Broke up after 1 yr -> clean slate + NC -> getting texts from her, should I reply?

October 1, 2018

Hey people, pretty standard backstory and question I think.

Backstory:

We had a very passionate relationship for ~1 year with good friendship, laughter, best sex ever etc. We never had any fights and she often said she was amazed at finding someone she connected so well with as she did with me.

But one day she brought up that I'm too selfish/not a good listener, that I often ignore stuff she's excited about telling me, that I interrupt her mid-talk with something I think is more important etc, and also that I spend way too much time working out (both boxing/MMA and gym) instead of hanging out with her and her friends.

Sadly I didn't take these signals seriously enough, and one day she said she needed space to think about what's important to her in her life and that we couldn't be together anymore. She said she realized we were too different for each other and that she didn't want to change me but she really needs someone who listens to her, asks questions about what she just said etc. She also said "I might regret this later, and I don't expect you to still be there waiting for me if that happens, but right now I need to be alone and think". She's a very reasonable and honest person.

First I panicked a bit, since just weeks and months earlier we had great vacations together/talked about buying an apartment together/starting a family etc. So I fell into the classical traps of "I can change, just give me one more chance" etc. Problem is she had already given me that chance earlier, but I blew it.

Then I got more optimistic and thought "I can fix this". I gave her some space. She started texting me a lot, saying she misses me, said good morning/good night, we had great fun again with lots of laughter, asked what I was doing this weekend and so on. We met a few times and had great sex and also had phone sex.

One day however I started to feel her slipping away a bit. She would not check in on me any more or send me any flirty texts.

I decided I was not happy with the situation (bread crumbs + friends with benefits not moving past occasional flirting and sex) so I initiated a clean slate + No Contact:

• I removed her from all social media, which made her text me "Did you just unfollow me?" + call me multiple times (I didn't answer)

• After a few hours I texted her that I had been thinking about our friendship and that I had decided that the best thing for me is to also get some space and move on with my own life. I told her I'm not mad at her, but that I just want to fully disconnect from our past together and that we can't be friends right now. I told her I wish her all the best in life and hope that she can now find peace.

• She then replied that she was very thankful of me understanding her feelings and that she was very impressed of my inner strength and wishes me all the best as well, but hopes that we can one day initiate contact again

• I then replied something "I'm sure we will one day! But right now I just need some space to focus on my self, just as you should. I'm actually excited by this! I look forward to growing as a person and exploring myself deeper and fixing my bad personality traits for future relationships. By the way, I got a compliment from a girl at a party saying I was such a good listener and that it was refreshing with a guy that seems to truly be interested, keeps eye contact, asks questions etc. This is because of the feedback from you which I started to act on with friends and colleagues. I thank you for that. Stay well. Hugs"

And now my idea was to do 30 days of No Contact, then initiate some fun/flirty texting. But she started texting me a bunch of times in a row (without me replying to any of those):

• "Oh, I'm happy for you as well... And that you are doing those things to other women that I always wanted you to do with me..." [self-pity, victim! haha]

• "By the way you have this thing XYZ left at my place. Do you still want it?"

Etc.

Question:

Should I reply to this (and break NC), something like "Sure, I'll let you know one day when I have time to pick it up!" or should I just ignore it for the full NC period?

Edited October 1, 2018 by rudeb

October 1, 2018

If you want her back, then yes. Sounds like she is interested to me. Disclaimer: I am going through a very painful break up so I am not exactly a relationship expert.

October 1, 2018

Good morning Mr. Rudeb,

What I see here is that you're playing this like a game. You're thinking that "If I just say X, Y, Z then she will take me back". That is not how interpersonal relationships work!

So basically she dumped you, but carried on flirting and having sex. And you allowed this?! What you should have done at this point is to say "look I am not into being kept in relationship purgatory. We are either on or we're off. Please let me know which it is?"

