Married and Lonely

[MidwestUSA]

Oh,,,there are options..If they don't mind the facial and chest hair, back acne, deeper voice and increased muscle mass, some testosterone injections would surely wake her up...

 

TFY

 

There is a drug slated for release next year, basically a female Viagra. Yea, I know there's one already out there. It hasn't been successful.

 

The mechanism of action is different with this one. Google female HSDD.

[d0nnivain]

I suppose you will have to talk to her about how much sex you do want & what you are willing to accept. Right now you are having sex 1-2 x per month, which is not enough for you. If you are expecting 1-2x per day that is probably never going to happen. Even if you get a new partner, after a few weeks of hot & heavy most people have lives that interfere with such a pace.

 

Your wife's comment to the therapist that she doesn't understand what the big deal is is the most heart breaking part of this & why I doubt it can be fixed. It sounds like she is not willing to try.

 

The right compromise is she gives more then she wants & you accept less then you want (but which is still more then you are getting now). Sounds like she is adverse to change.

 

Sex is important but is it the alter on which you want to sacrifice your marriage? Lonely can be fixed in the marriage just get a hobby or make new friends. Self pleasure is an option. If you divorce there will be financial & emotional costs. Are you prepared for those? How sure are you that you will be able to find a partner who fulfills your needs? What if you never do? Will getting divorced still have been worth it?

 

Only you know the answer to those Qs. But you better ask them before you do anything.

 

Have you tried getting that widowed friend to speak to your wife?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Ugh. This is just utterly cringe-worthy. Ladies here, I ask you, would any of you be turned on by this?

 

Not in the slightest. Now, if SHE had said it to HIM, considering their circumstances, it would have been sweet.

[Artdeco]

Not in the slightest. Now, if SHE had said it to HIM, considering their circumstances, it would have been sweet.

 

Couldn’t agree more. Even though I am soooo totally 100% sure that he meant well, it comes across as pressure. Like “I am telling you what I want for the next year.” And of course her reaction disappointed him again. It sounds like this is an endless cycle of dissatisfaction for both of them.

[Veronica73]

Ugh. This is just utterly cringe-worthy. Ladies here, I ask you, would any of you be turned on by this?

 

Ugh is the perfect word for this. And I agree with the rest of the post as well.

[elaine567]

You are 57, how old is she?

[allenfrank194]

Boy, y'all are tough. lol

 

Please know that this New Year's thing was a nice touching moment after wonderful love making.

 

I only meant it in the best way possible for us as a couple hopefully finding our love again.

 

Besides, would hoping for love making more than once a month with your spouse be so terrible? Don't answer that, it's rhetorical. Besides, some of you only look at things from some weird negative hostile perspective and choose to make it sound like I'm trying to tie her down and force her to have sex with her husband. I'd want nothing of the sort. If someone isn't into me and want me, I want nothing to do with it.

 

I hear about guys who still have sex with their wives when they don't love them anymore or know the marriage is failing and do it anyway. I can't do that and is the reason I won't initiate sex with her again.

 

She's 53 and yes, has been going through menopause, although she says she has no symptoms. Remember, this in not something that started with menopause.

 

I have been going through a bit of a mid-life crisis as well. She called it drama when I was struggling and allowed myself to expose it all. She even reiterated it as drama as she was driving me to a surgery I had to have a couple of years ago. I was scared and she couldn't have been colder.

[Juha]

After reading the whole thread, your posts, and thinking about this situation.

I then compared it to some friends situations which are the same.

 

I can't understand why you are still in this marriage. You are totally unhappy, have tried to work on it, and your wife does not want to work on it.

 

She is just going through the motions, she is not interested in being with you from what you wrote. This whole relationship is an awful example of what a good loving healthy relationship should be and is.

 

Like I have said a couple of friends were in the same situation, one got out. moved on. His wife could have cared less, he met a new woman that adores him and he adores her. His kids can see a good example of what a relationship should be. He is totally happy. His ex is totally miserable by her own doing.

 

My other friend sucked it up and figured he would stay for the kids. It is just an awful situation. He is miserable, his wife is miserable, they both date others and hide it. They do not bring it home. The kids see this and have no idea what a good relationship should be and are both in therapy. They are probably doomed to repeat their parents mistakes..

 

Do what you think is the best thing for you and your son. You only have one life and wasting it in a bad situation being unhappy is not the best use of your time here. You deserve better....

 

I wish you luck in whatever you do

[Mardelis]

I only meant it in the best way possible for us as a couple hopefully finding our love again.

 

There is no "best way" to tell her something she doesn't want to hear. Try to put yourself in her shoes. Pick a food you hate. I'll pick tomatos. If someone said to me "I'm going to feed you twice as many tomatos next year", no matter how they said it or why they said it or what their intentions might have been to say it, I don't want any tomatos!

