whyamisounlucky Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 I’ve had the last straw with my bf today. My bday was last month (Sept 27) Somewhere around Sept 10th my bf mentions “it’s your bday this month, what date was it.” The conversation shifted and I never replied to that. So, a day before my bday we go out and I joked and said: seems like you are going to forget something” My bf replies: “ you mean your bday? No, I won’t.” Next day, nothing. He keeps texting me as usual but obviously has no idea it is my bday. The day after on 28th, I mentioned that he forgot my bday. He seemed surprised, apologized and said he would make it up to me. He asked me when I was free and I said Monday night. This morning he texts me that he is excited about tonight. I asked what are we doing tonight. He suggested: “how about we have a movie night and a massage at my house” And I lost it. This is how he wants to make it up to me??? By Netflix and chill. I ahould mention that we do go out often but this seems to me that he just didnt want to either put some effort or spend money. And I dont expect anything super fancy. Just a little bit more than usual drinks at the local bar. Last year he took me out to a steakhouse and spent about 300$ for two dinners. I did something similar for his bday as well, spending about 300$ and I am in colllege, he has a full time job. Just venting and would like some input as well, especially from guys perspective. Thank you.
smackie9 Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 We have seen this type of thread many times...my advice....date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. He's become a lazy BF, and there seems to be some lack of interest in it from him or even the both of you. Going through the motions and not emotionally connecting is a relationship that has run it's course. My husband and I have been together for over 28 years.....he always makes sure we do something for my birthday without me asking him. I get flowers too 1
Author whyamisounlucky Posted October 1, 2018 Author Posted October 1, 2018 You say you are done. So be done. Yes, I told him so. He said he thought the most important thing was to be together, blah, blah. I replied how is that different from any other day. And that I guess this is how much he values me, but there are people out there who would value me more and act differently. I have no intention to respond anymore to any texts or calls. 1
ChatroomHero Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 Yes, I told him so. He said he thought the most important thing was to be together, blah, blah. I replied how is that different from any other day. And that I guess this is how much he values me, but there are people out there who would value me more and act differently. I have no intention to respond anymore to any texts or calls. Seems a bit immature to expect something major on your birthday if you are over the age of maybe 16. It's not like you did anything besides stay alive to a certain date. Judging him on how important he views your birthday is something I might expect from a teenager. From what it sounds like you expect from him, when you graduate from school he'll have to hire the entire town to throw you a parade and buy you a crown of jewels. "I replied how is that different from any other day. " Let me ask you this, how is your birthday different than any other day? Just because you value a birthday does not mean he necessarily sees a birthday as some major occasion. 1
Author whyamisounlucky Posted October 1, 2018 Author Posted October 1, 2018 Seems a bit immature to expect something major on your birthday if you are over the age of maybe 16. It's not like you did anything besides stay alive to a certain date. Judging him on how important he views your birthday is something I might expect from a teenager. From what it sounds like you expect from him, when you graduate from school he'll have to hire the entire town to throw you a parade and buy you a crown of jewels. "I replied how is that different from any other day. " Let me ask you this, how is your birthday different than any other day? Just because you value a birthday does not mean he necessarily sees a birthday as some major occasion. Yes, my bday is different from a regular day. Maybe not for you, but certainly is for me and people who care about me. Those who don’t, it is just another day for them. And, I expected him to just acknowledge my bday, but he failed. Then, I gave him another chance, he himself said he would make it up to me, but couldnt be bothered. Oh well... 1