Instead you played some crazy attention seeking game, where you removed her from social media in order to elicit a reaction, and when it worked you decided to tell her how happy you are to be apart and going out with other girls and then you went NC??

I don't understand what you're trying to do here. If you want her back then why are you doing the exact opposite of what a sensible, rational person would do? And if you don't want her back then ... what are you trying to do by playing these games?

October 1, 2018

Good morning Mr. Rudeb,
What I see here is that you're playing this like a game. You're thinking that "If I just say X, Y, Z then she will take me back". That is not how interpersonal relationships work!

Good morning! I see it as a mix of both, even if you might disagree. Both authentic, sincere non-gaming (taking my own time off to recover from the breakup, focusing on my self, wishing her all the best because she's awesome, trying to focus on fixing my bad traits) and a bit of gaming (because it is very attractive to look strong/independent/positive, even if you deep down are not and just want her back). Also my personal experience is that you can force yourself to do certain non-authentic things to bootstrap them and then they catch on and become "real". Like, if you refuse to be devastated/weak by a breakup and just force yourself to go out and meet new people and be positive, it eventually becomes the real state. The end justifies the means.

But my core question is if I should break NC or not regarding her question of the stuff still left at her place.

So basically she dumped you, but carried on flirting and having sex. And you allowed this?! What you should have done at this point is to say "look I am not into being kept in relationship purgatory. We are either on or we're off. Please let me know which it is?"

Sure. I know this, and I eventually corrected it as good as I could by saying "we can't continue seeing and talking to each other the way we've been doing until now." Better late than never.

Instead you played some crazy attention seeking game, where you removed her from social media in order to elicit a reaction, and when it worked you decided to tell her how happy you are to be apart and going out with other girls and then you went NC??

This is only your highly subjective (and very much flawed) interpretation. In fact, I removed her because I miss her and don't want to think about her all the time/stalk her profiles/see who she befriends or likes or whatever which might interfere with my personal recovery and the NC. I can always add her again in the future after NC has ended and we start texting again. Neither did I tell her "I was going out with other girls", rather I said that I had had a friendly talk with a girl at a party (nothing else happened) and gotten that specific compliment. Which is true the way. Not made up.

I don't understand what you're trying to do here.

See the final part of my post that says Question:. That's what I'm here for.

If you want her back then why are you doing the exact opposite of what a sensible, rational person would do?

Not sure what your subjective definition of a sensible, rational, person is, but I'm gonna guess most "rational" dumped people do exactly the wrong things trying to get their exes back. Pity, bargaining, trying to talk and fix things with logical reasoning (which girls always interpret as manipulation, because you're trying to use arguments to convince them they are in fact in love with you). It doesn't work. This is partially why No Contact periods and signaling that you are strong and independent/not needy/not co-dependent on her for your own well being is promoted by all "get-your-ex-back" gurus. With some personal space they will forget the bad stuff, get into a neutral state and maybe even start to miss you. Then you have a decent chance at getting back.

And if you don't want her back then ... what are you trying to do by playing these games?

Yes because spending time writing all this stuff, and asking a very clear question at the end of post #0, obviously signals I'm just doing this for fun and are not interested in getting her back. Amazing. Edited October 1, 2018 by rudeb

October 1, 2018

If you want her back, then yes. Sounds like she is interested to me. Disclaimer: I am going through a very painful break up so I am not exactly a relationship expert.

Sad to hear about your painful breakup. Do No Contact and find your inner strength and you'll recover.

On topic: Yeah, I'm leaning towards the "Sure, I'll let you know one day when I have time to pick it up!"

Just wanna hear what some of the No Contact specialists on here think about this.

Edited October 1, 2018 by rudeb

October 1, 2018

IF you told her you did not want contact and she threw something lame like that at you, then she doesn't respect your wishes.

But, that should have no bearing on your actions anyway. You should not contact.

October 1, 2018

IF you told her you did not want contact and she threw something lame like that at you, then she doesn't respect your wishes.

