE tells me to run but for whatever reason I cannot. HELP! I agree with Zahara. I would also add that one way to wrap your head around something that is difficult to do would be to basically say to him the reverse and kinda a repeat of what he said to you above (bolded). Something like: "I understand and while I understand your situation, I can't be in contact or a pseudo relationship with you because i have to live and take care of my life. It's nothing against you just trying to make sure that I am living my life and in reality. You can contact me when your situation is different & we can see then". Basically my wording isn't the best today but something that conveys that you understand his life currently but aren't going to sacrifice yours for a waiting position. This is what you should DO regardless of what you say or don't say. He sounds respectful enough and no reason to stop talking to him with a negative tone. It's just a fact that you need to live your current life and current reality. Good luck
d0nnivain Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 Why is he without his home? If he's going through a crisis -- house got flooded out in a hurricane or burned in a fire, of course he's off balance right now & can't be trying to rekindle a relationship. He has more pressing matters. If it's some kind of family drama or drugs you best stay clear. After the miscommunication that lead to the break up he also recognizes that reconciling with you is more work then hanging out & having a social life. he may not have the energy to give you that much attention in his present situation. Either way you want more then he can give you now. So you can stay & continue being miserable because you want more or you can cut your losses, walk away & heal. The choice is yours. What you can't have is the relationship you want with him. 1
BC1980 Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 Definitely walk away. He's not serious about a relationship with you. He also lives 2 hours away. You can't have a long term relationship unless someone is willing to move at some point. 1
Author jess060191 Posted October 2, 2018 Author Posted October 2, 2018 His home was caught on fire and he is now without a home along with his mother... so I understand he’s going through a lot. He’s currently messaging me on my phone and I think I’m finally going to tell him I’m moving on. But first I need to grow a pair lol... I’m not actually laughing but I gotta have some light out of this tunnel 1
smackie9 Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 Walk away...the only reason you got hooked was because he talked to you everyday....that doesn't make for a promising relaitonship. All ya are is a penpal, a fair weather friend. The 2 hours apart is too much for what you should be expecting in availability. Time to get real. Date a man that has np making time to see you on a regular basis....and that is not too much to expect. This is about expectations not being fulfilled. Stop taking anything you can get by looking past the issues. You deserve better that what this guy could ever give you. 1
d0nnivain Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 Because he has a genuine crisis in his life right now, it's OK for you to step back. Wish him well on finding a new place to live. Tell him to look you up when things settle down in his life. See if he does but don't hold out hope. 1
Author jess060191 Posted October 2, 2018 Author Posted October 2, 2018 Just spoke to him and told him I was moving on... it's so hard but I know its for the best... if he really wanted to be with me he would of been, period. His response: "its ok i understand good luck with everything i'm sorry" 1
d0nnivain Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 At least things are definitive. Call your friends & start your healing. 2
Sunlight72 Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 (edited) I wouldn't say you need to run away from him, but it is not any good for you to keep chit chatting as buddies. Tell him you will be glad to hear from him when ever he is ready and desiring to romance you. Until then, best wishes. And then stop answering the phone/text/message from him. Don't waffle. He is using you as a crutch, which is not romantic and is not going to blossom into romance. He's not even trying to share fun with you, as he is his other buddies. He needs to see that you are not his little sister. Romance, or nothing. It's your life. You get to choose where to invest yourself, and he is c*ck-blocking you. ----------------------------- Oh- just read you talked to him and ended it. Hurts, but good in the long run. I'll leave what I wrote up here in case it's helpful for encouragement that you made the right choice. You made the right choice. Edited October 2, 2018 by Sunlight72 2
Author jess060191 Posted October 3, 2018 Author Posted October 3, 2018 thank you everyone it deff sucks... i keep on hoping he will wake up and smell the coffee and realize what he is loosing but he isn't. Hasn't bothered talking to me since. It is what it is, time to move on and heal. 1
kendahke Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 Keep dating other guys, dial him back to friendzone (because that's where you are, too) and go from there. If he's telling you he can't be what/who you need right now, then bounce and find a guy who can be what/who you need. edited to add: good to see you ended things.
