Snooped

[Mr.Me]

I’m not usually the type of guy to do such things. My girlfriend left her email account opened and I looked through the stuff saved in google photos.

Basically I saw some stuff I didn’t really want to see with ex’s and dates and sexting and stuff. Now I’m pretty weirded out. I don’t know how to feel. Logic tells me we weren’t together so I shouldn’t be inflamed while my emotions are something around intrigued and disgusted. Serves me right I suppose but if the dates were right, she slept with her ex husband while we were still in the early dating phases and it bothers me a little bit even though we weren’t a thing at that point.

Should I forget it or somehow spill the beans and and ask questions hoping to get honest answers?

[Cersei]

No forget that you ever snooped.

I think it's a bad idea to admit to that.

[Ami1uwant]

If I was to,d my SO did this I would be extremely hurt. Because they told me they did this I’d probably for give them. But trust is list and would need to be regained.

[smackie9]

If I was dating someone new, I wouldn't be holdin onto old texts and crap from my ex or other guys I was seeing. Just me, but the relationship ends, everything gets tossed. IMO it says something about her. Tread with caution.

[luvflower]

OP, how long have you and your girlfriend been “an item “?

 

The fact that you felt the need to go into her emails makes a statement as well. Has your gut been telling you that something wasn’t quite right?

 

I ask because you said that, typically you’re not the type to go snooping...

 

For me, even if I’m with a guy and his email is open right in front of me, I won’t touch it. I just feel like when I feel the need to snoop that’s a sign that I may need to not be in the relationship. That’s just me.

[FMW]

I agree with Smackie and luvflower - I would be bothered that she was hanging on to old photos and emails/texts with other men. The fact that you snooped, although against your character, means you were feeling something might be off.

 

I wouldn't admit to snooping or ask her about what you found, I'm not sure what she could say that would make you feel better about it.

 

Just keep your eyes open and pay attention to any other flags.

[Mr.Me]

To be real fair she not real good at anything technology so the likely hood of these pics in her google photos back up and deleting them from her phone she probably just didn’t realize they are still there.

I guess the conflict in my head is because she has given me some grief about being uncomfortable with my past. Specifically because I was real casual with her and one other girl at the same time and she voices she feels like I’m hiding that or downplaying the level of serious there. Ultimately, I chose to be serious with this one because she has many more things I’ve looked for. She super pretty super sexual and I have a hard time accepting that she wasn’t playing “the field” herself. Snooping got my feelings about that confirmed but now I kinda wish those would just be deleted as I’ve accepted it. I’m not a real possessive or jealous in relationships in general I just feel like now, I’m not getting the whole truth and nothing but the truth but I also understand that memories fade and feelings subside and we humans don’t always remember everything just exactly the way it went down.

Example, she may at all remember the night her ex husband recorderd themselves having sex sometime whenever we’re just talking and learning about each other.

Yep, I have trust issues. I’m very aware. It’s because I know and fully realize humans in general have a flawed memory simply because it’s how our brains work. Everyone does it, including myself. Specifically like right now, asking a question to total strangers for advice and insight when I’ve told her I never have or would.

Relationships and an adult is so hard and confusing.

[luvflower]

Mr. Me- you may be having a breakthrough, in the middle of this breakdown in communication ...with yourself and your girlfriend.

 

In one sentence you say you’re not the jealous type. Then in another paragraph you say that you admit you have trust issues. IMO, trust issues create jealousy.

 

Firstly, to be very honest I think all humans at some point feel a tad bit of jealousy. We just don’t all act on it. Your acting on it by going into her email not only displays a bit of jealousy, but it displays the fact that there’s something eating at you that could be valid. These things have to be nuanced. Meaning, we can’t give you a cut and dry answer.

 

The best way in my opinion is to address this head on if ANYTHING else happens that puts you at pause. If this festers, it’s going to make everything 10 times worse and I’m not sure how you handle unspoken emotion or anger. Everybody deserves the benefit of the doubt once. However, things happen for a reason when they happen repeatedly IN YOUR FACE.

