a year after being ghosted

[progprof2011]

A year ago, my ex (we were together for 14 months) decided to just ghost me. We had just come back from vacation, and were discussing how to celebrate my birthday, then poof! He stopped responding. We never had a fight or disagreement, and always had a good time together, so I didn't catch on right away. I knew he was very busy (he was starting a business), so I was patient and supportive. But after a month of increasing anxiety and worry, it really dawned on me that he was trying to disappear. I texted him, calmly told him I was disappointed in his behaviour, and that I deserve better, then officially broke up with him.

 

Of course he responded then- "I didn't want to hurt you. I didn't know what to say. blah blah blah. At least we can still be friends." He never gave a reason why, and I didn't ask. I felt immediately he was either hiding something, or was unable to express his real reasons. The only contact I've had with him after that was to mail his belongings to him, with no note. Just his things carefully packed up.

 

So now it's a year later, and it hasn't been easy. In fact, I'm really feeling it these days. I've done everything I could to move on- new hobbies, being social with friends, working hard, working on myself, etc. But I still feel it, and while it's not every day, I still carry around a lot of hurt and sorrow. So I have to ask- what's going on with me, that I can't let go of someone who is so clearly messed up?

 

I think part of the problem is that I can't see him as a bad person. In my heart, I know he's a fairly decent guy- just one with issues- conflict avoidant, emotionally unavailable, and perhaps a little immature (he's 35). So, any advice on how I can finally turn the page on this one?

Edited October 2, 2018 by progprof2011

[LonelyHearted]

I wish I could offer advice, but I am currently going through a very similar situation to yours. I wasn't ghosted. Instead I had a lovely weekend with him and then got home to a "Dear John" Facebook message that he was overwhelmed with work. He had a demanding job with a lot of traveling and he was also starting a business on the side. Essentially, he couldn't find time to dedicate himself to our relationship.

 

I have done the same things as you in terms of working on myself, spending time with friends old and new, and throwing myself into work. And yet, I still think of him everyday and wish that I wasn't so hung up on someone who clearly didn't value me.

 

The one thing that does help is talking about it to a sympathetic friend. I also found this video to be helpful:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0GQSJrpVhM&feature=youtu.be

 

I wish you the best and know you are not alone in feeling this way.

[progprof2011]

@LonelyHearted I'm sorry to hear you're going through something similar too. Yes, it does help to know that others are going through it as well. I think, like me, you're trying to "flip the script." That is, instead of thinking I wasn't good enough, it's more about HIM failing to recognize my value. And yet I still think of him daily, and it kind of sucks. Sometimes its very forgiving thoughts and everything seems fine. Other times, get stuck, wondering why he disappeared. Of course, I know the reasons don't matter- and anyone who would choose to disappear rather than face is NOT the kind of person who would be honest about why anyways. So, I'm not expecting any answers from him.

 

Thank you for the video- I just bought that book this morning!

[AT15]

Jesus, why are people so evil these days. I've been ghosted 3 times. The first time hurt the worst. The second time wasn't much better, The 3rd time I am working through now.

 

I sincerely believe it's a way the ghoster makes themselves feel validated and powerful. They set up the situation to ghost you.

 

He used you. I am so sorry. It may take another year for you to fully let go of this disappointment and pain.

 

Like you, I did not acknowledge the ghosting. I never texted him to ask why or called him to tell him he sucks. I never alluded to anything on social media. I made it seem like, I have not missed one beat. Like, I just carried on with my life.

Lol.

And that's the one thing that really brings me giggles and joy. I never sent that "what happened" text. My attitude is, if you want to leave I'm not asking you to stay. I am not even going to acknowledge your exit.

 

I feel terrible. I really saw a future with the person I wanted him to be. But, it's not him. He's the childish ghoster. Do I see a future with a childish ghoster? Nope. I never had that on my list of what I want in my ideal partner. I did not have ghoster or an abandoner on my the list. Nope, I purposely left them off the list, because that's the type of person I didn't want in my life.

