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Past affair, still married. The road to indiffernce is long....

InvisibleLady

By InvisibleLady
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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InvisibleLady Member

InvisibleLady

Posted
Posted

This is my first post - been reading for a long time. I have learned a lot from so many of your stories. Mine is not unique. It's a shame this forum is found by most after the suffering begins....

 

 

I was a MOW who had a mostly EA (met in person twice) with a MM. We don't live near each other at all and used work travel to meet.

It has been over for nearly a year, the worst few months are thankfully behind me but I am still waiting for the day I feel indifference, I can see it, but it is still so out of my reach. So much was left open ended in our A. It did not initially end bc of a D-day, there was another situation (of his,not concerning A or me) that he felt he wanted to focus on things at home, but due to feelings for me he didn't know what to do. So he went silent for a couple days and you all know how painful that is after daily contact. I couldn't take it, so I sent a text saying goodbye. He responded 2 days later and said he had to focus on things there "for a while" (?) but would always love me. With that we were NC for 6 weeks.

 

 

He broke the initial NC. I replied and that was it for a while. From there it was VERY LC every 2-3 weeks at most. During an evening of texting (initiated by him) he kind of had a D-day. She read one text, but he did damage control that we just texted only. When she contacted me, I kept the same story. I am sure I was thrown under the bus in some way, but as a MOW, I get it. Had I been caught off guard and my H saw a text from MM I likely would have done the same, I think it's probably a normal defensive reaction. But I did set her straight that text was initiated by him. I am sure MM didn't appreciate that.

 

 

He deleted all of my contact info after that, said W still snooping but begged me to keep in touch during work hours. I didn't for a while. But eventually the discomfort of withdrawal sets in and the ego takes a beating and I reached out 3 months ago. He replied eagerly. We chatted a bit and then the last time I texted him he took longer than normal to reply and I kept checking the phone and getting edgy and decided I can't do this again. And that was the end. He eventually replied and apologized that he was having a super busy day. I was mad that I even initiated the text, but I knew he didn't have my info anymore and wondered if wanted to communicate. It was still him, but it wasn't really the same. But I never replied or texted again since, neither has he.

 

 

I've decided to stay in my own lane and repair the mess I made in my own marriage (H doesn't know). I am not going to feed the MM ego by reaching out while sacrificing what's left of my dignity. I choose to fold and speak with my actions. My hope is to stay resolute in that and spend my time being a better wife and focusing on my marriage and family. So I read here to stay the course and hope to show others struggling that NC is possible even after a year long A. My issue is that if he reaches out, though it appears he won't, I need to ignore him. I am feeling strongly about not contacting him, but I need to feel just as strongly about responding. That's how I know I have not reached indifference, I still miss him. It's such a mixed bag of emotions for me, MM was a great compartmentalizer, he has probably moved on quite well.

Jane Deaux Established Member

Jane Deaux

Posted
Posted

Just share here anytime you feel any urges. And if he does reach out, message here before you reply.

 

It is always easier to ignore them than to be ignored.

ABernie Established Member

ABernie

Posted
Posted

I have no advice, only sympathy/empathy. {{{{hugs}}}

Poppy47 Established Member

Poppy47

Posted
Posted

YOu were having a fantasy. It's hard to let go of that feeling.

 

Good luck

 

Poppy.

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

Welcome to LS....

 

Are you looking for advice to reach a healthy indifference regarding your past affair?

 

Presuming fMM isn't a stalker, it's easy to eliminate 'work travel' as the meeting source, change your phone number and e-mail, shut down social media and focus on your marriage. Done.

 

What else?

  • Like 1
Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted
My hope is to stay resolute in that and spend my time being a better wife and focusing on my marriage and family.

 

How does that work when your hours are spent pining for your AP and waiting for his texts?

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 1
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InvisibleLady Member

InvisibleLady

Posted
  • Author
Posted
How does that work when your hours are spent pining for your AP and waiting for his texts?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

 

Honestly, it has been extremely difficult. However, I am past the point of "waiting for texts" as I don't think I will receive any texts from fMM.

  • Author
InvisibleLady Member

InvisibleLady

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Welcome to LS....

 

Are you looking for advice to reach a healthy indifference regarding your past affair?

 

Presuming fMM isn't a stalker, it's easy to eliminate 'work travel' as the meeting source, change your phone number and e-mail, shut down social media and focus on your marriage. Done.

 

What else?

 

 

 

Thanks, Carhill.

 

 

I am wanting to reach healthy indifference, I am not there. Focusing on the marriage sounds so easy, but it is not after something like this. I have told NO ONE (except you lucky folks at LS!) about my situation. Maybe I just needed to get it out. When A ends and you are married, you cannot grieve openly, or explain why you can't sleep or don't want to eat etc. History gets rewritten during the A so now happiness in M is questionable. And then I wonder how many people divorce while feeling this way only to realize it was part of the A fog and then regret divorcing.

 

 

I am trying...

