jhurtinct Posted September 8, 2005 Posted September 8, 2005 I am in love with my man very much. We've had our problems and we are trying to work through them still (we also have a child together, who loves his father very much and that means the world to me). Problem here is my best friend who is now married 2 yrs to someone she met and married within 1 yr thinks and brags how she has this prefect relationship. Background-we became friends after her dating my brother for 4 yrs, I watched her go through hell and put up with so much she went back to him after every horrible thing he did(some were really bad). She continuously bad mouths my bf and talks down about him and it's really getting to me to the point I'm going to tell her a thing or 2 and give up the friendship. She speaks whats on her mind and doesn't care for anyone elses feelings. She always has to be right, and like I said above her perfect marriage is all she brags about. I'm to the point I can't wait for the day she can admit it's not anymore, and I know that's horrible in it self. I know she says she doesn't like him because of things he's done to me and to hurt me but aren't friend suppose to stick by you regards and love unconditionally. I just don't know what to do, regardless I'm going to try and work things out with the person I love (my son's father)and make my life what I want it to be. I'm just looking for suggestions on how to handle her before our friendship goes south.
Outcast Posted September 8, 2005 Posted September 8, 2005 I know she says she doesn't like him because of things he's done to me and to hurt me but aren't friend suppose to stick by you regards and love unconditionally. Nope. They're supposed to watch your back. Now by the sounds of it, it could be that your friend is trying to run your life which is not good. However if you're having serious problems with this guy, she could be genuinely concerned. I would have nothing to do with a good friend's boyfriend, including when he became her fiancee and when he married her. I hated how he treated her. He drank too much and was awful to her. Finally he had an affair and dumped her. In the end, she knew I didn't like him for good reason. I never lost touch with my friend but while they were together, we didn't see each other much.
Mary3 Posted September 8, 2005 Posted September 8, 2005 You have a two fold problem here : You are either being treated awful by your boyfriend and your best friend is getting upset about it. Or your friend is jealous and is attacking your happiness . Either way . I would not want to be in your shoes but because you have come here for help we will do our best to help you. First , how is your boyfriend honestly treating you ? Can you get him to stop ? How long has it been going on ? ( Or is it that bad ? ) Secondly , is it going on at all ? Are you in denial ? Thirdly , what is really going on with your friend ? Is she in danger ? Is she being abused ? Do you have a serious concern about her welfare ? Fouth , you can either say Do or Die approach and walk away from your friend because she is being catty and jealous Or your bf is being mean and she can't stand it anymore. I would take a break from HER and HIM and collect your thoughts. Seek some help. Decide if she loves you or is just being callous ? You can't think straight . Who is yelling the loudest ? Her or Him ? Listen.... Somebody is right here....now who is it ? Bf or best friend ?
Author jhurtinct Posted September 9, 2005 Author Posted September 9, 2005 deal is - me and my bf have had our share of problems we both have both been at fault. We have tried in the past to work things out and couldn't he has changed dor the better and so have I. we started seen each other when we were very young and have been through alot, never any physical abuse. I/we have grow and realized alot and are willing to do what ever it takes to try one last time we both love each other and want it to work, we are just both very thick headed people. She just doesn't think he can change but I don't think it's her place to try and make up my mind for me. I can handle advice and I will listen to what ever people have to say and take it in to cosideration, problem with her is I almost get the feeling she tries to hurt me on purpose with the things she says. she says she my friend and my only friend who won't sugar coat things, if thats the case when she showed up at my house crying her eyes out because she found text mess on her husbands phone when I tried to make her feel better by telling her "I'm sure he wouldn't do that to you ur 8mo pregnant" I guess I was sugar coating things by just trying to make her feel better. I just believe unless someone is in danger physically why hurt them with words you say. My relationship couldn't have been that bad my mother and my father both except him and my other close friends, they don't want to see me hurt again but they will stand by me, so why does she have to be such a bit=h with her words, everyone has opinions I guess I was just always told if you have nothing nice to say than say nothing at all. I guess I just want one more shot at my life with this man if it doesn't work and I fall on my face is it my problem or hers?
