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I broke up with my girlfriend with borderline I reget it now now what?

Peter4509

By Peter4509
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Peter4509 New Member

Peter4509

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Hey!

 

I’m new to this page but I really screwed up and can’t help myself anymore,

 

Here is what happened.. i have been together with her for 1,5 years it has been the best relation ship I ever had it was perfect it was just the one I thought I would grow old with her, but last Thursday I got in an arguement with her I started getting angry and messed things up told her to **** of etc, the thing with me is I don’t think before I speak in a fight, and she has borderline quite some time now her mindset is different then mine.

 

The reason it al started getting bad is because I thought she was losing interest it was a thought that teared me up and from the I had the same fight with her a while back and that was still haunting her I knew she needed time to fix it and eventually I did it again I just forgot she had these issues with her self I told her I miss the old her etc some horrible things after I don’t mean it but it’s been said and cannot be erased that easy, how ever after the break up I have been thinking and finding out where it went wrong something I didn’t do a while back it just gave me a light to see how much she meant to me after I broke up th thing is I would really like to have her back now even though I hurt her and that’s gonna be difficult believing me.

 

This time but I’m 100% certain of my self I will be a changed man for her to be positive even when I get mad what should I do? I don’t want to wait to long but also don’t want to be that quick, she agreed the Bram up and doesn’t want to talk to me after this again, how ever the worst of al of this is that I did in a text message..

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Orokotikki Established Member

Orokotikki

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Say again? I'm having a had time following this.

Mardelis Established Member

Mardelis

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Posted (edited)

Your post leaves me with more questions than answers.

 

Has she been officially diagnosed as being a borderline by a trained and licensed medical professional and if so is she undergoing treatment and if so is she on medications? Or have you or someone else just decided that because she acts in a certain way then she's got to be a BPD.

 

Have you ever sought treatment for your severe anger management problems that cause you to be verbally abusive towards others? If not, why not? Do you think your anger outbursts are normal, healthy, and do not constitute abuse and mistreatment of others especially a woman who is your significant other who looks to you for love and affection and instead gets cursed out?

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Peter4509 New Member

Peter4509

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Your post leaves me with more questions than answers.

 

Has she been officially diagnosed as being a borderline by a trained and licensed medical professional and if so is she undergoing treatment and if so is she on medications? Or have you or someone else just decided that because she acts in a certain way then she's got to be a BPD.

 

Have you ever sought treatment for your severe anger management problems that cause you to be verbally abusive towards others? If not, why not? Do you think your anger outbursts are normal, healthy, and do not constitute abuse and mistreatment of others especially a woman who is your significant other who looks to you for love and affection and instead gets cursed out?

Aben

I’m sorry for that rushed post.. but Yes she had been diagnosed with borderline she had it before i started with her she had a rough past and alot of orher things she’s also depressed she also suffered from suicide attempts before went shel helped her at 1 point of of it and I got her back in cause of anger she doesn’t seem to want help she gets real Mad if I ask her about it however i failed understanding her cause I thought she started to play around with me after that i started to get frustrated then unleashing my anger to one I love most, i’ve never really had so much anger it just got to me at 1. Point this year I was considering to do a therapy but after I lost her and started realizing what I did I felt different like I need to understand the anger and once it comes up make plans it’s real weird but if she does give me a chance again which I’m not certain of for now but i guess the fight made me realise what I lost, and it it happens again I wil take steps yes. But your right I failed to be what I had to be I shouldn’t have gone angry over and over by mostly nothing, it’s been my own fault after al I got her back in this state so I should of known the consequences, but like you said I really need to work on it or otherwise do a therapy. If it’s not for her then it would be good for futur days.

Downtown Established Member

Downtown

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Posted (edited)
She doesn’t seem to want help she gets real Mad if I ask her about it.
Peter, If your exGF is a BPDer, she carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that will TRIGGER a release of anger that is already there.

 

This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage or hissy fit in only ten seconds over a minor action or harmless comment. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

 

The result is that you oftentimes will feel like you're walking on eggshells around her -- to avoid triggering a sudden release of her anger. This enabling behavior is harmful to both of you. That's why the best-selling BPD book is titled, Stop Walking on Eggshells.

 

Her feelings can go from one polar extreme to the other in just a few seconds. It will be so quick that it will seem like she has flipped a switch in her mind. BPDers can flip -- in less than a minute -- from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing you). And they can flip back again just as quickly.