 

 

We weren't "friends" on any social media, but I did block anyway. We never emailed, fMM is not a stalker, I have deleted his number out of my phone. Have not had any communication in over 3 months.

  • Author
InvisibleLady Member

InvisibleLady

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)
YOu were having a fantasy. It's hard to let go of that feeling.

 

Good luck

 

Poppy.

 

Yes, hard to let go of the feelings...thanks Poppy.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix spacing
  • Author
InvisibleLady Member

InvisibleLady

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)
Just share here anytime you feel any urges. And if he does reach out, message here before you reply.

 

It is always easier to ignore them than to be ignored.

 

Very good point! Thanks JD.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix spacing
  • Author
InvisibleLady Member

InvisibleLady

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)
I have no advice, only sympathy/empathy. {{{{hugs}}}

 

(((HUGS))) to you too AB - I know you are dealing with your own situation. Best of luck, I do hope you hear from MM soon so you can make a decision. Being left in limbo is the worst!!

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote and spacing
Imajerk17 Established Member

Imajerk17

Posted
Posted (edited)
This is my first post - been reading for a long time. I have learned a lot from so many of your stories. Mine is not unique. It's a shame this forum is found by most after the suffering begins....

 

 

I was a MOW who had a mostly EA (met in person twice) with a MM. We don't live near each other at all and used work travel to meet.

It has been over for nearly a year, the worst few months are thankfully behind me but I am still waiting for the day I feel indifference, I can see it, but it is still so out of my reach. So much was left open ended in our A. It did not initially end bc of a D-day, there was another situation (of his,not concerning A or me) that he felt he wanted to focus on things at home, but due to feelings for me he didn't know what to do. So he went silent for a couple days and you all know how painful that is after daily contact. I couldn't take it, so I sent a text saying goodbye. He responded 2 days later and said he had to focus on things there "for a while" (?) but would always love me. With that we were NC for 6 weeks.

 

 

He broke the initial NC. I replied and that was it for a while. From there it was VERY LC every 2-3 weeks at most. During an evening of texting (initiated by him) he kind of had a D-day. She read one text, but he did damage control that we just texted only. When she contacted me, I kept the same story. I am sure I was thrown under the bus in some way, but as a MOW, I get it. Had I been caught off guard and my H saw a text from MM I likely would have done the same, I think it's probably a normal defensive reaction. But I did set her straight that text was initiated by him. I am sure MM didn't appreciate that.

 

 

He deleted all of my contact info after that, said W still snooping but begged me to keep in touch during work hours. I didn't for a while. But eventually the discomfort of withdrawal sets in and the ego takes a beating and I reached out 3 months ago. He replied eagerly. We chatted a bit and then the last time I texted him he took longer than normal to reply and I kept checking the phone and getting edgy and decided I can't do this again. And that was the end. He eventually replied and apologized that he was having a super busy day. I was mad that I even initiated the text, but I knew he didn't have my info anymore and wondered if wanted to communicate. It was still him, but it wasn't really the same. But I never replied or texted again since, neither has he.

 

 

I've decided to stay in my own lane and repair the mess I made in my own marriage (H doesn't know). I am not going to feed the MM ego by reaching out while sacrificing what's left of my dignity. I choose to fold and speak with my actions. My hope is to stay resolute in that and spend my time being a better wife and focusing on my marriage and family. So I read here to stay the course and hope to show others struggling that NC is possible even after a year long A. My issue is that if he reaches out, though it appears he won't, I need to ignore him. I am feeling strongly about not contacting him, but I need to feel just as strongly about responding. That's how I know I have not reached indifference, I still miss him. It's such a mixed bag of emotions for me, MM was a great compartmentalizer, he has probably moved on quite well.

 

 

How can you "repair your marriage" without telling your H though. At best, your poor H will still be living a lie--your heart belonged to another man all this time only H didn't even know it.

 

 

And there is always the possibility (probability) that at some point, at some time, there will be some sort of slip and your H will find out.

 

 

All the posts sympathetic to you on here so far are completely missing the point. You are no victim, the real victims are instead your H and family w you as the perpetrator, as you were the one who DECIDED TO betray them. At the very least, I hope you are digging into your "why"s--as in why did you **give yourself permission** to hurt your family like this.

 

 

(We have to call things for what they really are, otherwise they can never really improve)

Edited by Imajerk17
carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

I am wanting to reach healthy indifference, I am not there. Focusing on the marriage sounds so easy, but it is not after something like this. I have told NO ONE (except you lucky folks at LS!) about my situation. Maybe I just needed to get it out.

