Married and Lonely

[pepperbird]

I am a member of an internet woman's group, large group, woman of all ages and demographics, US and UK women in the main, not a feminist group, not a relationship group, just normal everyday women from all walks of life.

 

A few weeks ago a member posted that she does not enjoy sex with her husband any more, she had no libido and was a bit upset about him "sulking" about it and "pressurising" her for sex, either directly or indirectly.

She had no interest in sex full stop.

She was met with a huge chorus of women sympathising with her, saying that they were in the same situation. There was little or no sex happening in their relationships, which suited them fine and that their partners/bfs/husbands just needed to "grow up" and put up with it... Some cited pain, fatigue, illness, lack of connection etc. but for many being together was about love surely? Not sex... It was almost as if wanting sex from her was a bad thing, she deserved better than that, if he truly loved her, he would not be asking her for "that"...

Like the wife here said to the counsellor, same attitude, "Why is it (intimacy) such a big deal? Why is it so important? I don't get it."

Of course many who did not post or take part in the discussion may have had differing views but I was a bit taken aback by the speed at which so many of all ages responded with essentially "Me too". It was like the opening of floodgates, she had apparently voiced what so many on there felt...

 

 

A friend of mine expressed the same view. Turns out, it was because her husband, well, he was absolutely unskilled in the sex department.

 

They sought counseling, and while she didn't go into many details ( which wouldn't have been appropriate anyway) it seems he saw himself as being quite the lover, when he was anything but. The counselor helped them to talk about it and from what I can tell, the progress has been slow but it is happening.

 

Op, if your wife were to say to you that her preference is for more "animalistic" sex, would you be okay with that, or does it need to be more romantic for you to feel fulfilled?

[pepperbird]

Why wait to change things?

 

She's not changing no matter what and you're wasting more time thinking she will change.

 

Just do it. Otherwise you're fooling yourself.

 

 

I would assume that it's because he, and justifiably so, needs to be sure he has done whatever he can to make the marriage work before bowing out.

[Mardelis]

I would assume that it's because he, and justifiably so, needs to be sure he has done whatever he can to make the marriage work before bowing out.

 

 

Except he never said that.

 

 

 

If that's indeed the case, then we cannot take him at his word in his first post when he said he's done and one of them is going to move out after the New Year. If we can't go by what a poster says when they tell their story, we're going to be offering up a lot of useless advise and making a lot of assumptions.

[notbroken]

I've been exactly where the OP was at. VERY painful situation. I was never so lonely. You CAN be quite lonely in a crowd.

 

Sadly, I don't think the situation is fixable. That ship likely sailed years ago. Life is short. There are women out there that will desire you. Most humans want desire from their partner - both sexually and otherwise. It is what is missing in your relationship. You can not negotiate desire. Your wife may temporarily agree and appear to want you to keep you in the marriage but it will be temporary.

 

In my case, I was MUCH happier after divorcing. The loneliness was gone almost immediately - and so was the accompanying depression. It is affecting you in ways you can not yet fathom. Don't wait. There is no time like the present. Divorcing is hard. VERY hard. In some circumstances (like this one) it is 100% justified.

[Jane Deaux]

Hey, I know it's not cool to say I told you so but - I kind of warned you about what the reaction of some people would be.

 

Either someone gets it or they don't. Sex for some, including me (a woman), is really important to bonding and connecting with a partner, not just some immediate way to take care of a passing desire. There's nothing selfish or predatory about wanting to have that bonding experience more than once or twice a month or certainly in wanting it to last more than a few minutes. There's nothing wrong with that need being as important to you as friendship and other aspects of the marriage.

 

There are women out there who share that need to bond and connect through sex with the man they love, I'm not the only one. We might not be as vocal as the "all he wants is sex" group of women because we don't want to be judged, but we exist. Menopause doesn't put all of us out to pasture. Believe me.

 

Plenty of people over 50 are having great sex with each other. You just have to find someone who is compatible with your needs.

 

Ending a long marriage is difficult and life changing, no doubt about it. Some people decide it's not worth the emotional and financial consequences. But some of us realize we're more miserable staying and just can't do it anymore. There's no shame either way. Make the decision that is right for you.

 

I am one of these women as well. I have a high sex drive and would find myself completely incompatible with some if they didn't need or desire me the same. There is nothing wrong with either of you. Just incompatible. No, there is nothing wrong with you reaching for more intimacy in your relationship and planning dates. Some women will lose attraction and affection for their husbands over time when the romance disappears, and they can be wooed back with dates and affection, but NO PRESSURE for sex in the beginning. Just bringing the Love back. But I don't think your wife was ever really there with you sexually so I don't think these dates would have worked anyway, even if she didn't sense that your entire intentions were for the dates to end in lovemaking. That is considered pressure when it is with a woman, even a wife that just doesn't want sex with you. You aren't wrong for wanting sex with her or trying to get her to want you as well. But it can be so frustrating for a person to feel obligated and pressured when they are just completely turned off by the whole aspect.

