Give it time or walk away? "I am not over my last ex"

[Viking]

So, I'm not one to put too much stock in the online dating as it seems so temporary (tinder and bumble mostly, other sites have a different approach/focus/features). Anyway, I matched with a local girl on Bumble and we chatted for two days and I asked for her number and we met up in person. She messaged me in German as I have bilingual and the German flag on my profile.

 

She was really open in the texting stage telling me she was divorced, lived abroad for a number of years, told me she was looking for a husband and asked what I was looking for as well (she said eventually wants to get married and I said the same). We met up and walked my dogs around the park in the city where I work and she lives.

 

After walking for a while, she asked if I wanted to get dinner, so we ate at a local restaurant. I covered the bill as I was enjoying myself (she offered to cover her half). She had to go home kinda early as she works pretty early mornings and seems to have a "routine". We said goodnight, I asked if she wanted to go out again, and we made tentative plans for another outing.

 

We meet up again about four days later (schedules are a bit wonky) and this time I pick her up at her house and treat her to dinner (this one a bit more expensive, but a place she picked out for oysters). We went to a swanky resort bar and had a drink, and then we then went back to her house and she showed me her whole house, upstairs and down, and we just sort of hung out with her dog talking, her telling me about her life and me sort of listening but also contributing to the conversation. She mentioned she was joining the Navy Reserves and had planned her entry into the reserves to coincide with her (now) ex-boyfriend's deployment or other military obligation. She said that they had made long term plans and that it had been a rather serious relationship. It didn't bother me as anyone who is in a committed relationship needs to do this sort of planning. We really didn't talk much about this ex-boyfriend, just a little in covering where she was at relationship-wise.

 

As the night ended, I took the chance and tried to kiss her, but she did not let me. She said she wants to take things slow and that she was not ready. I asked if she was just not interested in me in that way. She said she was, but just needs things to go slowly. I said as long as she's interested in me in that regard, I would like to see her again. We said we'd make another date soon.

 

So about 3-4 days goes by (texting in between) and we go out again with each other. We grabbed lunch as she didn't have evening time available and we spent a few hours just enjoying each other's company talking about job goals, what we want, etc. She has her master's program she is doing and prepping for the reserves, so she had to go to a fitness training seminar for new Navy inductees.

 

Date four, she asks if I want to go for a run and help with her sit ups. I say sure, and am thinking it might be fun to run with her. She showed me around her property and we go for a run. After the running and sit ups, I ask if she wants to get dinner, and I offer to make dinner at my house for her. She comes over and we make dinner sorta together, but I'm doing most of the work as I enjoy cooking. We watch part of a show and she has to take off again because of her schedule. I texted her the next day saying I had fun at dinner and enjoyed her company. She replied that she did too, and then texted me two more times saying, "Dinner was nice, thank you for cooking", then "I think I might still be kinda heart broken and didn't realize that until I started to get to know you", and finally "I'm not sure how you feel about that or how you'd like to proceed..."

 

I texted her back saying "Well I'm sorry to hear that. I don't think a text is the best way to say what I want to say. I don't want to put any pressure on you to feel a certain way. I could stop by after work if you would like." No reply to my text or offer, so I went home after work. About 11pm, she texts asking if I'm awake still (about 1.5hrs after she normally is asleep). I said yeah, what's up. She asked if she could call me, and I said go for it.

 

We then had a 30 minute conversation about dating, where she's at, what I want. She said she did not intend or think she would meet someone who was attractive, smart, and checks off all the boxes she has in mind for a boyfriend/potential match. I told her she's pretty much all I was looking for as well. She basically left it at "we can be friends for the time because she doesn't think she's over her ex. She's not opposed to seeing where things go in the future, but needs time. She also said that she wasn't going to text me as it would give me the wrong impression and would wait to hear from me if I'm interested in the just friends for now aspect". She said she was scared of kissing me because she's not over her ex, but said she wants to date me. Her head tells her to date me, but her heart hasn't caught up yet.