Happy Lemming Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 Planning something for a woman's birthday is easy, and takes very little effort. There is no reason to fail on this simple task and it will mean a lot to the woman you are dating. My long term girlfriend and I are in the AARP crowd (over 50). Her birthday is later this month, and its still important to her. I've got everything all planned out. I bought her a new purse earlier this year (on sale) as an early birthday present, but I wanted her to have something to unwrap on her actual birthday. So, I purchased a pair of red tourmaline earrings off of ebay. Her birthstone is opal and tourmaline, she likes both. I got her opal for Valentines Day, so I switched it up for her birthday. You can't go wrong with a woman's birthstone. I've used that trick for years. As far as dinner, money is a little tight right now, but I've purchased her favorite steak (its in the freezer). I'll add a baked potato and a vegetable and dinner is done. She is diabetic, so I'll bake a sugarless cake, put on a few candles for her to blow out and its done. The effort will be minimal. To "whyamisounlucky", I have no idea why your boyfriend couldn't have put forth some type of effort for your birthday. He knows its important to you, so I guess he just didn't care enough to attempt to make the day special for you. 1
Author whyamisounlucky Posted October 1, 2018 Author Posted October 1, 2018 Seems a bit immature to expect something major on your birthday if you are over the age of maybe 16. It's not like you did anything besides stay alive to a certain date. Judging him on how important he views your birthday is something I might expect from a teenager. From what it sounds like you expect from him, when you graduate from school he'll have to hire the entire town to throw you a parade and buy you a crown of jewels. "I replied how is that different from any other day. " Let me ask you this, how is your birthday different than any other day? Just because you value a birthday does not mean he necessarily sees a birthday as some major occasion. Planning something for a woman's birthday is easy, and takes very little effort. There is no reason to fail on this simple task and it will mean a lot to the woman you are dating. My long term girlfriend and I are in the AARP crowd (over 50). Her birthday is later this month, and its still important to her. I've got everything all planned out. I bought her a new purse earlier this year (on sale) as an early birthday present, but I wanted her to have something to unwrap on her actual birthday. So, I purchased a pair of red tourmaline earrings off of ebay. Her birthstone is opal and tourmaline, she likes both. I got her opal for Valentines Day, so I switched it up for her birthday. You can't go wrong with a woman's birthstone. I've used that trick for years. As far as dinner, money is a little tight right now, but I've purchased her favorite steak (its in the freezer). I'll add a baked potato and a vegetable and dinner is done. She is diabetic, so I'll bake a sugarless cake, put on a few candles for her to blow out and its done. The effort will be minimal. To "whyamisounlucky", I have no idea why your boyfriend couldn't have put forth some type of effort for your birthday. He knows its important to you, so I guess he just didn't care enough to attempt to make the day special for you. That is so sweet of you. My, now ex bf, loves to ccok. So if he did what you did, offered to go over to his place and he cooked, even something simple, and a bottle of cheap wine... i would be over the moon. But he obviously didnt even feel bad about completely forgetting it last week. Why? I guess he doesn’t feel strong enough about me.
mortensorchid Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 I think you should tell him you were disappointed that he forgot and didn't offer to do much of anything other than Netflix and chill at his house when he remembered. But … Give him an opportunity to show you otherwise. If he doesn't … Then you have your answer from him. And that's that with you and him then. I'm sorry you were disappointed.
Author whyamisounlucky Posted October 1, 2018 Author Posted October 1, 2018 I think you should tell him you were disappointed that he forgot and didn't offer to do much of anything other than Netflix and chill at his house when he remembered. But … Give him an opportunity to show you otherwise. If he doesn't … Then you have your answer from him. And that's that with you and him then. I'm sorry you were disappointed. Thank you Mortensorchid, but I did give him an opportunity, I was understanding when he forgot. He said he would make it up to me, but inviting me over to his house for Netflix is not exactly making it up to me. And I know him... after that he would just act like nothing really happened. And his bday is in ten days. I dont want to be childish and ignore it... but I absolutely dont want to put any effort. I think this is for the best.As the title indicates, this os not the only time he messed up. I am fed up. And he is 30 and good looking, with a very decent job. However, he seems so inexperienced in a relationship. When I asked him about his last gf or relationship or anything... he avoided the answer. Wonder when was the last time he was with someone. I would guess long time ago and I can see why.
