annalilian26 Posted September 27, 2018 Posted September 27, 2018 I was in a 7 year relationship from 17-24 and next April I would have been single for four years. I don't have any difficulties getting dates when I am interested in a guy, however nothing has ever turned into a committed relationship as I haven't met anyone who has treated me as well as I would like. It seems that the guys I have found myself getting involved with are quite unstable (substance abuse issues, issues with mental illness that they won't address) and behaved quite disrespectfully/borderline emotionally abusive with me so I have had to end things going any further. I don't like putting my ex partner on a pedestal or comparing the men I date to him, but he was a good man who really appreciated me and was a very caring and supportive partner, so it has been hard to go from that to a guy who puts me down, gaslights or cancels on me last minute all the time. I feel I am at the stage of my life where I want to find another good man to partner up with and feel like a failure for not finding this when everyone else I know has entered new relationships in this duration of time (even many of those unpleasant guys I dated have!). I am also beginning feel like maybe it is too much to expect someone to treat me as well as my ex did, however my parents tell me that this is ridiculous. My sister in law tells me to relax, have fun and enjoy spending the rest of my 20s single after such a long relationship, as this the only time I will have to myself until I meet someone. Am I just overthinking all of this?
OnlyHonesty Posted September 27, 2018 Posted September 27, 2018 It's a paradox....if you feel like a failure, than all you will meet are other failures and you will not find what you seek. This is because instead of focusing on what you already have, you are focusing on what you lack. Would you be interested in dating a man that saw himself as a failure? Until you feel complete with no other, you will be less likely to meet another. 2
Sarah_Smiles Posted September 27, 2018 Posted September 27, 2018 Do you think you are self-sabotaging with all these types of men?
AnnaN88 Posted September 27, 2018 Posted September 27, 2018 You should not feel like a failure for being single for so long. I am single and most of my friends are single as well, mainly because it is very difficult to find someone interested in a long term relationship. There is such a casual vibe on the dating scene nowadays, so finding a meaningful connection is something really rare, especially if you live in a big city. How do you meet guys? Online dating? I have been online on and off for almost 3 years and I have never managed to find someone who was really interested in a relationship. Most of the guys were either looking for something casual or had commitment issuers etc. My advise will be to try to socialise more in real life, try to meet people at work, at the gym, exhibitions, sports events. That’s what I am trying to do as well. Good luck!
damni Posted September 27, 2018 Posted September 27, 2018 What I find interesting is WHY you are attracting the men with substance misuse issues/mental health issues. Are they men in your inner circle? online dating? It is good you are cutting these men loose but maybe you could do it sooner if it seems you are dating them for a while? I was in a similar situation to you, except I am a single mom. Single age 25 and next 4 years spent dating and running into duds, men who were just after sex...men who weren't over their exs etc. I finally met a 'nice guy' who I liked! going through all this made me appreciate him more. Advice? cut these unsuitable men out quickly, if they are not up to your standard let them go. Figure out why you keep attracting men with issues, are you too forgiving? too willing overlook things? well stop.
Chilli Posted September 27, 2018 Posted September 27, 2018 Nah , no need to feel like a failure at all. You've had one steady relationship that's not bad for your age . And so since then you've been smart enough to not waste time starting up another 15 of them with dead ends like a lotta people seem to do. You've waited and been wise about it. Pat yourself on the back l say. At your age and with this gap between now and your last relationship , really your just about due to meet the right guy again so l wouldn't worry he's probably not too far off. Just keep being true to yourself and when he comes along you'll be ready. Good luck
mortensorchid Posted September 28, 2018 Posted September 28, 2018 Sweetheart, I am 20 years older than you and I have have the same grievances and HAVE HAD the same grievances as you. Does it get better? Well, no it doesn't. But you should look at things this way ... Happiness - The ultimate goal in life for all of us is to be happy. My track record is just as bad as yours I bet. As an adult (as in after high school) I have been in 4 LTRs (or 3 1/2 depending on the last one which lasted 6 months). In every case, all of them stuck around for about a year and a half / two years, decided they did not want to make a commitment, treated me rather badly, dumped me, rebounded and barely a year later married (or in the 1/2 case) got into another LTR with another woman. This other woman who they ended up with was the wrong person for them, to be sure. This other woman was a rather crazy, destructive train wreck who ended up taking him for a ride and cleaning them out emotionally and financially. That's not your definition of happiness. Think of it as having someone do you a favor in passing you up for the woman they truly deserved.
d0nnivain Posted September 28, 2018 Posted September 28, 2018 I was 39 when I met Mr. Right. He was worth waiting for. Do relax about the search process & enjoy it. It's not a race. When you calm down & have a little fun, he'll appear. Meanwhile don't lower your standards. 1
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