Marielle Posted September 8, 2005 Posted September 8, 2005 So here's the story We where friends and co workers for 2 yrs, he had a gf for 7yrs, he asked me out a couple of times, but I never accepted it.: then when he wanted to leave gf(very unhappy with her) she trappped him getting pregnant; because of family pressure he got married: fast marriage with no glitters. Then 4 mo after, we hooked up together, and it was like magic, he wanted to see me every day, treated me like a princess. He says now I m part of he's life, he adores me etc...We are having for the past 5 mo a "normal" relationship, I see him mostly every day, every weekend. He even wanted to meet my family, so I introduced him to my mom. At some point, he went to live to his mothers...so he stays over here till 3 or 5 in the mo. Finally I bought up the subject, and the results are: He wants to leave his wife, and he will (but he says it's not because of me, but because he really doesn t love her) I left it that way. One day I call him on his cell, and he hangs up on me...he told me it's bcause W was there, I was very fustrated. Later that night we had the talk, more specifically I asked him when he will be free for me: he said he's going step by step, waiting for his wife to give birth, becasue he's afraid that if she knows during pregnancy, she could harm the baby. She will give birth in 20 days. So he said that in frebruary he's taking he's vacaction with me (I m going back home in South america) and when we come back, we will move in together. He says the future is very bright for us. Now that the baby will be born soon, I do not see him often, just 3 4 times a week for short time. And if I say something of feel sad, he's like , please, understant it, it's just this month, do not pressure me. I feel very scared that when the baby will be born, he will change his mind (or if he ever Really meant to move inwith me) I know he's a good guy, ppl love him at work, and his friends tell me they never saw him with a woman the way he is with me.
whichwayisup Posted September 8, 2005 Posted September 8, 2005 The best thing you can do for YOU now is end it and walk away. As much as he's told you he'll leave his wife for you, he won't. Especially now that there's a baby on the way...That changes everything and right now he doesn't know how he'll feel. You have a taste of it now as he's not spending the time with you like he once was. Just get the courage to end it, tell him it's over and never to contact you again. He may be a "good guy" but really, he isn't. If he loved you as much as he said he did he would have ended the relationship as soon as he started falling for you.
Author Marielle Posted September 9, 2005 Author Posted September 9, 2005 Well, thanks...but anyone with a more flexible-positive answer???? I saw him last night, and he was very sweet and happy with me, he told how much he needs me right now...I can t leave him, I adore him! And I know he loves me too, things are not that easy, he can t leave his pregnant wife just like that, he would be an ass!!!!! I just need to share my expirience and discuss it with others..It can t be THAT black or white How many divorces are going on nowadays because of this, "he will never leave her" I think is an old mith!!!!
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 9, 2005 Posted September 9, 2005 People do leave genuinely unhappy marriages. Its the fairly tolerable ones they stay in - particularly when the OW/OM enables them to do so by agreeing to be the 'side item'. You've given this MM no incentive to leave - because you are making it perfectly clear that you condone his fence sitting simply by continuing to see him while he is still married. His marriage isn't so happy that he wants to leave - particularly when he has a child on the way, and he has an OW to fill the voids he has allowed to form in his relationship with his W. Here's what is going to happen: the baby will be born, and the MM will tell you that he has to wait until the baby is 'no longer an infant'. Then it will be 'no longer a toddler'. Then 'lets wait until he/she is in kindergarten'. Then it will be 'lets wait until he/she is older and in high school'. Then it will be 'lets wait until he/she goes off to college'. Then it will be 'lets wait until he/she graduates from college'. Then it will be 'lets wait until after his/her wedding'. Then it will be 'lets wait until my first grandchild is born'. Etc, etc, etc. This will go on for as long as you enable it to. You want to knock him off the fence and legitimately come to you? Then go to 'no contact' and walk away. Move away if you have to. Start a new life without him. Think about why it is you want a man in your life who has the capacity to walk out of his child's life and abandon his W for the first OW that comes along - or worse yet, lie about it to continue tagging said OW. If a man who cheats on his pregnant W, who will abandon his child, who lies to his OW and leads her to believe that she actually has a future with him is your definition of a "good man" - then be forewarned... if this "good man" is ever yours, he will continue to be that same "good man", only you will be in the unique position to see just how "good" he really is. I bet his W has no idea how "miserable" he is. I expect he lies to you just like he lies to her. But... if this is the type of man you want to share your life with - If you leave, I guarantee you that if he really wants to be with you and wants you in his life, he will follow you and work hard to make his way back into your life: this time when he is free to do so. If you want to make some changes you have to exact them yourself - tell him that he is not to contact you in any way, shape or form until he brings you signed and notarized divorce papers and has his own place. Then... walk away. The hard part to accept is that when you walk away, there's a 97% chance he is simply going to let you keep walking, and a very good chance that he will go back to his W even after he leaves her because of the same "family pressures" that caused him to marry her in the first place. He could have said no and just agreed to pay child support. He didn't. Just like he could leave his W, but he probably won't. At the very least, his W will be a part of your life for as long as you are with him, because of the child (unless of course he truly is the type to abandon his own child and becomes a 'check in the mail' dad.) Not exactly good father material - lets hope you consider that if you decide to have children with him. Your odds at this working out with him are around 3%. Good luck. Hopefully if you find the strength to walk away, you'll also find the clarity to understand that you could do way better than this.