 

Don’t let the fact that a woman is super pretty and sexual, blur our decision making process. You’re human, so this is why I’m saying that. Sex and visuals can make decision making difficult for many of us. Keep your third eye open and just think about your own actions as well that may contribute to you feeling some type of way. (Have you been completely loyal? Does she have a history of cheating , that you’re aware of?)

[Veronica73]

I agree with you that relationships as an adult can be so hard and confusing.

 

I think for me, it brings up vulnerabilities and soft spots that never get exposed when I’m on my own. Like they are there, but I don’t really realize they are, and then once I’m with someone else, I don’t have total control over my own life and old hurts and vulnerabilities get brought to the forefront.

 

I guess I would say.... I mean, if I had pictures/videos of me and an ex having sex I’d get rid of it. But that’s the way I am. I’m paranoid about visual records of my sexual activity getting out. But I know I wouldn’t keep it all cleaned out otherwise. Cloud storage is such nowadays that so far, I have seen no need to go through the work of going through all that old crap and trashing all the stuff I am no longer interested in. It’s easier to just ignore it. I think I have over 10,000 messages in my inbox. It’s not because I’m saving it for any reason. I’m lazy about getting rid of digital garbage.

 

But I get what you are saying- that she has made an issue about you seeing somebody else when you were first seeing each other, and now it turns out she was as well. And maybe she forgot about that. Or maybe she felt it was okay because you were seeing somebody else. Or whatever. I don’t know... This wasn’t very helpful, was it?

[Mr.Me]

My trust issues don’t stem from jealousy. They stem being severely screwed over and devastated I my marriage. Its a long story in itself but just know I lost everything when I walked away from a cheating wife. I left everything and remained homeless for a while just to be able to start over. I guess I’m going to break it off with her and be done with it all.

[Veronica73]

My trust issues don’t stem from jealousy. They stem being severely screwed over and devastated I my marriage. Its a long story in itself but just know I lost everything when I walked away from a cheating wife. I left everything and remained homeless for a while just to be able to start over. I guess I’m going to break it off with her and be done with it all.

 

I think you are being rash. But I don’t know the whole story.

[luvflower]

I agree with the previous poster that you’re being rash. I don’t think it’s productive to just break up w/someone so fast just because you’re uncomfortable. Trust me, I’m still learning this as well.

 

At least be fair and discuss it briefly with her to see if she gets super defensive. Remember you both were seeing other people at first so I’m almost confused about why this is such a big deal to the point of BREAKING UP. She complained about your behavior , you now have a basis to complain about hers... not even to be petty, but just as a matter of circumstance.

[kendahke]

Logic tells me we weren’t together so I shouldn’t be inflamed while my emotions are something around intrigued and disgusted. Serves me right I suppose but if the dates were right, she slept with her ex husband while we were still in the early dating phases and it bothers me a little bit even though we weren’t a thing at that point

What made you snoop? What did you need to have proved right?

 

Yeah, she kind of had a life before you happened on the scene. Involved another guy, too. How 'bout that...

 

Question is: was she doing this once you two agreed to become a couple?

 

If so, then you've got a problem.

 

If not, then you can be as mad as you want, but she was free to do this. Bad form that she hasn't deleted yet? Yes, but depending upon how long you two have been officially involved and IF you are exclusive, while it may sting to know she'd been living her life, the fact remains: she's been living her life up until you showed up.

[guest569]

So she had a life before you came along. Has some photos and texts that she hasn't deleted (why must she? I don't see what is so bad about this? I still have photos of all my exes. I'm not planning to delete them, ever. It's in her personal account anyway, not like they're on the mantlepiece). The texts indicate that maybe she is hung up on her past, but if this is some back up texts of a non tech savvy woman then I really wouldn't be so concerned.

 

If she was sleeping with her ex husband when you two were in a relationship then it's a huge issue. But it seems like it was prior. I feel like you're just letting your past dictate your future and breaking up for no reason.