Do you intend to keep this a secret until you're dead? Some people do. IME, generally, those who have had the best success recovering their M's have been transparent, at least with their spouse. If you're not interested in remaining married, then disclosing doesn't really matter. The risk if not disclosing is discovery. I can use an example from my past life as an OM. After saying goodbye in person to the MW, having had my fill with her lying, I packaged up all her love letters and cards and sent them to her husband.
When A ends and you are married, you cannot grieve openly, or explain why you can't sleep or don't want to eat etc. History gets rewritten during the A so now happiness in M is questionable. And then I wonder how many people divorce while feeling this way only to realize it was part of the A fog and then regret divorcing.
It's OK to grieve privately if that's your choice. The process is within oneself. An emotional attachment died an unnatural death. It's normal to go through the stages of grief. The difference is one doesn't get outside validation of their grief. Perhaps it's a good lesson in autonomy and loving oneself. Regarding divorce, sure that's possible; however, my anecdote set has yet to support that. Marriages, even those ending in divorce, continued many years after affairs. I can't personally think of any that blew up into a divorce right away, except where the clear statement was, paraphrasing 'I'm outta here, don't care who I hurt and this guy/gal was great for that'. Exit affairs. Very rare IME.

 

 

I am trying...
Great. Focus on one success along that path each day. If you need help, see an IC. Psychologists are great tool providers. Your goal is apparently to put this affair behind you and focus on rebuilding a healthy marriage. An IC will work with you on that without regard to any other consideration, should that be your goal.

 

 

We weren't "friends" on any social media, but I did block anyway. We never emailed, fMM is not a stalker, I have deleted his number out of my phone. Have not had any communication in over 3 months.
Contact during the grief period can result in marked setbacks, even if not purposeful. Think of insurance policies for no contact.
Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted
Focusing on the marriage sounds so easy, but it is not after something like this. I have told NO ONE (except you lucky folks at LS!) about my situation. Maybe I just needed to get it out. When A ends and you are married, you cannot grieve openly, or explain why you can't sleep or don't want to eat etc. History gets rewritten during the A so now happiness in M is questionable.

 

Do you think your H has noticed symptoms of your withdrawal?

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Author
InvisibleLady Member

InvisibleLady

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Do you intend to keep this a secret until you're dead? Some people do. IME, generally, those who have had the best success recovering their M's have been transparent, at least with their spouse. If you're not interested in remaining married, then disclosing doesn't really matter. The risk if not disclosing is discovery. I can use an example from my past life as an OM. After saying goodbye in person to the MW, having had my fill with her lying, I packaged up all her love letters and cards and sent them to her husband. It's OK to grieve privately if that's your choice. The process is within oneself. An emotional attachment died an unnatural death. It's normal to go through the stages of grief. The difference is one doesn't get outside validation of their grief. Perhaps it's a good lesson in autonomy and loving oneself. Regarding divorce, sure that's possible; however, my anecdote set has yet to support that. Marriages, even those ending in divorce, continued many years after affairs. I can't personally think of any that blew up into a divorce right away, except where the clear statement was, paraphrasing 'I'm outta here, don't care who I hurt and this guy/gal was great for that'. Exit affairs. Very rare IME.

 

 

Great. Focus on one success along that path each day. If you need help, see an IC. Psychologists are great tool providers. Your goal is apparently to put this affair behind you and focus on rebuilding a healthy marriage. An IC will work with you on that without regard to any other consideration, should that be your goal.

 

 

Contact during the grief period can result in marked setbacks, even if not purposeful. Think of insurance policies for no contact.

 

 

 

 

Thanks for the thoughtful reply.

 

 

For now, yes, I am keeping this to myself. I don't think disclosure is always the best way, though I am sure for some it is. I didn't mention it because it doesn't excuse what I did (and it was many years ago) but I was also a BS. H cheated early in the marriage, so I am no stranger to that side of things. Thus, I know he would forgive me. But to turn his whole world upside down to ease my own conscience and make my pain his to bear is selfish and I have been selfish enough. It is over, I have no intention to re-engage in this A or another so I choose to move forward with a HUGE lesson learned. Discovery can happen, and if it does, I will deal with that. When both APs are M there aren't as many tangible items exchanged (none in this case) that can be sent to BS. And since he had a mini D-day already I am sure he has nothing saved that could be used later. He would not have wanted it found. So the only way exposure can happen would be if fMM confessed (to everything) and then his BS came forward. That is a big IF; fMM had no remorse or regret about the A and asked me to keep in touch even after his Dday. The times that we did have contact after it ended he still made "innuendos" that don't indicate remorse.

 

 

IC is definitely something I am considering. For the sake of moving forward but also to explore why I let this happen. This is not something two years ago I would ever have thought I would engage in.

 

 

I know any contact can be a setback, I experienced it. I am not going to contact fMM again and have done what I can to ensure that. I have read numerous times here where "they always come back", but it has been over for quite a while and I am sure he has moved forward. I wish he had said so or said he wanted NC or something to make it "officially" final. BUT, I have made it final on my end with my actions. DONE!

  • Author
InvisibleLady Member

InvisibleLady

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Do you think your H has noticed symptoms of your withdrawal?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Absolutely.

I chalked it up to a mid-life crisis of sorts, since there were other things happening in my life (unrelated to A ending) that could make a woman have "the blues". Under normal conditions, though, I would not have been as sad or let it get me down.

Thankfully, I am past the worst of it.

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