sarah.butl Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 Hi! I keep it sweet and short – this guy I matched on Tinder over a year ago, but we never actually managed to meet up – his work for the past year took him all over the place (I saw on instagram) -we talked from time to time but I did not feel real interest from him – I think he is cool and would be worth a date -we recently had a few changes of messages – kinda flirty and good vibes, says he cannot wait to meet me in person one day and I joked well you kind of need to be on the same continent for that but if so, then sure lets have a drink -now he is 8 hours flight away from me (temporarily, he is coming back to where I live in a few weeks) -coincidentally my job sends me on a business trip for 2 days to where he is based now for next weekend – I told him (as casually as I could keep the tone) that I am going to be there next weekend and I will have some free time and asked him to suggest stuff to do / see in the city. I kind of thought he gets this and figures out I actually mean why don’t we meet for a drink I guess I should have just said that but now it is too late for that as he just replied he doesn’t know the city that well so he only knows touristy stuff. and kinda left it there. so he is not really intiating to meet up, not even saying oh shame I am busy otherwise it would have been great to get a drink. I just kind of now losing interest as I feel like I am putting all the “effort” in. Also to complicate things now my boss says I do not need to go unless I insist meeting the clients in person, i.e. it is totally up to me whether I want go there. It is quite the trip and frankly I do not need to meet the clients in person. The city is not a big deal to visit, I have been many times. SO I would only go if I could meet him at the same time. Otherwise I feel like a fool. But what if I reject the trip now and then say come Friday he goes have you arrived safe shall we get a drink tomorrow? and I am not there…and it is 8 hours flight so I won’t just go there at my own cost then. I know it is a bit stupid , sorry! Any advice is appreciated. Please do not troll, not cool.
smackie9 Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 No it's not worth it, unless you have unlimited money and time to be a jet setter. If you are worth it to him, he will ask you out when he relocates back.
d0nnivain Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 When you had another reason to be in his location -- & your expenses were being covered by work -- I think it was fine to meet up. To fly there to meet him more then see clients, not so much. A business coach would ask this Q: is flying to him the best, highest & most profitable use of your time? The answer to that Q will tell you what to do next.
stillafool Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 Absolutely not! Can't you just wait the 2 weeks until he returns?
mortensorchid Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 There are a few things wrong with this … 1) Knowing for over a year - You said you have known this guy online (however you met - dating website / app, chat room, etc.) for over a year, and you are just now arranging a time/place to meet? I am guessing at some point or another one of you must have asked the other to meet and they had some reasons / excuses as to why it wasn't going to happen. The fact is that if one has not asked to meet the other within a few messages of back and forth chit chat, they will never meet. Back when I was new and nieve to how these things worked, I connected with some guys from a dating website and we moved it to chatrooms (when there were still chatrooms). After weeks / months of chatting I would ask him "when will we meet?" and the answer was always no. When I asked why, someone said he was too insecure to actually meet me. Do I believe that was the truth? Not sure, but whatever the case may be he was just a time waster. Eventually we stopped communicating. Whether or not he's hiding something about himself from you or not telling you the truth, he's not that interested in meeting you to begin with. 2) Distance - Whether the distance is work related or not, which in your case it marginally is, you should travel because the job makes you travel not just because he's there. Also, if you did meet this person (or anyone else) on this trip, what makes you think that this guy will follow up with you? Ideally he would come to see you as well, but what guarantee do you have that he will even send you a text the next day saying "I had a nice time, thanks". I had a trainwreck of a former friend (a woman) who would fly out to the west coast to meet these guys she met online. Looking back she may have lied to them telling them that she was going to be there anyway for other reason, but she would spend a weekend or something with this guy she met, whatever happened happened, and when this weekend was over she was all disappointed because the guys said to her when she asked when they will come to see her they would not because they were not sure how they felt about this. I don't blame them in the slightest for saying this - that is a tremendous commitment to make and for an OLD it's not worth that much. 3) Representation - Are you sure this guy is who he says he is? After all, you don't know him at all, do you? It's kind of foolish to go such a distance to do this. Think on it.
RedHead5 Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 Doesn't sound like either of you are that interested. If I talked to someone for a year and had the opportunity to meet up with said person, work covering my expenses, I would have jumped at it. And I would have been excited to tell the person and I would have not held back the excitement. Not only did you hold back but he didn't bite either. You don't sound excited. I'd wait if you are dreading the travel itself. (And this is coming from someone who has traveled to meet someone I met online, more than once, in my casual dating days.) Meet him when he gets back, if at all.
PRW Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 The whole things seems insane to me. Date someone in your own city or at least within a 2 hour drive or less.
Gretchen12 Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 Hi Sarah, maybe you can tell him something like this: hey when I told you I was going to be in your city, I really meant to say I'd like to meet you! But now my boss says I don't have to go unless I really want to. (Option 1.) So now I'm not sure if I'll go. (Option 2.) So I won't go afterall because it's an 8 hour flight. Choose 1 if you want to leave it open and consider going pending his reaction. Choose 2 if you will not consider going. Should you? I wouldn't do it just to meet the guy. Also some men (mostly older) think that a woman traveling alone and staying in a hotel might lead to sex.
BaileyB Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 Would I fly eight hours to meet a man who I had never met - absolutely not.
Zahara Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 No, he's not worth an 8 hour flight. You said he'll be moving to your area soon -- then just wait till then if you still want to pursue this guy.
losangelena Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 Nah, I don't think so. I agree that you should have just asked him out for when you were there, but since you didn't, I don't think there's any real reason to go if it's to only HOPEFULLY meet him. Wait until he's back in your city, if at all.
Chilli Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 Sure wouldn't go now just for him if that's what you mean. l mean you tell him and he side winds like that, eff off he shoulda been all over that. But , if ya still keen you could stay open to him coming to yours and see if he makes any effort then .
Lotsgoingon Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 Definitely not worth it. And he basically ignored you already. When you notified him that you were coming to the city, that was his time to express an interest. Doesn't matter that you only asked about what to see, etc. If he were half-way interested with a quarter-functioning brain, your message was a blatant cue for him to say, "well let's get together when you're here." That's an easy one. The fact that he didn't offer to meet you ... red flag ... he's not interested or he's socially incompetent. Credit yourself for putting the energy out there ... no reply ... don't go banging your head against a brick wall (which is what traveling 800 miles would be).
kendahke Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 I do not need to meet the clients in person. The city is not a big deal to visit, I have been many times. SO I would only go if I could meet him at the same time. Since he's acting all disinterested, I'd stay home and start seriously cutting back on my interaction with him, unless all you want is an electronic pen pal. Your boss gave you the option to not take the trip--and the only reason why you'd go would be to meet him, but he doesn't seem interested. Save your money.
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