Notsurewhat83 Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 I'm currently dating this amazing woman, 31 years old (im 34), shes travelled for the past 9 years most of which was solo. She hasnt had a boyfriend for the entire 9 years but obviously has had sex whilst in these different places. Shes openly discussed being with men from all parts of the globe. Now she has said she'd love to find somebody to settle down with. I gave it a go and weve got on incredibly well but.... shes done everything and i feel theres nothing left. The dates become hard as whatever you mention for a date isnt as good as that time she climbed some mountain or roamed africa etc etc. You get my drift. I cant even suggest a little trip to the countryside as i just feel like its not going to compare to her shark dives, volcano trips. Ive never been insecure in my life but although im falling for this woman theres this nagging feeling that i actually feel like im not good enough. I feel like dating someone whos solo travelled has made the monotonous parts of life not appealing. Im not sure if anyones experienced this before? Part of me says run a mile, the rest of me says i love being around her but its bringing out an anxiety in me i never knew existed. For the record, she does do the dates i suggest she also seems to enjoy them but theres also the feeling that you like to grow as a couple but how can you grow and experience things when shes done it all before. Im also concerned that shes such a free spirit ill end up hurt as she has openly admitted to getting itchy feet although she said she doubts itll happen with me.
PRW Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 I've never been insecure in my life Could have fooled me. You sound very insecure,...and burdened with feelings of unworthyness (or at least intimidated by her) that will certainly sink any chances of success. A lot of what she says sound's storybook-ish and there is a good chance it is lies or exaggerations. She may be very insecure in her own right and is coming up with wild stories to impress you. She keeps saying yes to the dates you come up with,...so just keep coming up with them. Demonstrate you are a leader and a good planner,...don't start asking "what does she want to do" and acting like you don't know how to come up with a plan. When she tells her stories just nod, smile, be fun,...but don't take them too seriously. 1
Els Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 (edited) {snip} Ive never been insecure in my life but although im falling for this woman theres this nagging feeling that i actually feel like im not good enough. I feel like dating someone whos solo travelled has made the monotonous parts of life not appealing. Im not sure if anyones experienced this before? Part of me says run a mile, the rest of me says i love being around her but its bringing out an anxiety in me i never knew existed. For the record, she does do the dates i suggest she also seems to enjoy them but theres also the feeling that you like to grow as a couple but how can you grow and experience things when shes done it all before. Im also concerned that shes such a free spirit ill end up hurt as she has openly admitted to getting itchy feet although she said she doubts itll happen with me. Has she actually SAID any of the things you're afraid of, or are you just assuming? It feels to me like much of that is your anxiety talking, not her. I haven't exactly done the whole long term travel thing, but I've traveled to a decent number of countries. I don't compare a day trip with the SO to previous travels. Doesn't enter into my mind at all, it's like apples and oranges. Having been around a bit doesn't necessarily mean you can't appreciate the little things in daily life. Edited October 2, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2
guest569 Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 What gives you the impression that the dates are not good enough? I've done a bit of travel and adventures which are great. But nothing compares to the little everyday things with someone special. Small road trips, day at the beach, local events etc. What sort of dates do you plan? You don't have to do anything extravagant, just romantic and thoughtful.
central Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 Choosing to settle down with someone (or make a go at that) is about the PERSON, not the activities. The person makes the experience more special, even when the experience is less than amazing. So, if you're the right person, most activities will be enjoyable and memorable. You don't have to skydive into a volcano. Stop trying to compete with prior experiences and just make new ones - the special part will be what YOU bring to it.
d0nnivain Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 Her bragging about the adventures she's had could be her way of trying to prove to you that she's interesting & worthy of love. Some people can't be present; they have to play one-upsmanship all the time. My cousin is like that. I have done things with her then heard her talk about them later & was like were we on the same trip? Just keep doing what you have been doing. You are the interesting part of what she's doing with you, not the where. 2
doyathinkso Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 Try cooling your jets a bit. Don't cut her off, but don't actively pursue her either. If she comes looking for you, well then, I don't think you've got a lot to worry about. Well, not right away anyways. 1
Gretchen12 Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 I've some experience with your situation, but as the one who has travelled alone extensively, and had my share of adventures, solo. The problem with dating are the following: 1. Men who IMAGINE what it's like to be me, and they are wrong. You are doing that with this girl. 2. Men who can't trust, suspect that I am cheating when I go travel on my own. 3. Logistics: Having to be apart from each other. Sometimes the timing is bad. For example the bf would like me to be here for an event but I can't change my plane tickets. 4. The solo traveler does not mind being alone even when not travelling. That is different from wanting to be single. She may not want to be with you 24/7. Actually when travelling there's a lot of waiting. That's why I bring a book. It can be very slow, sometimes waiting a long time for only 30 minutes that qualify as excitement. And these days many of the best places are full of adventure travel vendors it's not what you'd imagine. If I were you, my only concern is to find out when is her next trip. You might want to know if she'll be around for at least another year and whether she's the type that checks in when there's wifi, or not. 2
smackie9 Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 Being insecure is not your worry. not having a whole lot of in common would be tho. Being a world traveler is her whole substance/existence, which would be tiresome to listen to unless you have been there and done that too.