 

I'm lost now as to what I should do. Its been 13 days since we last spoke. I'd like to reach out and see if she's doing any better, or maybe is interested in seeing how things feel. I don't want to come on too strong, and push her away, but 13 days is a long time to not speak to someone you're really interested in. Maybe I got the "lets just be friends" deluxe edition with the phone call and explanation. But I think this might be the exception to that. She's analytical and is probably over thinking the whole situation. I'm not trying to discount her feelings. But I need to know for myself.

 

Any advice on how I should proceed? I think a text along the line (I'm on vacation currently) of "I've been thinking about you and want to see you again. Would you like to go for dinner soon?" and see what she says. Is this a bad idea?

 

Thanks in advance for your advice.

[PRW]

It is kind of a slow moving train wreck. You need to get Corey Wayne's book, "How to be a 3% Man". A half hour into the book and you will see all the mistakes that were made.

 

Anyway, I'll try to point some of them out. You're gonna have to trust me, I know what I'm talking about here,...I've seen it over and over and over.

 

early mornings and seems to have a "routine". We said goodnight, I asked if she wanted to go out again, and we made tentative plans for another outing.

Never talk about making a new date while still on the current date. I'm trying to keep it short so I won't go into why right now. Get the book I mentioned.

 

We meet up again about four days later ..... We went to a swanky resort bar and had a drink, and then we then went back to her house and she showed me her whole house, upstairs and down, and we just sort of hung out with her dog talking, her telling me about her life and me sort of listening but also contributing to the conversation.

I can't tell for sure since there isn't specifics here about what you talked about, but never let them make you their therapist,...that takes you quickly to the friend zone. Change the subject when they start to do that

 

As the night ended, I took the chance and tried to kiss her, but she did not let me. She said she wants to take things slow and that she was not ready. I asked if she was just not interested in me in that way. She said she was, but just needs things to go slowly. I said as long as she's interested in me in that regard, I would like to see her again. We said we'd make another date soon.

1. Great that you went for the kiss

2. She refused because she didn't feel sexual toward you,...she's already moving you toward the friend zone. The "You're such a nice guy, but I just want to be friends" conversation is coming soon.

3. Horrible that you reacted to her refusal to kiss by questioning your value and position to her.

4. "....just needs to take things slowly" means stop texting her for a while. The phone is for making dates,...not visiting or getting to know someone.

5. Absolutely totally horrible that you said "[if] she's interested in me in that regard, I would like to see her again". You gave her all the power with that one, and lost all your power. It is subtle pedestalizing. You are almost pleading for her to be gracious enough to let you have some of her time if she would be so kind as to "like" you enough. I know it doesn't seem like that to you, but that is how it works on her subconsciously after you leave.

6. You again made the mistake of trying to plan another date while still on the current one. You only do that after the two are exclusive and you are officially boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

So about 3-4 days goes by (texting in between)

Stop the texting and contacting in between.

 

"I think I might still be kinda heart broken and didn't realize that until I started to get to know you", and finally "I'm not sure how you feel about that or how you'd like to proceed..."

The friend zone speech is getting closer.

 

I don't want to put any pressure on you to feel a certain way. I could stop by after work if you would like.

You are apologetically asking her to be kind enough to let you spend time with her. I know you may not see it that way, but that is exactly the effect it will have. Not good.

 

She said she did not intend or think she would meet someone who was attractive, smart, and checks off all the boxes she has in mind for a boyfriend/potential match.

She is softening you up for the final blow in hopes it won't upset you as much, as she is about to friend zone you.

 

I told her she's pretty much all I was looking for as well.

Pleading and pedestalizing. The last attempt to hang on.

I know you may not see it that way but you gotta trust me on this.

 

She basically left it at "we can be friends for the time because she doesn't think she's over her ex."

And Boom! there it is,...the "I just want to be friends" speech.

 

 

Get the book I mentioned at the beginning. It is a short book and cheap $20. There is even a way to read it from free online from his web site. It will be the best $20 you ever spent and will change your life. It deals with EXACTLY what you have been through here.

