Girlfriend Jealous of My Meetup Group

[transbluency]

I moved to a foreign country 9 months ago, and the only person I've known since I've been here is my girlfriend. We've been together the entire time since we've moved, and because I've been so focused on building our relationship, and progressing at my job, hobbies and passion projects that I haven't focused on making any new friends. I'm self-employed at my job, so I have no co-workers, and because I'm not 100% fluent in the language, I'm not able to create the types of friendships I have back home from meeting her family, her friends, or just in the daily course of my life.

 

I recently created a new Meetup group in an interest I was passionate about (self-improvement). Prior to holding its 1st event, she was equally excited about it as I was. I asked her for her input and thoughts on things, I let her know everything about it that was going on. And she loved seeing me taking a leadership role, putting in the energy, thoughtfulness, planning into it in order to make it successful. And it was becoming that. It attracted a decent amount of members rather quickly, the 1st event filled up quickly and ended up having a waitlist longer than the attending list. And the event itself went very well despite the evening been terribly rainy, and I got an incredible amount of energy from it...because of the social interaction I've been craving for awhile, and from the fact that I actually helped and had an impact on someone that night.

 

The challenge is that things with my gf went downhill afterwards. I told her everything that happened during the meetup, that I scheduled a 2nd meetup, and the future plans I had for the group. She began to act distant and I could tell something was really bothering her. Thankfully, I went to her before she went to sleep that night and we had a long talk about it.

 

She told me she began to feel down after I told her about my 1st event experience. Although she didn't vocalize it, I knew it was because there was a girl at the event who had some challenges at her workplace, and I gave her some great advice on how to deal with them, and she was really impressed by me. She was also very impressed with my written intro to the Meetup; she said it was the most inspiring thing she's ever ever read. And she was impressed by all of the other advice I gave her and to everyone. Secondly, my gf was also upset at the fact that I wanted to hold a new monthly event with a different theme; to hold it on a Sunday for a few hours once a month. Originally, I was only going to schedule weekly events on on a weekday evening, that was the same time as her yoga class, and now I wanted to cut into our weekend time, although it would only be for once a month.

 

In the end, I told her that I would quit doing the Meetup. A little bit of backstory on her: She was cheated on by her ex-husband twice, once with her friend. And her dad also cheated on her mom. She's witnessed a lot of cheating by the most important men in her life, and I'm the first person she's been in a committed, long-term relationship with since her divorce. And 9 months into this relationship, we've been nothing but extremely happy together. We both have the same personality types, we have the same beliefs and values, the same interests, the same long-term goals for life. We're both kind, positive and down-to-earth, minimalistic people. We go running and biking together, we cook new recipes together, we meditate together, we travel to new places together, we have date nights, we have our quality chat time during dinner almost every night. Our sex life is amazing. She brings an incredible amount of joy, love and positivity to my everyday life. And so I decided that what we had was too great to risk over a Meetup group. I told her that when I'm on my deathbed that what will give me great peace and joy is that I had the "greatest relationship the world has ever known", and that the meetup wouldn't matter in the same way in the larger scheme of things.

 

I believe everything that I told her. We really do have an amazing relationship together, and if you believe in soulmates, she is my soulmate. And I 100% empathize with her past (I was cheated on and I divorced my ex too), I empathize with her personality type (I have the same also, ISFJ, but she's a much, much stronger F, 90%+), I empathize with her love language (quality time). It's been a couple of days since I told her I would quit and end the Meetup, and things have reverted back to usual - everything is amazing between us again.

 

But a part of me feels sad. A part of me feels sad because I felt a high from helping someone during the 1st event, and that feeling of having a strong impact on someone via your own unique skills and knowledge is just such a rare thing to have and experience on a consistent basis. At least for me it is. And there is a huge demand for the meetup. It keeps getting new members, and my 2nd event filled up in less than one day. I have all of these great ideas to do in the future, and a grand vision for what I wanted, and I've discovered that I have the potential to be a really, really great organizer and leader. And that's something that a part of me wants to continue to explore. Just thinking about it gives me so much energy and passion.