bathtub-row Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 I think you’re being immature about this and somewhat self-centered. He has way too much going on and you should not have pressured him about the two of you - especially since you were broken up. I’m not even sure why it was necessary to notify him that you’re moving on, unless you were trying to elicit some reaction from him. Everything you’ve done so far looks incredibly self-motivated. Aside from that, the argument you guys had that broke you up isn’t a good sign. I don’t think the two of you are compatible. 2
Versacehottie Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 thank you everyone it deff sucks... i keep on hoping he will wake up and smell the coffee and realize what he is loosing but he isn't. Hasn't bothered talking to me since. It is what it is, time to move on and heal. Well it's hard but it's what you needed to do. Choose what you want, make difficult choices that will lead you to what you want--this is life. As far as him not bothering to talk to you, that's what "letting him go/walking away" is about. He is honoring your choice. You need to make peace with it yourself and honor what you have decided for yourself. I think you may hear from him in the future but you need to live as if you won't and have your own best life. If he cannot give you what you need now due to his circumstances why would you wait and put your own life on hold? You are not compatible right NOW for sure. Who knows what the future holds? But in the meantime, take responsibility for creating the happiness in your life and the life you want. You will have regrets if you hold out for someone who can't give you what you want. And it changes the dynamic between you two. Best chance for a happy relationship with him in the future is to walk away now. Also you need to develop your relationship with yourself (self-worth) so you feel more confident and resolute with these decisions. Doing and sticking to a choice should help you do that. Good luck 1
Author jess060191 Posted October 3, 2018 Author Posted October 3, 2018 how am i being immature? this man was reaching out to me multiple of times a day, keeping tabs on me and whenever I did not respond he would get antsy and ask why I am not responding to his messages. How is that not suppose to mess up with my feelings? Especially since we dated in the past. It is not like we had some sort of friendship before we started dating. He has plenty of other friends and family he could turn to for support. If anything he is the one who was being self-centered using me as a clutch for support. So you are wrong. thanks anyways. 2
norudder Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 (edited) how am i being immature? this man was reaching out to me multiple of times a day, keeping tabs on me and whenever I did not respond he would get antsy and ask why I am not responding to his messages. How is that not suppose to mess up with my feelings? Especially since we dated in the past. It is not like we had some sort of friendship before we started dating. He has plenty of other friends and family he could turn to for support. If anything he is the one who was being self-centered using me as a clutch for support. So you are wrong. thanks anyways. Agree. It's one thing if you're already in an established relationship to be selfless and sacrificing when it's mutual and you can expect reciprocation if needed in the future. Starting off one sided isn't ideal, it's betting on future potential that may or may not realize. Consider also that society tends to ingrain in women the expectation they be givers and nurturers. It's not selfish of a woman to not have sex because she was taken to dinner, to agree to a second date just because we agreed to a first date,, or OP to not want to provide GF like support to a guy who can't be a BF. Neither gender should subjugate their reasonable needs, or resentment accumulates. They are situationally incompatible and it's reasonable for her to move on. Edited October 3, 2018 by norudder 1
Author jess060191 Posted October 9, 2018 Author Posted October 9, 2018 hi everyone.... I know i posted this a week ago but I am truly hurting. I haven't been hurt over a guy in a long time. I know time will heal all wounds but just feels like its getting worst over time. I unfollowed him on all my social media sites but I am still lurking on his pages like a creep, which just hurts me more because its seems like he is doing just fine. I know walking away from him was for the best, but the fact that he hasn't even tried to talking to me again really bothers me. I guess I am venting more then anything. But this truly sucks, I just want this pain to go away.
