baro Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 I need some relationship advice from all the pros out there. I met this new girl and I am into her but she proceeded to initiate to hookup on the first date. I am not sure how things turned this way but one thing lead to another and the night ended like that. I can't really gauge her vibe since we hung out a couple times before but it seems like she isn't looking for something serious but I could be wrong What is the best way I can ask what she is looking for without ruining what we currently have? Also is it a bad idea to let her know that I am not that type of guy and actually like her? I am afraid she might think it as unattractive for being like this. Thanks
PRW Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 What is the best way I can ask what she is looking for without ruining what we currently have? Also is it a bad idea to let her know that I am not that type of guy and actually like her? I am afraid she might think it as unattractive for being like this. That entire statement is "hand-wringing" and unattractive. She was DTF and wanted to get laid,...and you obliged. So don't spout any "i'm not that type of guy" non-sense. She is experienced (and a little "slutty"), she knows what is going on around her, she is going to see right through you no matter what is said and that will be the end of it. She wanted to get laid and you just happened to be in the right place at the right time. I suspect you will not see her again or if you do it will be a couple times and that is all.
d0nnivain Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 Calm down. If you are interested in keeping what you have & possibly progressing, do not talk this to death right now. Just be chill. Go with the flow. In time, work your way up to the conversations.
smackie9 Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 Look past your feelings for her and ask yourself....is this how you want a serious relationship to start? Do you think this is a solid foundation to start one? Can you really trust her?
Author baro Posted October 1, 2018 Author Posted October 1, 2018 Calm down. If you are interested in keeping what you have & possibly progressing, do not talk this to death right now. Just be chill. Go with the flow. In time, work your way up to the conversations. how does that look like? should i still talk about what happened and setting expectations?
d0nnivain Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 No you should not talk about what happened nor setting expectations. Keep going on dates, spending time together, doing what adults do & getting to know each other, with very little discussion about what you are doing. You put the sex aside as a physical thing that happens externally from the getting to know each other & you get to know each other, plus have sex. Some men on LS think the woman should always start the define what this is conversation. I don't agree with that in general but in your specific situation, I think it's a good idea. If you push this free spirit to be tied down she's just gonna walk. However, if you want / need something more conventional where you don't have sex early on, that ship has already sailed here. So now you need to figure out whether you are wired to have sex without talking about relationships & the future immediate & can just see where this goes or if you are the type of guy who thinks she is not relationship material because she has sex with you early even though you had sex with her too.
Author baro Posted October 1, 2018 Author Posted October 1, 2018 That entire statement is "hand-wringing" and unattractive. She was DTF and wanted to get laid,...and you obliged. So don't spout any "i'm not that type of guy" non-sense. She is experienced (and a little "slutty"), she knows what is going on around her, she is going to see right through you no matter what is said and that will be the end of it. She wanted to get laid and you just happened to be in the right place at the right time. I suspect you will not see her again or if you do it will be a couple times and that is all. You are right I went against my own rules but i've talked to her about her past and doesn't seem she is like that kind. is it wrong to think that it could be something more and not the end? I wouldn't want it to be the end since we do get along
Author baro Posted October 1, 2018 Author Posted October 1, 2018 No you should not talk about what happened nor setting expectations. Keep going on dates, spending time together, doing what adults do & getting to know each other, with very little discussion about what you are doing. You put the sex aside as a physical thing that happens externally from the getting to know each other & you get to know each other, plus have sex. Some men on LS think the woman should always start the define what this is conversation. I don't agree with that in general but in your specific situation, I think it's a good idea. If you push this free spirit to be tied down she's just gonna walk. However, if you want / need something more conventional where you don't have sex early on, that ship has already sailed here. So now you need to figure out whether you are wired to have sex without talking about relationships & the future immediate & can just see where this goes or if you are the type of guy who thinks she is not relationship material because she has sex with you early even though you had sex with her too. I got the first part where you said not to talk about it or setting expectations but this is sounds the opposite "Some men on LS think the woman should always start the define what this is conversation. I don't agree with that in general but in your specific situation, I think it's a good idea. " can you please explain? Also how do i do the last part you mentioned? I am not a hookup type of guy and just want it out in the clear i do value being with her and basically don't want to mess it up with what has happened
PRW Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 Some men on LS think the woman should always start the define what this is conversation. I don't agree with that in general but in your specific situation, I think it's a good idea. " can you please explain? I can explain that. I'm one of those guys that says that. Men and women do not function the same way psychologically, and then it has been further exacerbated the feminization of men and pushing them to "talk about their feelings". But anyway, it comes out like this: The "Exclusivity Talk" or as some just simply call it "The Talk" should always be initiated by the woman. Men are more goal oriented, mission oriented, and because men have the "goal" of getting the girl and locking her down so that no other guy will "get her" and take her away from them they will bring up "The Talk" before the woman is ready and that causes problems. How does the feminization of men aggravate this? It does this because it has caused men to be generally more insecure than men used to be decades ago, and the insecurity causes them to be even more fearful that some other guy is going to take the woman away from them if they don't "lock her" down,...so they are more apt to push for it even sooner The woman may go ahead and agree to exclusivity because they really do like the guy and are afraid (rightly so) that turning down the idea down will cause them to lose the guy. But afterwards nothing feels "quite right" after that (for them) and relationship problems can fester from that point. Therefore I and others others who share my viewpoint on this always tell the guy to keep your mouth shut and wait till the woman brings up the conversation first. On average, all things being equal, it takes women about 3-4 weeks longer to get to the point of wanting exclusivity because their emotions have to build and "catch up" to the idea. It is an emotional evolution for them,...rather than a "mission of conquest" that it is for the guy, and possibly insecure guys at that which would want it even sooner.
d0nnivain Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 You want to talk to her & define the relationship. I am telling you not to. If she brings it up, talk all you want but don't you start the conversation or broach the subject. As for the later part I was trying to be delicate but I will be blunt. You both had sex with each other that 1st date. If you now dump her because in your opinion her having sex with you that early means she is not relationship material, IMO neither are you because you are setting up a hypocritical double standard.
