He ended the 3-year LDR. Meeting up as friends..***Updated***

[babybrowns]

So after about 3 years, my partner who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, ended our relationship. His reason was that we were arguing too much. He has made it absolutely clear that he does not want us to be together.

 

We are trying to be friends and we recently did our first weekend as ‘just friends’ since the breakup, after not seeing each other for 2 months. I found this weekend difficult. I have never hung out with an ‘ex’ like this before, and that coupled with how easy it all seemed for him made it quite upsetting for me. There were times that I had to leave the table at dinner, to let my tears flow in the restroom.

 

I am normally a very touchy-feely, affectionate person and knowing I can’t do all of that anymore with this person I love so much, is difficult for me. He does say that he still has feelings for me however and that it is ‘not easy for him either’. But I do feel that I am the one who is suffering more when we see each other.

 

It is my birthday soon and upon me asking him, he is planning on coming down to celebrate it with me, staying at a hotel for the weekend, but I am worried I will get upset again since it’ll be the first birthday that I can’t give him a birthday kiss. He has made it clear that he 100% does not want to be with me and it will hurt.

 

However I don’t want to get rid of the friendship, since I do want some hope that we will get back together. There doesn’t seem to be any if we cut each other off entirely.

 

Would anyone have any advice/experience to guide me on this?

 

Thank you

[BaileyB]

So after about 3 years, my partner who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, ended our relationship. He has made it absolutely clear that he does not want us to be together.

 

We are trying to be friends and we recently did our first weekend as ‘just friends’ since the breakup, after not seeing each other for 2 months. I found this weekend difficult. I have never hung out with an ‘ex’ like this before, and that coupled with how easy it all seemed for him made it quite upsetting for me.

 

Whoa! I thought last we talked you were going to send him packing because he was dismissive of your feelings and treating you badly during/after a holiday gone array - a holiday during which he invited his parents and you were very upset.

 

What has changed? Now you say, he has ended it with you? Meaning, you didn't actually end it with him?

 

There is a reason why ex's go no contact and don't have contact after the relationship ends - because it's too painful and it can be unhealthy.

 

I will say it again... Why are you so intent in hanging onto this relationship? He has "made it absolutely clear that he 100% does not want you to be together" but you say "you want some hope that you will get back together." Do you appreciate how unhealthy that sounds?

 

Again, you need to get yourself some counselling to figure out why you can't let this go... You need to work on your self worth and your self esteem... And, you need to learn how to establish some healthy boundaries in relationships.

 

I'm sorry for the tough love, but this is so unhealthy for you. And, by hanging on to this relationship, you are missing out on your opportunity to find a man who will love you and treat you well.

Edited September 29, 2018 by BaileyB

[preraph]

You can't go straight from in love to being friends with him. You need to explain to him on this birthday you invited him to that will ruin your birthday for you that you need to go no contact for a few months or long enough to get past it and start feeling like dating other people. You can't be friends if one of you is still wanting to be more. You have to wait until you are over him that way.

 

Sometimes soon, he's going to be dating other women. You don't want to be his friend while he does that.

[babybrowns]

Whoa! I thought last we talked you were going to send him packing because he was dismissive of your feelings and treating you badly during/after a holiday gone array - a holiday during which he invited his parents and you were very upset.

 

What has changed? Now you say, he has ended it with you? Meaning, you didn't actually end it with him?

 

There is a reason why ex's go no contact and don't have contact after the relationship ends - because it's too painful and it can be unhealthy.

 

I will say it again... Why are you so intent in hanging onto this relationship? He has "made it absolutely clear that he 100% does not want you to be together" but you say "you want some hope that you will get back together." Do you appreciate how unhealthy that sounds?

 

Again, you need to get yourself some counselling to figure out why you can't let this go... You need to work on your self worth and your self esteem... And, you need to learn how to establish some healthy boundaries in relationships.

 

I'm sorry for the tough love, but this is so unhealthy for you. And, by hanging on to this relationship, you are missing out on your opportunity to find a man who will love you and treat you well.

 

Thanks for this. In truth I just cannot imagine my life without him. That is why I could not let him go. And while he retains some feelings for me, I want to keep meeting him. A bit like, ‘paint the roof while the sun is shining’. I don’t want to go a few months without contact because I fear that I might not see him again if that happens. It is just very, very painful to hang out with him while he does not want to be with me, does not want to hold hands, wants to stay in separate hotels, etc. But it is a sacrifice I have to make if I want him to be in my life. I will try it for a few months and if he still does not want to be with me at that point, I’ll let it go.