[Highndry]

So she had a life before you came along. Has some photos and texts that she hasn't deleted (why must she? I don't see what is so bad about this? I still have photos of all my exes. I'm not planning to delete them, ever. It's in her personal account anyway, not like they're on the mantlepiece). The texts indicate that maybe she is hung up on her past, but if this is some back up texts of a non tech savvy woman then I really wouldn't be so concerned.

 

If she was sleeping with her ex husband when you two were in a relationship then it's a huge issue. But it seems like it was prior. I feel like you're just letting your past dictate your future and breaking up for no reason.

 

 

He indicated it was early on when he and she were more casual than exclusive. But the fact of the matter is that no guy likes to find out that the woman he's seeing was sleeping with another man at the same time he was sleeping with her. It's just not a good thing, and very hard to reconcile.

[Mr.Me]

Perhaps a break up is irrational. I guess it’s the whole trusting someone that bothers me the most. I suppose I only snooped to prove to myself she dated around some before me. We’ve talked about it lots of times before and we are both open and honest with each other so I knew there was a past already. I’m not sure why I needed confirmation of the things she has told me and things she hasn’t told me. I suppose there is a degree of my own brain bias reading into the situation much more there actually is/was. I don’t feel like she owes me something like an explanation either.

 

I’ve never felt like this with a women before. In previous relationships, I’ve had only four in my 45 years of age, I’ve always been something between aloof and barely cared much. Even in my marriage, the wife was just someone I could tolerate day to day. It didn’t really matter if she came or went. That’s why it was easy to leave and walk away without a second thought. This one is way different though. I find my self a little jealous that our intimate times aren’t just ours and special for example. That I’m not the only one she’s cuddled with, slept naked next too, laughed with, stayed up all night with, etc. I feel something kinda like possessive in a way. Like she’s mine and I’m protective of her. Past and future. I find that I actually WANT her around all the time instead of just when it works out easily. There’s really a whole host of new feelings I’ve never had before and I don’t really know what to do with them all. I’m nearly infatuated with her.

 

I really don’t think these photos are still saved on purpose. I’m guessing she just hasn’t went through the few thousand she has in there. The vast majority are her kids, family, freinds, vacations, internet memes, a couple of screen shots and maybe a half dozen of the ones with past relationships of any sort. The one that bothers me the most is a sex recording with her Ex husband. Oral if it matters at all. We weren’t together or dating or anything. We had met though. I was still fresh out of a separation and still homeless at the time we met. She didn’t know until a year later I was homeless. We didn’t begin to date until 4 years later when i caught feelings. She admits she always had an interest but didn’t persue it. i can’t seem to unsee it in my head and I don’t know why I feel this way about it either. Beyond that, there’s just a few nude pics I assume she has sent to others. A few I remember she has sent to me prior to us being an actual excusive couple between I’m not mad or anything. I don’t think I would have with any other of the people I dated including when I found out the Ex wife was cheating. I wasn’t even terribly upset. I was very disconnected with it actually. I didn’t want to put up with it and so I left. Easy Peasy.

This one isn’t like that. I feel like perhaps I’m looking for a reason to just get out of the relationship because I don’t know what to do with these feelings. I don’t know I even like them. They are so out of my comfort zone.

I think I can basically sum it up by saying I know she dated a little bit. Probably flirted more than that. It confuses me as too why this perfectly normal activity of a pretty, smart and funny girl would normally do, and here I am suddenly caring about all this 10 months in exclusivity. Am I really just looking for the first little thing to come up so I can turn tail and run? I should probably figure that out and let her privacy be just that.

[Veronica73]

I don’t know what you’re going through. But what you’ve expressed has resonated with me quite a bit. And I just really, really think you shouldn’t just break up with her. She might be really special to you, and that might be scary. Anyway, that’s just what I think, filtering what you’ve said, through my own experiences. I really, really think you should not be rash or overreact and just break up with her when you are feeling emotional or insecure or upset or whatever.

 

(Edit) I have done this-break up with someone because I was feeling really vulnerable and sh*t, when I’m used to being totally in control and cool, and it has always turned out to be a very, very bad decision. Not saying that that’s the state you’re in... but I’m just saying. Sometimes when things are upsetting and uncomfortable it is showing you where you need to grow as a person, or take risks. Sometimes taking risks is a good thing.

