Slapsh0t Posted September 25, 2018 Posted September 25, 2018 Hey guys. I am really struggling with my first breakup. We'd only been dating for 5 months, yet it really did feel like the love I fantasized about my entire life. I guess that's why I chose to ignore all the red flags. He was great- the most supportive, caring, kindest guy I have ever known. He'd call me whenever I was feeling down and we enjoyed each other's company. I really did take it to mean that he could see forever with me, from when he first confessed that he'd marry me in the distant future. He took me to meet his parents, his childhood friends, his childhood home back in Sweden. Hell, it did feel like we would be together forever. The Facebook statuses and profile pics changed, we seemed to be committed, and that the long distance when he finally went to college wouldn't be an issue, at least that's what he tried to convince me. But I knew he was ambitious, and he'd always put his career first. When I asked about our plans in the future, he just said to "go with the flow" and "have fun now", about a month before he broke up with me, two weeks into his freshman year at college. I was devastated, even though I had some inkling that this relationship wouldn't last. I held onto it because he was an amazing, caring guy, and I felt like no one would love me as purely or tenderly as he would, and even though I wanted more of a commitment from him I didn't want to chase him away. I could tell he was still trying to convince me he was good and caring when he broke up with me- tinged with "I love you's" and "I'm sorry's" and a whole load of bulls*it excuses. I'm really struggling to deal with the fact that he doesn't want me anymore and he's happier without me and he has more options for dating. I just wanted to mean something to him and the fact that nothing was real and that I might disappear from his memory terrifies me. I guess I was his first real "girlfriend". I don't think I was his first love, but he had told me he'd never felt "this way" about anyone. I remember a night we had together singing karaoke in the car, and he suddenly breaks down crying saying that he never thought he'd find someone like me. He was always getting rejected by girls- I took it to mean that he was glad someone finally liked him back. Realistically the relationship would have been hard. We were long distance the entire time, and his mom just moved down to the Southern U.S., so we were no longer in driving distance of each other. We would only see each other during breaks. I thought love was enough to endure this. But I guess I was wrong about him. He was more immature and cowardly than I thought he was. I just feel so used right now, as I feel like he was only with me because he wanted to know what a relationship felt like, not because he loved who I was, despite him telling me how "amazing" I was constantly. I guess the question did he love/care for me and just couldn't handle the distance/commitment, or was I just a placeholder and a way to have fun and to get the feeling of a relationship before he'd inevitably plan on dumping me? He's 20 and I'm 19.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 25, 2018 Posted September 25, 2018 I'm sorry, girl. First break-ups are so hard because we have no frame of reference for dealing with them. You will find someone else who will love you more than he did. You don't yet have any other relationship to compare this too, but I promise there is a greater love out there for you. I have no doubt he cared for you, but in my experience, true loves takes longer than 5 months to really take root and blossom. You two are also very young, which is a factor in this. He got carried away with all the future talk when he's barely an adult himself yet - especially considering he's just starting college. He's just starting a whole new chapter of his life and he is going to be surrounded by new people, new experiences, new temptations. The odds were stacked against you two right there, if I'm being honest. When I was in freshman year myself, nearly all of the people who were in relationships with boyfriends and girlfriends back home were no longer with those people by the end of the year. People at that age and in that context are often not ready to commit to something, particularly when it's long-distance. It will get better. Your ex isn't the love of your life, but you will find that guy when you are ready.
d0nnivain Posted September 25, 2018 Posted September 25, 2018 I'm sure he cared about you. However most relationships don't last when people start college. You will live to love again.
preraph Posted September 25, 2018 Posted September 25, 2018 I'm so sorry. It sounds like you were his first girlfriend so he really appreciated you for awhile and was certainly infatuated. You would think that someone who hadn't had much luck before would just be glad when they got a girlfriend, but i have never found that to be true. A friend of mine had years of no women, and was ecstatic when one finally wanted to date him, but I guess it boosted his confidence because shortly after, another woman wanted to date him, so he basically snuck around on both of them and lost them both right away. They are happy and grateful at the time, but then this makes them look to greener pastures and wonder if they can just keep getting more and more women to choose from. It's often foolhardy, but at a certain age, exactly the age he is at now, people do need to not tie themselves down or think about marriage and just go and explore and meet as many people as possible, because this is how we grow into our mature self that is ready to marry. First we have to see what's out there and see what works for us and what doesn't. See what our options are. During these years we may change what we once thought we wanted. So it's kind of inevitable when one goes off to college, that they leave people behind and want their freedom. Doesn't make it any easier on the one they left, though. So sorry. As soon as you can, get back out there and socialize. You loved once, and you will love again.
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