LonelyHearted Posted September 30, 2018 Posted September 30, 2018 I tried to do everything right—from the relationship, then during the breakup, and in the months afterward. And yet I’m still stuck in that moment—paralyzed by heartbreak and the fear that I will never love someone as deeply as I loved him.. While he and I were together, I was consistent, kind, and patient despite the long hours he worked, all the times he had to travel and be away for work, and even the handful of times he canceled dates due to work. I was so in love with him that I accepted it all because he loved his job and it had defined who he was for so long—long before he ever met me. I didn’t want to stand in the way of his passion, and I never did, so I accepted that he and I would have to spend time apart. It was hard, but love isn’t always easy. I knew he was working hard and feeling overwhelmed, but I still didn’t see the breakup coming. He never told me when we were together just how torn he felt between the demands of his job and his commitment to me. He never gave me the chance to work it out with him, to tell him that I am an independent person who has a life of her own, and that I would always support him through thick and thin. Instead, after we had just spent a lovely weekend together, he blindsided me with a breakup message outlining his anguish at not being able to change his lifestyle in order to build a future with me. Even though he broke my heart, I was still kind in my message back to him and I told him that I would respect his decision. I even told him that I hoped he wouldn’t give up on ever being in a relationship because he deserved love. I also told him that I couldn’t be his friend or stay in contact because it would be too painful for me as I would always want more—and six months later there is still radio silence between us. That is why I am here writing to the void that is the internet rather than writing to him. It is all because I am still in love with a man who cannot be with me. I have done all the things they tell you to do—cry, talk with friends, talk with a therapist, exercise and lose weight, get new hobbies, and throw myself into my work. I even tried dating again and every single guy wanted a second date with me. But I kept turning every one of them down. I know I have convinced my family and friends that I am over him—hell; when I tried dating again I briefly convinced myself that I was over him. That was until I realized that I felt nothing with each guy. That and the thought of kissing or holding any one of them repulsed me because of one major flaw—none of them were him. I wish I could tell him just how much I love him, want to be with him, and do anything I could to make him happy. However, he made it clear that he was the one who needed to change and not me. He said the breakup had nothing to do with me. The proverbial ball is in his court and ultimately he has to be the one who wants us to work. Until then, I suppose I will wait—either for him to come back or for my heart to fully and completely let him go. I guess I am looking for any advice from those who have gone through this. I know that time and focusing on bettering yourself are the big talking points and yet none of that seems to work. My heart still sees him as the one despite all of the hard work I have done to try and get over him.
FMW Posted September 30, 2018 Posted September 30, 2018 The issue is that you haven't 100% accepted that it's over. As long as you have any inkling of hope that you'll be together again you won't heal, you won't get over him. As to how to reach full acceptance, I'm not sure. It's different for each person. The obvious suggestion is a cliche, but very true - if he wanted to be with you he would reach out to you. Your reaction to that is probably reasoning it away, thinking of all the reasons why he's NOT contacted you but still might want you back. But reaching acceptance will mean acknowledging painful truths. The reward is finally moving on to finding happiness again. 2
BC1980 Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 When is the last time you talked to him? Do you follow him on social media?
Author LonelyHearted Posted October 1, 2018 Author Posted October 1, 2018 The last time we communicated was about three months ago. He said that he was focusing on work and fixing up his house. Basically, things were just as crazy with his work schedule and all of the traveling. He congratulated me on my new job and was warm with his response. I unfriended him on Facebook as that was recommended to me to help move on. I gave him a heads up that I was doing that for me. The last time I looked at his profile he was listed as single and by all accounts was telling the truth about being overwhelmed. There was no third party or rebound girl.
Author LonelyHearted Posted October 2, 2018 Author Posted October 2, 2018 I agree that I need to let go of that last bit of hope. I know that is what is holding me back. Logically--I get it and am on board. Just need my heart to catch up with my head.
FMW Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 I totally get it. But unless you want to be in the same position in another 6 months, be intent on reaching acceptance. Don't have any contact with him, don't seek out information about him, don't look at his social networking sites. Don't look at pictures or any other mementos that remind you of him. As much as practical, purge him from your life. 1
BC1980 Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 The last time we communicated was about three months ago. He said that he was focusing on work and fixing up his house. Basically, things were just as crazy with his work schedule and all of the traveling. He congratulated me on my new job and was warm with his response. I unfriended him on Facebook as that was recommended to me to help move on. I gave him a heads up that I was doing that for me. The last time I looked at his profile he was listed as single and by all accounts was telling the truth about being overwhelmed. There was no third party or rebound girl. So really it's been 3 months. Anytime you look at his social media, you are setting yourself back.
progprof2011 Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 I could have written your original post. I experienced pretty much the same thing, except I got the disappearing act instead of the breakup text. OK, where to begin. First of all, my heart goes out to you- it's awful to know that a relationship was pretty damn good, and working, but was derailed by outside forces (his work). It sounds like you were a loving, accepting partner, and that shows you are capable of nurturing a healthy relationship. HOWEVER, having said that, if he can't or isn't willing to change that lifestyle to accommodate a relationship, that's on him. I think he actually told you that, so he does possess at least that much self-awareness, but lacks the ability or desire to act on it. So, how do we get over it? I don't think we ever fully do get over someone, to be honest. But we do learn to find happiness elsewhere- whether it's within ourselves, or with someone else. It sounds like you're doing everything right to help yourself- except for social media. I would cut that out completely. In addition, six months is not a long time to recover from the end of a relationship. I'm at one year, and I'm still not completely over it, and I'm just at the very beginning of dating again (I took the year off, because I felt just like you did when I did go on dates). I think showing a little compassion for yourself would help. It's six months after, and you're still hurting. And do you know what? That's perfectly normal. You don't have to pretend to be over him, and you don't have to pressure yourself for not being over him. The most frustrating advice is perhaps "it just takes time." We all know that already, but we also know it's true. Furthermore, please stop checking his social media. I know the temptation- but I've successfully resisted it for a year now, and I'm sure you can, too. It has helped me tremendously. When I'm tempted with questions- "Is he dating someone? Is his business doing OK? Is he OK?" I tell myself it doesn't really matter- what's important is to turn those questions to focus on ME. Am I doing OK? How is MY work life? Am I achieving my goals? Am I unhappy? If I am unhappy, what will it take to improve that? Socializing? A trip? Working towards a goal? I know I'm rambling a bit, but I hope something in there will help you.
Chilli Posted October 4, 2018 Posted October 4, 2018 How would you expect to be over someone you loved in 6 mths ? And what you've even dated in that time too, wtf, why ? lf you guys have houses you must be old enough to know that's pretty pointless it's gonna take awhile yet if you truly loved him it won't just go away in 6mths . Try a year , two . be good to you and give it time.
Author LonelyHearted Posted October 4, 2018 Author Posted October 4, 2018 Thank you all so much for your responses. I deeply appreciate it. He was my first real love and the breakup happened just before my 30th birthday. I imagined building a life with him and his words and actions all indicated that his heart was in the same place until the sudden breakup. And even in the breakup letter he said that he daydreamed about our future everyday, but felt like he would never be home enough to be a good husband and father. This has given me a lot to think about and I wholeheartedly agree that acceptance is the final stage I need to complete and that I am not 100% there yet. Until then, I will resist the urge to check his social media. I already mailed back his things and stored away any momentos in a box in the closet. Thanks again. I’m glad I found this forum.
BC1980 Posted October 4, 2018 Posted October 4, 2018 It's not so much the length of the relationship but the meaning you attached to the relationship. If you saw a future, it's going to be harder to get over.
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