 

We're there signs of this behavior? Yes. He constantly proclaimed how he needed space. In my ways he showed me he wasn't the one.

 

Did I listen to his actions? Nope. I wanted him to be my fantasy fulfilled. *shrug* Have I learned my lesson? Not really, I still fantasize about him being the person that I need him to be, so I can finally live happily ever after.

 

No contact and meditation has helped with the awful sadness tho.mprocessing the facts no the fantasy is working for me.

[progprof2011]

Thank you for your reply. Like you, I didn't chase, I didn't create "drama," I didn't ask why, or ask him to reconsider. I'm actually pretty proud of that- "if you want to go, then go. I'll be fine." That was my attitude then, and it still is now. I didn't want to empower him by breaking down and acting desperate.

 

I also saw a future with him. Mind you, his future faking was a part of that. But there were red flags along the way. I didn't ignore them, but when he let slip that he was selfish, or a "bitch," or that he was afraid he screw things up, I would ask for details and he would deflect, telling me he was joking. So, I will let his final actions speak for him- that he really just didn't care all that much. Whatever it was he wanted from me, he got it until he didn't want it anymore, and so he left. Ugh! That's pretty nasty.

 

He was somewhat secretive to begin with (never talked about his past or past relationships). He never expressed his inner emotions. It was always somewhat superficial, and there was always activity to act as a buffer (avoiding intimacy, I guess). Hmmm.... I guess he's more messed up than I first realized.

[Cupid's Puppet]

Welcome to the "been ghosted" club, sisterhood of the "been cheated on" club. It absolutely sucks, and I do not know why this is so prevalent among men. The way your ex responded is the reason I held strong to not text my ex again no matter how weak I get some days. I imagine whatever explanation he'd give would be just as unfulfilling. I don't have any male friends who ghost, so I can't even get in the mind of such characters.

 

To ghost after 14 months is so disrespectful. That alone would push me to move on fast. That's a lot of time invested to just disappear without explanation. I don't think that it's the letting go that is tough. It's just that no one likes to be betrayed, and to be ghosted after future faking is a huge level of betrayal that will shake all the trust you have in people.

 

You don't see him as a bad person because he designed it that way. Through ghosting there are no fights, no head-on discussions where you get to bare your emotions and he feels guilty for causing you the pain of rejection. Look I'm with you. He's not a bad person, but he was definitely a bad person toward you by the way he treated you in the relationship and after.

 

This person who you think is so great has permanently altered your life, have no doubts about that. This is a baggage you will carry with you in all your relationships - family, friends, lovers. When it happened to me, I developed a type of separation anxiety whenever my friends left my place to go home. Anytime you don't hear from a lover for a few hours, you will have anxiety. You didn't ask for your life to be altered in this way, but this jerk that you think is so great surely did it to you.

 

ETA: I meant to answer how to turn the page. Well I think the hurt will always be there. You just have to suppress this part of your life to move on. Place it in the junk files of your brain. And date others. You dated this guy for 14 months and been sad about him for a year. Altogether, you have devoted over 2 years to a guy who doesn't deserve it. So many people are out here desperate for love. Give them that love not him. And whenever I have sweet thoughts of my ex I think about the time he got embarrassingly drunk at my place. I don't think he was able to face me after that. Probably why he ghosted. Have a balanced view of your ex- remember the good and the bad so you can accept he was just a regular old guy, mediocre even. Then watch a sitcom like Golden Girls or something on those really bad days.

Edited October 2, 2018 by Cupid's Puppet

[Noproblem]

From my experience, when people leave us or change without a reason.

This eats us alive until the day we die or at least for a lot of years. We long for closures. Even if we find love elsewhere, we still wonder why!

 

I mean, that's why I always tell people

 

Tell them they are horrible

tell them why you are leaving them

Tell them you that and that

 

Don't leave it in your heart!

it will eat you!

