Meg1880 Posted September 24, 2018 Posted September 24, 2018 (edited) Met a guy on OLD recently. We went on 5 dates in the space of about 3 weeks. These ranged from going to dinner, drinks, bowling... I also slept at his house and he has slept at mine (we've had sex). I met his roommate and he met mine. I had a really good feeling about where it was heading. He was dropping in plans and ideas for the future etc. Daily texting back and forth, but not too much. Equal amounts of initiating conversation. Lots of chemistry, and we had a lot in common. Last Monday he reached out asking when he could see me that week. We decided Saturday was best as aside from him having to help his brother fix something in his house in the morning, we were both clear. We are both short on money this month so agreed he would come here and we would get food and watch a movie. On Tuesday, he text me saying he might be free that night after all as he was supposed to be playing golf but the weather was looking shady. However it was all a bit ambiguous and I had been invited to go for dinner with a friend so I suggested we perhaps park it and wait until Saturday as planned. On Wednesday morning, though, he text me saying he was disappointed he didn't get to see me after the night before and suggested that night once he has got home from a class he goes to (finishes around 8). I said sure. But I never heard from him. I'm something of a dating veteran now and should have known not to wait for him, but foolishly I did. I text him at 10pm asking him what was going on and he replied about 20 minutes later saying his class had run over and that he'd then got stuck in traffic so there was no point him coming over now. I was really very annoyed by this but decided to give him the benefit of the doubt; I wasn't questioning his interest in me at this stage because he was the one initiating all the plans. He also made reference to looking forward to Saturday. Texting continued; there was no signs of him pulling away or slowing down, everything seemed normal. On Friday, though, given the flakiness, I decided to confirm we were definitely on for Saturday. He said yes. He told me he had to help his brother in the morning and would be with me by lunch time. We had both thrown some ideas around like going for a walk first and then coming back to mine for food and movies, and he would sleep at mine. On Saturday morning I realized I hadn't heard from him yet which I thought was a bit odd. I went and bought food and started getting ready anyway. He eventually text me around lunch time but made no reference to our plans whatsoever and said he was helping his brother still. Polite texting went back and forth over the course of a few hours (he was taking a long time to respond each time) until eventually I bit the bullet and asked him if we were still seeing each other. He text me back later that evening saying his whole plans had run over but that he would still like to see me for "an hour or so". As you can imagine, I was now really angry and felt completely embarrassed and humiliated that I had waited in all day for this and got everything ready. I calmly told him it was getting late and that maybe we should reschedule. He didn't apologize per se but acknowledged he was in the wrong and that he had "f****d it up". That was Saturday night. I didn't reply to his text (I mean, him saying "I've f****d up" hardly warrants a response, does it?!) and I haven't heard from him either. Can someone please provide some insight into what on earth has gone wrong here? I spoke with friends about it and told them I wasn't going to reply and would wait for him to reach out to me. However this has split opinion with a few friends saying he is probably waiting for me to reply because I sent the last text. This has put doubt in my mind so could do with some neutral viewpoints. If this is really dead in the water, what happened? Did he lose interest? If so, why did he keep trying to initiate plans only to let me down? If he wanted to fade, why not just do a slow fade, why keep me hooked with the promise of plans? Is he just bad at communicating? Or would I be totally crazy to ever think about texting him again? A part of me wants to call him up on his behavior but I really don't think it would have much impact and don't know if I want to give him the satisfaction of thinking I'm annoyed. Edited September 24, 2018 by Meg1880 .
Orokotikki Posted September 24, 2018 Posted September 24, 2018 Flakery. Play it cool and see if he man's up to move some foothills - if you must. Or he may just move on, which is just as well if he can't do the former. Either way think you'd be just as well moving on.
Author Meg1880 Posted September 24, 2018 Author Posted September 24, 2018 Flakery. Play it cool and see if he man's up to move some foothills - if you must. Or he may just move on, which is just as well if he can't do the former. Either way think you'd be just as well moving on. Thanks. And by play it cool does that equal standing my ground and not texting? Or do I just text him back anyway but leave any (potential) date planning to him?