preraph Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 Well, I agree if your bd is important to you, your mate should do something special. I do think you should have told him what day it was, though. Obviously, he forgot the exact day, which isn't that bad, but remembered it was sometimes soon, and you didn't tell him when he asked, did you? I think when he suggested staying home, you should have just said, "I don't want to Netflix and chill on my BD!!!!! We do that every day." 1
Happy Lemming Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 However, he seems so inexperienced in a relationship. Maybe, he just needs some advice... Maybe he hasn't learned the "birthstone" trick I picked up years ago. Does he know the things you like or dislike?? Many years ago, I was dating a woman who took me to a Gem & Jewelry Show, she ooed and ahhed over the sapphires the vendors had. I learned she liked anything with sapphires, so I geared her presents towards them. Does he know what you like?? If he is inexperienced, do you want to teach him how its supposed to be done?? Or do you want to move on?? If you don't want to "throw in the towel" on this relationship, sit down and tell him what you like, show him on ebay, give him a do-over on your birthday.
Zahara Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 And he is 30 and good looking, with a very decent job. However, he seems so inexperienced in a relationship. When I asked him about his last gf or relationship or anything... he avoided the answer. Wonder when was the last time he was with someone. I would guess long time ago and I can see why. He's not inexperienced. He just doesn't care to put in the effort. You don't have to have dating experience to be thoughtful and considerate. He probably avoided your question about his past because there was likely nothing positive to share. 1
Author whyamisounlucky Posted October 1, 2018 Author Posted October 1, 2018 Maybe, he just needs some advice... Maybe he hasn't learned the "birthstone" trick I picked up years ago. Does he know the things you like or dislike?? Many years ago, I was dating a woman who took me to a Gem & Jewelry Show, she ooed and ahhed over the sapphires the vendors had. I learned she liked anything with sapphires, so I geared her presents towards them. Does he know what you like?? If he is inexperienced, do you want to teach him how its supposed to be done?? Or do you want to move on?? If you don't want to "throw in the towel" on this relationship, sit down and tell him what you like, show him on ebay, give him a do-over on your birthday. Yes, but it is not about a gift. Knowing him I didnt even expect a gift. More like oh it is your day, lets celebrate, a dinner, drinks and deserts, a show and drinks... something. In this one ear and so of dating I never got a gift from him, except for a bday dinner last year, a bottle of wine and flowers. And I didint complain about it. It is more that I reminded him that he messed up for my bday, he acknowledged that and still chose to play dumb. He knew how to make a reservation last year, didnt he?
Author whyamisounlucky Posted October 1, 2018 Author Posted October 1, 2018 He's not inexperienced. He just doesn't care to put in the effort. You don't have to have dating experience to be thoughtful and considerate. He probably avoided your question about his past because there was likely nothing positive to share. I actually do believe that he never or long time ago (when he was early 20s) had a gf and the reason is that he probably never made past few first dates because no girl would put up with his BS.
Zahara Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 I actually do believe that he never or long time ago (when he was early 20s) had a gf and the reason is that he probably never made past few first dates because no girl would put up with his BS. Exactly. It's not about his dating experience. It's about who he is and what he deems important. 1
preraph Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 I will just say that there are lots of men and women who place no priority on birthday stuff. I don't like that any better than you do, but it's true. If you can't train them to do it, then you just have to find someone better at it. You also have to know when someone doesn't have the money for it. But I think even without money, you can somehow make a birthday special. Have a picnic and then go have a drink at the top of the tower downtown, or go see a band. There's a way if you really are set on doing it.
Happy Lemming Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 He knew how to make a reservation last year, didnt he? Yes, he made a reservation last year and completely dropped the ball this year. You can mad about it or you can express your feelings to him and ask him to try again?? I still think (with some coaching and advice) he could try a "do-over" this weekend?? How would you feel about that?? If he doesn't even want to try to fix this, then maybe "Zahara" is correct and goes to the core of who he actually is...