But, that should have no bearing on your actions anyway. You should not contact.

Good point. I did explicitly say I wish to be left alone for some time without any contact.

October 1, 2018

This video makes some interesting points:

Ex Reaches Out During No Contact: What To Do For Maximum Impact During A Period Of Breakup Recovery?

"If the relationship didn't work because you neglected them or didn't give them enough value and attention, then ignoring them reaching out during No Contact is probably the worst thing you can do"

October 1, 2018

asking a very clear question at the end of post #0, obviously signals I'm just doing this for fun and are not interested in getting her back.

Umm OK - so do you want her back or not? You haven't answered that yet, the above is too cryptic for me. Whether you should reply or not very much depends on that question. But the reply you are thinking of sending is not a good one, either way.

October 1, 2018

Umm OK - so do you want her back or not? You haven't answered that yet, the above is too cryptic for me. Whether you should reply or not very much depends on that question. But the reply you are thinking of sending is not a good one, either way.

In case I haven't been clear with this, yes, I want her back. The idea is to give her some space, reset "us" to neutral emotional state, initiate No Contact and make her realize she misses all the stuff she liked about me, work on recovering from the breakup and improving myself during NC, then re-initiate contact and flirting and try to get her back.

October 1, 2018

How long have you been in no contact now? Her not accepting your request is self servicing, in my opinion.

October 1, 2018

Like I said originally. You think playing some game, following some set of rules, saying X doing Y will get her back. Relationships don't work like that!

You've already done the worst possible thing at every step of the way. I think by now, if you ever had any chance to begin with, you've well and truly blown it.

- You allowed her to keep you in relationship purgatory: flirting with no commitment

- You showed extreme weakness, letting her make the calls, capitulating her request for space

- You then, without explanation or notice, removed her from social media

- You told her you want to fully disconnect

- You started going on about how excited you were to be single, and about another girl flirting with you

She's obviously completely annoyed with you! Understandably! And now you think doing a period of NC and then initiating some flirting is going to get her back?

No. The one chance you have is to come totally clean with her and lay your heart on the line. Tell her you've been stupid, because you're hurt. Tell her you want to fix the relationship and everything you've said and done since the break-up has been misguided attempts to win her back, but you now realise it was stupid and patronising to play these games, and that you'd now like to have a real face-to-face discussion like adults.

If she says yes, you may have a chance. If she says no, you have to accept that it's too late.

October 1, 2018

How long have you been in no contact now? Her not accepting your request is self servicing, in my opinion.

5 days ~ish.

October 1, 2018

- You allowed her to keep you in relationship purgatory: flirting with no commitment

Sure. Mistake to have sex without commitment, but not the end of the world. People have saved waaay bigger ****ups (extreme begging, suicide threats etc etc.) than that, including myself. At least I eventually took control of the situation and said we should not continue, which she explicitly said she was impressed by.

- You showed extreme weakness, letting her make the calls, capitulating her request for space

Didn't capitulate her request for space. She reached out to me and started flirting again, saying she wanted to drop by my place for some coffee, was asking if I'm seeing anyone new etc. Pretty good signs overall. But I couldn't continue the process of trying to get her back without first taking some personal time off from everything to recover. Can't still be desperately in love with her if I'm gonna re-build attraction in a confident, attractive way. Need a neutral state to start from.

- You then, without explanation or notice, removed her from social media

Recommended by many, many "get-your-ex-back-coaches" because it helps with personal recovery/not stalking her and succeeding with the No Contact month without succumbing to the urge of writing something. And frankly, I feel much better now that I don't see her name suggestion everywhere on social media platforms. We even mutually talked about removing each other (for a while) earlier, because she said it might help her personal process of figuring out what's best for her as well. To not be constantly reminded etc.

- You told her you want to fully disconnect

...for a while, to recover and focus on myself. And her response was a bit sad in tone, saying she hope we can have contact again soon. Which is a good sign I think.

