Occitanie Posted September 26, 2018 Posted September 26, 2018 I know there’s a really big chance that the relationship is over. I told her that I appreciated her honesty about how she’s feeling, that she’s clearly under a lot of pressure, that I understand that she isn’t used to being in a relationship. I told her it would be best if she took the time to think about herself and what she wants, and that I’m not angry at her (which I’m not). I think it’s the best for us.
Fair Posted September 26, 2018 Posted September 26, 2018 I know there’s a really big chance that the relationship is over. I told her that I appreciated her honesty about how she’s feeling, that she’s clearly under a lot of pressure, that I understand that she isn’t used to being in a relationship. I told her it would be best if she took the time to think about herself and what she wants, and that I’m not angry at her (which I’m not). I think it’s the best for us. What's your question?
Author Occitanie Posted September 26, 2018 Author Posted September 26, 2018 What's your question? I haven’t got one really... I just needed to get this off my chest. I know she’s said she doesnt need space, but I think some time apart will do some good.
PRW Posted September 26, 2018 Posted September 26, 2018 (edited) I told her that I appreciated her honesty about how she’s feeling, that she’s clearly under a lot of pressure, that I understand that she isn’t used to being in a relationship. I told her it would be best if she took the time to think about herself and what she wants, and that I’m not angry at her (which I’m not). If you want an idea of what is going on,...from those statements. Those can be interpreted to be very patronizing statements. If that is an indication of what the relationship consisted of, then that could be why. Edited September 26, 2018 by PRW
bathtub-row Posted September 26, 2018 Posted September 26, 2018 It hurts to cut someone loose but you probably did the right thing.
d0nnivain Posted September 26, 2018 Posted September 26, 2018 A few hours or maybe a day apart can do a relationship good. More time then that is a break up. Why have you concluded that your GF can't handle whatever is going on in her life that is the cause of this "pressure" plus being in a relationship with you? It sounds like she has competing demands & you are unhappy because other things win out over you. I suspect you think if you force this "break" she will regret that she doesn't prioritize you & come running back. It won't work. Most likely she will resent you for demanding to always come 1st & be happy you are out of her life. It may also depend on what the other things are that she is paying attention to you. You can't expect her to give up school / work for you or shirk any responsibilities she may have for child or elder care. So what is it that she's doing when she's not paying attention to you as much as you want?
PRW Posted September 26, 2018 Posted September 26, 2018 A few hours or maybe a day apart can do a relationship good. More time then that is a break up. Why have you concluded that your GF can't handle whatever is going on in her life that is the cause of this "pressure" plus being in a relationship with you? That kinda touches on what I was getting at by saying the original comments could be taken as patronizing,...and if this was a pattern in the relationship...then the result would be obvious. Break those comments down like this: Original: "she’s clearly under a lot of pressure, that I understand that she isn’t used to being in a relationship" ..."it would be best if she took the time to think about herself and what she wants, and that I’m not angry at her" Can easily translate into him saying this to her: "You don't have the skills to be in a relationship and are crumbing under the pressure because you don't know yourself very well and don't know what you want,...it's worthy of me being mad at you about it, but I'm taking the high road and choosing not to be mad. It is an almost "all your fault, not my fault" kind of thing. Hey, I'm not adamant that I'm right here, but it is something to consider. 1
Author Occitanie Posted October 3, 2018 Author Posted October 3, 2018 Things have been going well recently: she sent me a message on Monday morning saying thanks to me for being patient and if I was interested in some dinner with a couple friends. Anyway, she’s on an internship till December - this is something she had planned since before we got together. We won’t be seeing eachother much. I think I can get through it. I told her i understood she would be very busy and to get in touch if her schedule freed up and we could organise something. Do you think I should wait till she gets in touch with me?
ExpatInItaly Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 Things have been going well recently: she sent me a message on Monday morning saying thanks to me for being patient and if I was interested in some dinner with a couple friends. Anyway, she’s on an internship till December - this is something she had planned since before we got together. We won’t be seeing eachother much. I think I can get through it. I told her i understood she would be very busy and to get in touch if her schedule freed up and we could organise something. Do you think I should wait till she gets in touch with me? Wait until she contacts you...to do what? Accept her date? (Answer: No, respond to her if you haven't already) Or do you mean wait until she contacts you in general, and leave it to her to do the reaching out while she's on her internship? (Answer: Also no, you need to reciprocate interest reach out to her too) Is this internship in your area, or is she living somewhere else to complete it?