 

What I want to know is if what I'm doing is okay. To give up my meetup. I've given up on things before and I was sad and disappointed for a short time, but eventually I moved on to new things. Perhaps this is the same case and it's just temporary. Perhaps it's the right thing to do for the sake of my relationship. Because what I have with her is what I have been looking for my entire life, and I know it's so rare and precious, and the truth is the vast majority of the world will never have what I have right now....that I should practice more gratitude for it and divert some more of my energy there, rather than to have this super successful Meetup. I originally wanted EVERYTHING. Right now, I have this great relationship, a great job I love and enjoy doing, I have great health and fitness, I have passionate hobbies, I have healthy relationships with my immediate family from back home, I'm living in another country for the first time and I've learned the basic language...but I also want to have this Meetup so i can make lots of great friends and as a vehicle to help as many people as I can and to have an impact on the world. I'm thinking that it might be asking for too much; that i need to take a step back and be grateful for what I have and be empathetic to my GF, and not get too crazy with this ambition.

Edited October 1, 2018 by transbluency
Grammar

[2much4]

I think it was a mistake to stop the Meetup group. Its not asking for too much to be allowed to socialise even while in a relationship. You did nothing wrong.

[BC1980]

I feel that it's extreme of her to want you to stop going go the Meet Up. It's not her fault she was cheated on, and I understand why she would be affected by that. But at some point, she has to move on from that and not punish you for what someone else did.

[smackie9]

The only way to fix this is to have her more involved and to participate. The key word here is compromise. I think she can miss one yoga class to attend a once a month meet up. She's just being a spoiled brat, and needs to get real with her insecurities and jealousy. If she was such a soul mate she would be supporting you and sharing this new passion. If she can't do this, your relaitonship won't have it for the long haul. I'm saying she's selfish, because she sees some of your attention being taken away from her....she needs to grow up, and realize it isn't just about her.

 

 

Now my advice is to go back and talk to her about it, and work out the details, because I feel you should go forward with this meet up group event. it's rewarding, it's positive, and making a difference in your life and those who attend. I know if you don't do this, you will start to regret it, and feel some resentment towards her down the road when the honeymoon stage of your relaiotnship ends.

Edited October 1, 2018 by smackie9

[Noproblem]

I am sorry but if she thinks that isolating you from the world will keep you from cheating then she gonna be shocked on the long run.

 

I don't get what you are doing, but you shouldn't do that.

 

Ok, imagine if the rules reversed, if my boyfriend got upset about something harmless that makes me happy and feel content.

 

What would I do?

what the people here would tell me to do?

 

"Dumb him! He is selfish, they would say! He wants to control you and isolate you from the world, they would say."

 

So, here you have it!

 

No, I wouldn't tell to leave your gf, but at the same time, what is more important than your gf or anyone else, is you!

What you want, what you dream of, your passion, your hobbies.

You should not sell out on you and what you want!

You should not give up what you created just to please anyone!

 

You know you. Are you gonna cheat?

If you truly believe that you gonna cheat because some girl liked your meetup intro and got some advice from you, then yes please cancel the meetup group because you have a tendency to cheat.

 

But if you sure of yourself and your love of your gf, just get her involved in the meetup and start it all over again.

Edited October 1, 2018 by Noproblem

[SunnyWeather]

Moving abroad with a partner can be extremely stressful on multiple levels. I'm wondering why she is not participating in the group as well? It takes time for both parties to find a new social circle, and there will be times one partner is able to integrate much faster than the other, and vice versa. Give it some time, and hopefully, together and individually, you both will thrive in your new environment.

[transbluency]

The only way to fix this is to have her more involved and to participate. The key word here is compromise. I think she can miss one yoga class to attend a once a month meet up. She's just being a spoiled brat, and needs to get real with her insecurities and jealousy. If she was such a soul mate she would be supporting you and sharing this new passion. If she can't do this, your relaitonship won't have it for the long haul. I'm saying she's selfish, because she sees some of your attention being taken away from her....she needs to grow up, and realize it isn't just about her.

 

 

Now my advice is to go back and talk to her about it, and work out the details, because I feel you should go forward with this meet up group event. it's rewarding, it's positive, and making a difference in your life and those who attend. I know if you don't do this, you will start to regret it, and feel some resentment towards her down the road when the honeymoon stage of your relaiotnship ends.