- You started going on about how excited you were to be single, and about another girl flirting with you

She's obviously completely annoyed with you! Understandably! And now you think doing a period of NC and then initiating some flirting is going to get her back?

Friendly talk, not flirting or anything sexual. You can have female friends giving you compliments too you know. And and ex reaching out to me multiple times, coming up with lame excuses to see each other, hoping we can have contact again soon, saying how much she likes me and that she might regret this later but that she just needs some space now to think over everything doesn't seem like she's too annoyed with me to be honest. I don't agree with your analysis.

No. The one chance you have is to come totally clean with her and lay your heart on the line. Tell her you've been stupid, because you're hurt. Tell her you want to fix the relationship and everything you've said and done since the break-up has been misguided attempts to win her back, but you now realise it was stupid and patronising to play these games, and that you'd now like to have a real face-to-face discussion like adults.

Sorry but this is pretty much the worst advice I could have ever gotten, both based on previous personal experience (don't be too emotionally weak/logical/arguing/verbally saturated with a very emotionally driven woman, she will just see you as manipulative for wanting to talk her out of her decision and push you away even further) and researching many "get-your-ex-back" coaching videos on YouTube.

Every other "get-your-ex-back" video or article out there says something among the lines of "tell her you are sorry things turned out the way they did, but that you respect her choice, wish her the best, no harsh feelings anymore but that you need some time for yourself now, initiate No Contact, get back to her in 1-3 months as a new improved attractive person" (who has actually worked actively during NC to improve things).

Maybe you think that all contact between a man (wanting his ex back) and his ex should happen spontaneously and 100 % naturally driven by personal instinct, emotion and logic, and you're free to propagate for that, but I disagree with that view. I fully believe I have enough personal experience and evidence to support the idea that you can in fact follow certain advice from e.g. dating and love coaches - without it being 100% authentic for you just yet - and progress and reap benefits from it. Also there wouldn't be so many success stories out there of people doing concepts like clean slate/neutral state, No Contact month, re-initiate contact as a new person etc. if it didn't work and have an effect on the human psyche.

Even if it might seem formulaic at first, my end goals are genuine. I'm just using the available (and proven) means at my disposal.

Edited October 1, 2018 by rudeb

October 1, 2018

Maybe you think that all contact between a man (wanting his ex back) and his ex should happen spontaneously and 100 % naturally driven by personal instinct, emotion and logic

No. I think mature adult relationships are based on open, honest communication between both partners. Not manipulation, trickery, and advice from quack "get your ex back" coaches.

I fully believe I have enough personal experience and evidence to support the idea that you can in fact follow certain advice from e.g. dating and love coaches

Well go on then! It's your life. If you want to ask for advice only to argue about how it's wrong then go right ahead and do what you originally wanted to do all along.

This forum will be here to support you when it fails. Good luck!

October 1, 2018

No. I think mature adult relationships are based on open, honest communication between both partners.

Believe me when I say I will still keep that in mind. I just don't think it's mutually exclusive; I think you can combine authenticity (modest, not a weeping begging boy) with certain guidelines or crotches that can be helpful to bootstrap the process of getting back together when you are still a bit shocked and too desperate/emotional about things.

Well go on then! It's your life. If you want to ask for advice only to argue about how it's wrong then go right ahead and do what you originally wanted to do all along.

Well, I gave my background story and asked wether I should break No Contact or not to answer her question. Didn't ask for a lesson on morals either.

This forum will be here to support you when it fails. Good luck!

If everything fails, I will just do full permanent NC and move on with my life. A missed opportunity is not the end of the world. My core question was about wether I should break NC early or not to answer her question.

October 1, 2018

It’s only been five days. You haven’t even had time to evaluate things yet. Take your time. I don’t believe some unanswered texts (especially when you asked her not to) will derail her feelings for you. In my opinion, love doesn’t fade that quickly. If you need time to work on you, take it, and then revisit texting her at that time. I am confidence changes can be made in 30 days, but real, lasting changes take a bit longer. Why rush it?