Edited September 30, 2018 by babybrowns

[preraph]

If you keep being friends with him while he's having sex with other women, he'll have absolutely no reason to miss you. That way, he gets both of you. If you stop contact, he will either begin to miss you compared with other women or he won't. But as you said, he's been very clear he doesn't want to be together. It's going to hurt like crazy when he starts seeing other women, which is probably why he broke up, so that he could. At some point, a girlfriend will not allow him to keep up contact with you. It's going to be insult to injury over and over if you stay in this.

 

You must start dating other guys right away and going out with girlfriends and making a new life for yourself.

[BaileyB]

It's going to hurt like hell when he starts dating other women, if he hasn't already.

 

That is probably a big part of the reason why he told you that he didn't want to date you anymore. I know it's hard, but you have to let it go.

 

There is nothing to hold on to... He has told you that he doesn't want to be with you anymore. Best to focus your energy on people who do...

[basil67]

Babybrowns, I know it will hurt to cut him off....but you're in for a whole other level of pain if you don't do it. Be kind to yourself and rip that sticking plaster off quickly.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

You can't go straight from in love to being friends with him. You need to explain to him on this birthday you invited him to that will ruin your birthday for you that you need to go no contact for a few months or long enough to get past it and start feeling like dating other people. You can't be friends if one of you is still wanting to be more. You have to wait until you are over him that way.

Sometimes soon, he's going to be dating other women. You don't want to be his friend while he does that.

 

 

Exactly! I never stayed friends w/my ex, that would be way too hard for me. He is trying to have you w/out strings attached. NC will help you heal, not hanging out w/your ex as "friends". That is a terrible idea and I would tell him that. If you stay friends, you prob will never get over him. Plus he doesn't want you in his life, why stay in it?

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you are setting yourself up for a hurricane of pain.

 

You two cannot and should not be hanging out as friends right now, and particularly not having weekends together. This is you trying to hang on to false hope, when he's been clear that it's over.

 

It's going to be horrible for you when he starts dating someone else and you were still trying to make a relationship happen. That's what your future holds. You don't want to imagine life without him, and I get that it seems un-doable now, but you won't have a choice. He is going to move on and where will that you leave you, my friend?

[Chilli]

Yep go with italy.

And it's crazy stuff forcing this onto yourself that's just not how this is meant to be now.

lt's unnatural now and sorry to say but your only setting yourself up for more pain trying to make it all normal.

[babybrowns]

Hello everyone,

 

My ex boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me 3 months ago. Our entire relationship was long distance, we would see each other for 1 weekend every 3 weeks. I was his longest and most serious relationship and he was mine.

 

His reasons for breaking up were that we were arguing too much in the last few months of the relationship. I do want us to give things another go, but he doesn't. He said though that he has been quite unhappy since the breakup.

 

Immediately after the breakup I went NC for 5 weeks, and then we met up. We have met up twice as friends since he broke up, spending 2 weekends together but not sleeping in the same place, and both meetups were initiated by me. Neither of us have ever been friends with an ex before so it is a little strange for both of us to see each other. He has also been quite selective about where we can meet up, declining a couple of my suggestions because they were "places we had planned to go as a couple" and that it would "remind him of what we had".

 

These meetups have had good and bad parts: they start off well but then he brings up the past over dinner, and then we start having a disagreement about why it all went wrong and start arguing. Due to these arguments, he does not want us to keep meeting up, but I managed to persuade him to do another weekend with me which we are doing in a few weeks' time.

 

I really don't want us to talk about the past but he just says it "can't be helped". He also says that we still argue so much because we "still have such strong feelings for each other". My partner also told me last weekend, when we met up, that he is "unhappy that we are not together" but that it "can't work".

 

I would like advice please, on what to do during a meet up with him that will help things to go a bit more smoothly and ultimately make him want to give things another go? Since he wants to bring up the past often, despite my requests, my main aim is to stay away from any arguments whatsoever even if it means I have to swallow something that is an opposite point of view to his.

 

Thank you

Edited October 28, 2018 by babybrowns

[stillafool]

There aren't any special words that will make him want a second chance with you. All you can do is tell him you want him back and ask if that's a possibility. If he says yes, go for it but if he says no, move on with your life.

