thepickle Posted September 28, 2018 Posted September 28, 2018 Hey everyone, I don't really know what to do. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for close to 3 years, we're both in our early 20s and live together. Over the weekend I started getting flu-type symptoms, I was feeling terrible. I tried to ignore it as I was starting back at university on Monday. On Monday evening it got worse, and I knew that I needed to have some medicine (cold & flu tablets, cough syrup) because I didn't really want to wait for it to go away. I asked him that night if he would go out and grab me some pain relief if I was still feeling bad on Tuesday, he said that was fine. On Tuesday I was pretty much bedridden, so I asked if he wouldn't mind going to the shop and getting me some medicine and soup... and he told me to give him the money and he would. ?????? He'd said that it was fine previously, and personally I think that buying someone who's sick some cheap medicine and food is basic kindness? I know I'd do it for him (or anyone) if he asked. I'd bought our meal the previous night, and though I don't like score keeping (though apparently he does) you'd think that might warrant some selflessness. Anyway, I went to get it myself in the cold, and now I've been prescribed an inhaler because I developed bronchitis (probably not from the cold) and other asthmatic symptoms. We haven't spoken since Tuesday, because I've been quite upset and disappointed. I'd say this isn't particularly out of character for him, he does sometimes ask for the money if I ask him for something when he's going anyway, but I expected better, honestly. I just want to know if not talking for three days is me overreacting. I did tell him last night he could sleep in our bed after spending the previous night on the sofa, and he didn't come to bed. Do you think he's angry because I told him I'm upset he couldn't be kind for a minute? I'm sorry this is so long or if it's not the right place to post, and if you have any questions please ask!
preraph Posted September 29, 2018 Posted September 29, 2018 Stop worrying about if HE's mad. Look, you date someone to find out if they're good for the long term. Clearly, he is NOT. He has no empathy. He is not helpful. He does not take care of you in the least. He would be a terrible mate, so stop wasting time with him. He's not going to change. When you first told him you were sick, he should have said, Can I get you anything? Do you need me to get you some soup or something from the pharmacy? He doesn't care. Your family would do this, you would do this, your friends would do this much. He shouldn't be in your future. It's not even about the money. It's about he's a foot dragger, reluctant mate. You can surely do better. 2
Mrin Posted September 29, 2018 Posted September 29, 2018 Just a hunch here but I don't think this is really about cold medicine. I think that's just a manifestation of a bigger underlying concern that you have about him. Right? 3
basil67 Posted September 29, 2018 Posted September 29, 2018 I agree that it was unkind of him to ask for money to go buy your medicine. But it hardly warranted your reaction of telling him not to bother, going to get it yourself and freezing him out of the bed. If you had been so ill, surely it would have been easier to say "sure, my purse is in the corner there, grab what you need" than to have a fight over it. In short, yes, freezing him out for three days over this is a serious over reaction on your part. As Mrin said, perhaps there are other issues going on and this was the proverbial straw? 2
Gretchen12 Posted September 29, 2018 Posted September 29, 2018 If you don't have a joint bank account, you should always offer money when asking him to go get you something. It is wrong and rude to put someone in a position where he has to either pay or have to ask for money. People don't give medicine as gifts. It doesn't matter the cost. The person paying for you should have a choice. And then you sulk for days after that. This isn't going to last. If I were you I'd be thinking about who is moving out and when. When does your lease end? 3
Author thepickle Posted September 29, 2018 Author Posted September 29, 2018 I agree that it was unkind of him to ask for money to go buy your medicine. But it hardly warranted your reaction of telling him not to bother, going to get it yourself and freezing him out of the bed. If you had been so ill, surely it would have been easier to say "sure, my purse is in the corner there, grab what you need" than to have a fight over it. In short, yes, freezing him out for three days over this is a serious over reaction on your part. As Mrin said, perhaps there are other issues going on and this was the proverbial straw? It wasn't freezing him out as such, he slept in the bed on the Tuesday, he decided not to on the Wednesday, told him it was fine for him to sleep in here last night and he didn't... unless that's what you mean. It could have been that he didn't want to catch anything. You're right, that at the time it would have been far easier for me to just let him take my money. I'm unfortunately not that kind of person - if someone clearly doesn't want to do something, I won't make them do it. It would have stopped this from happening, but it didn't, and I'm not sure where to go from here.
Author thepickle Posted September 29, 2018 Author Posted September 29, 2018 Just a hunch here but I don't think this is really about cold medicine. I think that's just a manifestation of a bigger underlying concern that you have about him. Right? If that's the case, I haven't figured out what that underlying concern is yet.
Author thepickle Posted September 29, 2018 Author Posted September 29, 2018 If you don't have a joint bank account, you should always offer money when asking him to go get you something. It is wrong and rude to put someone in a position where he has to either pay or have to ask for money. People don't give medicine as gifts. It doesn't matter the cost. The person paying for you should have a choice. And then you sulk for days after that. This isn't going to last. If I were you I'd be thinking about who is moving out and when. When does your lease end? Fair enough, that's your opinion, I see it as kindness but alrighty. I'm paying rent monthly. His parents have paid his rent for the next six months. Lease doesn't end until next August.
