smackie9 Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 Don't want to get kicked down? Stop giving them the moon. Treat them as an equal where they must reciprocate as much as you put into it. If they start to slip, you back off, not charge at them by buying them gifts and crap. To be desirable, is to be less available...that is the only way a woman will respect you.
Author Hurting5098 Posted October 1, 2018 Author Posted October 1, 2018 I love the way she smiles at me. I love the look in her eye when she sees me. I love how she calls me to tell me random things. I love how she confides in me. I just thought of something, for the last month she always came up with excuses as to why she couldn't come see me. When I found out that she went out with this new guy I thought well I guess she made time for someone. I even told her that she didn't want to come see me which she replied yes I do. Ug
smackie9 Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 I love the way she smiles at me. I love the look in her eye when she sees me. I love how she calls me to tell me random things. I love how she confides in me. I just thought of something, for the last month she always came up with excuses as to why she couldn't come see me. When I found out that she went out with this new guy I thought well I guess she made time for someone. I even told her that she didn't want to come see me which she replied yes I do. Ug Actions speak louder than words.....
d0nnivain Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 You are not a piece of crap. You are heart broken man with low self esteem. You need to learn how to put yourself 1st & not be taken advantage of. The kindness she is bestowing on you is born of selfishness. She is well away that you have been helping with her bills & giving her expensive gifts. She does not want that gravy train to stop. That is the only reason she thinks you are "friends". It's more of a transactional relationship -- sex for cash if you know what I mean. She has no feelings toward you. Try reading some books & doing some exercises on improving your self esteem. It will help you avoid situations like this in the future. Meanwhile be professional but aloof at work. 2
Author Hurting5098 Posted October 1, 2018 Author Posted October 1, 2018 If she has no feelings for me why would she call and text me all the time to talk about random stuff? I mean I don't get it. She calls me every day when she gets off work, anytime something happens or if she is doing anything with her son she calls to tell me. I also adore her son and he loves me to death.
d0nnivain Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 She calls you & texts you all the time because you pay her bills & give her expensive gifts. She does not want that to stop. 1
Zahara Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 I love the way she smiles at me. I love the look in her eye when she sees me. I love how she calls me to tell me random things. I love how she confides in me. Those are superficial values. That a relationship does not make -- you're "deeply in love" with what's on the surface. If you want a relationship, you need to have better boundaries and know your core values -- qualities you want in a partner and a relationship. When you know your worth, you'll know what you deserve. 1
elaine567 Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 The fact you are older is no surprise, you tried to pay for her affections to make up for the fact she was so much younger and out of your league. You are too old for her, she was happy to hook up to get your gifts but when she was actually looking for a bf, she bypassed you. You wrote a love story around this woman but it wasn't reality. If this is a pattern for you then perhaps you need to do some soul searching to find out why. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 She contacts you because you are kind and a good listener and she likes you as a person--in addition to the basics: that you are buying her gifts and paying her bills. So ... really want to tell her to stop contacting you ... You can tell her even that it's hard seeing her with someone else if you need to .. Basically, you want to learn the lesson of infatuation. Infatuation does not equal wisdom. Just because you FEEL this person is so amazing for you doesn't mean she is. A couple of techniques to use: Write out your strengths ... focus on what you like about yourself ... Literally write this out ... Start focusing on her weaknesses ... when infatuated, our brains literally get dulled and a little (or a lot) dumb ... We think this other person is perfect. No one is perfect. Everyone has annoying flaws. I once fell in love--twice--with a woman who I helped a lot but who was not interested in me romantically. I finally had to go full No Contact. This woman would share with me the most intimate details of her life ... including about guys. She would call me almost every day ... I get it: I was a great listener ... and because I did like her and fell in love with her ... I had really good energy towards her. But her calls hurt like hell ... I'd feel so close to her ... and yet ... I was a distance. Ultimately I realized I had to stop contacting her or else I would lose my mind. My friend had a lot of issues ... and so she didn't know how to hold back with me ... she would rely on me like she relied on a lover. In fact, I've had lovers who have revealed and shared less than this woman shared with me. And the energy I would give her is the energy that should really be saved for a romantic partner. Anyway, sorry about the pain. You definitely can learn from this experience. One point: you don't need to give a woman gifts before you are already dating. In a good relationship, just time with you, is a gift to the other person. 1
Zahara Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 If she has no feelings for me why would she call and text me all the time to talk about random stuff? I mean I don't get it. She calls me every day when she gets off work, anytime something happens or if she is doing anything with her son she calls to tell me. I also adore her son and he loves me to death. It's because you are an emotional crutch. You're a fallback. Someone that pays her bills, buys her things and is available to her when she needs company or someone to talk to -- that's all it is. It's familiar and it's comfortable to have you as someone she can reach out to when she needs attention. This is not love. It's convenience. 3
Versacehottie Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 Again, you need to enforce the boundary and tell her that you do not want to communicate any further unless it is about work. The woman has disrespected you and treated you poorly. It is time you start exhibiting strength and self-respect. She has to think she can completely walk all over you when she has no problems communicating to you like nothing ever happened. Yes!! Even worse, she is further disrespecting you by complaining to you, indirectly pushing for some support or compliment or something about her new guy. If she had a SHRED of decency, she would not mention him to you and act professionally at work. She made her choice--speaking to you about him is rubbing it in your face (no matter what the content of what she says is). So don't get all hopeful. It's akin to her asking you to solve her relationship problems and simultaneously give her an ego boost--AT YOUR EXPENSE!! When you are way down about the whole thing. What a mess. Stop talking to her!!