Author Occitanie Posted October 3, 2018 Author Posted October 3, 2018 Wait until she contacts you...to do what? Accept her date? (Answer: No, respond to her if you haven't already) Or do you mean wait until she contacts you in general, and leave it to her to do the reaching out while she's on her internship? (Answer: Also no, you need to reciprocate interest reach out to her too) Is this internship in your area, or is she living somewhere else to complete it? It wasnt exactky a date seeing as two of our friends came along too. She messaged me asking if i was interested in coming along to this asian buffet eith two friends. She’s obviously going to be really busy for 2 months, so the reason i would let her do most of the contacting is to let her do it at her own pace...
Art_Critic Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 It sounds like you are not a couple, then date others... she most likely will also. If you have had a talk about being a couple an only dating each other then what I posted above doesn't count. I wouldn't be too patient, it sounds like you are in a friend zone and not a BF as yet, once in the friend zone it is hard to get out.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 Don't take a too "hands-off" approach to this, OP. She will likely get irritated and assume you're not into her anymore if you leave contact largely up to her. Are you two always this tentative around each other? You sound like you don't know her that well.
Author Occitanie Posted October 3, 2018 Author Posted October 3, 2018 It sounds like you are not a couple, then date others... she most likely will also. If you have had a talk about being a couple an only dating each other then what I posted above doesn't count. I wouldn't be too patient, it sounds like you are in a friend zone and not a BF as yet, once in the friend zone it is hard to get out. Weve been in a couple since June lol
d0nnivain Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 Welcome to adulthood, where people have jobs & their time isn't their own. You do have to understand that she doesn't have as much free time as she used to but she still has some. She doesn't work 24/7. Reach out as you like but don't get all bent when she doesn't immediately respond. Accept her invitation to have dinner with the friends. Talk to her normally. Support her internship & don't make this about you & what you want (attention) when she is trying to get her future in order. It's a job not another man.
Robert Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 2 current running threads have been merged into one for context. Thanks
ExpatInItaly Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 OP, given that this thread has been merged with your previous one, I admit I am completely confused about what sort of relationship you have. You previously said you and your girlfriend were going to take time apart. What happened there? Now you're back together, or still technically apart, or?
Author Occitanie Posted October 3, 2018 Author Posted October 3, 2018 OP, given that this thread has been merged with your previous one, I admit I am completely confused about what sort of relationship you have. You previously said you and your girlfriend were going to take time apart. What happened there? Now you're back together, or still technically apart, or? It wasnt to take time apart... I wanted to give her some space. Anyway, I got in touch Monday, she thanked me for my patience and asked if I would be up for dinner together with a couple friends. When we got home at 11pm she said she had to give blood at 7 am so she went back to her’s which is an hour away. She gave me a couple kisses and went. We are in a relationship, but she has an internship that will last till December.
Author Occitanie Posted October 8, 2018 Author Posted October 8, 2018 Update: I followed the advice of letting my GF get in touch with me. I hadn't heard from her in 5 days, until this morning. She has sent me a link via FaceBook Messenger. I don’t know what it is yet, but I'm just going to say something like: “Hey its great to hear from you. I would love to see you, when are you free?”
ExpatInItaly Posted October 8, 2018 Posted October 8, 2018 Update: I followed the advice of letting my GF get in touch with me. I hadn't heard from her in 5 days, until this morning. She has sent me a link via FaceBook Messenger. I don’t know what it is yet, but I'm just going to say something like: “Hey its great to hear from you. I would love to see you, when are you free?” You don't have much of a relationship if you go that long without talking, to be honest. You need to pull up your socks if you want to keep this girl, OP. Letting 5 days pass with no word from you is going make her think you're not interested. I get that she hasn't been in touch with you either, but she was probably wondering where you went, too. The communication between you two isn't very solid and this current approach will spell the end of things if you both keep dancing around each other like you've just met rather than an official, exclusive couple. 1
Author Occitanie Posted October 12, 2018 Author Posted October 12, 2018 Thought I might as well keep you guys up to date: Backing off a little and letting my GF contact me at her own pace has certainly helped. She gets in toucu every couple of days. I also initiate conversations too. She says she’s likely to come see me next week, and has asked several times that she would like us to go travelling together at some point. She sounds enthusiastic about it - especially when I suggested the Amalfi Coast. I think over pursuing is where I got it wrong. It could’ve gone bad if I had been texting her the same amount as before.
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