 

I know, because I hold my pride very high! I will never beg; I will never ask why! I will disappear when they disappear!

 

Maybe in the future, if something like that ever happens again. I will tell the person who did me wrong, that he or she are jerks!

and I deserve better and will get better!

 

I hope you do the same!

 

It so liberating to tell them what they did!

The hell with pride!

The hell with the image!

They deserve to at least feel bad about their behavior for a second!

[Cupid's Puppet]

 

They deserve to at least feel bad about their behavior for a second!

 

I'm pretty sure they felt bad about their behavior, just not as bad as you felt about their behavior. Even if you can make them feel worse it wouldn't change anything. Ghosting is one of those things people have to experience for themselves to realize how painful it is. Otherwise, they think you're just being dramatic. I don't know how many times my mom and friends simply said "move on." That's because they never experienced it. How fortunate...

 

Anyhow, you simply can't change the past, so leave it where it is. Let's be honest. The best closure would be to go back in time and never date these people, but we can't do that. So the next best thing is to live a happier life without them. Let your personal success be your closure. Like Beyonce said, "the best revenge is your paper." Well, the best revenge is your success, and I'm sure you can achieve greater things in life than being with someone who clearly has no respect for you.

[progprof2011]

@Cupid's Puppet I agree that this has become baggage for me, which is why I haven't been dating. I tried, a few months after- but even just the idea of starting something new left me feeling exhausted. So, I took time off from the whole dating scene, and I am only just now dipping my toe in the water again. I'm very wary, though, of any sign someone new may be unbalanced or have less than honest intentions.

 

 

 

I don't think this was something that the ex did to intentionally inflict pain. As I read up on ghosting, it often has to do with conflict avoidance, not wanting to look like the "bad guy," and even feeling uncomfortable with dealing with their own emotions (let alone someone else's). It is often a pattern of behaviour that runs through their whole relationship history. Whatever the reason, it doesn't make it less of an awful thing to do to other people, and it certainly doesn't excuse it.

 

 

 

And that's the other side of the cognitive dissonance coin- I get angry sometimes because of his total lack of respect, and forgiving at others because he's human and will mess up. Someday, like you said, those two halves will rectify, and I'll just see him as the average ass he really is.

 

 

 

I need to shelve this whole thing, because it is holding me back a bit. I have moved on in many ways- I've made a lot of really great accomplishments in the past year. More than I thought I could. Now it's just the emotional part that needs to catch up, so I can leave this loser far behind.

[jjb117]

I think being ghosted is the worst way to end a relationship. At least within a fight, you can express all of your emotions to the person you’re breaking up with. Ghosting on the other hand doesn’t give you that opportunity. Just like that, they are gone. And you never expect it (because it’s such a horrible thing to do). It leaves you with anxiety. It leaves you with doubt (did I do something?) to the point where you start giving the ghoster excuses, like you are right now.

 

You may not feel like he is a bad person, and no one is saying he innately is, only that his decision to ghost you was one that shows lack of character and respect. I don’t care what you’re upbringing was, doing that to someone you claim to love indicates that you don’t really love that person. As harsh as that is, you don’t leave behind the ones you love. You can let go of the ones you love, but if you cared or had any sense of empathy, you’d know you owe them the courtesy to break up face to face.

 

He’s a coward and his actions indicate that. Leave the emotions aside and take his actions at face value. He had every opportunity to contact you but didn’t. He was aware that this would make you feel tons of anxiety but did nothing about it. It’s worse if he didn’t know either, because that shows he doesn’t care much about what his actions will do to you.

 

I’m not saying to hate him, that’s never the solution. What I am saying is to reflect and ask yourself, “would I be willing to do this again?” Just remember all the nights you had with anxiety. Remember the pain you felt that someon you cared for just ultimately left. Remember everything. Of course forgive but never forget. There are so many people out there that would NEVER do that to you. Wake up and realize your worth. You deserve better.