Orokotikki Posted September 24, 2018 Posted September 24, 2018 Well, if you were my sister and were asking, I'd probably say cut contact. Let him squirm, don't text him. Let him see you value yourself by not putting up with his shenanigans. If he brings himself to move some mountains great, but otherwise be done. 1
Mardelis Posted September 24, 2018 Posted September 24, 2018 (edited) He's not a considerate guy and nothing you say or do is going to change that. What you are asking is how should you play the game of "acting not interested when you really are just to get him to change his behavior". That never works. It might get you some short term results but it doesn't make him into the sort of guy you want to spend years of your life with. If you think there's some misunderstanding and miscommunication and maybe he's in over his head with helping his brother, then simply focus on meeting other guys and don't waste time contacting him and if you meet someone else before you get together with him then great, and if he pursues you and gets more reliable then great, and if he doesn't well you aren't sitting around waiting for him and you aren't playing a silly teenager game of "I won't call you since you don't call me". 2 other suggestions going forward with him or anyone else. Don't rely so heavily on texting. The phone call still has it's place especially when things aren't going so smoothly. Also don't sleep with a guy too fast no matter how much you want to no matter how good it feels no matter what he says about the future, for so many reasons the odds stack against you if you jump into bed too early on. Edited September 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix spacing
Author Meg1880 Posted September 24, 2018 Author Posted September 24, 2018 Well, if you were my sister and were asking, I'd probably say cut contact. Let him squirm, don't text him. Let him see you value yourself by not putting up with his shenanigans. If he brings himself to move some mountains great, but otherwise be done. Thanks. That’s an interesting way of thinking about it actually; if my sisters came to me saying a guy had done that to them, I would be telling them to get rid straight away!
Whodatdog Posted September 24, 2018 Posted September 24, 2018 Absolutely dont text him. He royally screwed up, and treated you with little respect. No excuse. Texting him will give him the opportunity to do it again Dont do it.
PRW Posted September 25, 2018 Posted September 25, 2018 I had a really good feeling about where it was heading. He was dropping in plans and ideas for the future etc. Daily texting back and forth, but not too much. Equal amounts of initiating conversation. Lots of chemistry, and we had a lot in common. That is too much communication without the relationship being established as exclusive. It sets a pattern that cannot be maintained and will "burn out". still seeing each other. He text me back later that evening saying his whole plans had run over but that he would still like to see me for "an hour or so". As you can imagine, I was now really angry and felt completely embarrassed and humiliated that I had waited in all day for this and got everything ready. I calmly told him it was getting late and that maybe we should reschedule. He didn't apologize per se but acknowledged he was in the wrong and that he had "f****d it up".I have helped people with "jobs" that grew out of hand and couldn't be finished anywhere near as soon as expected. So he either should have told his brother that they would have to finish later, or contact you sooner and tell you he'd have to postpone. The other thing to keep in mind is that you met the guy via OLD. That means there is a good chance that you are in competition with other women from OLD. There is nothing wrong with that, and you should be doing the same. Neither party should abandon exploring options until you agree on exclusivity. This will keep you from making the other one too important. This wouldn't have happened if you had not made him "too important too soon". You sent the last text,...you effectively hit the ball to his side of the net,...he now has to hit it back to you. If you are in competition with other women form OLD (and that is likely the case) let them be the needy clingy ones that freak out and drive him away,...you be the solid balanced one that behaves consistently. A woman behaving balanced and consistent is like Cat-Nip to a man, we can't resist it,...it makes you stand out in the crowd...and that is how you win and beat the competition. In the meant time you can consider exploring other OLD options,...you are not exclusive,...not boyfriend/girlfriend,...it is ok to do that. Just don't shove that in his face just and he not not doing that to you.
smackie9 Posted September 25, 2018 Posted September 25, 2018 I'm an advocate for "first impressions count". If you find his actions intolerable then cut him loose and chalk him up as a lousy dater.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 25, 2018 Posted September 25, 2018 I don't think that replying to his text now (or not) is going to make much difference. It doesn't change the fact that he's blowing you off and didn't even think to give you the heads-up that he couldn't make it. Twice. In three weeks. Next him. He's not that interested anymore. Why? It could be anything, but he's likely also communicating with other women from the site and decided to prioritize someone else. I'm sorry this happened; it's incredibly frustrating dealing with people like him. This is why I wouldn't continue with him. He's making a crappy impression and doesn't appear to care.
Gretchen12 Posted September 25, 2018 Posted September 25, 2018 You will continue to date others while or after this guy. You are not a couple. What I'm concerned about is how you allowed him to keep you waiting into the evening on Saturday. Why did you have to "bite the bullet" to ask him if he's coming? I would always fix a time with only a 30 minute window to account for traffic. If he can't do it, no problem. There's no "I'll see you when I see you" with me. I won't put myself in that situation. If you had known he couldn't make it, you could have done something else that evening and not be mad at him. Don't put him in a position to fail. Men don't like to fail. He knew you were waiting. You seemed afraid to ask if he's cancelling. He went along. You are partly responsible. Must give men clearer instructions!
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