Weird situation im in

[Whatifguy]

Hey people,

 

Was with my partner almost 8years, married 4years.

I met her when she was 17 and i was 21, everything was great but after 6 months i found her too needy and I couldn't cope, I was studying at the time and I felt that was more important as i put most of my time with her, after 2 months apart i missed a relationship with her (we did keep in contact and met up) and we got back together.

I was her first everything, but she was not mine, she would cry after sex and i found out she was always thinking i was comparing her to my ex's, which i wasnt, i reassured her i wasnt, was her at the time and only her.

As time went on I found her now and again letting her insecurities come out about her ex, he was made to be a bad guy and i believed it (knew who he was). She would constantly ask me to never leave her as i was her everything and it scared her the age difference, again, i reassured her i was going no where.

She looked after her dad as he is a sick man, when she moved in with him our time became less and less together, her insecurities became worse.

after 4 years together I told her she ment so much to me i could spend the rest of my life with her, she was super happy, and few months later we marry, she was 21 and i was 27, we got married as her dad was still around and it was something she wanted her dad to see.

At this point we still lived apart.

 

I spotted during our relationship I was being told that other females where looking at me, it was always pointed out to me, if i liked an item of clothing and was to buy it, girls would look at me more, this goes down to hair style you name it, but i didn't really take it seriously. I got my self a fulltime job as we wanted a place together, she didnt like the idea of it as girls would come into the shop, but i got the job reassuring her im going no where, when she would come and see me, i would be accused of flirting with female customers, again which i wasn't, but i could tell she didnt believe me, i was asked if something was also going on with my female manger, which there wasnt, i felt i couldnt have female friends or know other females and i felt my self shutting my self down, i shaved my head, got messy facial hair.. became numb, i found we would have small arguments and i felt i could never have a word in, i felt like walking on eggshells all the time, but she told her friends i had upset her, they start to take a dislike to me. She told me she doesnt want to live me nor after her dad passes when i had the money to get us a place, but still spoke about children.....

 

now to cut to the end, basically she got a full time job ontop of looking after her dad, her body language had changed so much i asked if there was someone else, she would constantly ask if i trusted her, i said i cant fully due to the way she is acting: hugs stopped, turning of head when going for a kiss, letting go of my hand just before her work, 2months ago now she left me, saying im not what she wants and i didnt say things to her in a meaning way, I found out she was seen with a guy (one of her customers at work at a cafe), a guy who i actually had my suspicion on as she would get angry when i said he was dating, she wants a divorce, but has no legal grounds and has been trying to get me to apply for it as she left me, there is so much more but this is a long post already sorry.. im really struggling right now as i feel i have no one.

 

Back to the bad guy, i feel iv been made to be another bad ex to all others she knows (i was slowly pushed away from the people she knew over the years)

 

Iv been no contact with her for over a month now btw, deleted facebook and blocked her on all social media sites

Edited September 24, 2018 by Whatifguy
forgot to add something at the end

[FMW]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.

 

It sounds like your wife's insecurity moved from being suspicious and accusing you of cheating to seeking out attention from other men and being the cheater herself.

 

You can't do anything about someone else's insecurity.

 

She wants a divorce, so it's on her to file (unless you WANT to do it yourself). She probably wants you to file so that you have to pay and she can continue her narrative of you being the bad guy.

 

Take control of your own life and stop letting her words and actions determine what you do.

[Mardelis]

I know you're (temporarily) devastated and I feel for you, but that much being said there really isn't anything unique about your relationship and the aftermath. You had a good thing together for a period of time, she grew tired of the relationship, there was a lack of trust on both parts after the affection stopped, there was more arguing than lovemaking, finally she pulled the plug.

 

 

The rest of it? The ex is always the bad person, regardless of who is telling the story, him or her, that's just how it works. Sometimes it's true and sometimes it's the person's own perspective which is often quite different from how it went down. Her friends and family will side with her, and your friends and family will side with you.

 

 

It really doesn't matter in the long run. You're going to process all the feelings of loss, go through all the stages of grieving, you might get depressed for a time, and then one day the sun will come up again and you'll be out there meeting a woman who is a better fit for you.

[Whatifguy]

Thank you, I had a feeling it would be this, trying to accept it is the hard part.

 

I told her I would not apply as its not my problem and its hers, she got pretty upset saying "do you not want me to be happy?" replied with not my problem, so she's filing for legal separation which also she isnt happy with as she doesnt want to be in a "contract" or marriage saying what happens if she meets someone new... i could only reply with Not my problem

[ExpatInItaly]

Unfortunately, you met her when she was a teenager, and subsequently married someone who was emotionally still a teenager. She was in no way ready to settle down.