 

These rapid flips arise from "black-white thinking." Like a young child, a BPDer is too emotionally immature to be able to handle strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate). A BPDer therefore has great difficulty tolerating ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of close interpersonal relationships. Her subconscious solves this problem by "splitting off" the strong conflicting feeling, putting it far out of reach of her conscious mind. This way, she only has to deal with one intense feeling at a time.

 

She therefore will categorize everyone close to her as "all good" (i.e., "white" or "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "black" or "against me"). And she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action. Because a BPDer's close friends eventually will be "split black," it is unusual for a BPDer to have really close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away). This B-W thinking also will be evident in the frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...."

 

I would really like to have her back now even though I hurt her.
Peter, if she does come back, you will continue to hurt her. Doing so is unavoidable because, with a BPDer, it is impossible to avoid triggering her two fears.

 

This predicament exists due to the position of a BPDer's two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you are always in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

 

Hence, as you move close to a BPDer to comfort her and assure her of your love, you will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she's being suffocated and controlled by you. Because she has such a weak self identity, she may even feel like she is evaporating into thin air -- losing herself into your strong personality whenever you are intimate.

 

She therefore will create a fight -- over absolutely nothing at all -- to push you away. Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you will find that you've started triggering her abandonment fear.

 

Sadly, there is no midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where you can safely stand to avoid triggering the two fears. I know because I foolishly spent 15 years searching for that Goldilocks position, which simply does not exist.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. And Sal provides a concise and insightful account of what it's like to live with a BPDer for 23 years in his 2016 post. If those descriptions ring many bells and raise questions, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you.

Edited by Downtown
Origin Established Member

Origin

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Peter, If your exGF is a BPDer, she carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that will TRIGGER a release of anger that is already there.

 

This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage or hissy fit in only ten seconds over a minor action or harmless comment. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

 

The result is that you oftentimes will feel like you're walking on eggshells around her -- to avoid triggering a sudden release of her anger. This enabling behavior is harmful to both of you. That's why the best-selling BPD book is titled, Stop Walking on Eggshells.

 

Her feelings can go from one polar extreme to the other in just a few seconds. It will be so quick that it will seem like she has flipped a switch in her mind. BPDers can flip -- in less than a minute -- from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing you). And they can flip back again just as quickly.

 

These rapid flips arise from "black-white thinking." Like a young child, a BPDer is too emotionally immature to be able to handle strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate). A BPDer therefore has great difficulty tolerating ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of close interpersonal relationships. Her subconscious solves this problem by "splitting off" the strong conflicting feeling, putting it far out of reach of her conscious mind. This way, she only has to deal with one intense feeling at a time.

 

She therefore will categorize everyone close to her as "all good" (i.e., "white" or "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "black" or "against me"). And she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action. Because a BPDer's close friends eventually will be "split black," it is unusual for a BPDer to have really close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away). This B-W thinking also will be evident in the frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...."

 

Peter, if she does come back, you will continue to hurt her. Doing so is unavoidable because, with a BPDer, it is impossible to avoid triggering her two fears.

 

This predicament exists due to the position of a BPDer's two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you are always in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

 

Hence, as you move close to a BPDer to comfort her and assure her of your love, you will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she's being suffocated and controlled by you. Because she has such a weak self identity, she may even feel like she is evaporating into thin air -- losing herself into your strong personality whenever you are intimate.

 

She therefore will create a fight -- over absolutely nothing at all -- to push you away. Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you will find that you've started triggering her abandonment fear.

 

Sadly, there is no midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where you can safely stand to avoid triggering the two fears. I know because I foolishly spent 15 years searching for that Goldilocks position, which simply does not exist.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. And Sal provides a concise and insightful account of what it's like to live with a BPDer for 23 years in his 2016 post. If those descriptions ring many bells and raise questions, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you.

 

 

Great post Downtown! I remember when I posted my story I was wrecking my brain left and right trying to figure out this woman. I stumbled upon BPD by pure chance and ohhh boy, did it make sense then. Even to this day(yesterday) she is trying to reel me back in but with the knowledge comes the ability to stay away.

They simply cannot change and even if they do change...it seems that you have better chances of winning lotto than them changing. For somebody to change they would need to realize what they did and that they are the problem. Sadly a BPD is always in victim mode and they aren’t capable of taking responsibility for their actions.

 

Anyways great post and I’m actually reading others topics you posted on this because it is so very much interesting.

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