horatioblack Posted September 27, 2018 Posted September 27, 2018 Strap in guys, this is a long story but I really think you need all the information for context. Background: my friend (we’ll call him John) has been through a lot of **** - both in his dating life and in general. Most of the people he’s dated or been in a relationship with have been through a lot of trauma or had serious mental health problems, so I think his romantic life has been really heavy for him. He thinks he’s really unattractive and had previously said to me that he’s not used to getting attention from anybody. I think he’s just down on himself, as I’ve noticed him getting a lot of attention - I think he just doesn’t notice when someone is flirting with him. Enter: Sarah. She got in touch with him on a dating app and was really keen right from the off. She was messaging him all the time and telling him about how much they have in common - saying they worked in similar fields, had similar interests, etc. She found him on facebook and they started messaging on there, and he got really into her really quickly. She’d just moved to the area and wanted to meet up, which they did. They started going on dates a few times a week, but something about the things he was saying seemed really off to me. Frankly, if they hadn’t been meeting up IRL, I’d be calling her a catfish. She’s not from this country, and she has a job back in her home country - the kind of job that let her take four months off with full pay to come here. He’s also referred to her by about three different job titles (I’m trying not to be too specific but they’re as different as saying she’s both a doctor and a paralegal - with that level of skill required for each), but then he said she’s also an intern? She returned home about a month ago to go back to her job, which is also apparently a short internship; however now she’s moving back here in a month. This was apparently the same job that was waiting for her for months. She also says she’s a very private person - which is absolutely fine and I totally understand, BUT. Her facebook profile is completely empty (or so she claims). There is *nothing* - no photos, no wall posts, you can’t see her friends list - and her profile pic looks like a passport-style photo. I thought maybe she just didn’t want to share her full profile with me, but then my friend said “oh no it’s just completely empty”. She also apparently uses twitter quite a lot, but will completely wipe her account and set up a new one every six months, which she says is for “privacy”. He said she’s had a stalker before and also went through a difficult breakup, so I can understand wanting a certain amount of privacy, but I just think there’s something weird about it. The main reasons I’m getting a weird vibe though are her behaviour. She pretty much doesn’t speak to him in person. They go on dates and they’ll talk a bit, but the majority of their relationship takes place in messages. I’ve hung out with them a few times and she literally doesn’t interact with him, she just sits on her phone. I asked him about it because I thought she might have been uncomfortable with being around me as she doesn’t know me, but he said she does that with him all the time. She sexts him and sends him nudes but has made out with him exactly twice, says she “doesn’t like kissing” and “isn’t into sex” but tells him about the sex she was having with previous people she dated. When they have emotional conversations, they’re always led by him and she more or less gets him to tell her what he wants to hear and then says that (I’ve seen screenshots). She’s also flat-out told him that when she gets bored with a guy she’ll just ghost him. They’re also in the “let’s not put labels on it” phase, but when she’s been around me and others she’s been frequently referring to him as her friend. There is a lot more stuff that’s red flag territory but I don’t want to make this post too long (or give too many identifying details!) I already told him I was worried and brought all this stuff up, but he said he wasn’t naive and he believed she was being completely honest with him. There was also this dumb thing between me and her, and I told him about it, then when he asked her about it she lied and said it never happened. I told him this was evidence that she’s lying about stuff - even if it’s only trivial **** like that - but he wouldn’t hear it. He’s just insisting it was a misunderstanding (it wasn’t). I don’t really care about what happened, it’s just proof that she’s not as honest as he thinks she is. I know it’s not about money (he’s broke), but he’s basically told me he’s in love with her and I cannot figure out what’s going on. I’m really worried about him, I think he’s going to get his heart broken. If it was just that I’d leave it alone, but he’s talking about quitting his job and moving to her country with her. Am I going insane, here? Is this all normal and I’m the one who’s got it wrong?
Larry56 Posted September 27, 2018 Posted September 27, 2018 She's probably using him (maybe wants a green card). Probably lying about most of her achievements if she has a facebook with NO evidence to the contrary. Women can smell prey (guys with low-self esteem) from a mile away. Easy to control/use. The fact she doesn't like being intimate with this guy SAYS ALOT to me. How old are these two?
Author horatioblack Posted September 27, 2018 Author Posted September 27, 2018 He’s 26, she says she’s 25 but looks like she could be older. Looking at her I’d have guessed 30s tbh.
icarus tenshi Posted September 27, 2018 Posted September 27, 2018 Not worth it. tell your friend to stay away from her asap. I brought on of these overseas girl and she left me after a year for a man with bigger pockets!
Larry56 Posted September 27, 2018 Posted September 27, 2018 He's in love with her looks...he's not in love with who she is as a person because she doesn't have a personality. I would say that the fact she is making excuses for them not being intimate...is a red flag to a playboy like Larry. She's using him for energy/attention...that at least I know. Probably placing her bets on a number of different blackjack boards.
shydad Posted September 27, 2018 Posted September 27, 2018 Am I going insane, here? Is this all normal and I’m the one who’s got it wrong? No, you are not going insane. It's not normal. It's not healthy. You've got it all right. With that said, you're an awesome friend to be so concerned and to provide so much detail here. Everything you've said seems dead on. Sorry, but if he's in love with her, he's screwed. He'll do whatever she says, ignore red flags, plus ignore anything cautionary you say. I know because that was me eleven years ago. Let's hope she gets bored of him so she can ghost him, as she has done to past men. My advice to you is to not piss off your friend and ruin your friendship with him. As of right now, his devotion is to this woman who is toying with him. Whatever your standing was with him before is no longer the same (at least while he's infatuated with this woman). If you keep your cool, when whatever happens happens, if he's still around (as in hasn't left the country with her), your friendship should still be solid. However, if he perceives that you are dumping on his love interest, it might not go so well... I advise caution, and have realistic expectations of what you can actually accomplish right now.
Nadine123 Posted September 27, 2018 Posted September 27, 2018 I think I'm going to go against the norm here and say there's nothing abnormal but good for you for being a caring friend and worrying about your friend 1) There is nothing wrong with the facebook situation. As a person who has been seriously stalked before, I am not off social media completely and only use messenger. Before that, my account was completely private but then I figured out people can still access my photos. 2) She might wait to get intimate because she has a previous bad experience in terms of sex or might have gone through trauma. 3) As you said, this isn't about money, so why would she use him? I don't know where you're based so I don't know about the green card situation. I have to admit the whole job thing is pretty weird, so maybe investigate that. I would find it weird if a person I'm dating is lying about their job or what they do all the time. Good luck
PRW Posted September 27, 2018 Posted September 27, 2018 Here's what you and he need to know: Marrying Medusa: How to Survive a Female Psychopath | Anthony Dream Johnson | Full Length HD
kendahke Posted September 27, 2018 Posted September 27, 2018 Bottom line: as long as your boy wants to deal with her, he's going to deal with her despite how you feel about things. So it's best you exit from the middle of his business and let him get on with dealing with her---and you find something else to interest you. He will choose her over you if you make a stink about anything. 1
OnlyHonesty Posted September 27, 2018 Posted September 27, 2018 There is nothing you can say that will make a difference. You will just need to sit back and watch the train derail. If you do try to push the matter, he will just leave you and choose her over you. Some of us just need to learn the hard way, but in his case it may take at least 5 times or more before he learns his lesson. 1
smackie9 Posted September 27, 2018 Posted September 27, 2018 He's an adult, he's going to do whatever he wants to do. You have already expressed your concerns? that is all you can do about it. Hopefully one day he will realize he's the train wreck, because of his poor choices he makes.
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