Was it real? What is MM thinking?

[ally3278]

I'm new to this board, but today I could really use some insight into how a MM thinks and feels. Quick summary of my situation: I'm a newlywed. About two years ago now, I befriended a man through work who was around my age (early 30s) and already married. I wasn't married at the time, though I was already in a long-term relationship with the man I eventually married, who is a good man. But I immediately felt a connection with this MM, and we quickly became friends. About a year ago, right before I was to get married and move away from the city for about 8 months due to work, MM confessed to having feelings for me. He said that meeting me had made him question other decisions he’d made in his life. Said that having me around was “like having a room in his house that he couldn’t go into.” Said that he missed me when he didn’t see me, wanted to call me at 11 p.m. just to see what I was up to. I was sort of surprised by this confession. For my part, I'd definitely been dealing with some crush-like feelings of my own, but I absolutely NEVER thought it was mutual or that we'd actually have a conversation about it. It was all sort of awkward and sad, and it definitely drew me in emotionally. Then again, I was also sort of angry--what did he really expect me to do with this information, a month before I was to marry someone else?

 

About six months ago, I moved back to the city I'd left. Although we hadn’t seen each other or communicated very much while I’d been away, that emotional intensity was still there when I saw him again. More talking ensued--and he again admitted to mixed feelings about his decisions (his marriage), admitted to missing me, admitted to lots of things. I was hooked. I felt simultaneously burdened and thrilled by this big secret emotional thing. Unfortunately, I started to become a little too dependent on it--wanting that closeness, being agitated when MM would act like we were “just friends.” He often ran hot and cold--confessing to things, and then withdrawing. I’m not sure what I was hoping would happen--nothing remotely physical ever occurred, we never talked about any sort of future—but it became a situation that I somehow got into too deeply and couldn’t get out of. So a couple of months ago, I initiated no contact--it was just getting too hard to hear what he was saying and have him in my life that way. I was getting confused and mixed up.

 

He definitely didn’t want NC--and he tried a couple of times to contact me, even though I’m not sure what I was offering him by that point--by that time, I was often upset and confused when I was around him. A few weeks ago, I found out through a mutual friend that his wife is pregnant, which was tough news to take. I doubt he’ll be contacting me now. It was sort of like a big reality check on the whole thing, and a very abrupt ending.

 

Anyway, I’m just left with a lot of questions. Did MM really feel that way about me? Did I make this all up? Is he a liar? A coward? What was his intent? Why would he put years of time and effort into our “relationship”--especially since there was no sexual element? I never got explanations as to why he “emoted” to me to the extent that he did. Maybe I’m just being naïve, but I could really use some help getting out of this fog. I’m driving myself crazy trying to come up with answers to my own questions. Any insights would be so much appreciated. Thanks.