 

If that's the only way to fix it, then there is no fixing I've encouraged her to participate in the group, but she does not have any desire to. She already has a few best friends, a number of periphery friends, family, co-workers, and myself. This is already enough for her, and she is also an introvert, and as an introvert myself, I understand why she doesn't want to expend her finite amount of energy on meeting and interacting with a bunch of new strangers.

 

I do understand the risk of regret and resentment forming down the line. Thank you for pointing that out It's something that has come across my mind the past couple of days, and I think about it now as I read your words. In my mind, what I hope with the decision I made is that I can learn and practice to let those feelings go. She has verbally recognized how much strength it takes and how hard it is for me to give this up. She has also said that she understands the difficulty of being away from my friends and family here, and that she wants me not to feel sad. We did create a compromise that I would attend events from other meetups and we would discuss them beforehand, but that I would not organize my own meetup group. But there are a lot of challenges with this compromise because there are only a handful of groups that can speak fluent English, and many of them don't interest me, or the schedules and locations are very inconvenient. That's part of why I created my own group; it solved those issues for me

 

i certainly have a lot of thinking to do.

[transbluency]

Moving abroad with a partner can be extremely stressful on multiple levels. I'm wondering why she is not participating in the group as well? It takes time for both parties to find a new social circle, and there will be times one partner is able to integrate much faster than the other, and vice versa. Give it some time, and hopefully, together and individually, you both will thrive in your new environment.

 

She's not participating because she doesn't need a new social circle. She is a native of the country I moved to.

 

10 months before I met her, I decided to spend a year learning a new language and then moving abroad to live and work as a digital nomad in a number of different countries, and learning new languages along the way. I used this site called italki to do one-on-one lessons with tutors via Skype. Once I improved my level of speaking and listening, I decided to find language partners and to create a network of friends prior to moving abroad. In the process, I ended up meeting her, and we had instant chemistry. We had the same personality types, she's lived in my home city for a couple of years in the past, she's fluent in English, we have the same relationship histories (both coincidentally married and divorced in the same exact years, divorced for the same reasons - ex cheated on us with mutual friend), we have the same interests and hobbies, we both have similar character traits and same ways of thinking.

 

It's part of why I can empathize with her so much; because I've felt the same way in the past, when it came to my ex and her desire at the time for new friends and new social circle and new social life. And I was a strong introvert and I did not want to participate in it, yet I also felt extremely left out because of the time and energy she spent on that. So i understand why my GF feels the way she does. And my decision to quit is based on the idea that at the stage of where she is right now, she's unlikely to change her mind on this anytime soon, and the harder I push to want things my way right now, the further it will push her away. Rather, since we compromised that I would still do events from other meetups, I hope with more time and discussion that she'll be able to see my point of view better. She is a pretty self-aware person, but right now her ISFJ-ness - aversion to change, strong feelings of jealousy - is clouding her judgment. So right now, yes I'm quitting, but I'm quitting because it's too much of a stark change for her to process right now. Our relationship for the past 9 months - although it is early in the scheme of things - has been bliss and she doesn't want to upset that. So for right now, my solution to figuring this problem out is using baby steps, being 100% open with her, and doing it in a patient, calm, positive way.

Edited October 2, 2018 by transbluency

[transbluency]

I am sorry but if she thinks that isolating you from the world will keep you from cheating then she gonna be shocked on the long run.

 

I don't get what you are doing, but you shouldn't do that.

 

Ok, imagine if the rules reversed, if my boyfriend got upset about something harmless that makes me happy and feel content.

 

What would I do?

what the people here would tell me to do?

 

"Dumb him! He is selfish, they would say! He wants to control you and isolate you from the world, they would say."

 

So, here you have it!

 

No, I wouldn't tell to leave your gf, but at the same time, what is more important than your gf or anyone else, is you!

What you want, what you dream of, your passion, your hobbies.

You should not sell out on you and what you want!

You should not give up what you created just to please anyone!

 

You know you. Are you gonna cheat?

If you truly believe that you gonna cheat because some girl liked your meetup intro and got some advice from you, then yes please cancel the meetup group because you have a tendency to cheat.

 

But if you sure of yourself and your love of your gf, just get her involved in the meetup and start it all over again.

