I'm so so angry at myself (27F) for not being able to move on from him (28M)!!

[annalilian26]

I was involved with a guy for only a month earlier in the year. It was a very short lived, intense thing that ended badly between us but we were so attracted to each other and both struggled with anxiety and depression so when things were good between us, it was a really nice time. We had gotten off to an unsuccessful start because the year before we started dating, we actually went on an unsuccessful date where he showed up drunk and on benzos and later took me to a bar where his ex(38F) happened to be and he continually left me at the bar to have a cigarette outside with her and their mutual friends. I got fed up and approached him and told him I was leaving and he shrugged but later texted saying he didn't mean for it to happen and that it was all a mistake and he wanted to try it again. I blocked all contact, but we somehow crossed paths a earlier this year, he apologised profusely, I accepted his apology, we hit it off as friends and became really close and then subsequently began seeing each other.

 

When we were seeing each other for that month, I was surprised to find that things were REALLY nice at times. He deleted his tinder as soon we started dating started and told me he didn't want to see anyone else. He told me that he hasn't been able to sustain an interest in any other girls that year because I was always at the back of his mind. He'd come over and bring me coffee and breakfast and cook for me and frequently told me that I was beautiful, sexy and that he loves being around me. I felt the same for him. But unfortunately I did feel distrustful as he is still friends with that ex who kind of sabotaged our date (and I later found out that she made fun of me to him and referred to me as 'that tinder date' i.e., can I come over to use your washing machine...that tinder date can wait). Although I had no problems with their friendship, I was apprehensive that she might be disrespectful towards me as they all still hung out and that he wouldn't do anything to stand up for me again, so I wanted to suss out his approach to it and I expressed that this was something I was a bit concerned about and he didn't really give me much reassurance...

 

Things turned really sour after that. We organised a date to go out and that night he barely spoke and was very emotionally distant. He would get into brief moods like this throughout the month we were together and at times made jokes that I found hurtful (i.e., that I looked like danzig from the misfits and that i'm 'just okay'...) and whenever I would express that this upset me, bringing it up would then aggrevate the situation further and he'd say that I am too 'intense' and that I am dramatic and he hates drama.The day after that date, we were texting and he was really cold again. I told him some story about something stupid and he said 'I don't see how that's relevant'. I told him that although it was probably a dumb story, I didn't appreciate him talking to me like that and he went on to say that he is a 'jerk' and is going to get '100 percent jerkier' and if I want to continue dating him, I have to be ok with this. He expressed that he needs to be with a girl who will put him back in his place when he acts like this and not be so sensitive and that he is likely to get meaner when he drinks. Deep down, I know this is not the relationship I want to be in so we agreed to end it there.

 

It was a terrible decision, but we agreed to stay friends with one another and communicated via Facebook messenger. We'd get into this routine where we'd chat like we used to before we got romantically involved, then one of us would confess to each other that we still had feelings for each other, we'd both agree that we found talking was making it difficult and to give each other some space until we were ok to talk again. After that agreement, I would get this overwhelming need to talk to him. The need to speak to him was very intense and I'd break the agreement and cave in. I would then realise that I needed more time, I'd apologise and I'd back off. This cycle went on for about a month and each of these discussions were spaced around a week to two weeks apart. During every one of these discussions he never raised having an issue with me reaching out and seemed kind of engaged and entertained during these discussions as there was a lot of banter and back and forth. He even told me that I can break the contact rule at any time if I was in a bad place and needed someone to talk to because he still 'really cares' for me.

 

After the last agreement for no contact, I caved in and got in touch to tell him that I really wish we were able to make it work and that I was struggling to move on. He responded saying that he feels exactly the same and that something deep down makes him want to say, 'stuff it lets just be together' and that he never expected he would develop feelings for someone like he did with me but he knows because of his drinking, it would be catastrophic for both of us as every relationship he has just ends bad and he has a lot of growing up to do. He also said that because he needs to get a new job as he has been unemployed for 7 years, he can't stuff it up for himself. Two days passed with no discussion between us and I continued the conversation. He said that he was just drunk when he wrote that stuff to me, he doesn't even remember saying these things about his feelings for me, as they are no longer there for him anymore. I tried to engage further and he ignored my messages, which set me off to ask him if he was ignoring me.

