Was it real? What is MM thinking?

[ally3278]

I'm new to the board, and today I could really use some insight into how a MM thinks and feels. Quick summary of my situation: I'm a newlywed. About two years ago now, I befriended a man through work who was around my age (early 30s) and already married. I wasn't married at the time, though I was already in a long-term relationship with the man I eventually married, who is a good man. But I immediately felt a connection with this MM, and we quickly became friends. About a year ago, right before I was to get married and move away from the city for about 8 months due to work, MM confessed to having feelings for me. He said that meeting me had made him question other decisions he’d made in his life. Said that having me around was “like having a room in his house that he couldn’t go into.” Said that he missed me when he didn’t see me, wanted to call me at 11 p.m. just to see what I was up to. I was sort of surprised by this confession. For my part, I'd definitely been dealing with some crush-like feelings of my own, but I absolutely NEVER thought it was mutual or that we'd actually have a conversation about it. It was all sort of awkward and sad, and it definitely drew me in emotionally. Then again, I was also sort of angry--what did he really expect me to do with this information, a month before I was to marry someone else?

 

About six months ago, I moved back to the city I'd left. Although we hadn’t seen each other or communicated very much while I’d been away, that emotional intensity was still there when I saw him again. More talking ensued--and he again admitted to mixed feelings about his decisions (his marriage), admitted to missing me, admitted to lots of things. I was hooked. I felt simultaneously burdened and thrilled by this big secret emotional thing. Unfortunately, I started to become a little too dependent on it--wanting that closeness, being agitated when MM would act like we were “just friends.” He often ran hot and cold--confessing to things, and then withdrawing. I’m not sure what I was hoping would happen--nothing remotely physical ever occurred, we never talked about any sort of future—but it became a situation that I somehow got into too deeply and couldn’t get out of. So a couple of months ago, I initiated no contact--it was just getting too hard to hear what he was saying and have him in my life that way. I was getting confused and mixed up.

 

He definitely didn’t want NC--and he tried a couple of times to contact me, even though I’m not sure what I was offering him by that point--by that time, I was often upset and confused when I was around him. A few weeks ago, I found out through a mutual friend that his wife is pregnant, which was tough news to take. I doubt he’ll be contacting me now. It was sort of like a big reality check on the whole thing, and a very abrupt ending.

 

Anyway, I’m just left with a lot of questions. Did MM really feel that way about me? Did I make this all up? Is he a liar? A coward? What was his intent? Why would he put years of time and effort into our “relationship”--especially since there was no sexual element? I never got explanations as to why he “emoted” to me to the extent that he did. Maybe I’m just being naïve, but I could really use some help getting out of this fog. I’m driving myself crazy trying to come up with answers to my own questions. Any insights would be so much appreciated. Thanks.

[Mz. Pixie]

What difference does that make now that you're married???? Unless you're still hung up on this guy? I'm thinking he eventually thought it would lead to sex, he got a thrill from the relationship as well and he wanted to be a cakeman. Any questions for what that is google it.

 

I've been in your shoes, I was a OW at one time. I gotta tell you, I've divorced and married again since then and I do not spend time analyzing my affair. He still contacts me from time to time as friends only, and to be honest with you, the subject of that once mistake we made doesn't really come up other than to talk about how it was a mistake on both of our parts.

I'd really be analyzing why this still bothers you.........

[ally3278]

I'm still bothered, I think, because I got sucked in and actually developed feelings for him that now I can't get rid of. I'm just having trouble letting go of everything he told me. I think I started to believe it and buy into it, and it just started to mess with my head. I guess I just want to know the truth, even though I doubt it will make me feel any better. Either way, I feel bad. If he didn't mean what he said, I feel stupid and used. Even if he did mean it, it's useless knowledge anyway and just leads to heartache.

 

I blame myself for giving him the opportunity to say what he said. If I had been stronger and had not allowed later conversations (after I knew what they would be about), I could have protected myself. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

[Merin]

While you wonder if MM meant anything he said I would encourage you to think about your words to your own Husband... did you mean what you've said to him? When you got married and took vows, did you mean them?

 

IMO MM and yourself got tangled up in an emotional affair, in some ways you obviously did hope it might go further but it didn't... now that his Wife is pregnant it is a reality check for you in knowing he did and does have a sexual relationship as well as emotional relationship with his Wife, hard pill to swallow when you've convinced yourself otherwise.