Edited September 27, 2018 by PRW

[PRW]

No you don't contact her. But if she contacts you then that is fine. The whole "we can be friends for the time because she doesn't think she's over her ex" just flat out means STOP. It means "Don't call me,...I'll call you",...and you need to honor it.

 

 

In many cases like this, IF (I said "if") they contact you it seems like it goes one of two ways. They either contact you after 1 or 2 weeks,...but if not it will be over a month, maybe 2 months.

Edited September 27, 2018 by PRW

[Viking]

I guess I left out a particular detail. She commented during our phone call that this does not put me into (her words) "some sort of weird friendzone".

 

I'm not certain she's the same as others when it comes to the let-down but maybe I'm blinded by my attraction.

 

As for becoming her emotional therapist, it was only mentioned twice in the amour of time we spent together. It is just an important part due to the fact that she said she was still somewhat heart broken.

 

I'm not trying to argue about it, but there may have been more emphasis put on it in my posting than in reality.

[PRW]

I guess I left out a particular detail. She commented during our phone call that this does not put me into (her words) "some sort of weird friendzone".

 

I'm not certain she's the same as others when it comes to the let-down but maybe I'm blinded by my attraction.

 

It is a combination of you being blinded by attraction and the fact that women, particularly in a situation like this, never communicate with directness. They are always worried that they are going to "hurt your feelings" and try to avoid it. The term "friend zone" is well known in the dating world for what it is, and she knows that,...and she doesn't like the negativity of it, so she is trying to soften it up. But it still is what it is. Think of her bahavor as a good thing here,...she is worried about your feelings, and emotions and feelings are more important to a woman than to a man.

 

As for becoming her emotional therapist, it was only mentioned twice in the amour of time we spent together. It is just an important part due to the fact that she said she was still somewhat heart broken.

I understand and that is why I commented that I didn't have a lot of details to go by on that one,...but I think you understand my point.

 

If she has enough attraction toward you she will probably contact you eventually. You have to let the cake bake and don't keep opening the oven door to look at it. It is important that she starts to miss you a little bit. Men have a hard time understanding that a woman does not fall in love with you by being with you,...it happens during the in between times when they are not with you and are thinking about you. The negative emotions fade and the positive emotions bubble to the top. If you keep interrupting the process then it just falls apart.

 

 

When/If she contacts you,...no dithering around,...no apologizing,...no running around in circles,...no beating around the bush,...just make a date, period. No "maybe dates". No "would you like to...". No "Do you want to...". Just offer a specific date with a specific time/place/day. No wishy-washy stuff. Be the leader in the situation. Treat it like you are offering her an opportunity to spend time with you (the opposite of how you were treating it before)

Edited September 27, 2018 by PRW

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you'd be wise to walk away from this one, OP. She isn't overthinking. She just knows she isn't ready for another man in her life.

 

She is very much putting you in the Friend Zone, so to speak, but doesn't know how to be direct about it. She knows you're a great candidate for a relationship on paper, but she either isn't ready or isn't feeling it the way you did. She initially tried to take the "easier" way out by just texting you that, but when you suggested going to see her she compromised by calling instead. It's not the deluxe edition, really, just a woman who knows that offering more details than a text could provide was the least she could do.

 

I know it's a disappointment, but at least you found out early on.

[Interstellar]

It’s good that you went after the kiss. She failed it. But look at the time, money, confusion, bs mixed signals and energy you don’t have to put yourself through.

 

Honestly at this point, I’ll block her number and start collecting other digits. I know it’s hard bec. she’s a knockout, as a man I understand what you’re going through but this woman is History.

[PRW]

Honestly at this point, I’ll block her number

 

Why!?!? She didn't do anything wrong? That is childish. She just went out with a guy,...thinks he is "ok" and a decent person,...but just doesn't want to date him. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. She isn't chasing him, isn't hounding him, isn't peeking in his windows at night. It is the OP asking if he should pursue her,...not the other way around.

 

If he blocks her, then how is she supposed to contact him later if she wants them to get together?,...and there is nothing wrong with her wanting to do that either,...and it seems to be what the OP is hoping will happen anyway.