whichwayisup Posted September 9, 2005 Posted September 9, 2005 Well, thanks...but anyone with a more flexible-positive answer???? I saw him last night, and he was very sweet and happy with me, he told how much he needs me right now...I can t leave him, I adore him! And I know he loves me too, things are not that easy, he can t leave his pregnant wife just like that, he would be an ass!!!!! I just need to share my expirience and discuss it with others..It can t be THAT black or white How many divorces are going on nowadays because of this, "he will never leave her" I think is an old mith!!!! You need to take a step back and see the whole picture. The advice you're looking for isn't going to be said. I don't think anybody here is going to tell you to keep on trying to get this man to leave his wife, his unborn child and be with you. Go read afew threads by OW and see for yourself. Your situation is classic as he keeps telling you what you want to hear and you love him. He knows how to push your buttons and get what he wants...Now, it's not as malcious as it sounds, but he is happy! Why wouldn't he be? He has a wife at home and you on the side...He's got the best of both worlds, why would he want to give that up?
Author Marielle Posted September 11, 2005 Author Posted September 11, 2005 First of all I want to thank you honestly for your input, I was mad bcause I was looking for an answer I m not getting, I m going nuts!!!!! You are absolutely right, but I know THIS story can be different, even if it has all the ingredients for the usual recipe. He is REALLY unhappy in his marriage, he told other ppl that have nothing to do with me, also his best friend confessed me that h ehates going back home. He is NOT staying with her, he s living at his mother. Also he respects her, he does not love her, but never talks about her , and if he does there is not disrispect. He also always told me that his baby will be his first priority, and he is NOT LEAVING HIS WIFE FOR ME, he just doesn t love her!and he is not ready to sacrifice his whole life for her. He got married because of family pressure (religion) I used to feel bad for her, but he told me I have nothing to do with theire (sp?) story...I came at the end. I m not trying to do the perfect picture here, but just to show that this is not the usual mm -ow pic. He is crazy about me, respectful, he cares about me...he is with me EVERY DAY, more then a single guy!!! I know how it feels when a guy really loves you, all those little things they do (it only happened to me once in the past) Please be more open minded!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can this work?????????????????????
d'Arthez Posted September 11, 2005 Posted September 11, 2005 he just doesn t love her!and he is not ready to sacrifice his whole life for her. So why should you sacrifice your whole life for him? All the excuses he comes up with are just that - excuses. If he has no backbone he would not have gotten into the marriage, nor stay in the marriage if he hates it. Assuming he does live in the US, and not in a more religiously dominated country. I m not trying to do the perfect picture here, but just to show that this is not the usual mm -ow pic. He is crazy about me, respectful, he cares about me...he is with me EVERY DAY, more then a single guy!!! Yes, at the expense of ... his professed first priority, the child. Another proof of his good nature is: We where friends and co workers for 2 yrs, he had a gf for 7yrs, he asked me out a couple of times, but I never accepted it Asking you out when he had a gf? Truly, truly the epithome of considerate behavior. He is simply compensating for the "unhappy life he has with his wife" (perhaps a low sex drive as a result of pregnancy?). You don't know for fact what is going on. You only believe what MM wants you to know - he may simply not feed you the truth, nor the specific circumstances. Doing the math, 4 months, plus 5 months, plus discovering she is pregnant, plus arranging a marriage + 20 days, seems a bit long for delivering a baby, does not it? Please be more open minded!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can this work????????????????????? Yes. But the odds are as high as the odds for me walking on the moon one day. And I am not an astronaut. If you continue with this, be prepared that you risk a lot of hurt, with slim chances of things working out between the two of you.
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 11, 2005 Posted September 11, 2005 He also always told me that his baby will be his first priority, and he is NOT LEAVING HIS WIFE FOR ME Then understand that you are volunteer in this, and not a victim. Loving you or not, he's made it clear that you come in last place behind his C and his marriage (yes, not leaving the marriage means he has it on a higher priority than you - he may not like it, but he prioritizes it above you nonetheless). You know the deal. All you can do is accept the situation, or leave it. Should you accept it, realize that in order for it to "work" you'll have to always understand and accept your place in it. Your place is the OW. You will get no more and no less than that. The only choice you have in the matter is what type of OW you will be: HOW (happy other woman) or UOW (unhappy other woman).
Author Marielle Posted September 11, 2005 Author Posted September 11, 2005 I just did an error on my last reply (my english is not perfect ), when I said " he is not leaving his wife for me" I meant:he said he is not leaving his wife BECAUSE of me, he is leving her because that is a decision he took before, because it's not working, and I came after in the picture. He even confessed to the manager at my company (his superior) that he is dating me, and he's marriage is not working. You are right about all you said, and I keep your wise words in my mind, to be alert, it's really helpful, but I wanted at least to clear up that point . I respect that he's baby will be his first priority (why would I feel bad about it, that's how it's supposed 2 b)
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 11, 2005 Posted September 11, 2005 All you can do in a situation like this is protect your heart, and keep a little part of it cynical and non-believing of him. That one small part may be the only thing keeping you together if things take a turn for the worse.
Chavrine Posted September 11, 2005 Posted September 11, 2005 I fear once the baby is born things will change, and probably for the worse for yourself.....the bond between parent and baby is a strong one...he will find it hard to leave her with a new born, and then he will find it hard to leave with a toddler, then with a school child...so on and so on for many more years, for as long as he is having his cake and eating it. Sorry to sound so cynical....words of experience I'm afraid!. Also if he can do this to his wife and unborn child, will you EVER trust him??, if he can do it to his wife and child, he will think nothing of doing the same to you in years to come. You sound like you have a patient and loving nature go and find someone who truly deserves you!. xx
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