Is the spark necessary for a long-term relationship?

[Aimée]

I've been trying to get back with someone for quite a while. He had dated a girl after me but as they were in a long-distance relationship and he wasn't the greatest communicator she broke up with him. He moves to Europe and starts working on his Master there. After a years she contacted him and asked if she could visit him for a stopover on her way to Northafrica where she had to work for a project. He later followed her to the same country as he is in the same field and also had some work to do there. He broke up with her a couple of months ago because he was working on his master thesis and he thought she was too demanding, she wanted to talk with him too often (she prefered more than once a day and that was too much for him) and also pushed him to visit her in the States.

 

I always thought that this was just some bogus relationship because it was always her who initiated the relationships and never him. As I'm stupid and obsessive I started to google her name. The results are disheartening. I've come to realize that she is probably a pretty nice person who shares the same love for this country (they both have spent considerable time there, studying and working), they are both in the same working field (compare it to two sinologists who work in China), they also share the same cultural background (they're both from the West coast), she's getting her PhD from an Ivy League university and he's in one of the elite universities in England and so I have admit that they sound like the perfect couple.

 

I always had the feeling that he was the right one for me, that we could connect on a spiritual level. I've rarely found a guy who was as gentle and whom I liked as much but now I'm here and wonder if I'm the right one for him. She seems to be perfect. The only advantage I might have is that I'm prettier than her but we all know beauty fades and I don't think he's so shallow. It's not as if we had nothing in common, we can have fun together, we like to travel, we are both quite affectionate, we both share similar values but I'm not in the same working field as he is. They share this scientific working environment where everybody knows each other and where they have a lot of mutual friends. I'm an outsider here.

 

What I didn't understand though is, if she was so perfect, why did he break up with her? I'm somehow still hoping that it's me that he secretly wants and feels attracted to as we started to talk a lot more after he broke up with her. He told me he was doubting his decision but didn't regret it. One of my friend on the other hand said that it was just a quarrel and not a real break up and they would get back together soon.

 

Ok, my question for today is not, shall I continue to pursue him or not, but I've been wondering what is important in a long-term relationship? Is a spark and chemistry necessary to have a long-term relationship? I know you can't stay in the stage of infatuation forever you also need friendship and companionship but will a relationship where everything is going well except for the missing spark last either? I always thought that the spark was what differenciates a friend from a lover, the thing that re-ignites the love even when you have stayed together for a long time.

[d'Arthez]

I always had the feeling that he was the right one for me, that we could connect on a spiritual level. I've rarely found a guy who was as gentle and whom I liked as much but now I'm here and wonder if I'm the right one for him. She seems to be perfect.

 

First of all her perfection is nothing more than the lack of all the mistakes you attribute to yourself. She is not perfect. Second of all, a human being does not necessarily gravitate towards perfection, or even to look after his / her interests in the best possible fashion. In matters of love or non-love, things are much more complicated than a paper deal (assuming you don't believe in marriage-fixtures).

He might have a toe-fetish, and if her toes are not good enough, she simply will not be good enough. Who knows. The laws of attraction are much more complicated than popular culture suggests.

 

The attraction to him, on a spiritual level is often what we look for in a partner. But is only one of many things. But you asked yourself the right question: are you perfect for him? And with that, deep down you already have the answer .

 

What I didn't understand though is, if she was so perfect, why did he break up with her?

 

Because she is not perfect. That is something you made up.

 

I've been wondering what is important in a long-term relationship? Is a spark and chemistry necessary to have a long-term relationship? I know you can't stay in the stage of infatuation forever you also need friendship and companionship but will a relationship where everything is going well except for the missing spark last either? I always thought that the spark was what differenciates a friend from a lover, the thing that re-ignites the love even when you have stayed together for a long time.

 

No, the spark is overvalued in Western-culture. It is important, but not all-defining. You can't live or love on a spark alone. You can't put thin air to use with your spark. You need some fuel, and some mechanisms that the whole thing does not blow up. And of course, in the case of a long longterm relationship, ways of making sure that you don't use up all that there is to the relationship; without fuel the spark will die.

[Aimée]

Thanks for your answer.

 

In matters of love or non-love' date=' things are much more complicated than a paper deal (assuming you don't believe in marriage-fixtures).[/quote']

I've become very confused about the question what makes two people fall in love. Do people fall in love when they find someone with the same hobbies, the same outlook on life, who provides them with emotional support and understanding or is there more to it? An irrational element that you can't explain?

 

He might have a toe-fetish, and if her toes are not good enough, she simply will not be good enough.

Um.

 

The attraction to him, on a spiritual level is often what we look for in a partner. But is only one of many things. But you asked yourself the right question: are you perfect for him? And with that, deep down you already have the answer .

I have no clue anymore. I think I'm going to take my instinct and flush it down the toilet.

 

Because she is not perfect. That is something you made up.

Hm, sounds good.

 

No, the spark is overvalued in Western-culture. It is important, but not all-defining. You can't live or love on a spark alone. You can't put thin air to use with your spark. You need some fuel, and some mechanisms that the whole thing does not blow up. And of course, in the case of a long longterm relationship, ways of making sure that you don't use up all that there is to the relationship; without fuel the spark will die.

I didn't mean to say that the spark alone is enough. As I said you need also other things as friendship and companionship to maintain a relationship in the long run but without any kind of romance I'd say that a relationship becomes stale. I assume that most people want someone who makes their heart sing once in a while, someone who makes the butterflies flutter around.