[ExpatInItaly]

What an inconsiderate tool.

 

You are still stuck because you never got any answers as to what happened and why he decided to run. He forced your hand, so to speak, so that you had no other option but to break up. That is enough to hurt and anger anyone. It's a very disrespectful way to be treated, and it's normal that you still have unanswered questions.

 

I would imagine you're also still in this painful emotional place because the thought of dating fills you with fear now - at least to some extent. You are probably afraid of this happening again, so it's easier to avoid other guys. It's almost a protective mechanism.

 

Looking back, what were the biggest red flags you saw about him?

[progprof2011]

@jjb117 and @ExpatInItaly

 

These are all thoughts I've had, as well. I see throughout the replies, these are the same thoughts I bounce through from day to day. Sometimes it's just "what kind of 35 year old freak ghosts?" Sometimes it's the unanswered questions, like "did I do something?" And sometimes it's making excuses for him (although that one is dying out over time).

 

The one thing that is consistent, is that I'm proud of the calm maturity I handled this with. Yes, he forced my hand, but I didn't react with the drama he seemed to be expecting. I took control of the situation, called him on his bs, dumped him (sorry, but ghosting is NOT breaking up), and went NC.

 

As to red flags... about six years ago, I dated a psychopath. That's not an exaggeration- after all my reading and talking to professionals, I'm 99% sure. So, I was aware of the typical psychopath behaviours and was on alert for them.

 

This means, when the ghoster would refer to himself as selfish, or a bitch, or like he sometimes felt unbalanced, or even that he feared screwing things up.... I called him on it. I treated them like psychopathic "tells." I would ask for more details, and to talk about it. But he would deflect, change the topic, say he was joking.

 

There were other symptoms of emotional unavailability that I didn't know (I was watching for psychopathy)- compartmentalizing, only wanting to see me when convenient for him, constant activity to avoid any real intimacy, etc. I didn't know them at the time, but I have learned them now. I guess as pointed out, I was making excuses for him (although I really did believe it was because of his new business).

 

hmmm.... this has been very helpful. It has brought me back around to me- and I see that I was not being honest with myself about what was going on, my needs, and my own sense of self-worth. I deserve better (in fact, I told him that when I dumped him via text).

[oasis]

when I dumped him via text[/b]).

 

Prop, I sympathize with you being ghosting as I have walked in those same shoes and it is the worst heartbreak that I have ever experienced. Still not over it and it has been 6 months of excruciating pain....so I can identify.

 

But I am confused. Did you dump him or did he ghosted? It seems as if there were two actions going on simultaneously: Dumping and ghosting.

 

Please clarify.

[progprof2011]

@oasis I can see how that might seem confusing. He ghosted for just over a month. He didn’t reply to messages- I sent one every couple of days- never addressed his disappearing act. After a month, I had enough and messaged him that I couldn’t be with anyone who would treat me that way, told him it was over, and wished him luck. That was when he chose to respond with apologies and excuses (but no reasons). Called him self a coward and said he regretted how he treated me. I haven’t spoken to him since. I went NC immediately.

 

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through it too. It is a horrible form of torture to inflict on someone. Like I’ve read in many sources- it has nothing to do with the “victim,” and everything to do with the ghoster.

[BC1980]

Your feelings reminded me of the complicated emotions I felt after my last breakup. It's hard to describe how you can love and hate someone at the same time. How you can remember happy times and have a lot of anger towards a person. It's very complicated, and it took me several years to square those conflicting emotions. I think you will be okay in time. It just takes awhile. If you can, push those emotions aside and distract yourself. I don't think it's good to stay stuck in certain emotions for too long because it becomes counterproductive. Sometimes, you just have to distract yourself and wait it out, even if that takes months. But you'll find some balance at some point.

