Texting Posted September 29, 2018 Posted September 29, 2018 From day 1... if I do something he doesn't like, he lets me know in no uncertain terms that he does not like it, but if someone else does the same thing, he won't mention to them that it is a problem for him. What does it mean when a guy shows you a different side of him... that he doesn't show to anyone else?
basil67 Posted September 29, 2018 Posted September 29, 2018 From day 1... if I do something he doesn't like, he lets me know in no uncertain terms that he does not like it, but if someone else does the same thing, he won't mention to them that it is a problem for him. What does it mean when a guy shows you a different side of him... that he doesn't show to anyone else? Lots of us have friends who do weird stuff which we couldn't deal with as a partner. But because we aren't with them all the time, we live with it. However, when a partner is crossing our boundaries or behaving in a manner we don't like we have to discuss it because it's part of the relationship. So the question you need to ask yourself is whether or not he's being reasonable in terms of the things you do he's expressing dislike over. Sometimes when a partner points out an issue, it's quite justified. Other times, they are being hypocritical or controlling. Do you feel that you struggle to meet his needs? Can you give examples of the things he's saying to you? 2
Author Texting Posted September 29, 2018 Author Posted September 29, 2018 Lots of us have friends who do weird stuff which we couldn't deal with as a partner. But because we aren't with them all the time, we live with it. However, when a partner is crossing our boundaries or behaving in a manner we don't like we have to discuss it because it's part of the relationship. So the question you need to ask yourself is whether or not he's being reasonable in terms of the things you do he's expressing dislike over. Sometimes when a partner points out an issue, it's quite justified. Other times, they are being hypocritical or controlling. Do you feel that you struggle to meet his needs? Can you give examples of the things he's saying to you? Thanks for the explanation.. We're not a couple, but I'd like to be. I've known him for a while, but one day he asked me out and from the first day he's made sure to let me know if I do something that irritates him. I do not feel like the things he dislikes are unreasonable... some of these are issues that I've struggled with and things I've wanted to change about myself - it's just the first time that someone has actually come out and said anything about it to me. He has more experience with relationships than I do and some of the things I do might just be things his exes did that he didn't like. And when I do it he will immediately let me know it upsets him. I guess what I'm trying to figure out is if the reason he's showing me this side of himself (which he doesn't show to anyone else) is because he views me as someone he could have a relationship with, or if it means he does want to have a relationship with me? He's very difficult for me to read and I've been trying to figure out if he views me as a friend or sees potential in me to be his girlfriend. Could the latter be the reason he shows me this side of himself from the beginning?
elaine567 Posted September 29, 2018 Posted September 29, 2018 People tend only to pick fights with those they consider lesser or weaker. He knows through experience that you will put up with his criticisms and "irritations" as you no doubt "love" him. He knows that if he told other people he doesn't like something they did they would go in a huff, argue back or even bop him on the nose so he doesn't do it. He sounds like someone you need to stay away from. He is testing your boundaries and your boundaries are very weak as you are desperate for him to like you. BUT nice people do not go about upsetting and criticising people. Stay away. 2
carhill Posted September 29, 2018 Posted September 29, 2018 What does it mean when a guy shows you a different side of him... that he doesn't show to anyone else? Hard to know 'anyone else' since there are billions on the planet and none of us know our partners/spouses/friends completely. We like to think we do, sure; however, people are complex and ever changing. The rest.... men compartmentalize. I kinda envy those who feel safe to run their mouths regarding others. In my time it was an invitation to a physical beatdown. One learned not to run their mouth and have a modicum of respect for the autonomy and liberty and self-determination of others. Live and let live, so to speak. Or don't and suffer the results. Hence, a guy might beat down a random and give his girlfriend/wife a hug and kiss, caress his baby and kick the dog. Some guys are like that. Their behaviors are discrete and compartmentalized. Think of behavior 'boxes'. They don't touch and behaviors can be so disparate that it's like there's two people involved. We're wired that way and, at least in my generation, it was beaten into us at a young age. nice people do not go about upsetting and criticising people. Yup, good people respect and value others but still have strong boundaries to physical, verbal and emotional attacks. Walk and talk softly but leave no ambiguity about consequences. The guy who's running our defense department right now is a great example.