 

After two days, I wrote in to apologise for bombarding him with those messages and he told me that he is done talking with me now and doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore because I keep getting in touch even though he asked me not to and I keep asking the same questions and it keeps going around in circles and he just wants to have some peace. He said that he has told me time and time again not to communicate with him (however he never once did express this), he has tried to be polite and has tried to respond to my messages but he doesn't know how else he can tell someone that he doesn't want to talk to them. I apologised profusely to him as I felt terrible for misreading the situation and overstepping his boundaries. I felt so ashamed by this and begged him not to end it on such sour terms and he told me that it's the only way and he can't help how I feel. I asked him if this is really what he wants and he said 'there is another question, I told you to stop communicating with me, yet you still keep going'. I then expressed that I will respect his decision to stop interacting and apologised for all of this. He read my last message, ignored it and then deleted me off all social media.​Anyway... Two months after he messaged me telling me he was truly sorry for everything and that even though it is no excuse, he was in a bad place and that he was a 'pig' and a piece of **** and that he hopes I am doing well. I WAS doing really well at the time and told him that I appreciated his apology and that i was wishing him all the best. I ENDED IT ON SUCH A GOOD NOTE AND HAD ALL THE CLOSURE I NEEDED, IT WAS GREAT!!!! Anyway, things went bad when I was trialing a new medication. I know that he struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts and I was worried about him. I had this compulsion to write to him and tell him that if he is in a dark place again, he can reach out to me and I will be there for him because I still care. He wrote back saying 'likewise' and asked me how I am. I told him I am fine, in return he told me he was good as he got a new job at his favourite liquor store. From there I told him that I don't think we should start talking again incase things get nasty again, but I want him to know that I am there if he needs someone.

 

The day after I read that conversation and it felt like he was trying to engage with me and that maybe he still had feelings. So these overwhelming feelings for him returned and I wrote back to him again telling him I still have feelings for him and it has been eating me up, after everything that happened and its bad. He responded saying "sorry....It was my fault for messaging. Don't feel bad x". I then told him that I know it will pass, but the contact just brought it on and that I am keen to just put it behind me. He then said 'yeah....best to not talk or we'll just go around in circles. Sorry I shouldn't have messaged...I messed up. I think we should just block all contact from here'. I apologised for being such a nuisance and he said 'No I was the nuisance, It all got ugly and it was my fault for being so selfish. Take care and I hope we cross paths one day and everything's ok. x'

 

From there he actually blocked me on messenger and I didn't get a chance to respond back. I was so ashamed that he actually blocked me and I felt so awful and embarrassed that he viewed me in such a way that he thought blocking me was the only way that he could get rid of me. I felt like I was a stalker or that I had been harassing him or some repulsive head case ex. I am still feeling so ashamed and ridiculous for behaving this way and am so embarrassed about my behaviour and I still do have feelings for him.

 

Anyway, from mutual friends I found out that he is seeing a newly separated, 38 year old single mother and this has intensified these feelings of regret and shame for me even more. I did believe that he just couldn't commit because he wasn't in the right place and that he just wanted to look out for me and I was beginning to come to terms with it from all of that, but now that he is in a relationship with another woman, I feel he was just saying all those things to let me down easy.

 

I know her from mutual friends and she is a very cool, confident, head strong woman and basically is the opposite of me who is insecure, fragile and a bit of a loner. Apparently he is really smitten with her because she is the 'female version of him'. I HATE myself for feeling so strongly for him still after trying to move on over and over and getting nowhere and I hate that I wasn't enough for him to want to stay with me or that I wasn't good or right for him in the end, especially considering that he did reject me by blocking me at our last contact. Him blocking me has made me feel so repulsive.

 

Not only that, when he wrote in apologising profusely during our last discussion he was so kind and considerate so it made me rethink whether he was really as bad as I originally thought he was and if maybe our short lived relationship gave him a push to reconsider himself and change for the better and become an entirely good guy, like he was during the nice parts of that relationship.

 

If anyone could provide some supportive insight into this to help me come to terms with the situation and move on that would be really appreciated as I feel too anxious to go out any more in case I will bump into them and I do really care about how he remembers me as this repulsive, psycho ex who he had to block to leave him alone.

[ExpatInItaly]

If anyone could provide some supportive insight into this to help me come to terms with the situation and move on that would be really appreciated as I feel too anxious to go out any more in case I will bump into them and I do really care about how he remembers me as this repulsive, psycho ex who he had to block to leave him alone.

 

This is your problem right here.

