MrMr Posted September 26, 2018 Posted September 26, 2018 (edited) This overlaps with my other thread, sorry, but I really wanted to know your opinions. I went to my exs apartment(seperated for 2 weeks) unnanounced and knocked on her door. She immediately let me in and we talked for two hours straight. She even told me that I can take a shower and wanted to call of a meeting with a female friend to hang out with me longer. But I couldn't handle her presence any longer and left in tears. She said: Please reach out when you're able. Look you faced your fears and I didn't turn you down. One week later she changed her phone number. Two weeks later an e-mail from her came: (from german) sth like: I really hope you are feeling better and will be stable again soon. Then she turned: The day you came to my place unnanounced really bothered me. She said I was something like a stalker. Then she continued: We can talk or write but I want my boundaries to be respected. I was baffled. Call me stalker but "we can talk or write" I waited then days and wrote back: At the moment I cannot talk or write. Maybe in a few months. All the best... Then she raged: ......it wasn't me who crossed your boundaries it was you who crossed mine. At least be honest and admit it. And don't make me look like the guilty one here. I replied in all detail that I absolutely cannot understand her reaction and that we talked for two hours and everything was fine. Told her the shower thing etc. She didn't even bother to reply to that. She went straight back to the other message(maybe in a few months) I mean this message! Don't act like I bothered you! Thoughts? Edited September 26, 2018 by MrMr
preraph Posted September 26, 2018 Posted September 26, 2018 She feels sorry for you because you're not coping well, so she was being nice about it, but she's not going to get back together with you. obviously you crossed a boundary when you just showed up over there. She talked to you and tried to reason with you, but she now realizes you are not accepting the reality of the situation, and she is letting you know you can't just keep pushing into her life. Now that she has told you, you need to leave her alone. Her telling you that she hopes you feel better and you can talk sometime in the future after you calm down is just her hoping that you will calm down and accept reality and go on about your life. it is not in any way an invitation to get back together with you at any point in the future. she is worried about you but she is not going to let you control her and push your way back into her life just because she is worried about you. I'm sure she wishes you the best, but this is your own problem to deal with going forward. She's done. You need to act mature and get on with your life. I hope you stop hurting soon. 1
Zahara Posted September 26, 2018 Posted September 26, 2018 I read your other thread. You need to cut contact with her and move on. She sounds destructive and manipulative. And you are engaging in unhealthy behavior yourself. If she's hung up on her ex, then let her go. Stop trying to find solace and comfort in her when all she will only give you is pain. Change your number. Block her. You need to take care of yourself.
Author MrMr Posted September 26, 2018 Author Posted September 26, 2018 No i forgot to add. I knew it was over. I just wanted to talk to her one last time. I didn't want to get her back. But why let me shower if I want and she wante to call off a meeting with a female friend as well. Made no sense. As stated in my other thread: She was in therapy for borderline/npd.
Zahara Posted September 26, 2018 Posted September 26, 2018 As stated in my other thread: She was in therapy for borderline/npd. So you knew this about her when you were dating her and you justified it as her just being different. With this knowledge in hand, you need to walk away completely. I'm not sure why you needed to talk to her one last time. What did you hope to receive from someone suffering from personality disorders?
Author MrMr Posted September 26, 2018 Author Posted September 26, 2018 I knew that she was in treatment for burnout. At the beginning she said something like"I need drama in a relationship or I get bored, that's nuts isn't it?" "and what do you want with a crazy one like me" I didn't think much about it. I think in the beginning of the therapy she didn't even know what was wrong with her. Her ex owed her 3000 euros, that he didn't want to give back to her. She met him a few times(during our break and after our breakup) but she said he won't give her the money. she even sobbed one time that she thinks he cannot act differently because he has problems too. And during our relationship she continually said "he just keeps the money that he still has a reason to reach out". I ignored it
Zahara Posted September 26, 2018 Posted September 26, 2018 I knew that she was in treatment for burnout. At the beginning she said something like"I need drama in a relationship or I get bored, that's nuts isn't it?" "and what do you want with a crazy one like me" I didn't think much about it. I think in the beginning of the therapy she didn't even know what was wrong with her. Her ex owed her 3000 euros, that he didn't want to give back to her. She met him a few times(during our break and after our breakup) but she said he won't give her the money. she even sobbed one time that she thinks he cannot act differently because he has problems too. And during our relationship she continually said "he just keeps the money that he still has a reason to reach out". I ignored it What are you doing to self-preserve -- to protect yourself from being in contact with her again?