Edited October 1, 2018 by Veronica73

[luvflower]

I agree a lot with you Mr. Me and with the previous poster... and with what I posted earlier... I couldn’t sleep so I’m up tossing and turning about my own relationship stuff and work. My sleep suffers when I have a lot on my mind and/or heart.

 

Hopefully you’ve been able to take away some good stuff from this thread you’ve started. It’s a dynamic topic in that this may just be a true test of your own personal growth. Of course neither of you is perfect, but if she’s clueless about what you’re feeling, then it’s so not fair to just walk away from the relationship. I think we’ve all done that before for similar reasons, being uncomfortable.

 

You sound kind of like the guy I’m seeing. We’ve been seeing each other but we haven’t discussed being exclusive per se, IMO. In so many words one could assume that we are but I don’t like to assume. I also don’t feel like bringing the topic up and appearing needy, if that makes sense.

 

I say you sound like the guy I’m “seeing” because I guess many guys are like him. I can sense he wants more from me but he’s not the aggressive type. I can be VERY hard to read from what he says so I feel like I need a man to be more forthright with me, because I’m not an actress woman. I’m mild mannered and yes I’ve dated a few guys recently around the time of seeing my guy, but it stems from being unclear of what this guy wants from me and just ...life.

 

You sound like you really dig this woman though, so I encourage you to be more transparent with her. A good will appreciate and respect you for your transparency. Plus, if she’s anything like me and it sounds like she is(sensual/sexual/feminine/aloof) she will be turned on by you being direct in telling her what you want from her ... and HOW!

 

I really hope things work out.

[RedHead5]

OP, you said that one of the reasons you picked her was because she was more sexual and now you want to dump her because you found sexual pics on her private a count.

 

I would not mention ever seeing it and try to get over it. Take this knowledge to be aware of potential issues but you have got to get those images out of your mind. It was a bad decision to look through her account. But it's done now, move forward.

 

If you guys weren't exclusive and she was messing around with her ex, so what? Maybe it was convenient. As long as she stopped when you became exclusive, it's actually not your business.

 

As far as not deleting things, if it's on the cloud as backup and she doesn't realize it then you really unnecessarily complicated things by looking through her account. If she still has them in her phone, that's a little worse but I will say I do still have a video floating on the cloud somewhere that I never took the time to find and delete.

 

I don't know how long you guys have been together but I would say it was 2 months or so before I finally went and deleted old texts from people I was dating before I met the bf/was exclusive. I did continue to see one guy casually until about 3 weeks in. It was gradual, like I would see something and thought, I don't really need that anymore. And slowly cleaned things out.

 

If you want a sexual girl, you need to respect that you weren't the only person she has been this way with. As long as she isn't cheating on you her past is not your business if you can't handle it. If you can't handle it then you need to stay out of it.

[smackie9]

OP did you wait for opportunity to look at her phone? or you saw an opportunity to look at her phone? and what was the driving force behind it? truthfully....

[Mr.Me]

Thanks for the insight and opinions. You guys and gals are making a lot of sense. In this day and age of most things digital, well lets just say I remember the days before the internet and tend to enjoy the benefits of technology however this whole dating thing has taken an entirely different paradigm and the fact that anyone one I'm likely to date will have a past, present and future, I think it's best to live in the here and now and build our memories together, one or two at a time. For me, I think it's going to to best to let it go and make sure that I am unforgettable in her eyes and see how that works out in the future.

 

Eventually I'll forget it and not wonder about it all and if this is really a forever person, it won't matter anyway. If for some reason she isn't, it still wont matter. Haha!

[guest569]

Yeah I really can't wrap my head around why anyone would be jealous of their partners exes and the fact they're not their first sexual partner. But seeing that video would make things difficult. Why even go there though.. Sheesh. Also a double standard assuming you're not a virgin that has never dated before her. Yep live in the here and now. She chose you.