Author Sallos Posted October 4, 2018 Author Posted October 4, 2018 She needs therapy and is not relationship material. telling you that she kissed you because she felt like you wanted it, and not because she also wanted it, is a huge red flag. Don't try and solve these people, move on from them. You may very well be right. It's always easier to see things from the outside. Personally (and it may be something I need to take a look at) I'm very empathetic so I have a tendency to attract people that are in a more vulnerable state. Which does have it's up's ad down's. Such as it's easier for the two of us to more open up to each other and the down's...well they are fairly obvious
Author Sallos Posted October 4, 2018 Author Posted October 4, 2018 First, I don't believe in "no-contact" as a "noun". If she contacts you,...respond If you have a valid meaningful reason to contact her then do it. It is the validation-seeking meaningless idle chit-chat such as "how did your day go" stuff that I saying to stay away from Oh I can come up with all kinds of reasons to contact her! I usually have to sit back and go "does she really need to know this?" If she contacts me certainly I'll respond. I was just meaning no-contact as far as our usual conversations go. I'm trying to avoid social media at the moment to try to resist the urge to like something she posts. We have a lot of similar interests so that's a challenge in itself.
Author Sallos Posted October 4, 2018 Author Posted October 4, 2018 Be quicker and more decisive. Don't linger first. Present it as giving her an opportunity to spend time with you rather than the other way around as you did here. Exact day/place/time. If she is going to reject it then give her something specific to reject. I just figured it would be best to see what day she has available because she has a child she has to make arrangements for. Which I suppose if it's done like at the beginning of the week instead of the middle it would be more easier done. I have been watching some of the Corey Wayne video's on YouTube as well. I purchased the book as well. Having a bit of a rough go with it though. I'm not a big reader and the constant "google Corey Wayne does ......." turns me off the book some but trying to give it a serious go nonetheless. It did have some pretty good reviews about it.
PRW Posted October 5, 2018 Posted October 5, 2018 I just figured it would be best to see what day she has available because she has a child she has to make arrangements for. Which I suppose if it's done like at the beginning of the week instead of the middle it would be more easier done. That's true. Asking "when are you free?" is fine. Just combine the two things together. Find out when they are free,...offer something specific (rather than "asking") based on what they say. I have been watching some of the Corey Wayne video's on YouTube as well. I purchased the book as well. Having a bit of a rough go with it though. I'm not a big reader and the constant "google Corey Wayne does ......." turns me off the book some but trying to give it a serious go nonetheless. It did have some pretty good reviews about it. I understand, but he can't very well put the videos into the book directly. You're probably already past the point, but on subsequent reads, start at around page 40 in the paperback. That skips past a lot of the "sale pitch" introduction. I think he may be a little weak on the marriage stuff near the end. But I don't care about that, I think if a guy has a good foundation built from the earlier stuff he won't have that much trouble in the marriage anyway.
Gretchen12 Posted October 5, 2018 Posted October 5, 2018 You said in your original post that you went on your SECOND DATE this past weekend? But you already know about the depression, the therapy, and the sexual assault? She decided to tell you all this over text? I don't think this is wise behavior. I think you have been sucked into the role of a caretaker. A certain type of men is susceptible to this. It will bring you a lot of stress and pain because she will be doing strange things and you'll have to be understanding even when she breaks your heart, because she's got that broken wing. Volunteer for suicide prevention. That's great. But not this. Do you want a real relationship or you just want to help someone?
Author Sallos Posted October 5, 2018 Author Posted October 5, 2018 You said in your original post that you went on your SECOND DATE this past weekend? But you already know about the depression, the therapy, and the sexual assault? She decided to tell you all this over text? I don't think this is wise behavior. I think you have been sucked into the role of a caretaker. A certain type of men is susceptible to this. It will bring you a lot of stress and pain because she will be doing strange things and you'll have to be understanding even when she breaks your heart, because she's got that broken wing. Volunteer for suicide prevention. That's great. But not this. Do you want a real relationship or you just want to help someone? I should probably clarify on that, I guess. Yes,she has told me a lot over text. We have met up a few times during the week for lunch (she doesn't work too far from me). I don't count everything as a date. So while I say second date there has been meet ups in between. You may very well be right about the caretaker role. I will absolutely agree that to go out one day and everything be great then immediately the next day pulling away is very peculiar and makes no sense to me.