 

I'd also recommend going on some dates. I'm wary of online dating, but it can help you get back out there. I did it for a short time a year after my relationship ended, and it was helpful to get back out there and move on. Even if nothing came of it in the end, and none of the dates I had turned into relationships. I still thought it helped me to get back out there.

[treehugger12]

Is it possible that he may have had another life? Wife and kids? I’ve been ghosted before in a total different situation then yours but it was still so painful, it’s been over a year and it still bothers me, even though I see him often through work, I’ve tried so hard to get us back to being “normal”. Things were wierd between us for a long time, I was so hurt being ghosted by him, it took a lot of work on my part just to forgive and move forward. We are ok now but I always wonder why he did that, I’m scared to bring it up, terrified he’ll ghost me again. It still hurts deeply. Big hugs to you, I feel your pain.

[Noproblem]

I'm pretty sure they felt bad about their behavior, just not as bad as you felt about their behavior. Even if you can make them feel worse it wouldn't change anything. Ghosting is one of those things people have to experience for themselves to realize how painful it is. Otherwise, they think you're just being dramatic. I don't know how many times my mom and friends simply said "move on." That's because they never experienced it. How fortunate...

 

Anyhow, you simply can't change the past, so leave it where it is. Let's be honest. The best closure would be to go back in time and never date these people, but we can't do that. So the next best thing is to live a happier life without them. Let your personal success be your closure. Like Beyonce said, "the best revenge is your paper." Well, the best revenge is your success, and I'm sure you can achieve greater things in life than being with someone who clearly has no respect for you.

 

I understand what you are saying

But I am also saying. When we face the people who did us wrong, it's better than keeping our feelings bottled up, especially if we can't let it go!

 

It's always better to let it go, but sometimes we don't let it go!

 

So, what if he said I am being overdramatic or crazy?

Who cares, I am not gonna talk to him ever again. This guy has so little respect for me that he decided to ghost me rather than breaking up like an adult! Why do I care if he thinks I am being a drama queen or anything.

 

I am just gonna tell him he is a ---- and he did me wrong and I am happy things ended, that's it!

 

I am not gonna beg or fight; I just feel if I tell him that, I will feel better than not telling him anything.

 

Keep in mind, I am someone who never ever faced people when they changed or simply left, but this is a decision for the future.

 

if someone ghosts me, I will tell him a piece of my mind and then go NC.

 

I don't care what he'll think or say, it's an outlet for me.

[progprof2011]

@Noproblem

I did that, in my own way. I called him out on his bs ghosting. I told him I was shocked and disappointed in his behavior. I told him that I deserve better. I told him I couldn't be with someone who thought it was ok to treat people like that. I wished him good luck with his future, but I was no longer interested in being a part of it.

 

That was the last time I talked to him, despite his apologies and self-criticism (I'm a coward, I was afraid to hurt you. I couldn't see you hurt and angry. blah blah blah).

 

So, I had my say. I put the burden of his decision on his shoulders, and let him know how I felt about it. But I did it in a very calm, mature way. Then I went NC. On my side, I think it has been the healthiest breakup I've been through. lol!

[Cupid's Puppet]

I understand what you are saying

But I am also saying. When we face the people who did us wrong, it's better than keeping our feelings bottled up, especially if we can't let it go!

 

It's always better to let it go, but sometimes we don't let it go!

 

So, what if he said I am being overdramatic or crazy?

Who cares, I am not gonna talk to him ever again. This guy has so little respect for me that he decided to ghost me rather than breaking up like an adult! Why do I care if he thinks I am being a drama queen or anything.

 

I am just gonna tell him he is a ---- and he did me wrong and I am happy things ended, that's it!

 

I am not gonna beg or fight; I just feel if I tell him that, I will feel better than not telling him anything.

 

Keep in mind, I am someone who never ever faced people when they changed or simply left, but this is a decision for the future.