Sunlight72 Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 (edited) The main point for you Notsurewhat should be the same as with any perceived difference in status or value. It is not for you to decide. It was a challenging growth spurt for me, but I accepted some time back that I cannot tell if I am attractive to women by looking in the mirror. I let them decide. If they are enjoying their time with me, I just accept that I look good in their eyes, and assume we are together. Period. You need to practice this. Don't guess if you are interesting. Just be the best version of yourself. She chooses to see you. Therefore, you are obviously attractive in her eyes. Drink that in! Walk it, talk it. You are the man she wants to be with - be content with yourself. What does she want from you? She wants you to continue to be the man she met. What ever you were doing in your life before you knew her, that is the man she wants you to be. You can easily do that - you were already doing it without even trying. ------------------ I would suggest though that you note Gretchen's point about if this woman cares to communicate with you back home while she's out travelling. My girlfriend communicates several times a day with me when she's home. Some trips she takes she stays in touch once a day, some trips she doesn't. She doesn't seem to see the difference. It did throw me off the first couple times, but now I'm getting used to it. She's present where she is at. When she gets home though, she also doesn't talk much about what she was doing while she was gone. It's old hat to her, and not noteworthy. From what you've written, I'd say this could be really tough on you. It will likely feel she is ignoring you and/or keeping a secret life from you. In fact (at least with my girlfriend), to her way of thinking being on a trip is just a different version of running errands at home. She's there, doing logistics, and as Gretchen says, sitting around waiting for things to happen. It's just not interesting enough to report on. ----------------------- Lastly, my girlfriend of 7 months travelled extensively for about 15 years, and did many amazing things and met many amazing people, and like your girlfriend she has 3 lifetimes of incredible stories. At first I was a little concerned I wasn't keeping up in the story department. Then, over time, I noticed her say things like, "People think I've had this amazing life, and I'm this amazing person, but it's really tiring putting on the performance all the time." "I just want to be me without everyone looking at me like I should be dancing for them." "Nobody seems to know who I am." "I'm lazy, and sometimes I'm scared, and I don't know what is going to happen next." So, the good thing for me (and maybe you) is that a big part of my value in this relationship is that I like being with my girlfriend when she is 'lazy' (actually, just being human), doesn't do her hair or makeup, and we just go get groceries. I don't think she's had that before, and while it doesn't sound exciting, I enjoy it, and she is enjoying it on a more heartfelt level than a lot of her adventures. The thing about adventures is that they end quickly. No one on those adventures sticks around, and one wonders what will become of the rest of one's life. Maybe this is where you fit in. Best Wishes, Sunlight Edited October 2, 2018 by Sunlight72 3
kendahke Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 No reason in the world why you can't do what she did. Only your imagination limits you. It's never too late to become fearless. It sure beats anxiety over being diminished by/jealous of someone else's life experiences. While she may have been all around the globe, what she didn't have in those experiences was someone to whom she was emotionally connected. What she would have doing a weekend getaway is reinforcing the emotional connection she has with you and there is value in that. You do want emotional connection with her, right?
PRW Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 No reason in the world why you can't do what she did. Only your imagination limits you. The wallet and checking account limits. I couldn't afford the plane ticket by itself, let alone the rest of the cost.
Gretchen12 Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 The wallet and checking account limits. I couldn't afford the plane ticket by itself, let alone the rest of the cost. I see more and more retirees out there travelling the globe, grey hair and all. They have money and time. 1
Gretchen12 Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 Really, OP it's not as you'd imagine. If her travel experiences make you feel not good enough, it is because you value travel experience. Another person might value having a high income, or artistic talent, or advanced degrees. Your feelings says more about your own desires and values. There's nothing meritorious and nothing to tell about travelling in itself. We give and take according to our choices. We all give up some opportunities in pursuit of others. If a woman keeps talking about her baby. I would only accuse her of bragging if I also want a baby. If I don't, I'd think she lamenting!
PRW Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 We all give up some opportunities in pursuit of others. I need to give up Pepsi for chiseled abs. Not doing so good so far
Hopeful30 Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 Please don't think this way, because I am that woman, and it ****ing SUCKS when men think this way. I've been around the world, I speak 5 languages, I've read every book, met every person, experienced every culture. I have so many stories to tell, so much that I've experienced! But the one thing I haven't experienced is longterm, authentic and romantic love. Let THAT be what you bring to the table. Despite all of her experiences, she STILL dating you, which means there is something about you that she likes and is drawn to. It's not about WHAT, it's about HOW. For example, it's now about WHAT you do during the date, it's about HOW you spend the time together. Do you laugh? Do you have good conversation? I've climbed mountains, scuba dived with sharks, had incredibly spiritual experiences, and that doesn't make love any 'less' anything. Do not doubt yourself. When someone of such experience and free-spirit shows interest in you, it means despite all of her travels around the world, there is still something within you that catches her attention. **Focus on this** 1
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