 

You attach all your value to the opinion of a guy who showed up drunk and high to your date and proceeded to cozy up to his ex, who can't hold a job and who is generally a completely sh**head. Trust me, he is not a catch.

 

You need to figure out why you care what this low-quality person thinks of you. And you then you need to work on improving your self-worth so you don't chase after clowns like this again. The issue isn't him, but you. Until you address what's really going on with you, and why you were so desperate to prove your value to him, you are likely to pursue another dead-end and then wonder what went wrong, again and again.

Edited September 30, 2018 by ExpatInItaly

[annalilian26]

This is your problem right here.

 

You attach all your value to the opinion of a guy who showed up drunk and high to your date and proceeded to cozy up to his ex, who can't hold a job and who is generally a completely sh**head. Trust me, he is not a catch.

 

You need to figure out why you care what this low-quality person thinks of you. And you then you need to work on improving your self-worth so you don't chase after clowns like this again. The issue isn't him, but you. Until you address what's really going on with you, and why you were so desperate to prove your value to him, you are likely to pursue another dead-end and then wonder what went wrong, again and again.

Hi, thank you for your insight. I do appreciate it and completely agree that this is something I need to discuss with a therapist to investigate. I will add that this isn't the first time I've found myself dating someone with the qualities and been somewhat destroyed in the process.

 

I think my issue here is that on our last interaction he presented so differently by apologising to me and taking accountability for his actions and he has recently become employed again, so maybe he has started to get his life together. Not only that, he is dating a single mother who should be a relatively stable person? I am unsure if maybe he has done a total 180 since we broke it off and that his behaviour in the relationship we had was an eye opener for him to get better and subsequently is better with this new lady.

[ExpatInItaly]

I am unsure if maybe he has done a total 180 since we broke it off and that his behaviour in the relationship we had was an eye opener for him to get better and subsequently is better with this new lady.

 

It doesn't matter.

 

What matters is that he was not good to you. He showed you time and again that had very little regard for you, little respect and low interest.

 

It doesn't make a difference how he treats someone else. He didn't treat you the way a guy who is into you for the right reasons does.

[annalilian26]

It doesn't matter.

 

What matters is that he was not good to you. He showed you time and again that had very little regard for you, little respect and low interest.

 

It doesn't make a difference how he treats someone else. He didn't treat you the way a guy who is into you for the right reasons does.

 

Really well put! Do you think that the way he handled it in the end by reaching out to apologise and taking accountability for his actions plus saying all that nice stuff made him less of a ****head or do you think this was just his way of absolving himself of guilt?

 

(the apology factor seems to have twisted my mind into thinking he wasn't that bad and I'm trying to drill it into my head that he wasn't a good person in how he treated me)

[Gretchen12]

He was unemployed for 7 years, what did he live on? Older women? And an alcoholic working in his favorite liquor store? This guy is a mess. He is a user and he hasn't had successful relationships.

Your depression is not his depression (i.e. they don't look the same). You are ruminating, self-loathing. He is angry, with alcohol addiction. You two are like a match made in hell. You both need to be well to handle being in a relationship, at the same time you crave it. But you react the opposite:

He immediately jumps in to another affair to fill the emptiness, when (not if) that doesn't work out, he goes on Tinder or straight to his rolodex (contacts). You're in his contacts along with many other women.

You shut yourself off and ruminate over this. You can't let go because you are still thinking about him so much that he is still very much a part of your life. You're not going to move on until you stop thinking about him. Yes, we CAN control what we think about!

[Gretchen12]

btw he's Jeckyll and Hyde. You can file that nice apology from him with the other good behaviors that drew you in, at those times when you thought he's really nice. All that goes in the Dr Jeckyll file. File it away then forget it.

He hasn't changed. If all it took for him to change was a one month relationship with you or anyone, all therapists and psychiatrists will be out of a job, and no need for al anon either. No he hasn't changed.

[Whodatdog]

I could barely read the rest of it after reading he'd been unemployed for 7 years.

[ExpatInItaly]

Really well put! Do you think that the way he handled it in the end by reaching out to apologise and taking accountability for his actions plus saying all that nice stuff made him less of a ****head or do you think this was just his way of absolving himself of guilt?

 

(the apology factor seems to have twisted my mind into thinking he wasn't that bad and I'm trying to drill it into my head that he wasn't a good person in how he treated me)

 

No, because the way he's treated you for the last several months says it all. He's also dating someone else now and not your problem anymore.