Broke up after 1 yr -> clean slate + NC -> getting texts from her, should I reply?

[rudeb]

Hey peeps. Just came here to post some updates. We met up as planned, it was a bit emotional for both, but went really well I'd say. We talked a lot and I really focused on listening to what she had to say about stuff and I noticed she was pleased with my attentiveness.

 

We also talked a lot via txt the day after, and today she called me and cried about how much she misses me but she's afraid stuff would just go back to how it was before.

 

So I see this as good progress and should be salvageable if I just take it slowly let her realize (on her own) that she needs me in her life.

 

This sounds salvageable.

 

Go for it. Slowly!

 

I reconciled with my ex. We are still going strong.. It is possible and my situation started sorta like this. Light texts led to phone calls led to hanging out, led to dating...

 

Good that you are working on relationship skills. That helped me GREATLY with my ex. *Communication techniques, empathy, presence, and authenticity were the things I worked on.* And healthy boundaries (but careful here, most ppl on this forum take that to an extreme that I call pride -- be chill).

 

I highly recommend reading the book "Nonviolent Communication" by Rosenberg. Also, YouTube "Clay Andrews" for great videos on the stages of a break up, relationship tips, etc. He has a non-game playing style. Lastly, read this!

 

https://exboyfriendinsight.com/what-it-really-takes-to-get-ex-boyfriend-back/

Yeah these are exactly the things I'm working on. I tend to be a bit too blunt/cold/competitive/tough/unempathetic towards people but I'm slowly improving it.

 

Thanks for the tips, I'll check it out. And a tip of my own: I did the Jordan B Peterson personality test (understandmyself.com) and found the results very interesting. Can recommend it. Also bought his book "12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos".

 

My only advice would be to make it very clear to her that you were very serious about changing for the better (if that is actually true), and that if she is willing to give things another chance, you would be open to it.

 

If she isn't willing to give you that opportunity then there is no point in continuing to live in false hope.

I did say pretty much that. Anything can be said in different ways: for example in a weak, defeatist way, or in a "strong" stable way. Imho I think I did the latter.

 

I disagree. I think this is a bit intense of a response, and a bit of a defeatist attitude.

 

 

I would be taking things lightly and not too seriously right now. You need to be detached from it somewhat. You have already mentioned your changes, and she is aware. All that is left is to start focusing them on her, rather than on other girls.

 

 

If she isn't willing to give you an opportunity (and please, don't give her any ultimatums right now), just simply accept her friendship. That doesn't mean you can't progress - it means right now, she needs you to respect her wishes. Some people need to feel free to make decisions, it can be hard. Perhaps she is one of these kinds of people. If that is the case, let things progress slowly, at her own pace. Don't worry about getting trapped in the friend zone. If you ever felt you were falling into it, light flirting should pull you out.

 

 

Most important tip: make every interaction with her a feel-good, positive experience. Don't get too serious - but, you can mention you're open to reconciliation. If you do that- make it in a light, flirty way that allows her to not have to answer "yes or no" on the spot. Feel her out... if she is receptive to your teasing about getting back together, then you can consider asking her for real. I'd give it a few weeks of playful flirting first, though. Gives her time to build trust that your changes are for real, and gives you time to keep improving your communication skills.

Yeah I think you're 100 % right. Take it easy, enjoy the friendship, she'll come back. Also I'm not the "friendzone" type of guy. I find it pretty easy to climb from friendship to more if I want to, with (as you say) light flirting etc. My biggest success so far has been to turn this around from "I don't want to be with you together, you are not right for me" to "I'm confused, I miss you, I just don't want things to go back to how they were before..."

 

Sex is a tough one. ItÂ’s known to release bonding chemicals in the brain. However, I also learned that women will have no issue having sex with an ex to ease the transition to their single life. Will it make them more apt to come back if they are rejected sexually? It wouldnÂ’t for me. But IÂ’m a dude.

Yeah, sex has its pros and cons. Me and her always had great sex and she said it was the best she ever had etc. But I also feel that with her, it confuses her mind a bit and makes her think "I can't only like him because of the sex" or something like that. She thinks very maturely about stuff. So I will keep the sex on hold and instead focus on positive emotions, having fun, light flirting, and the sex will come more naturally later.

[ThreeRainbows]

Yeah, sex has its pros and cons. Me and her always had great sex and she said it was the best she ever had etc. But I also feel that with her, it confuses her mind a bit and makes her think "I can't only like him because of the sex" or something like that. She thinks very maturely about stuff. So I will keep the sex on hold and instead focus on positive emotions, having fun, light flirting, and the sex will come more naturally later.

 

 

Perfect.

 

 

You got this.

 

 

Plus, watch Clay Andrews' video on the 5 stages of a break up. You might be in the "riding the dragon" phase... GL \

 

 

And thanks for the book tip. I love to read self-help. I'll check him out.