 

Besides, would hoping for love making more than once a month with your spouse be so terrible?

 

For her, it is.

 

If someone isn't into me and want me, I want nothing to do with it.

 

She is clearly not into having sex with you.

 

I can't do that and is the reason I won't initiate sex with her again.

 

You are not going to ever initiate sex with your wife again? That's a rather dramatic shift from telling her you'll be having sex twice as much as before. All that's going to happen is that you'll have half as much sex as you did last year.

 

She's 53 and yes, has been going through menopause, although she says she has no symptoms.

 

Menopause probably has nothing to do with her lack of interest with sex.

 

I have been going through a bit of a mid-life crisis as well. She called it drama when I was struggling and allowed myself to expose it all. She even reiterated it as drama as she was driving me to a surgery I had to have a couple of years ago. I was scared and she couldn't have been colder.

 

These are huge red flags. She has no tolerance, compassion or caring for you based on what you wrote here. What you have posted so far is only the tip of the proverbial iceberg.

Edited September 25, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix spacing

[preraph]

Do you think you would be able to find a new sexy loving relationship if you left the marriage? It's not easy for older people to find love again. I don't know the situation of who you cheated with. Is this someone who wants to be in a relationship?

[allenfrank194]

Yes, I will be leaving come the first of the year.

Why didn't I sooner?

1. I wanted to give it a chance and do my part to adapt, be patient and hopefully she'll come around, fix it (yes, we all think we can fix things/people. We can't!)

2. I wanted to wait until my boy was a bit older and at least got to 13.

3. Finances are going to be VERY tough for both of us. She makes as much as me but the SF Bay is an expensive place to live.

4. We have a major international family trip scheduled for December.

 

I agree...life is too short. When we're young we don't take this phrase seriously...I do now. I've had several friends and family members get horribly sick and/or die at early ages. I want more from life and won't sit around hoping for the best.

 

Do I worry I'll be old and alone???

YES, my biggest fear is being even more lonely than I am today. But as was mentioned, happiness is more important and I'm willing to take my chances. Again, as mentioned, we are not setting a good example of a loving healthy relationship for our boy. We don't fight very much, but there's not visible romance either.

 

Thank you all for your posts; I'm grateful! You've brought me to tears today and I don't even know you. I'm sad and heart broken by all of this. I feel she abandoned our marriage. I don't want to break up my home/family, but will for our combined health and happiness.

 

I'm sad and get deeply depressed about it, but I have accepted my situation and have plans to change it.

[elaine567]

I am a member of an internet woman's group, large group, woman of all ages and demographics, US and UK women in the main, not a feminist group, not a relationship group, just normal everyday women from all walks of life.

 

A few weeks ago a member posted that she does not enjoy sex with her husband any more, she had no libido and was a bit upset about him "sulking" about it and "pressurising" her for sex, either directly or indirectly.

She had no interest in sex full stop.

She was met with a huge chorus of women sympathising with her, saying that they were in the same situation. There was little or no sex happening in their relationships, which suited them fine and that their partners/bfs/husbands just needed to "grow up" and put up with it... Some cited pain, fatigue, illness, lack of connection etc. but for many being together was about love surely? Not sex... It was almost as if wanting sex from her was a bad thing, she deserved better than that, if he truly loved her, he would not be asking her for "that"...

Like the wife here said to the counsellor, same attitude, "Why is it (intimacy) such a big deal? Why is it so important? I don't get it."

Of course many who did not post or take part in the discussion may have had differing views but I was a bit taken aback by the speed at which so many of all ages responded with essentially "Me too". It was like the opening of floodgates, she had apparently voiced what so many on there felt...

[preraph]

As far as finances, maybe you could keep the home so the boy lives there consistently, and then you keep a small apartment where you take turns staying when the other has custody. It's still more money, but it's an option a lot of people seem to like. Then you have your bachelor pad, though you may still have to fight over housekeeping for both homes now...

[spiderowl]

It's hard to take but she does not want to make love with you any more, for whatever reason. It could be hormones, it could be she never enjoyed it much anyway (didn't have much of a sex drive or your style of having sex differs too much) but she is avoiding it.

 

I can see why someone in this situation might try an affair: losing all security, possibly your home and reduced access to your son, is a scary prospect. Far easier to have an affair (except that you are dragging someone else into the situation).

 

It seems you have a several options:

 

1) Stay with your wife and give up on a sex life;

 

2) Stay with your wife and have affairs (if she will put up with it) but try to avoid emotional entanglements with other women or you will end up in a worse mess;

 

3) Separate and get a divorce.