Mardelis Posted September 26, 2018 Posted September 26, 2018 Yes she let you in and you talked for hours and all of that. It doesn't change the fact that you are crossing boundary issues, given the state of your nonrelationship. You have no business showing up at her place unnanounced. 1
Author MrMr Posted September 26, 2018 Author Posted September 26, 2018 ok guys, i agree. I should have called first or at least rang her bell downstairs @zahara: I stay no contact from now on. 1
Mardelis Posted September 26, 2018 Posted September 26, 2018 ok guys, i agree. I should have called first or at least rang her bell downstairs Wrong! Unless that smiley face icon is your way of saying that's a joke. You just don't get it. You have no business going to her house unannouced. Your actions amount to stalking and she has clearly stated that she is uncomfortable with you showing up without prior notice. Prior notice does not mean "ringing the bell". 1
Author MrMr Posted September 26, 2018 Author Posted September 26, 2018 She told me that afterwards. One week after. Not before I went. I would have never showed up in the first place. Come on, wasn't that obvious?
Mardelis Posted September 26, 2018 Posted September 26, 2018 She told me that afterwards. One week after. Not before I went. I would have never showed up in the first place. Come on, wasn't that obvious? It's obvious that now, after the fact, you STILL think that if she hadn't specifically told you not to show up unannounced, that it would have been perfectly ok to do so. It's not.
BC1980 Posted September 26, 2018 Posted September 26, 2018 This is basically an example of why you should cut contact after a breakup. There are too many emotions. Showing up at someone's house unannounced is overstepping a boundary. She obviously has boundary issues too, but you have to control what you can control. Don't engage with her anymore.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 26, 2018 Posted September 26, 2018 No i forgot to add. I knew it was over. I just wanted to talk to her one last time. I didn't want to get her back. But why let me shower if I want and she wante to call off a meeting with a female friend as well. Made no sense. As stated in my other thread: She was in therapy for borderline/npd. OP, my ex is BPD as well. Given that you know this about your ex, you should also already know that a hallmark of the condition is erratic and seemingly illogical behaviour and rapidly-shifting moods. I am not sure why you don't see that as more relevant to this particular discussion, and her apparently being fine with your visit one day and not fine the next. Having said that, she is still certainly entitled to feel imposed upon when you show up uninvited and unannounced. She is still absolutely entitled to define her own boundaries. I am not sure what you were thinking by not at least contacting her first to see if she'd be in the mood for a visit, but now you know it wasn't a good idea. Who is right or wrong isn't even important anymore, really. The point is that the relationship is over and sounds like it's for the best. 1
Author MrMr Posted September 29, 2018 Author Posted September 29, 2018 We're back together! Sometimes fate really is awesome. I reached out and talked to her again and she said that the feelings for her ex were causes by trauma because he stole her money. But for me she only has good feelings. She's in therapy and continues to work on her issues and I will work on my core trauma childhood problems. Thanks for your support. Bye!
Mardelis Posted September 29, 2018 Posted September 29, 2018 Thanks for the update. If you're still reading I'll offer one last bit of advice. Chill out a bit.
guest569 Posted September 29, 2018 Posted September 29, 2018 We're back together! Sometimes fate really is awesome. I reached out and talked to her again and she said that the feelings for her ex were causes by trauma because he stole her money. But for me she only has good feelings. She's in therapy and continues to work on her issues and I will work on my core trauma childhood problems. Thanks for your support. Bye! Im a little late but personally I don't see it as a boundary violation to go and knock on someone's door. Unless it's at an inappropriate hour I guess. You were apart for 2 weeks at the time which is not long. She let you in. No big deal. I don't know what else to say but hope things work out well for you both.
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