Author Hurting5098 Posted October 1, 2018 Author Posted October 1, 2018 I wish I had all the wisdom you all exume wrapped in my mind. I agree completely with all of you. I just walked by her and she smiled at me. My heart felt like it was being ripped out. I know I'm not good looking and have so many flaws but I have the biggest heart anyone could ever ask for. I would give anyone the shirt off my back and always get taken advantage of. What's weird is I never got upset the hole time she was dating the first guy but the second one just hit me like a rock. I guess because she never had time for me but all of a sudden made time for this other guy so it made me feel like I was dirt not good enough.
Zahara Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 (edited) I wish I had all the wisdom you all exume wrapped in my mind. I agree completely with all of you. I just walked by her and she smiled at me. My heart felt like it was being ripped out. I know I'm not good looking and have so many flaws but I have the biggest heart anyone could ever ask for. I would give anyone the shirt off my back and always get taken advantage of. What's weird is I never got upset the hole time she was dating the first guy but the second one just hit me like a rock. I guess because she never had time for me but all of a sudden made time for this other guy so it made me feel like I was dirt not good enough. OP, I don't think the woman is the issue but just a symptom. The root is your poor self-esteem. Until you fix that, you're likely going to run into more situations that leave you feeling empty and used. You get taken advantage of because you have poor boundaries. And most times, people who are out for prey can smell someone like you a mile away. She knew you were an easy target. Having a big heart doesn't mean you readily and blindly give it to someone. You should protect it rather than just give it away. People need to earn your trust and generosity first before you open up and let them in. What you did was give it away in hopes that she would love you -- you felt that if you did ABC for her, and showed her what a great guy you were, she'd validate you and she would be yours. No, that is now how it works. You can't buy love. As I said before, if you have a strong sense of self, you'd be able to make better and smarter choices for yourself. I would suggest you try a counselor/therapist. It would be a start towards working on rebuilding your self-esteem. Edited October 1, 2018 by Zahara 3
Author Hurting5098 Posted October 1, 2018 Author Posted October 1, 2018 Thank you so much, yes I have very low self esteem.
Zahara Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 Thank you so much, yes I have very low self esteem. If you identify that, then start investing all your energy towards changing your path. This may be a blessing in that it's an eye-opener and it pushes you towards focusing on your healing and self-development. Most importantly, build a relationship with yourself. The rest will come later. 2
Author Hurting5098 Posted October 1, 2018 Author Posted October 1, 2018 I plan on focusing on myself. I own a large farm besides work so when I leave work I can climb on a tractor and keep busy. The sad part is I put a down payment on some very expensive cows for her that we were supposed to get next spring. She is still teasing me at work and acting like everything is hunky dory. I know I have learned a valuable lesson and if I ever get over this I will never let my guard down again. I am better than this and deserve more.
Zahara Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 I plan on focusing on myself. I own a large farm besides work so when I leave work I can climb on a tractor and keep busy. The sad part is I put a down payment on some very expensive cows for her that we were supposed to get next spring. She is still teasing me at work and acting like everything is hunky dory. I know I have learned a valuable lesson and if I ever get over this I will never let my guard down again. I am better than this and deserve more. Can you get that money back? She is still teasing you because you are not enforcing a boundary. 1
Author Hurting5098 Posted October 1, 2018 Author Posted October 1, 2018 I just can't for the life of me figure out how she can act fine. I mean she doesn't know she broke my heart but surely she had an idea what she is doing is wrong. I have not said anything to her to the effect that she has hurt me and never will.
Author Hurting5098 Posted October 1, 2018 Author Posted October 1, 2018 I just called the guy and he said it's not refundable so I guess I'm out 6 grand.
Zahara Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 I just can't for the life of me figure out how she can act fine. I mean she doesn't know she broke my heart but surely she had an idea what she is doing is wrong. I have not said anything to her to the effect that she has hurt me and never will. It's because she does not care. She doesn't have a conscience. She's a user and a manipulator. They're not looking out for your feelings, they're looking out for themselves. 1
Author Hurting5098 Posted October 1, 2018 Author Posted October 1, 2018 Yes one thing that really bugged me was. She called me Friday night crying over her mom, I listened and was there for her. I called her Saturday and she didn't answer. I called again no answer. I text and said I really need to talk to you. She said I don't feel like talking to anyone.
elaine567 Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 I just called the guy and he said it's not refundable so I guess I'm out 6 grand. Why would you buy this woman some cows?
Author Hurting5098 Posted October 1, 2018 Author Posted October 1, 2018 Because I love her, should I tell her she hurt me?
elaine567 Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 Because I love her, should I tell her she hurt me? Why cows though?
Author Hurting5098 Posted October 1, 2018 Author Posted October 1, 2018 Because she said she always wanted some miniature cows. I have thought about it and I don't think telling her she hurt me will accomplish anything. It will just break my heart more. Every time I walk by her and she smiles at me I just want to hold her but I know I can't. I'm so stupid!
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