 

No, I'm not going to cheat The reason why I'm divorced is because my ex cheated on me, accidentally got pregnant with his baby, and then aborted it to continue her marriage with me. So besides the moral aspect of not cheating, this personal experience has me utterly disgusted by the thought of it and how it can damage so many people's lives

 

What I've decided instead of taking a stand for what I want, or the my-way-or-the-highway route - is to take baby steps and move at a slower pace. Because I don't just want to get what I want with the meetup group; I need her to fully understand me. I need her to be on the same page with me, and the truth is that I'm looking at this like a process. Yesterday, I told her that I felt sad to let out of the meetup group. Because I did have success with it, I felt a high from helping others, and it was hard to let go because I've let go of other things in my life - good and bad things - and it always feels sad when doing so. And she empathized with me, and expressed things she's let go of in the past. She also told me to let her know if I continue to feel sad about quitting the meetup. And she also asked me if I still wanted to continue with the events, but i said no. I could have said yes, but I know she's not there yet. And I'm also not there yet. I honestly don't want to do the Meetup now if she's not 100% positive about it as well.

[elaine567]

Truth is you are a go getter, a doer and you have hitched yourself to someone who will keep dragging you down to her level or below it...

[kendahke]

We did create a compromise that I would attend events from other meetups and we would discuss them beforehand, but that I would not organize my own meetup group.

 

And when this ceases to be enough for her, how much more of yourself and what makes YOU happy are you going to sacrifice on her "my ex cheated on me, I can't trust anyone else and you're going to pay for it" altar?

 

What I've decided instead of taking a stand for what I want, or the my-way-or-the-highway route - is to take baby steps and move at a slower pace. Because I don't just want to get what I want with the meetup group; I need her to fully understand me.

 

Does she truly want to understand you, or is that just lip service on the way to her getting what she wants/my way or the highway? Because she has, going by what you wrote. You've given up something that brought you joy, enabled you to create your own tribe where you now live and she can't stand that.

 

If her ex issues are this bad, then she needed a therapist more than she needed a boyfriend because she's making you pay for what someone else did, whether or not you choose to believe that truth.

 

It'll be interesting to see how long you can maintain this. A glass of water doesn't weight much until you've been holding it for 12 hours non stop.

[kendahke]

She also told me to let her know if I continue to feel sad about quitting the meetup.

 

Kind of like asking the moth if it continues to feel pain after you've pulled off a wing and are going for another.

 

Let her know? You're telling her now. What's not to understand here? Why does this need to play out one minute further?

 

See, this is what I mean by her not wanting to understand. This shouldn't have to go on one minute more for her to get it.

[Whodatdog]

Your girlfriend is trying to control who you see, and its going to be a sad losing battle for her. The world is full of girls. So you dont do this meet up, and you get another hobby, and there a girl, or girls involved in that. Is she going to tell you not to do that too?

 

If she is going to learn to trust you, she has to just trust you. She also has to understand that sure, she was hurt. But Ive got a new flash for you. There isnt a person in this entire world that hasnt been hurt. Its unfortunate. But she cant blame you for her past, and she has to let you do things you want to do. Thats the only way she can trust you, not be holding you back. And the only way to build a good relationship. She has to trust YOU.

[mortensorchid]

Your gf is trying to control you, and it's too bad that she is so insecure that she is going to interfere and make you so miserable in an effort to make herself happy. Are you sure she is faithful to you? I find that when one partner is constantly doing things like this (demanding that you not see / talk to other women, severe ties with family / friends, etc.) it's because THEY are cheaters themselves and are telling the other person that they are actually thinking about cheating or have cheated in the past. A secure person does not act like this. They are okay with all things.

 

I don't think you should give up the MeetUp group, include her if you like so she can meet others and see what you are about. If she wins this battle she will take another. Compromise.

[olivetree]

You are giving up too much of yourself.

A healthy relationship is supposed to open up your world, not close it and isolate you.

 

Holding a meetup once a month - not a big deal.

If you can't socialize with others even once a month, this relationship is not sustainable.

You're in the first 9 months of your relationship - the honeymoon phase.

You will see how old this will quickly get if it doesn't improve.

 

So many ways to compromise here, though I think it is already a compromise to hold the meetup once a month instead of weekly (not that you should have to).

If you continue to give up things you enjoy for her, you're going to resent her.

 

If you have good boundaries at your meetups and in the rest of your life that promote trust and fidelity in your relationship, then you should be pretty free to do what you want.