MindYourBusiness Posted September 27, 2018 Posted September 27, 2018 Hi guys, I was in a great relationship for almost 5 years before I decided to go separate ways with my ex. At that time I moved to LA for a job opportunity and I just felt like we grew in different directions and had different ideas of how life should be. Right after that I was in a really toxic relationship for almost a year ( I know, way too soon after that), which ended this year in January. All of the sudden I feel extreme regret about that break up from my 5 year partner. Looking back everything was perfect and I had everything one could wish for. I can't have him back. He moved on and has a new girlfriend. I am just trying to make sense of why I am feeling like this all of the sudden? Am I just lonely or lost? How should I cope? I feel lost and depressed.
planb1973 Posted September 27, 2018 Posted September 27, 2018 When relationships end, even toxic ones, there is a feeling of loss. Especially when toxic relationships end emotions are at full throttle, leaving you questioning yourself. Questioning yourself and wondering what when wrong., Totally normal in my book to wander back to past relationships almost to seek answers to what went wrong this time. Your 5 year relationship ended for a reason. You will remember this in time.
Author MindYourBusiness Posted September 27, 2018 Author Posted September 27, 2018 When relationships end, even toxic ones, there is a feeling of loss. Especially when toxic relationships end emotions are at full throttle, leaving you questioning yourself. Questioning yourself and wondering what when wrong., Totally normal in my book to wander back to past relationships almost to seek answers to what went wrong this time. Your 5 year relationship ended for a reason. You will remember this in time. That relationship wasn't toxic at all looking back. I just thought he is not the one so I moved on and ended up in a toxic one. Now I am questioning everything, including myself.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 27, 2018 Posted September 27, 2018 That relationship wasn't toxic at all looking back. I just thought he is not the one so I moved on and ended up in a toxic one. Now I am questioning everything, including myself. Yes, I think that is exactly what planb is saying. Your 5-year relationship wasn't toxic, but the one that came after it was - and that can lead people to doubt themselves. Obviously your previous relationship wasn't perfect for you, or you wouldn't have let it go and decided to move on. You knew that it was no longer what you wanted. Now that you're comparing him to your toxic ex, he seems like Mr. Right, of course. But he wasn't, not for you. My guess is that you're struggling with single-hood after having been in relationships for the last years. Perhaps it's a sense of loneliness driving this. But keep in mind, you likely had very valid reasons for ending with your previous ex. Had the subsequent guy not been a toxic person, would you still be this nostalgic for your ex? Probably not. 2
usa1ah Posted September 27, 2018 Posted September 27, 2018 I think your growing up. Your starting to realize to hold onto the good things in your life, even if it means passing up somethings. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. I hope you find peace with your choices. 1
Zahara Posted September 27, 2018 Posted September 27, 2018 Based on your recent thread you noted that you just ended a brief courtship as well and you’re again feeling disappointed. I think when you encounter these types of situations, you’ll often think back/regret the potential good that you once experienced and feel the loss for letting it go. It’s very normal. You’re feeling lonely and defeated and often times it leads you back to reminiscing about what could have been. You’re wondering if life could have been better and maybe if you stayed, you wouldn’t have had to experience all this pain. It’s hard not to compare when you’ve been disappointed over and over again. It’s not uncommon to feel regret.
Dreamer2017 Posted September 27, 2018 Posted September 27, 2018 Dear Lenila1992, I believe while you were in your five years’ relationship, you thought you were missing something, and life was greener on the other side. You might have wanted to experience other things and other people. Now you have time to reflect and compare the old and the new. You now know that you gave up something good and replaced it with something subpar. What you are experiencing is a life experience. All you can do now is learn from it. Best, Dreamer
Author MindYourBusiness Posted September 27, 2018 Author Posted September 27, 2018 Dear Lenila1992, I believe while you were in your five years’ relationship, you thought you were missing something, and life was greener on the other side. You might have wanted to experience other things and other people. Now you have time to reflect and compare the old and the new. You now know that you gave up something good and replaced it with something subpar. What you are experiencing is a life experience. All you can do now is learn from it. Best, Dreamer Yes, that exactly how I felt. I was only 22. I come from a small town where I always felt like I can't do what I wanna do career wise so the relationship was all that kept me there until one day where I felt deeply unhappy and left. Now I am so sad..I can't live with it.
BC1980 Posted September 28, 2018 Posted September 28, 2018 That sounds normal. You are wonderful if the grass really was greener. Also, the more distance you get from a situation, the more you idealize the past. The more you forget the negatives.
Author MindYourBusiness Posted September 29, 2018 Author Posted September 29, 2018 What can I do to get out of this situation? I am feeling so so lost:(
preraph Posted September 29, 2018 Posted September 29, 2018 He wasn't perfect or else you wouldn't have felt the relationship has fizzled. It fizzled. He's just better than the next one was. Don't go backwards. And you may think differently about it sometime in the future. Many years after I broke up with someone I let him know part of it was my fault (it was over him spending too much unnecessary time with his wife while they were divorcing). I realized I was in no head space to have a relationship. But then months after that, I remembered he's the one who pressured me into the relationship despite that he was going through a divorce and I had just had a heartbreaking breakup, so I put most of the blame back on him.