 

if someone ghosts me, I will tell him a piece of my mind and then go NC.

 

I don't care what he'll think or say, it's an outlet for me.

 

When you said they should at least feel bad for a second, I was responding that they most likely won't; they will only see you as being dramatic. I wasn't trying to say that you should care that you will look dramatic because I agree...forget them and what they think about us. I just believe that the reaction you hope for, you simply won't get. And the liberation you desire, will only last temporarily and you'll be hurting again.

 

We're not hurting because we never got to tell them how horrible they were. We're hurting because we were bamboozled, and no one likes to be made a fool. Why can't you release those bottled up thoughts to your friend, therapist, piece of paper, or couch? Because I'm convinced that any one of those would be just as effective as talking to a ghost. Heck, the couch may give you a better response than the ghost...

[BusyBD]

I know exactly how you feel. Ive been there. Last year, my ex suddenly disappeared on me after got fired from his job. He even told me he miss me before his disappearing act. Like wtf! Lol. Anyway, I messaged him telling him that i know he was going through a lot and that ill always be here for him and he can contact me whenever he was ready. I never begged, pleaded, nor contacted him. I became a ghost to him too. I was really sad, disappointed, and hurt the following months until....

 

2.5 months later, he came back. Apologized, explained why he did that, told me his emotions were too much for him and had a hard time dealing with them, and he even said he wouldnt do it again. He said he cant stop thinking about me and that he really appreciates me because i was always there for him. Blah blah..and so we got back together.

 

Well, 1.5 months ago he broke up with me via text. Yup! Such a coward and disrespectful way. I never responded. NC on both sides since the day he sent that break up text.

 

Let it go. I am slowly moving on now. Sometimes them leaving is a blessing. They never valued, cared, or appreciated what we have done for them. We broke up and got back together twice. And this last break up (3rd) is final.

 

You handled the situation well. No pleading or begging. Just keep yourself busy. I know its really hard cause we never really see it coming. I mean maybe we did but we never really thought they would do that after all those great time we had with them. No matter how strong the connection or feelings, i think people like them are just not worth it. Heal yourself, grieve, and let go. We will find someone who really deserves us.

[livelaughdance95]

I can so relate to this post...Being ghosted is no fun. In fact, it's a ****ty, passive, cowardly way of ending things with someone when you don't want to actually have to face them or tell them directly. It causes a lot of heartache/heartbreak for the person being ghosted because you get very few, if any, answers and no real closure. It's a disrespectful way of dumping someone you've been with for any length of time...It makes sense that you still carry hurt and sorrow around with you. You aren't able to discuss things like a mature adult with the person who ghosted you and you have to face the fact that they took the easy way out rather than breaking up with you with dignity and respect. With that said, I've found that finding a way to express my feelings helps (not to the person who ghosted), whether it's talking to someone who is understanding and compassionate, writing out my feelings, or finding some other kind of outlet. You could even write a letter to your ex expressing all your feelings (without mailing it).

 

Finding a way to let it all out helps relieve the burden of carrying these feelings around. It also occurred to me today, after having been ghosted a couple of months ago by someone I was dating earlier this year who I thought was a decent and nice person, that even 'nice' people occasionally do stupid and hurtful things sometimes and behave immaturely and thoughtlessly towards the people who least deserve it. Even people that we generally consider 'nice' can act selfishly and unkindly at times. This helped me to put my feelings in balance and not see that other person as all bad or all good....I think part of what hurt is thinking that a good or nice person would treat me that way...The same may apply to you and be part of why it is so hurtful. You have to find a way to process your feelings and gradually let go of the pain. Doing activities you find enjoyable also helps bring your spirits up. But I agree with you that there is no easy way through this experience and it feels like a betrayal or a slow form of torture. If I am going to end things with someone or think it's not working out, I would rather tell them directly and give them the opportunity to respond, no matter how uncomfortable the conversation may be. There is no excuse for ghosting.