He broke up with me to find happiness with himself...or was it me?

[babysacay]

Sorry for the long post. I would super appreciate anyone who reads this and tells me what they think

 

I (27F) just had my best relationship come to an end yesterday with a 25 year-old man.

 

We dated for 3.5 months, since mid-June. We'd been talking off and on since last November, as friends while I was seeing other people, and while he was deployed. We had one date before he deployed around December. He was the first boyfriend I've had who called me regularly and who made efforts to schedule time for me, all without me ever once having to ask or push for it. He's the best boyfriend I've ever had.

 

He had returned from a deployment in the middle East in April. He's been experiencing a lot of stress recently, with work and studying for an Air Force promotion. And he'd also been experiencing depression and symptoms of PTSD (jumping in response to loud sounds, dreams of the deployment, depression, and I also learned last night during the break-up call that he'd been experiencing a lot of anger, which I had no idea).

 

Because of those mental struggles, he had no sexual desire, which was a stress for us but I did my best to be understanding about it but admit this probably added stress for him. And I secretly suspected him calling me regularly was also a stress, even though I never asked for it, because he once told me he'd be okay going a day or two without talking and just talked to me daily because he knew that I liked it. I was his first relationship in years; he changed his Facebook profile pic to one of us and everything. I felt special to him. But I don't know how I came to be a stressor instead of stress reliever.

 

And then we got into a fight Wednesday night into Thursday morning, because Wednesday we were having a good phone conversation but then he raised his voice at me out of nowhere. I wanted to talk it out and figure out what upset him but he wanted to go and study and then it became an argument where I was hurt he raised his voice at me and he didn't care that he hurt me, I wanted to talk through it, and he was mad I wouldn't let it go.

 

We were supposed to see each other this weekend but then he cancelled, saying he needed alone time because he was stressed, tired, and exhausted. I asked Thursday via text if we could see each other next weekend instead and he said, "Sure." Then I texted to ask to schedule a time to talk about our argument, so that it would be easier for me to drop it and give him space. I also said I felt like he did not care about me or our relationship and that I just want to know he cares like I do. He was still upset I was texting him which I at work which I understand and regret now but we eventually agreed to talk Sunday. I texted back that I appreciated this so it would be easier for me to give him space and I didn't text him the rest of the work day; this was about 10 am.

 

But then he called me Thursday after work. It was a break-up call. It started with us talking about our days; he was more quiet than usual. He apologized for yelling at me for no reason. I apologized for stressing him out the last couple days. Then he told me he thinks he needs to work on the depression by working on being happy on his own. I asked if it was because of me and the recent stress I added to his life, tried telling him I was willing to give him space. He stated a few times that it was not because of me, it was because of him; he said it was his fault because of the depression and the PTSD symptoms. Said he thinks he tried dating too soon after returning from the deployment and that he does not want to hurt me.

 

I asked him for his true honesty with this: I asked if there would be a chance to date again when he is happy on his own and he said yes and he also said that when he is happy and if we do become friends to let him know if there is also interest on my part. I know realistically that rekindling things with an ex is unlikely though. I believe that if someone really wants to be with someone, nothing gets in their way. It made me wonder, what would he do if this happened during a marriage? I still have an inkling of hope though even though I logically know this is not wise.

 

Long story short, even though he told me more than once he's not breaking up because of me, he is breaking up to work through depression and PTSD symptoms, I still can't help but feel that this wouldn't have happened if it weren't for the additional stress I feel like I caused him the past few days. How much of it was my fault? We had a wonderful relationship. He wants to find happiness on his own, so I wonder could there be a chance in the future when he is healed?

 

Also, this is my first amicable breakup, so I'm wondering if this is a sign of growth for me as a person? I didn't try to get him to stay, I just said that I understood and would miss him. He said he didn't want to have to do this but he needs to work on getting better. I'm grateful he gave me the opportunity to know what it feels like to be treated the way I want to be treated in a relationship. I'll miss him.

 

I'd love to hear your thoughts.

[d0nnivain]

Service members returning from deployment experience a wide range of negative emotions & sometimes it's very hard for them to reconnect with the civilian world, even with people the care about. In fledgling relationships like yours, 3.5 months, they often find it easier to just end things rather than try to get you to understand. They have a hard time trusting people who haven't been there to understand so they don't talk about it. I know my combat veteran husband keeps the darkest parts of himself from me. I also know he has other vets to talk to so I don't push.

 

All of that could just be BS & he simply doesn't want to be tied down. He liked having a girl back home while he was away but the idea of committing to 1 woman now that he's back is too stifling.

 

It could be you.

 

We simply don't know. He probably will never tell you because he things what he told you was the best way to end things.

 

Accept whatever version will get you through the break up & live your life assuming he's not coming back.

[babysacay]

Service members returning from deployment experience a wide range of negative emotions & sometimes it's very hard for them to reconnect with the civilian world, even with people the care about. In fledgling relationships like yours, 3.5 months, they often find it easier to just end things rather than try to get you to understand. They have a hard time trusting people who haven't been there to understand so they don't talk about it. I know my combat veteran husband keeps the darkest parts of himself from me. I also know he has other vets to talk to so I don't push.

 

All of that could just be BS & he simply doesn't want to be tied down. He liked having a girl back home while he was away but the idea of committing to 1 woman now that he's back is too stifling.

 

It could be you.

 

We simply don't know. He probably will never tell you because he things what he told you was the best way to end things.

 

Accept whatever version will get you through the break up & live your life assuming he's not coming back.

 

I always appreciate your advice, d0nnivain, thank you so much for your response.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

I've never had experience w/someone who suffers from ptsd, but I've been in similar situations. I personally believe the whole finding themselves is utter bs. All the lines he used have been used many many times. People go through many things and stick w/their partner no matter what. Its extremely painful to be in this situation and completely unfair. Let him go, so that you can find someone who will love you. Do what you need to do and try to forget about him. Do not let him use you as a crutch and don't stay friends w/him.

[babysacay]

I've never had experience w/someone who suffers from ptsd' date=' but I've been in similar situations. I personally believe the whole finding themselves is utter bs. All the lines he used have been used many many times. People go through many things and stick w/their partner no matter what. Its extremely painful to be in this situation and completely unfair. Let him go, so that you can find someone who will love you. Do what you need to do and try to forget about him. Do not let him use you as a crutch and don't stay friends w/him.[/quote']

 

Thank you so much for your reply, I'veseenbetterlol. I agree, if someone is serious about a partner, they will stay with them no matter what. I've seen depressed people stay with their partners, no questions asked. If he were serious about me, he would have stayed. That was just his nice way of saying he did not want me. He just wasn't that interested. I'm on Day 3 of NC now.

[babysacay]

Plus, about a month or a month and a half into the relationship, he asked to take things slow and not be intimate as much, even though we were barely intimate. Looking back now, I think that was a red flag. Then he was saying stuff during the break up call about how it was like he was in a midlife crisis, like he wasn't sure where he would live in the future and BS like that. He know I can take my job anywhere and do my job online anywhere if needed. Plus, he was looking for a house in the area he was already living. I just wish he'd been honest with me about not seeing a future with me or having feelings for me or just seeing me as a friend.