LauraXX Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 (edited) It's so interesting to see the cultural differences though. In my country (a European country) it's really not a big deal to have sex on the first date. Why not when you both want it and when you're both condescending adults? I'm pretty sure that I had sex the first time I went out with my ex and that ended in a VERY serious long-term relationship and a family. I'm convinced that nobody under 40 (excluding very religious people) would think of that as "slutty" behaviour. And what does that have to do with trust anyway? The concept of not being exclusive with somebody however is completely unknown here. I mentioned that today in another thread. It would be considered cheating, even if you never had an official talk about exclusivity. And I'm not even talking about sex. When I'm dating someone - even in the very early stages - and somebody would tell me that he saw that person on a date with somebody else, I would be extremely disappointed. I'm currently doing that for the first time in my life (going out with two guys that is) and that makes me feel more "dirty" than having sex on a first date ever did Edit: I apologize if that is too far off topic. Edited October 1, 2018 by LauraXX
Author baro Posted October 1, 2018 Author Posted October 1, 2018 You want to talk to her & define the relationship. I am telling you not to. If she brings it up, talk all you want but don't you start the conversation or broach the subject. As for the later part I was trying to be delicate but I will be blunt. You both had sex with each other that 1st date. If you now dump her because in your opinion her having sex with you that early means she is not relationship material, IMO neither are you because you are setting up a hypocritical double standard. thanks and to be clarify there was a lot of easing, foreplay once we got to sex we had to stop because there were other people in the house and basically said another time I probably should have asked about her sexual history but didnt know if that is something that is taken as offense? honestly all these rules are so freakin complicated. it should just be simple
d0nnivain Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 It is simple. 1. Always ask health Qs before sex & practice safe sex. 2. Until you talk about exclusivity & agree to it, both parties are free to do whatever with whomever 3. Conversations about "what this is" too early tend to kill all potential. 4. If you don't want to have early sex or think that is somehow shameful, don't engage in early sex but do recognize that you can't blame some body else for an activity in which you participated. Just enjoy & go with the flow. The rest will come in time. 1
RedHead5 Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 OP, do not bring it up or ask what she wants. It's too soon. If you want her to know you like her for more than sex, go out with her and don't have sex. Problem solved. Who cares you guys had sex on a first date, it's 2018. Just be safe. I dont do it all the time but I've done it. I did it with my current bf (we are only 3 months in) but the next 3 times we met, we did nothing more than kiss goodbye. That's how I knew it wasnt the only thing he was interested in. Your actions can say alot more than you realize. And it's much less awkward than trying to have a conversation about it so early. If all she wants is sex, she will lose interest if she isn't getting any. 1
Author baro Posted October 1, 2018 Author Posted October 1, 2018 OP, do not bring it up or ask what she wants. It's too soon. If you want her to know you like her for more than sex, go out with her and don't have sex. Problem solved. Who cares you guys had sex on a first date, it's 2018. Just be safe. I dont do it all the time but I've done it. I did it with my current bf (we are only 3 months in) but the next 3 times we met, we did nothing more than kiss goodbye. That's how I knew it wasnt the only thing he was interested in. Your actions can say alot more than you realize. And it's much less awkward than trying to have a conversation about it so early. If all she wants is sex, she will lose interest if she isn't getting any. Hey thanks, that actually helps solve it in a subtle way. if she brings up wanting to have sex should i just say lets wait off a bit? I was curious if i do this too many times then she might just stop talking to me right and thats when i know its all about sex its hard when you are in the moment and she keeps asking for it
Author baro Posted October 1, 2018 Author Posted October 1, 2018 Hey thanks, that actually helps solve it in a subtle way. if she brings up wanting to have sex should i just say lets wait off a bit? I was curious if i do this too many times then she might just stop talking to me right and thats when i know its all about sex its hard when you are in the moment and she keeps asking for it BTW I forgot to mention she asked me if she thought it would be weird cuz we work at the same place and i said no it wouldnt. does that imply anything
d0nnivain Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 It implies that she is worried about your mutual personal drama spilling over into work. On top of everything else she does not want to lose her job over this. She is making sure that everything will be chill at work, nothing more.
Author baro Posted October 2, 2018 Author Posted October 2, 2018 It implies that she is worried about your mutual personal drama spilling over into work. On top of everything else she does not want to lose her job over this. She is making sure that everything will be chill at work, nothing more. thanks d0nnivain, by the way do you think thats also a good idea. avoid having the talk but show through actions and say i prefer to wait a bit longer
RedHead5 Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 Hey thanks, that actually helps solve it in a subtle way. if she brings up wanting to have sex should i just say lets wait off a bit? I was curious if i do this too many times then she might just stop talking to me right and thats when i know its all about sex its hard when you are in the moment and she keeps asking for it Honestly I would say do what you feel like doing. The 3 times we got together after the first date it was activities that just wouldn't have worked out. One was a concert but the ride situation was a little crazy and although he dropped me at my door he couldn't stay because he had friends going to his place and I had to work the next morning, one was an event he had to work longer than I could stay, and one was hanging out at my apartment pool but our kids were around. So maybe if you want to avoid it, plan something where it won't happen and it seems natural that it won't. I did want to have sex but I also appreciated that he wanted my company even if we couldn't. The only complication I see with having sex too early is it clouds your judgement a bit.
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