FMW Posted September 29, 2018 Posted September 29, 2018 It's not unreasonable for you to see it as him being comfortable with you and feeling free to say what he thinks because he feels closer to you and might want to get involved in a relationship. But do you really want to get involved with someone who is already pointing out things about you that annoy him? Unless they are really egregious things (and I assume they aren't since you say others do the same thing and he doesn't mention it) I would be very wary. It's possible he's a bully and as Elaine says he sees you as weaker and acts accordingly. How does it make you feel when he points these things out? Doesn't it hurt your feelings? I don't see why you would not only find it acceptable but want to get further involved with him. 1
BaileyB Posted September 29, 2018 Posted September 29, 2018 But do you really want to get involved with someone who is already pointing out things about you that annoy him? Unless they are really egregious things (and I assume they aren't since you say others do the same thing and he doesn't mention it) I would be very wary. This is exactly what I was thinking. What kinds of things does he disagree with and how does he handle these situations OP? 2
Art_Critic Posted September 29, 2018 Posted September 29, 2018 People tend only to pick fights with those they consider lesser or weaker. He knows through experience that you will put up with his criticisms and "irritations" as you no doubt "love" him. He knows that if he told other people he doesn't like something they did they would go in a huff, argue back or even bop him on the nose so he doesn't do it. He sounds like someone you need to stay away from. He is testing your boundaries and your boundaries are very weak as you are desperate for him to like you. BUT nice people do not go about upsetting and criticising people. Stay away. Nice post... I agree.. 1
Gretchen12 Posted September 29, 2018 Posted September 29, 2018 He has done that from day 1? It means he's not into you. 1
smackie9 Posted September 29, 2018 Posted September 29, 2018 He has done that from day 1? It means he's not into you. Or it means he's grooming you to be the GF he expects you to be....which makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. OP do you lack relationship experience? You should be running away from this guy.
BaileyB Posted September 29, 2018 Posted September 29, 2018 Or it means he's grooming you to be the GF he expects you to be....which makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. Agree. It's not good.
carhill Posted September 29, 2018 Posted September 29, 2018 Both men and women do that all the time. Women are more subtle, sure. They suck a guy in with sex and then reveal their true personality over time. MW's are pros at this. Also, yup, people are hypocrites. Saw it first with parents. Smoke a doob and chastise the kid for even looking at one. Alcohol is bad for you, while sucking down a bourbon. All part of the human condition. People do tend to be more open with those they feel safe with. OP, could you give some examples of what your BF doesn't like? Also, pick a typical day. How often would/does this come up. Often, sometimes, not every day, what?
Mardelis Posted September 29, 2018 Posted September 29, 2018 People tend only to pick fights with those they consider lesser or weaker. So do people that have anger issues regardless of the perceived status of their opponent.
carhill Posted September 29, 2018 Posted September 29, 2018 OP, read a point on anger and didn't see any mention in your writings.... When your erstwhile man not yet your boyfriend expresses dislike for something you've said, done, whatever, does he sound angry? Compare to when you've seen him angry, like PO'd about work or something that happened in his day. How does that go? In general, at least in my generation, anger is one of the few emotions men are allowed socially. We can cry at funerals but not in general. How does it go with this guy? Do you find him emotionally open or closed off?
Author Texting Posted September 29, 2018 Author Posted September 29, 2018 It's not unreasonable for you to see it as him being comfortable with you and feeling free to say what he thinks because he feels closer to you and might want to get involved in a relationship. But do you really want to get involved with someone who is already pointing out things about you that annoy him? Unless they are really egregious things (and I assume they aren't since you say others do the same thing and he doesn't mention it) I would be very wary. It's possible he's a bully and as Elaine says he sees you as weaker and acts accordingly. How does it make you feel when he points these things out? Doesn't it hurt your feelings? I don't see why you would not only find it acceptable but want to get further involved with him. It's mostly me speaking to him in a way which sounds like I'm trying to control him... I don't mean for it to come out that way but sometimes it does. He's only said something personal like that 3 times... it's not hurtful, just embarrassing to have it pointed out. He doesn't say it in a mean-spirited way, mostly just as part of teasing me when it's personal. His good far outweighs his bad. 1
Author Texting Posted September 29, 2018 Author Posted September 29, 2018 This is exactly what I was thinking. What kinds of things does he disagree with and how does he handle these situations OP? It's mostly me speaking to him in a way which sounds like I'm trying to control him... I don't mean for it to come out that way but sometimes it does. The first time it happened, he was upset & I just apologized and he was immediately ok again like it never happened. The second time (this time after he let me know it's a pet peeve of his) I accidentally did it again and I could see he was upset, but I didn't say anything. I knew I was in the wrong but he didn't mention it and neither did I... he just seemed to forget about it after a minute or so. He's only said something personal like that 3 times... it's not hurtful, just embarrassing to have it pointed out. He doesn't say it in a mean-spirited way, mostly just as part of teasing me when it's personal.