 

To get back to did he mean what he said to you... well if actions speak louder than words, than I would assume you already know the answer to that.

 

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. Did MM really feel that way about me?

2. Did I make this all up?

3. Is he a liar?

4. A coward?

5. What was his intent?

6. Why would he put years of time and effort into our “relationship”--especially since there was no sexual element?

7. I never got explanations as to why he “emoted” to me to the extent that he did.

 

1. I'm sure at the time he did. You also have to accept that just as he was ambivalent in his show of emotions, he was doing the same thing to his W. I'm sure he loves her in the way that a man loves his W, and loved you the way that he loves an OW. Different types of loves. Neither can replace the other, and often a man wants both when given the opportunity to experience that. He was no doubt struggling with the fact that he had two loves like that to begin with when society tells him he shouldn't - hence the 'hot and cold'.

2. Even though I'm sure he felt that way about you, it wasn't the type of love that is sustaining in the same way that his love for his W is. With the W, there is the addition of security, legacy, longevity, etc. With you, it was passion, and deep emotion - but passion wanes. Family ties rarely do. He may not be as satisfied now that he has lost the type of love he had with you, but in order to keep what he had - he had to let you go. My guess is that he'll find another OW in time if he allows his 'voids' inside to continue.

3. He was no doubt truthful in his emotional state, but the situation neccesitates a good deal of lying to sustain that. So, it was a truthful emotion buried in a relationship that could only happen through deception.

4. A coward? Not so much a coward as a man who apparently jumped off the fence, and not in your favor. Whether or not that was cowardice depends on whose perspective it is seen from.

5. His intent? To explore the full extent of his emotional capacity with two women.

6. Because you filled some sort of void that he, for whatever reason allowed to form in his relationship with his W. He shut his W out of that void, and it was his perception at the time that you were the perfect fit for it. His guilt and shame over it, however appears to have won over any intent he had at pushing it any further. Perhaps with a kid on the way, he feels that it is time to shut those voids out (at least for the time being - there's no telling if he will allow them to form again - he may well have decided that he wants to put full effort in his family, even at the expense of his passion.)

7. What explanation would you want to hear? That he fell in love with you, and left you anyway? Sometimes the explanations can be devastating.

[ally3278]

LB, thanks for your considered response. I really appreciate it. I think what you wrote makes a lot of sense, and I think I'll be re-reading it for a while, to pound it into my head. I think I just needed to see those answers written down. I was the one who initiated NC in the first place, so I can't be upset when he actually respects my request.

 

But if I know all of this, and understand why this is happening, and believe that continued contact would be worse than no contact, then WHY can't I get past it? What's wrong with me?

[LucreziaBorgia]

WHY can't I get past it? What's wrong with me?

 

There is nothing wrong with you. You have a heart capable of love, and sometimes love can't tell right from wrong when it comes to logic and what is best for us in the long run.

 

On top of that you have hope and wishful thinking. You let go at a time where both of those were still kicking you hard in the heart. The thing about hope and wishful thinking, is that when you let go - those possibilities you thought you saw don't just go away. In your heart, you still hold on to those possibilities even as your brain tells you that it can never happen.

 

You have an idealized version of an alternate 'life' with this guy that flies in the face of all logic and common sense. That is understandable. While it may have been painful, you were able to go to 'no contact'. Letting go of MM was the easy part. Letting go of what you thought you could have with him is the hard part. Tangible things come and go, but that intangible 'what could have been' will plague you and tear you apart.

 

With time, hopefully that will fade and you'll find it in yourself to really consider doing what is right for you outside of the context of the MM. It will take time, though and a boatload of painful patience.

[ally3278]

I think that wishful thinking and practical logic are almost completely balanced in my mind when it comes to this. Both seem to exist simultaneously. At the same time that I wish he would, I don't know, call me up and tell me that he can't live without me, I know logically that that would be about the worst thing he could do. And so I just go back and forth, hoping for something and then telling myself to stop it.

 

I drive myself crazy wondering how HE could have said all those things and remained calm and sane, while I heard all those things and gradually went into emotional overdrive.

 

Sometimes I wish he would do something completely inappropriate (although I know that the fact that we had those conversations was inappropriate)--just something completely over the line--so that I could be angry. The fact that we are both, I think, trying to do the right thing, just makes it sad. I don't want to be plagued with "what ifs" for the rest of my life, and I feel like that's what will happen.

 

Thanks again for your insight. I don't have anyone to ask about this.