[babybrowns]

There aren't any special words that will make him want a second chance with you. All you can do is tell him you want him back and ask if that's a possibility. If he says yes, go for it but if he says no, move on with your life.

 

I wish it was that simple. I have tried that, actually it was the first time that we met up since the breakup that I broke down because I was so upset that we were not together anymore. This repelled him and made him not want to see me if I want him back. Thus unfortunately I have had to keep these feelings to myself. I guess I am just trying to do things to make him change his mind, while he still has feelings.

[d0nnivain]

What were you arguing about in those last months? Have those problems & sources of friction been resolved? If not, what are you going back to, the same thing that wasn't working?

 

After 3 years is there a plan to close the distance? Have you discussed implementing that or something like it, if the plan had been to move in together? going from an LDR straight to co-habitation is a bad plan. You need to date more conventionally at first

[ExpatInItaly]

These meetups have had good and bad parts: they start off well but then he brings up the past over dinner, and then we start having a disagreement about why it all went wrong and start arguing. Due to these arguments, he does not want us to keep meeting up, but I managed to persuade him to do another weekend with me which we are doing in a few weeks' time.

 

I really don't want us to talk about the past but he just says it "can't be helped". He also says that we still argue so much because we "still have such strong feelings for each other". My partner also told me last weekend, when we met up, that he is "unhappy that we are not together" but that it "can't work".

 

Girl. In kindness, where is your dignity?

 

He doesn't want to be with you, and you keep pushing it. He isn't your partner anymore, and he's been clear he doesn't want to get back together at this time. He claims he has "strong feelings" but his desire to not be with you is overriding his desire to reconcile. Listen to the overall message rather than the select sound-bytes.

 

When you have to campaign for someone to be with you, you are going after the wrong person. It's time to get your self-respect back and stop chasing after him and trying to make him spend time with you. This won't help your cause; all is does is make you look desperate, which is never good.

[Million.to.1]

You need to end this friendship. You should not meet him anymore. You should cancel the meet-up and go NC.

You are only causing yourself pain by trying to hold on to what's gone.

 

Accepting that it's over is hard, but you have to do it. Give yourself a break and allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship properly.

You either do it now, or keep up this friendship for however long and delay the inevitable which will be even more painful.

[babybrowns]

Thank you all for your replies so far. I know that going no contact is good but the thing is that, I don't want to wait until he has lost his feelings. I want to keep seeing him as long as he has those feelings. Then if it doesn't work it doesn't work, but at least I will not be left wondering "what if".

[stillafool]

So after about 3 years, my partner who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, ended our relationship. His reason was that we were arguing too much. He has made it absolutely clear that he does not want us to be together.

 

 

Doesn't this say he has lost his feelings if he made it clear he does not want you back?

[Blonde2002]

I just had a similar experience to you but mine was 9 years.

 

 

 

We build up friendships in our partners so you don't just lose a lover, you lose your best friend and person you love the most.

 

 

I guess all we can do is try to move on with our own lives, but it is so touch and painful

[ExpatInItaly]

Thank you all for your replies so far. I know that going no contact is good but the thing is that, I don't want to wait until he has lost his feelings. I want to keep seeing him as long as he has those feelings. Then if it doesn't work it doesn't work, but at least I will not be left wondering "what if".

 

That ship has already sailed, OP.

 

He might have some feelings for you, but they're already lacking enough that he doesn't want to be together anymore. You wouldn't be broken up otherwise, with him telling you more than once that there is no future.

[Mittens]

I had an ex who did the same to me...we split when I was still madly in love with him, he came back and said we could still meet up as 'friends'. It was pure torture for me. Like you, I refused to believe that he no longer felt the same way about me...that he would wake up one day and realize that he still loved me. I let the whole sorry situation drag on another 3 years after the break up...I'd try going no contact, wouldn't really stick to it, let him come back...ad nauseum.

 

I finally woke up when we met up after a period of about 3 months of no contact. He'd actually had a girlfriend during that time, and they'd stopped seeing each other about 2 weeks prior to us meeting again. He quite cheerfully told me how he'd gone and had sex with a female friend the very same day as their split...and how 'it would have been with you but we weren't speaking at the time'...it was a blow to the head which finally knocked some sense into me. He didn't care for me at all, beyond the ego boost I gave him, and the possibility of us having sex. I went full no contact from that minute and stuck to it. I met my now fiance six months later.

 

Stop beating a dead horse. Your relationship with this guy is over.