 

Neither of you are wrong. You are also not wrong for needing this aspect. Even if some people on here don't understand how important this is for you as other aspects of a relationship are for them. And to try and be a hypocrite and tell you her needs or lack there of are more important than your needs is just wrong. Neither of your needs or more or less important. Sex and intimacy is a huge need for a lot of people. It is JUST as important as romance, or friendship, or trust or excitement, adventure etc. Everyone has their needs and if one big one isn't being fulfilled then the rest of the marriage can become sodden. You don't have to go without just to appease her needs. Being incompatible is a big deal for many marriages after a long period of time. People change and grow apart. Doesn't make anyone bad people.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Allen, I am sorry that you have not been getting the kind of responses that could help you. In fact most of the responses have been a bit unsympathetic and rather harsh considering that you came here for help and encouragement and if nothing else, at least a sympathetic hearing. Some of the ladies who have responded toward the end have been very sympathetic and understanding but the others who came before including some worthy gentlemen were completely out of sync with your hurt and loneliness. Be that as it may I think the posters towards the end of your thread have been encouraging, understanding and sympathetic towards you. The fact is that the people who do want to help you have given you good advice and the important thing that you have to note is that you have to be proactive, decisive and determined to get yourself out of a miserable situation.

 

The most important thing that you have to realize is that your wife is a lost cause. After all these years and all the effort you have put in to draw her closer to you, emotionally, have failed. The fact is that the initial posters seem to have overlooked the fact that sex is the catalyst which brings two people closer together in an emotional bond. Once the sexual connection fades, it is a given that emotional connection will also weaken. Your wife may love you but she is not 'In love' with you anymore. To keep you around she gives you mercy sex twice a month and that too it is a Wham Bam thank you Ma'am kind of thing that leaves you emotionally dry. I am surprised at the fact that your wife as a woman is given to practicing this kind of sex. Usually it is the men who like to have that kind of sex and get their rocks off. In your case you are the one craving the emotional, long drawn out love making that is the domain of women. Someone suggested that she may be in the throes of an affair and you may like to check out that possibility. If she is not having an affair then it is just that she has retreated into the mother/housewife mode and does not need anything more from you except that you provide a roof over her head and be around to perform the functions that a man of the house is expected to perform.

 

As far as what you can do to alleviate your situation I have two suggestions. The first is that you sit your wife down and tell her plainly that this sexless situation is unacceptable to you and therefore she should agree to have an open marriage where you can get your needs met. I know that most people would not find this acceptable but as they say 'Desperate times desperate solutions'. If this is unacceptable to her then you have to put the alternative of divorce before her. If she wants to try for a while to see if things can improve between the two of you then it is up to you whether you want to go for it and if so, what is your timeline to see positive and long lasting results from this. Actually her response to your ultimatum for a divorce will tell you where things are headed. I know that this is unconventional and a bit harsh but it is either this or the alternative that you cave in and spend the rest of your life in a sexless marriage all the while gnashing your teeth.One thing I will advise is that you not cheat on her as you did before to meet your needs. Divorce is the best option in such a case. Hope this helps to some extent. Best wishes.

[BettyDraper]

I don't understand why some LS members believe that husbands' sexual needs mean nothing compared to wives' preferences. It's a very strange double standard which borders on sexism. Husbands who complain about wanting more sex are usually admonished to be more sensitive, romantic, and considerate. Where is the consideration for husbands?

 

Sex is an important part of an adult relationship. Those who do not want to have sex should be single. It is perfectly reasonable for a spouse to want sex and that goes for both partners in a marriage.

 

I don't condone infidelity but I understand why some WS get fed up and cheat because their spouses refuse to at least try to meet their sexual needs.

[Pastypop]

Twenty five years ago, my husband decided that he was not going to have open, loving intimate relationship with me. We would have sex but he never shares his feelings, needs, dreams nor offers much in companionship. He never told me any of this so I could attempt to fix it.

 

As you can guess, it’s been a really painful, unloving, lonely marriage for me. In order to cope with the lack of love, I’ve done things that I’m not proud of and will never do again. I would love to have someone in my life who would book trips, explore the world with me and be my partner in crime.

 

I take wonderful trips every year and see amazing things alone. It is so sad. Now, I’ve taken a job with a four hour commute. Thinking about getting a place here and running away until I can decide what to do. Thinking it would be nice to come home to a clean, organized, quite place with no kids(and their drama)for a year or two. I know right off the bat that he would never bother to call or check in on me.

 

Hope you make a decision that right for you and you can find your happiness. Being with someone who doesn’t love nor want you is so, so hard!!