Zahara Posted October 9, 2018 Posted October 9, 2018 hi everyone.... I know i posted this a week ago but I am truly hurting. I haven't been hurt over a guy in a long time. I know time will heal all wounds but just feels like its getting worst over time. I unfollowed him on all my social media sites but I am still lurking on his pages like a creep, which just hurts me more because its seems like he is doing just fine. I know walking away from him was for the best, but the fact that he hasn't even tried to talking to me again really bothers me. I guess I am venting more then anything. But this truly sucks, I just want this pain to go away. Well, the pain isn't going to just go away. You're also reeling from the negative feelings of rejection. I think the latter is more of the issue. It's not getting worse overtime -- you're just processing feelings of loss/the disappointment of losing the potential of what you thought could have been. Stop lurking on his social media. It isn't going to change anything for you but only make things worse. Imagine if you saw him with another girl -- that would send you down another rabbit hole. So, self-preservation is important and you should begin focusing on healing from this. 1
kendahke Posted October 9, 2018 Posted October 9, 2018 hi everyone.... I know i posted this a week ago but I am truly hurting. I haven't been hurt over a guy in a long time. I know time will heal all wounds but just feels like its getting worst over time. I unfollowed him on all my social media sites but I am still lurking on his pages like a creep, which just hurts me more because its seems like he is doing just fine. I know walking away from him was for the best, but the fact that he hasn't even tried to talking to me again really bothers me. I guess I am venting more then anything. But this truly sucks, I just want this pain to go away. It will go away eventually... but you have to commit to yourself that you are no longer going to emotionally self-harm by creeping and lurking on him. Until you esteem yourself above this self-deprecating reaction, it's going to take that long for you to even begin your healing process. It is a huge disappointment when they don't even try to get in touch with you or give some inkling that they had feelings for you, but unfortunately, that does happen. It's no indictment on who you are as a person. So, yes, you can lurk and creep and keep making yourself feel badly. One day, you're going to get sick of doing that to yourself and you'll stop. It just depends upon how fast you want to stop hurting.
dispatch3d Posted October 10, 2018 Posted October 10, 2018 I would have tried to be there for him in this time of crisis, rather than trying to get my feelings sorted out. Anyhow I guess what's done is done. 1
Versacehottie Posted October 10, 2018 Posted October 10, 2018 (edited) I would have tried to be there for him in this time of crisis, rather than trying to get my feelings sorted out. Anyhow I guess what's done is done. Agreed. OP, you are second guessing yourself, which while normal won't help you move on. You don't want to stay in his life at any cost, you also have your own goals and ways you want to live your life. It's probably too complicated when you have a romantic past and want something with someone who is incapable of giving it to you at this point. It's best to be broken up during that time then and who knows what the future will hold. Rather than stay in it by lowering yourself and what you want, you make it clear that it's situational that now is not the best time for you to be in touch but that you wish him the best. It's a way to leave the door open but not ruin the balance or create bad patterns with someone. I can't remember what you said to him in breaking up but I basically recommended saying something with that gist. You need to get over the fact that he hasn't been in touch because that is what YOU asked him to do. And it is the best for both of you to move on. And like the others said, stop monitoring his social media, it's just hurting your progress to move on. You have to commit to your main goal which is to be in a relationship with someone available to you and/or to have fun, fulfilled of your own without feeling like you are "waiting" for someone, thus you are exactly where you are meant to be right now. Don't hold out for the future with him--if it's meant to be it will come back around that way (in a long while!). So you do what is best for you NOW, live your life. The one you had the courage to say you needed from him a week ago. I think it's really important to be clear on your intentions because it's hard enough to let someone go, but if you are just doing it in hopes to shake him up or get him to turn around and be what you need, you are going to have a ton of regret. I feel like that was a big part of why you did what you did--otherwise you wouldn't be so upset that he hasn't been in touch. He hasn't been in touch and you shouldn't want that because you are not dating and trying to move on. Simple and clear. Commit to making your day to day life the best possible, even if it is hard at the beginning. Good luck Edited October 10, 2018 by Versacehottie
Author jess060191 Posted October 10, 2018 Author Posted October 10, 2018 If I could stick around and be there with there for him then I would. But unfortunately I think I am more sensitive that other females out there and when I like someone, i truly fall hard. So I do believe walking away (yes in many ways can be seen as selfish) but would save me the miseries of the "what-ifs" that could possibly could of happen between me and him. Though I am hurting now I know time will heal all wounds, I appreciate you guys listening to me and giving me advice it really helped me out. Thank you again 1
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