October 1, 2018

In case I haven't been clear with this, yes, I want her back. The idea is to give her some space, reset "us" to neutral emotional state, initiate No Contact and make her realize she misses all the stuff she liked about me, work on recovering from the breakup and improving myself during NC, then re-initiate contact and flirting and try to get her back.

For heaven's sake. This woman broke up with you because you weren't paying attention to her & you made her feel like she didn't matter. Now when she broke up with you so that she could reclaim her dignity rather than being an afterthought in your life, your solution to fixing this is to go NC & ignore her more. What makes you think that is going to make her feel better about being with you? This woman does not want more space. She wants you to pay attention to commit more to her not less.

If you are serious about getting back with her try sending her flowers & pay attention to her.

October 1, 2018

I don't think you should just dilly dally with each other. I think if you want her back and IF she wants to work on it, you two should go to marriage counseling and really give it one last shot to work on things in a sincere manner.

I have to say, there are guys who simply pretend to be interested, and eventually, the woman catches on. But as you say, sometimes you have to fake it to make it, and practice does help. You might learn a new way to connect, who knows.

So I say ask her if she wants to go for broke and do marriage counseling and both of you try. If not, no contact may be best.

October 2, 2018

Thanks all!

I decided to reply something like "Sure I also have some of your stuff here. When and where do you want to switch stuff?" because, in the end, she reached out to me and I didn't want to further imprint the notion that I'm self-centered and don't care about her when she tries to tell me something. (It's true, I want to become more attentive and less self-centered.)

She then said that it was no hurry to switch stuff, but I insisted we should just get it done. She then said she wanted to come to my place (instead of me to hers). So she's coming later tonight.

She also said something about how it was sad that I had only started becoming more attentive after the fact that we had broken up, and that I didn't take her warnings seriously over the past year.

We'll see how it goes from here. I'll definitely put down more clear boundaries this time, no sex for example.

October 4, 2018

This sounds salvageable.

Go for it. Slowly!

I reconciled with my ex. We are still going strong.. It is possible and my situation started sorta like this. Light texts led to phone calls led to hanging out, led to dating...

Good that you are working on relationship skills. That helped me GREATLY with my ex. Communication techniques, empathy, presence, and authenticity were the things I worked on. And healthy boundaries (but careful here, most ppl on this forum take that to an extreme that I call pride -- be chill).

I highly recommend reading the book "Nonviolent Communication" by Rosenberg. Also, YouTube "Clay Andrews" for great videos on the stages of a break up, relationship tips, etc. He has a non-game playing style. Lastly, read this!

https://exboyfriendinsight.com/what-it-really-takes-to-get-ex-boyfriend-back/

Edited October 4, 2018 by ThreeRainbows

October 4, 2018

My only advice would be to make it very clear to her that you were very serious about changing for the better (if that is actually true), and that if she is willing to give things another chance, you would be open to it.

If she isn't willing to give you that opportunity then there is no point in continuing to live in false hope.

October 4, 2018

My only advice would be to make it very clear to her that you were very serious about changing for the better (if that is actually true), and that if she is willing to give things another chance, you would be open to it.

If she isn't willing to give you that opportunity then there is no point in continuing to live in false hope.

I disagree. I think this is a bit intense of a response, and a bit of a defeatist attitude.

I would be taking things lightly and not too seriously right now. You need to be detached from it somewhat. You have already mentioned your changes, and she is aware. All that is left is to start focusing them on her, rather than on other girls.

If she isn't willing to give you an opportunity (and please, don't give her any ultimatums right now), just simply accept her friendship. That doesn't mean you can't progress - it means right now, she needs you to respect her wishes. Some people need to feel free to make decisions, it can be hard. Perhaps she is one of these kinds of people. If that is the case, let things progress slowly, at her own pace. Don't worry about getting trapped in the friend zone. If you ever felt you were falling into it, light flirting should pull you out.