Mary3 Posted September 9, 2005 Posted September 9, 2005 Maybe she sees it through different eyes than you. Maybe she sees things you can't face. I would say she is trying like Heck to get you to see things the way they really are... I say work on your relationship with your bf if your expectations are realistic. If you both love eachother , then at least you have love I would tell her that she needs to step back and let you make your own mistakes . If it all falls then at least you were warned...
Author jhurtinct Posted September 9, 2005 Author Posted September 9, 2005 Thank you, mary I just don't want to see things go bad between me and her but she's always been this way, I remember before her wedding 2 yrs ago (Iwas her maid of honor) I swore after it was over we would never speak again because of how she was, and of coarse I never said anything to her. That's the other thing I usually don't have a problem speaking my mind but when it comes to her I never tell her when she upsets me and I don't know why:( But I am going to pursue my relationship and as I said if I fall on my face she can say I told you so (because she would). But I'm hoping for the best I really do love this man and I can't picture my life w/o him. Thank you again:)
Barby Posted September 9, 2005 Posted September 9, 2005 I'm sorry that you have what seems to be an un-supportive best friend. Maybe as other posters suggested, she sees things within your relationship and about your boyfriend that in fact you are unable/unwilling to see. -OR- It could be actually that she's always felt in competition with you for some reason and when she's "bragging" it's to ease the lack of confidence that she may feel around you. None of us can really know but from your posts it sounds sadly like you're very deffensive and almost as if you're having the idea that maybe she's trying to come between the two of you. I highly doubt this is the case, maybe it's your personal insecurities that lead you to feel inferior when she begins to speak of her happy marriage?!?!
Author jhurtinct Posted September 9, 2005 Author Posted September 9, 2005 maybe it's your personal insecurities that lead you to feel inferior when she begins to speak of her happy marriage?!?! It's not that, I think its more like she lives in a fantasy world and it's because nobody points out thier problems (which they do have). We have two totally different out looks on what a relationship should be like and as I said before she has to always be right in every situation therefore because I don't believe when your in a committed relationship the rest of the world stops, and you should never leave your house again without your SO and she does. Since they've been together she has only gone out alone (w/o hubby) maybe 5 times in 3 yrs, I guess because she is always right my relationship sucks because we do still do things on occasion w/o eachother to have our own time with friends. She is just very opinionated and I don't know how to talk to her about it so I think its going to become a bad situation unfortunitly.
Barby Posted September 9, 2005 Posted September 9, 2005 I don't think either one of you two are wrong about your views on relationships...what works for you obviously doesn't work for them and vice-versa. It doesn't mean that she is right about your relationship sucks nor does it mean that your right about her relationship not being good either. I think you probably need a break from her. You're an adult as is she and if you're open or at least semi-open about not wanting to be around her as much then maybe the situation doesn't have to turn bad. Start not taking all her calls, be busy when she wants to do something...if she comes over, make an excuse to leave (ie run an errand, ect). I don't know how well this will work for you because at this point you sound very bitter. If you feel that someone needs to point out her problems and the fact that "she lives in a fantasy world" then maybe that someone should be you. Tell her how you feel.
Author jhurtinct Posted September 9, 2005 Author Posted September 9, 2005 I know your right it's just I think I am very angry lately and bitter, so nows probably not the right time to tell her, I think I will start to pull away a bit, and when she asks and I calm down some maybe I can finally tell her how I feel. Thank you:)
Barby Posted September 9, 2005 Posted September 9, 2005 You're welcome...I don't mean to come across harsh, I had a best friend who was just like this...I got a new outfit, she got two, I had a problem, her's was worse, I had good luck, her's was 2x luckier! Get the point? I finally stopped hanging out w/her and taking her calls. We were friends for 5+ years but honestly I got to a point where enough was enough and finally cut her out of my life. I know it can be hard but sometimes friends like this only bring more misery and annoyance more than they bring happiness, ect. Evaluate how important the friendship is, (and as you said cool off a bit) then make your move. Good luck!
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