purpleunicorn1 Posted September 24, 2018 Posted September 24, 2018 (edited) When I was in college I had tons of friends! Very social but I also very much enjoyed alone time. Upon graduating college I moved from a small college town to one of the largest cities in America. Living here a month 1/2 I met this guy and we instantly clicked. I couldn't find a great job when i moved and I had previously stripped in college to pay the bills so I continued to do so until I got a job. We began spending every night together and fell in love. The stripping thing wasn't that much of a big deal at first but as the relationship progressed it bothered him more and created this weird relationship anxiety where we both needed to be with each other all the time. He began to become impatient with me and would break up with me if I did something he didn't like. Like for instance he would come over and see I had dirty dishes in the sink and he broke up with me over it, so I quickly corrected this. He would say I didn't have my "life"together and break up with me, which would send me into a frenzy and I would do anything I could to keep him. He eventually offered to pay all my bills so I could quit stripping-until I got on my feet. We dated for about 6-7 months having those small break ups in the beginning, and then we decided to move in with eachother to his house. It was great at first, but neither of us really worked so we spent 24/7 together and meshed into this one person. I could tell he was unhappy with the situation and I literally drove myself crazy trying to "fix" things. 4 months after we moved in together I got the break I hoped for! I got a really great job. Before I even started the job we got in a fight and he broke up with me and asked me to move out. It was a valid break up, he said that neither one of us knew how to be "ourselves"anymore and the relationship was stagnant. I knew it was true but I was CRUSHED. I cried and cried and cried. I knew he was right but I thought we could work through anything. A week or so after the breakup he began to ask me if I wanted to grab dinner and stuff. I said no because I was so hurt by the breakup but it was clear he missed me. A month after the breakup we decided to give it another go but there was all these conditions. We had to be more independent and not rely on one another and do our own thing. I never made any friends when I moved here because I got so wrapped up in the relationship and I quit hanging with my old friends because it didn't "fit" in my new life. Yesterday he woke up in a bad mood. I had told him I was voting for Beto O' Rourke for senate and he was voting for Ted Cruz (ew) He said I must really hate him to vote for Beto if I've never voted in my life and this was the time I chose to vote (im 25 btw). He also said I have made no friends and that was a reason for the big breakup and I obviously don't care enough to fix this issue. I do need more friends but its hard to make them since I'm not in college anymore. but I am actually really happy with my life right now and I know I am in a good place. When he broke up with me in the past I cried and groveled and begged him not to. This time I told him to have a nice day and it sent him into rage. He called and said that he didn't trust me and I must be talking to someone else because in the past when he broke up with me I cried and I didn't this time which led him to believe I have someone else. Now he's not speaking to me. I called him at 3 am last night because I woke up in tears realizing he wasn't by my side and had broken up with me. He said "what are you a baby? only babies cry when they wake up" then sent me a text saying I was so selfish bc I ruined his night and now his sleep. My question is- does he sound controlling? He knows exactly how to manipulate me and I am now realizing the breakups in the past were never permanent in his eyes (but he led me to believe they were)- just to get a desired reaction. I am SO lost. I love him SO much and would gladly work it out but I don't know If I can take the emotional roller coaster. Do controlling people know they are controlling? Edited September 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs 1
Mardelis Posted September 24, 2018 Posted September 24, 2018 (edited) Controlling people are often unaware that they are being unreasonable, just like abusive people don't think there's anything wrong with how they mistreat their partners. Based on what you wrote I think you seriously need to stop going back to this guy, he's not healthy for you. Edited September 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix spacing
Zahara Posted September 24, 2018 Posted September 24, 2018 My question is- does he sound controlling? He knows exactly how to manipulate me and I am now realizing the breakups in the past were never permanent in his eyes (but he led me to believe they were)- just to get a desired reaction. I am SO lost. I love him SO much and would gladly work it out but I don't know If I can take the emotional roller coaster. Do controlling people know they are controlling? Yes, he is controlling. Your realization as to why he often broke up with you is correct. They do it to condition you so that you stay in line. I don't think you love him but you're holding onto the initial image of who he was rather than focusing on who he is now. There is nothing to work out. Unless you want to continue being in a toxic relationship, this should be the end of it. Whether he knows or not, it doesn't matter. That kind of behavior doesn't change.
stillafool Posted September 24, 2018 Posted September 24, 2018 Let him go. You are only 25 and living in a city with thousands of people and a good portion are men. You now have a job and can support yourself so go for it. Do you work with any people your age that you can befriend? If so, be friendly and invite them over or out for a drink. Don't waste your time with a controlling, mentally abusive man.
AmyHershaw Posted September 24, 2018 Posted September 24, 2018 He does sound controlling and not a nice guy, you deserve better than to be treated that way and made to feel the way you do. I can emphasise with you on the missing him part, I broke up with my boyfriend nearly three months ago and I still miss him a little, just having someone there to cuddle at night and having company often. It will feel odd for a little while, but at some point, you will have moved on and be thankful that he's no longer there to give you grief! A friend of mine advised me to remember how my ex acted towards the end of the relationship, why I had to break up with him, whenever I start to miss him and that will lead to me missing him less each week. It is good advice, I would recommend it. Stay strong, you will find someone one day who gives you the love and respect you deserve!
Author purpleunicorn1 Posted September 24, 2018 Author Posted September 24, 2018 Thank you! What makes it harder is he's so mean about everything. His words really really hurt and he is still kicking me while I'm down. I am so broken
Orokotikki Posted September 24, 2018 Posted September 24, 2018 You be making a massive improvement in your life to be rid of this guy permanently!
AmyHershaw Posted September 24, 2018 Posted September 24, 2018 Thank you! What makes it harder is he's so mean about everything. His words really really hurt and he is still kicking me while I'm down. I am so broken You're bound to feel broken by it, being put down and treated disrespectfully by the person you love and care about is emotionally damaging. You should definitely stop going back to him, although that might be challenging, grieve as long as you need to and then you will start to feel you made the right decision. It doesn't matter how long it takes you to move on, you will move on when you are ready. Be good to yourself, you deserve to have someone who will make you happy.
Recommended Posts