Most important tip: make every interaction with her a feel-good, positive experience. Don't get too serious - but, you can mention you're open to reconciliation. If you do that- make it in a light, flirty way that allows her to not have to answer "yes or no" on the spot. Feel her out... if she is receptive to your teasing about getting back together, then you can consider asking her for real. I'd give it a few weeks of playful flirting first, though. Gives her time to build trust that your changes are for real, and gives you time to keep improving your communication skills.

Edited October 4, 2018 by ThreeRainbows

October 4, 2018

Thanks all!

I decided to reply something like "Sure I also have some of your stuff here. When and where do you want to switch stuff?" because, in the end, she reached out to me and I didn't want to further imprint the notion that I'm self-centered and don't care about her when she tries to tell me something. (It's true, I want to become more attentive and less self-centered.)

She then said that it was no hurry to switch stuff, but I insisted we should just get it done. She then said she wanted to come to my place (instead of me to hers). So she's coming later tonight.

She also said something about how it was sad that I had only started becoming more attentive after the fact that we had broken up, and that I didn't take her warnings seriously over the past year.

We'll see how it goes from here. I'll definitely put down more clear boundaries this time, no sex for example.

I’ve only tried to get one girl back (my ex) and failed miserably. I will never do it again.

I bolded the above because I got something similar. When a woman is hurt, doing what she wanted after she’s left is like a slap in the face. Think of it like a counter offer once you tell give your boss two weeks notice. Where was that extra money when I was here?

Sex is a tough one. It’s known to release bonding chemicals in the brain. However, I also learned that women will have no issue having sex with an ex to ease the transition to their single life. Will it make them more apt to come back if they are rejected sexually? It wouldn’t for me. But I’m a dude.

Good luck and please keep us posted.

As an FYI I was in relationship purgatory for 3 months until she finally left for good. If I could go back in time I would have just walked and never looked back. Actually, I never would have asked her out to begin with.

October 4, 2018

I disagree. I think this is a bit intense of a response, and a bit of a defeatist attitude.

I would be taking things lightly and not too seriously right now. You need to be detached from it somewhat. You have already mentioned your changes, and she is aware. All that is left is to start focusing them on her, rather than on other girls.

If she isn't willing to give you an opportunity (and please, don't give her any ultimatums right now), just simply accept her friendship. That doesn't mean you can't progress - it means right now, she needs you to respect her wishes. Some people need to feel free to make decisions, it can be hard. Perhaps she is one of these kinds of people. If that is the case, let things progress slowly, at her own pace. Don't worry about getting trapped in the friend zone. If you ever felt you were falling into it, light flirting should pull you out.

Most important tip: make every interaction with her a feel-good, positive experience. Don't get too serious - but, you can mention you're open to reconciliation. If you do that- make it in a light, flirty way that allows her to not have to answer "yes or no" on the spot. Feel her out... if she is receptive to your teasing about getting back together, then you can consider asking her for real. I'd give it a few weeks of playful flirting first, though. Gives her time to build trust that your changes are for real, and gives you time to keep improving your communication skills.

Fair enough. We are both entitled to our opinions. From my perspective, I see a potentially immediate solution to fix this. His ex broke up with him for very specific reasons and was clearly upset when he said he was having success with other women by taking on her advice, which he didn't do while they were still together.

My advice is to not mess around or play games. She still has feelings, so now is the best time to try and figure things out while she still does because that window is closing. Taking it too slow puts him at greater risk of losing her for good, based on my experience anyway.

For his own sake, it is best that he figures out if they still have a chance earlier, rather than hanging on in false hope that he can win her back by being "friends". If it is truly a lost cause, it is better for him to know that now.

It's up to you to decide what is the best way to handle it, rudeb.

Good luck.

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Broke up after 1 yr -> clean slate + NC -> getting texts from her, should I reply?

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