Author whyamisounlucky Posted October 2, 2018 Author Posted October 2, 2018 Yes, he made a reservation last year and completely dropped the ball this year. You can mad about it or you can express your feelings to him and ask him to try again?? I still think (with some coaching and advice) he could try a "do-over" this weekend?? How would you feel about that?? If he doesn't even want to try to fix this, then maybe "Zahara" is correct and goes to the core of who he actually is... Here is a funny thing, if I said I dont feel ok to Netflix for my bday he would have suggested going out. However, If he doesnt feel the desire to make me feel special on my bday or to make up for not even remembering it, I dont want to force him. He might take me out but is it geniune, is that the person I want to be with. Another possibility is that he completely forgot that he forgot my bday and then promised to makecit up for me. He seems very absent minded. On sept 26th, when I said you are going to forget something, he said I wont forget your bday. Any other person would think: “ ok her bday is in September and there are 4 days left in the month of September, it has to be one of the next four days (and ask me if he cant figure out the exact day). But not my ex, he said he wont forget but the day after my bday, he tried to make usual plans for today or tomorrow. And he is not stupid. Well... not too much
Happy Lemming Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 And he is not stupid. Well... not too much I don't think he is stupid, but I do think he made a mistake. He didn't realize how important your birthday was to you. Rookie-error... Being an older wiser dater, I've learned that lesson. I screwed up and was told to fix it, which I did. I never made that mistake again. You are not forcing him to do anything, you are providing a "teachable moment". Be direct, give him some ideas, make a list, show him on ebay some things you like. Men need to be told, (directly) what the malfunction is and how to fix it. Stewing away... being angry with him and him not figuring it out, isn't going to get you anywhere, but frustrated.
dispatch3d Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 Alright alright I'll crawl out of my lurking hole to give you a guys perspective. $300 on steaks etc. on your first birthday as a couple is a bit much, but netflix and chill is way the other direction. You shouldn't really know how much he spent the first time, but at any rate he probably went overboard the first time and way the other direction the second time. I'd probably go with gentle nudging that you kinda liked the fact he went overboard last year, can you do something somewhere in between the two this year? I don't remember many dates and September 27th? You said is a little bit of a random day in the year - its not like new years, st patricks day, etc. that are easy to remember. Cut him some slack, but at the same time let him know that anniversaries are important to you... He may have been scared to ask when the birthday was fwiw. 1
Author whyamisounlucky Posted October 2, 2018 Author Posted October 2, 2018 Alright alright I'll crawl out of my lurking hole to give you a guys perspective. $300 on steaks etc. on your first birthday as a couple is a bit much, but netflix and chill is way the other direction. You shouldn't really know how much he spent the first time, but at any rate he probably went overboard the first time and way the other direction the second time. I'd probably go with gentle nudging that you kinda liked the fact he went overboard last year, can you do something somewhere in between the two this year? I don't remember many dates and September 27th? You said is a little bit of a random day in the year - its not like new years, st patricks day, etc. that are easy to remember. Cut him some slack, but at the same time let him know that anniversaries are important to you... He may have been scared to ask when the birthday was fwiw. Very true, and that is why I didnt make a big deal. I just said “why did you forget my bday?” And a sad face emoji. He promised he would make it up to me and I was ok. We continued texting as usual. So why didnt he try today?
dispatch3d Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 Did you upset him lately? He may have retreated to his cave, takes some time to come out if he got upset... Not sure how many days you gave him, 2 days seems like a standard turn around, 4 days max... I would probably ping him after 5 days and just reiterate that doing something important for your birthday is important to you, although I'm a guy that likes girls, hard for me to say what I'd be into...
I'veseenbetterlol Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 I'm pretty simple, but I love when my bf does special things for me, esp special days. Your bf is not making an effort, heck he didn't even remember your birthday. Its not the money or fanciness of what they do for you, its the thought. If you want to go through life not getting any effort and you are ok w/that, stay w/him, if not wait for someone who will put in effort.
Poutrew Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 Unless you are a small kid, birthdays are nothing to celebrate, and the older I get the stronger I feel about this. Why on this earth, where there are so many truly legitimate holidays to celebrate, like Christmas for example, would I want to celebrate my being a year closer to my grave? Young folks think time is their friend, or at least a disinterested partner. The older you get the more you realize this isn't true...
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