Author MindYourBusiness Posted September 30, 2018 Author Posted September 30, 2018 He wasn't perfect or else you wouldn't have felt the relationship has fizzled. It fizzled. He's just better than the next one was. Don't go backwards. And you may think differently about it sometime in the future. Many years after I broke up with someone I let him know part of it was my fault (it was over him spending too much unnecessary time with his wife while they were divorcing). I realized I was in no head space to have a relationship. But then months after that, I remembered he's the one who pressured me into the relationship despite that he was going through a divorce and I had just had a heartbreaking breakup, so I put most of the blame back on him. I don't know how to snap out of it. I have been crying since I woke up this morning. I feel like I will never meet a person like him again.
biswadeepmondal Posted September 30, 2018 Posted September 30, 2018 I don't know how to snap out of it. I have been crying since I woke up this morning. I feel like I will never meet a person like him again. Karma is bitch, anyways don't fret, forgive yourself, think in this way that you were to too young to understand the situation at that point of time when you left for LA and you did your best of your knowledge at that moment. See this is life and yes, no matter how much people say we always have few regrets and we learn to accept and grow up with it. We all **** up at some point or the other and it's okay to do so but now, its totally stupid to go back and feel sad about it. This incident doesn't make you a horrible person as you might be feeling right now. Just relax, let life take its own course, learn from this incident and be careful in future.
Author MindYourBusiness Posted September 30, 2018 Author Posted September 30, 2018 Karma is bitch, anyways don't fret, forgive yourself, think in this way that you were to too young to understand the situation at that point of time when you left for LA and you did your best of your knowledge at that moment. See this is life and yes, no matter how much people say we always have few regrets and we learn to accept and grow up with it. We all **** up at some point or the other and it's okay to do so but now, its totally stupid to go back and feel sad about it. This incident doesn't make you a horrible person as you might be feeling right now. Just relax, let life take its own course, learn from this incident and be careful in future. But I can't move on. I honestly feel depressed. I am in a really dark place right now.
biswadeepmondal Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 But I can't move on. I honestly feel depressed. I am in a really dark place right now. Hey Lenila1992, Yes it is absolutely normal to feel depressed and lonely in the dark, the world seems to crash all around you and you dont feel like leaving your room and interacting much with people around but let me tell you that you that this too shall pass one day, and even deep down inside you know that this seclusion is very unhealthy and you know there is light some where outside. Mate, you have so many things left to do and achieve, you moved out of small town obviously to fulfill your dreams so don't give up. Trust me you will be completely fine and you will find happiness once again. The current situation you are in doesn't define your destination. You can do wonders and you can be in happy, fulfilling relationship once again, with someone who will understand you with your regrets, be compassionate and accept the way you are. It's never too late my friend. Assuming you are working and away from family try these steps for more positivity - 1. Practice gratitude - believe me it helps a lot( coz I been there and learned like you are now) - Simply help people around you, your co-workers, strangers asking for direction on road, old people in subway station or your neighbours. 2. Head out - Don't stay indoor, leave bed as early as possible just get your bum moving, go sit in a park, jog, go for a run, just do and don't sit idle. 3. Speak on phone - Speak to your mom, friends, or any old friends with whom you have lost touch with and simply stop telling your sob story over and over to them again instead listen them and if possible help them. Start with these 3 steps and try this for only a week and tell us how you are doing Cheers and good luck to you
Author MindYourBusiness Posted October 1, 2018 Author Posted October 1, 2018 Hey Lenila1992, Yes it is absolutely normal to feel depressed and lonely in the dark, the world seems to crash all around you and you dont feel like leaving your room and interacting much with people around but let me tell you that you that this too shall pass one day, and even deep down inside you know that this seclusion is very unhealthy and you know there is light some where outside. Mate, you have so many things left to do and achieve, you moved out of small town obviously to fulfill your dreams so don't give up. Trust me you will be completely fine and you will find happiness once again. The current situation you are in doesn't define your destination. You can do wonders and you can be in happy, fulfilling relationship once again, with someone who will understand you with your regrets, be compassionate and accept the way you are. It's never too late my friend. Assuming you are working and away from family try these steps for more positivity - 1. Practice gratitude - believe me it helps a lot( coz I been there and learned like you are now) - Simply help people around you, your co-workers, strangers asking for direction on road, old people in subway station or your neighbours. 2. Head out - Don't stay indoor, leave bed as early as possible just get your bum moving, go sit in a park, jog, go for a run, just do and don't sit idle. 3. Speak on phone - Speak to your mom, friends, or any old friends with whom you have lost touch with and simply stop telling your sob story over and over to them again instead listen them and if possible help them. Start with these 3 steps and try this for only a week and tell us how you are doing Cheers and good luck to you thank you so much, I will definitely try that out. I am still feeling horrible. It doesn't make sense..
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