Author thepickle Posted September 29, 2018 Author Posted September 29, 2018 I'm going to briefly clarify that the reason I've been more upset than I usually would over this is because the conversation went like this: Me: hey, would you be okay getting me some medicine and soup from the shop? I'm feeling worse today and I don't think I can do it myself. Him: you got that money? Me: ??? yes? But said you'd do it last night, I'm surprised you're asking for money now. Him: --stomps off and gets changed-- Him: --comes back in-- what do you want (with 'that' face on) Me: my card's in my purse, i'll text you a list. (also with 'that' face on by now) Him: doesn't matter anymore It's the attitude more than anything. I don't want to feel like a burden.
Gaeta Posted September 29, 2018 Posted September 29, 2018 Are you a couple or room-mates? If you're a couple then it doesn't matter who pays the medicine because you're a team and you go through expenses *together*. It's not happening here. It looks like you think you're a couple but he sees this more as a room-mate situation. The man is still financially dependant of his parents, why do you live together! Move out, he can find himself a room-mate. 1
Mardelis Posted September 29, 2018 Posted September 29, 2018 His attitude blows but some of your responses are over the top including not talking to him for days and storming out of the house to get the medication yourself to prove a point. Lot of unhealthy dynamics here on both parts. 1
smackie9 Posted September 29, 2018 Posted September 29, 2018 Date those who treat you the way you want to be treated...he treats you like he doesn't care...get it? Send him to the curb....I really don't know why you put up with any of this. 1
preraph Posted September 29, 2018 Posted September 29, 2018 I agree. I don't think the fine points matter. He acted like it was a major imposition to help you out one time when you were ill. Think what a loser he'd be if you had a kid with him. He's pout and drag his feet about everything he had to do. Toss him. 1
stillafool Posted September 29, 2018 Posted September 29, 2018 I swear if I was that sick I would have rather given him the money to get my meds than to expose myself to weather that would make my condition worse. I would have given up the cash, got my stuff, got well and nexted him.
smackie9 Posted September 29, 2018 Posted September 29, 2018 Next time stay home, have your meds and food delivered. Most grocers and pharmacies have this service. You don't need him. 2
guest569 Posted September 29, 2018 Posted September 29, 2018 People keep referring to it as "dating". This is a 3 year relationship and I personally would expect by this point that finances are combined to the point no-one is keeping count of who paid what. Sounds like he is resentful about sharing or thinks he is paying a bigger share overall. A bad time to raise the issue. He sounds very uncaring. If my partner is sick I'm there right away with soup and hugs, even at the time our relationship was on the rocks. 1
kendahke Posted September 29, 2018 Posted September 29, 2018 (edited) I'm going to briefly clarify that the reason I've been more upset than I usually would over this is because the conversation went like this: <SNIP> It's the attitude more than anything. I don't want to feel like a burden. After 3 years of dating, this is how he esteems you when you're sick and need him to help you out? He sounds like he's checked out of your relationship. He's angry at you for something and it hasn't got anything to do with this situation--this is the catalyst that allows him to vent about what he won't talk to you about. You've got a lot of thinking ahead of you. As an aside: next time, try not to let things get to the point of bronchitis, asthmatic issues, inhalers---go to an urgent care center as soon as you can. I go through this just about every year and it's when I just let it stew that it gets ugly. When I get up and go get seen by the doctor, I can arrest it before it develops legs. Edited September 30, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Ami1uwant Posted September 30, 2018 Posted September 30, 2018 Fair enough, that's your opinion, I see it as kindness but alrighty. I'm paying rent monthly. His parents have paid his rent for the next six months. Lease doesn't end until next August. I think there is more here..... If I did this fir a SO and they needed it and I didn’t have the cash or a credit card to pay for it and the bank wasn’t near me I’d ask for the cash. If he has been paying for stuff all the time and felt she wasn’t paying fir anything outside of rent could be the underlying issue here.
smackie9 Posted September 30, 2018 Posted September 30, 2018 Not about money...his actions are a symptom of deeper issues.
bene Posted September 30, 2018 Posted September 30, 2018 Unless he has some condition that he honestly doesn’t understand the situation, I’d say you didn’t overreact and his pettiness was rude and speaks something of his attitude towards you. How come it’s all about him when you’re the one sick and need help? There is all the time in the world for you to pay back that money even though I’d think that paying back an inconsiderable amount of money that over the counter medicine costs is not important in a three year relationship. You should not feel like a burden for expecting a simple gesture of kindness that one would offer any friend or relative when asked. Have you encountered similar problems before?
Lotsgoingon Posted September 30, 2018 Posted September 30, 2018 If that's the case, I haven't figured out what that underlying concern is yet. A guy treats you like dirt when you're not feeling well. And you're having problems figuring out if there is a larger issue here? I'll lay it out: HE IS A JERK! Dump him! He abandoned when you were sick. The whole point of a relationship is to be with someone who has your back ... and who cares for you when you're sick. You don't have such a partner, so what's the point of being with this guy? The underlying concern question is about this: this could not have been the first time he's done something similar to this, done something equally neglectful of you. So another underlying concern is that he doesn't have money or spends his money is reckless ways ... so you can't even assume he has money to go get you medicine. Is this guy really that broke? That can be an underlying concern. I'm baffled here. And I'm a bit baffled that you are not enraged and furious at him and that you didn't summarily fire him. What are you waiting for?
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