 

I would end this and divorce her. She is too immature for a marriage, and she projected all of her jealousy and suspicion onto you when apparently she was the one with questionable behaviour herself. She will likely come knocking on your door again if her new guy dumps her, but you should not re-open it.

 

Your relationship sounds like it has always been unhealthy, with a codependent undercurrent. It's time to break free of that and heal, and when you're ready, find a woman who understands what healthy love looks like and can offer you the commitment you deserve.

[Whatifguy]

Thank you guys, what you are saying is what i feel inside and just trying to convonce my self now that this IS for the best.

 

What has made it hard since no contact, she walked past my shop today all glamed up and holding the paper work in her hand.

What i did find funny was she was dressed up and hair dyed to his females best mate..

[Whatifguy]

Another thing i feel is, i feel i was in coercive control relationship, with the things i was accused of from the start of the relationship, to getting a job but they didnt want me too, i feel i also am, few months back i’ll be honest and say i checked her facebook but found nothing, i did this when i spotted her body language change, i feel i was looking for away out but found no evidence. Few weeks before she left she told me she was going on a night out and i felt so insecure, i was honest with her and said i was worried because we never use to go out, sadly she didnt go out n i felt awful but i was mad and angry that she was aloud and i wasnt, now i use to pop to my friends but i would be asked every hour if i was home. With her walking past the shop, i feel now it was a rub in my face of “look what i can do now” my head is pretty messed up as im unsure if its me, but main answer is, its all now a so what, its over, but i feel scard from this relationship.

[elaine567]

I met her when she was 17 and i was 21 (I guess 23), everything was great but after 6 months i found her too needy and I couldn't cope, I was studying at the time and I felt that was more important as i put most of my time with her, after 2 months apart i missed a relationship with her (we did keep in contact and met up) and we got back together.

 

I guess this ^^^ is where all your/her troubles stemmed from.

She was no doubt "in love" with you and you dumped her, after that she could never really trust you.

You were the one "in control", you dumped her, you took her back again so probably no big deal to you, she on the other hand was probably always on tenterhooks, "Is this the day he will end it again?"

She became controlling of your movements as she couldn't bear to lose you, but she resented you at the same time.

Then she moves on with her life, gets a new job, her perspective changes, she probably grew up a little too, some other guy gets her attention and she wants to leave you and all the "hassle" that came with you behind... She can relax, she doesn't need to monitor your every move any more...

 

(Also making brides out of 21 yos is never a good idea, you were ready to settle down she wasn't - not really)

 

Forget her - get on with your own life, put it down to "an experience".

[MichaelD]

My ex also did this, was super insecure after a time, girls were looking at me and she was mad and i didnt even looked at them, she didnt allowed me to hairstyle my hair and so on, didnt even allowed me to properly dress good and i did all that to prove i love her, now i learned this is a weakness in their eyes and they will get bored that you please them and their tests, which they do indirectly . My advice is to never do that again and be a leader and if you give something, expect her to give also back, at one point i was doing 80% of stuff in relationship, just because i loved her. Women especially at this age are like grown up babies. You are not alone with this story. Just move on and improve yourself, its her loss. People like us are rare to find in this age.

[Whatifguy]

My ex also did this, was super insecure after a time, girls were looking at me and she was mad and i didnt even looked at them, she didnt allowed me to hairstyle my hair and so on, didnt even allowed me to properly dress good and i did all that to prove i love her, now i learned this is a weakness in their eyes and they will get bored that you please them and their tests, which they do indirectly . My advice is to never do that again and be a leader and if you give something, expect her to give also back, at one point i was doing 80% of stuff in relationship, just because i loved her. Women especially at this age are like grown up babies. You are not alone with this story. Just move on and improve yourself, its her loss. People like us are rare to find in this age.

 

I have been told by a few people im a rare find and it’ll be me that comes out better, but as above reply, im left with huge guilt of leaving her, something i can never fix nor be able to tell her i made a mistake back then, i have to accept that nothing can change what has happened nor be fixed, but im feeling so much worse off and thats the part thats not allowing me to move forward, i use to be a happy outgoing guy, now i feel lost and not able to see a bright future.

[Whatifguy]

she doesn't need to monitor your every move any more.

 

I feel it still though sadly, she walked past my shop today, i cant tell if its to prove a point to me or a way of “i see you still”

 

Im actually looking into moving out of my home town as i dont want to be around her nor her new friends, i live in a very small town and she only works around the croner from me. I feel she wants to hurt me like i did her once and i find that unfair, and if that is the case, she should know its wrong to do, its not helping her nor me.

[khalessi]

Move forward, she was very young and people need life experience to fully explore dating as an adult ithink