PRW Posted October 5, 2018 Posted October 5, 2018 (edited) I should probably clarify on that, I guess. Yes,she has told me a lot over text. You are acting like her therapist. Headed straight to the friendzone with at. Even worse yet is that it is by text rather than in person. We have met up a few times during the week for lunch (she doesn't work too far from me). I don't count everything as a date.That is "friendzone" behavor. Until you reach exclusivity all meetings need to have a romantic context. If you don't listen to that she will start to view you as a "buddy" rather than a "lover" and all sexual attraction will evaporate. Now you can both be at group activities at the same time but it is best if you go there independently and don't follower her around like a puppy while you are there. But when you interact with her have a romantic vibe too it. I may not be explaining it very well, this is very difficult to explain and even more difficult to do successfully. But the bottom line is that when she thinks of you it needs to be in a romantic context at all times, you never want her to just think of you as her platonic "buddy", her "pal",...like one of her "girlfriends". That would be the death of sexual attraction. Even if the two people involved are not having sex,...they both need to at least "want to" and to think of each other in that way. Edited October 5, 2018 by PRW
Author Sallos Posted October 5, 2018 Author Posted October 5, 2018 You are acting like her therapist. Headed straight to the friendzone with at. Even worse yet is that it is by text rather than in person. That is "friendzone" behavor. Until you reach exclusivity all meetings need to have a romantic context. If you don't listen to that she will start to view you as a "buddy" rather than a "lover" and all sexual attraction will evaporate. Now you can both be at group activities at the same time but it is best if you go there independently and don't follower her around like a puppy while you are there. But when you interact with her have a romantic vibe too it. I may not be explaining it very well, this is very difficult to explain and even more difficult to do successfully. But the bottom line is that when she thinks of you it needs to be in a romantic context at all times, you never want her to just think of you as her platonic "buddy", her "pal",...like one of her "girlfriends". That would be the death of sexual attraction. Even if the two people involved are not having sex,...they both need to at least "want to" and to think of each other in that way. I think I understand what you're saying. Every encounter we've had we've both been very flirty with each other. Constantly touching in some way or if we're walking she'll have her arm around my waist. Even last week we were talking about the different things we like in sex. Different outfits she'd wear. I feel like the ground work has all been laid but she just suddenly threw this curveball of wanting space from talking to people in general. We've said nothing to the other today at all.
PRW Posted October 6, 2018 Posted October 6, 2018 (edited) I think I understand what you're saying. Every encounter we've had we've both been very flirty with each other. Constantly touching in some way or if we're walking she'll have her arm around my waist. That is a "plus". Even last week we were talking about the different things we like in sex. Different outfits she'd wear.She'll also talk about that stuff with her "pals" as well. so don't count on that one. It could also backfire on you on the "sex talk" and come across as "too much too soon",...and it may not strike her that way till a day later when you aren't even there. Women will roll things around in their head that you said and did days earlier, and you don't know what conclusions they will come to. I feel like the ground work has all been laid but she just suddenly threw this curveball of wanting space from talking to people in general. We've said nothing to the other today at all.Sometimes they pull away and it doesn't have much to do with you,...but just always be introspective about things you might be doing wrong in case it is you. It is perfectly fine to go a week without interaction. Even two weeks is ok, but at the two week period go ahead and reach out. If you get a positive response, don't run around in circles and interrogate her about where's she's been and why you haven't heard from her. Just make the next specific date (specific day/time/place), and treat it as if nothing unusual has happened,...it's as if you just "saw her yesterday". Edited October 6, 2018 by PRW
coolheadal Posted October 6, 2018 Posted October 6, 2018 If she doesn't want to talk to people right now it probably wouldn't do a lot of good to call her up. She is very insecure about her looks,people not understanding her,her home life,she feels like a failure in life etc. She has a lot of different insecurities that to most probably wouldn't matter too much to most but do to her. You can't cover-up the fact she's not willing to take you again. You have he/her text messaging going on. Then all that was said to you what do you do? You ask her out again Why would she said yes. You got nothing so leave it like that. You and her are just friends. This one works hard and that's all on her mind right now.
Author Sallos Posted October 6, 2018 Author Posted October 6, 2018 Well,she did reach out to me last night. We had a short conversation prior to her asking if she could come over to talk. Her pulling away wasn't really anything to do with me,per say. Granted, she did say that when she kissed me she did get really confused because of how different I am. She informed me that she very much wants a relationship with me but also feels very broken at the same time. What I didn't know in all this was that she has Bi Polar Disorder and has been off her medication for awhile because she felt they didn't work. As some said, she needs a lot of counseling. After some of the more personal revelations and thoughts she revealed last night, I 'm forced to agree. To keep it short, basically I told her to keep in contact,reach out when she needs to and I'll help point her in the right direction to get some help but that I believe that she needs to focus on that at the moment. I'm going to worry a lot about her. I can't save her but if she's willing to get into counseling I can recommend a few good doctors. To all that replied,thank you very much for your help and suggestions in this.
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