Author Texting Posted September 29, 2018 Author Posted September 29, 2018 Or it means he's grooming you to be the GF he expects you to be....which makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. OP do you lack relationship experience? You should be running away from this guy. He has more relationship experience than I do.
Author Texting Posted September 29, 2018 Author Posted September 29, 2018 Both men and women do that all the time. Women are more subtle, sure. They suck a guy in with sex and then reveal their true personality over time. MW's are pros at this. Also, yup, people are hypocrites. Saw it first with parents. Smoke a doob and chastise the kid for even looking at one. Alcohol is bad for you, while sucking down a bourbon. All part of the human condition. People do tend to be more open with those they feel safe with. OP, could you give some examples of what your BF doesn't like? Also, pick a typical day. How often would/does this come up. Often, sometimes, not every day, what? It's mostly me speaking to him in a way which sounds like I'm trying to control him... I don't mean for it to come out that way but sometimes it does. This is more something I do that hurts him than the other way around. But he doesn't seem to take it personal if it comes from someone else. The personal comments don't happen every time. He's only said something personal like that 3 times... it's not hurtful, just embarrassing to have it pointed out. He doesn't say it in a mean-spirited way, mostly just as part of teasing me when it's personal.
elaine567 Posted September 29, 2018 Posted September 29, 2018 It's mostly me speaking to him in a way which sounds like I'm trying to control him... I don't mean for it to come out that way but sometimes it does. This is more something I do that hurts him than the other way around. But he doesn't seem to take it personal if it comes from someone else. The personal comments don't happen every time. He's only said something personal like that 3 times... it's not hurtful, just embarrassing to have it pointed out. He doesn't say it in a mean-spirited way, mostly just as part of teasing me when it's personal. Can you give us a real life example of this?
Author Texting Posted September 29, 2018 Author Posted September 29, 2018 OP, read a point on anger and didn't see any mention in your writings.... When your erstwhile man not yet your boyfriend expresses dislike for something you've said, done, whatever, does he sound angry? Compare to when you've seen him angry, like PO'd about work or something that happened in his day. How does that go? In general, at least in my generation, anger is one of the few emotions men are allowed socially. We can cry at funerals but not in general. How does it go with this guy? Do you find him emotionally open or closed off? With the personal comments, he mostly does it while teasing... or says it matter-of-fact in a soft voice (no anger). I've never seen him angry for longer than a minute or so. He only sounded upset once when it sounded like I was trying to control him, but it blew over immediately when I apologized. Do you find him emotionally open or closed off? I've experienced both sides with him... it just depends on the specific situation.
Gretchen12 Posted September 29, 2018 Posted September 29, 2018 Oh, so it's you? It's not that he shows a different side of him to you, it's that you do things that others don't. Was your behavior inappropriate and he simply won't stand for it? You should be clear: Did you do something unrelated to him that HE doesn't like, or did you do something to him that nobody would like? The former means he's controlling or he just doesn't like you. The latter means it's you. Either way, it's not going well for him.
basil67 Posted September 29, 2018 Posted September 29, 2018 Ah, so he's letting you know that you've crossed a boundary? Him telling you to pull your head in simply means that he's not a doormat. I'm curious as to why you're attracted to someone you have trouble reading. Sounds like a recipe for a frustrating relationship.
kendahke Posted September 29, 2018 Posted September 29, 2018 He has more relationship experience than I do. But do you lack relationship experience yourself? How many relationships have you been in so far? Have they treated with you like this? There's truth in jest--just because he bookends it with a "ha ha" doesn't mean that it's not meant as a pinch. Just proceed cautiously and keep observing the disconnects regarding him. Don't be so quick to make him your boyfriend--he might just be serving as your life lesson, not life partner. He only sounded upset once when it sounded like I was trying to control him What was going on that gave him that impression? What did you do/say?
Ami1uwant Posted September 30, 2018 Posted September 30, 2018 People tend only to pick fights with those they consider lesser or weaker. He knows through experience that you will put up with his criticisms and "irritations" as you no doubt "love" him. He knows that if he told other people he doesn't like something they did they would go in a huff, argue back or even bop him on the nose so he doesn't do it. He sounds like someone you need to stay away from. He is testing your boundaries and your boundaries are very weak as you are desperate for him to like you. BUT nice people do not go about upsetting and criticising people. Stay away. I don’t see it as picking fights. As others have said there are things in a relationship I don’t like and will say something. If it was from a friend I can to,rested it. When I search for a SI there are qualities I look for in a mate that they need to have. If a friend doesn’t have thus then it could exclude them from being a SO
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