 

This is harming your health. Divorce would be a difficult process and there will be a lot of uncertainty and some loss involved, but there is a potential life after divorce. I don't know many divorcees who actually want their previous partners back, even if life proves to be harder after divorce.

[preraph]

When reading this thread, the word "intimacy" has been used a lot, when it seems like it's not talking about intimacy but is just talking about sex. Intimacy is when you could sit down with your wife and have a heart-to-heart about why she doesn't want sex. I've always heard that men need sex in order to feel intimacy, but I never took that too seriously since every guy I ever knew fell straight to sleep after sex unless they were afraid of you.

[preraph]

Engima, I'm only going to dignify your mean spirited reply by saying you have misread me and have jumped to conclusions and passed judgement on someone based on fragments of information here.

 

To everyone, I've NEVER tried to pressure her to have sex...NEVER. Quite the opposite, I probably let it go too long without saying something. Many many nights I'd go to bed wondering why she doesn't and what I did to bring this about.

 

I'd go many weeks without saying a word about it because I know you cannot pressure people to have sex. Perhaps those accusing me of this didn't read that I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't want to be with me. Pressuring them doesn't create desire from the other person.

 

I'm not an idiot and if I wanted to go through many posts here and find fragments of information to jump on judge people I could too...that's easy **** people. I'm not sure how or why people would do such a thing, but I guess they have the time and get their jollies from doing so.

 

I'm not a bad person and won't let anyone paint me out to be. I've tried to handle this the best way I know how for all of us.

 

As an FYI, when my W confronted me about the brief affair she said she didn't blame me...she said she might have done the same thing if she was me. Her ex husband had an affair on her as well.

 

No one is bad or evil here!!! We are all flawed human beings trying our best to be good people, parents, business partners, friends, community members while taking care of our own needs, wants and dreams.

 

Everything you described was pressuring her. We don't mean pressure like rape or physical forcing her. We mean the constant angling and plotting and staying focused on getting her to have sex instead of just respecting her needs and maybe taking care of your own needs yourself, like SO many older people who are either in partnership or alone do all around us without any bad repercussions.

[FMW]

Hey, I know it's not cool to say I told you so but - I kind of warned you about what the reaction of some people would be.

 

Either someone gets it or they don't. Sex for some, including me (a woman), is really important to bonding and connecting with a partner, not just some immediate way to take care of a passing desire. There's nothing selfish or predatory about wanting to have that bonding experience more than once or twice a month or certainly in wanting it to last more than a few minutes. There's nothing wrong with that need being as important to you as friendship and other aspects of the marriage.

 

There are women out there who share that need to bond and connect through sex with the man they love, I'm not the only one. We might not be as vocal as the "all he wants is sex" group of women because we don't want to be judged, but we exist. Menopause doesn't put all of us out to pasture. Believe me.

 

Plenty of people over 50 are having great sex with each other. You just have to find someone who is compatible with your needs.

 

Ending a long marriage is difficult and life changing, no doubt about it. Some people decide it's not worth the emotional and financial consequences. But some of us realize we're more miserable staying and just can't do it anymore. There's no shame either way. Make the decision that is right for you.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

As an FYI, when my W confronted me about the brief affair she said she didn't blame me...she said she might have done the same thing if she was me. Her ex husband had an affair on her as well.

 

Perhaps an open marriage would work for you. You two are completely incompatible sexually.

[BaileyB]

I will chime in to agree that when I read your posts, I most definitely feel like you are trying to at best "encourage," at worst "pressure," your wife into sex.

 

I don't blame you. I would be very unhappy if I was in a sexless marriage too.

 

But, you can't get blood from a stone. It seems, you are very incompatable in regards to intimacy/sex and it is what it is...

 

When I read your posts, I find that they have two themes - justifying your desire to have a loving partner who is interested in sex with you and then, discussing ideas to try and increase your wife's interest in sex.

 

It ain't going to happen. She has decided that it's not something she wants. There is probably not much that you can do to convince her otherwise...

 

There are plenty of women over fifty who enjoy sex. If this relationship truely isn't meeting your needs, it's time to consider alternatives - like open marriage or divorce.

 

If you have any feelings for your wife, cheating is obviously not your best option... Best wishes.

[BaileyB]

There is no "best way" to tell her something she doesn't want to hear. Try to put yourself in her shoes. Pick a food you hate. I'll pick tomatos. If someone said to me "I'm going to feed you twice as many tomatos next year", no matter how they said it or why they said it or what their intentions might have been to say it, I don't want any tomatos!

 

This pretty much says it. Great analogy!

[vla1120]

Yes, I will be leaving come the first of the year.

Why didn't I sooner?

1. I wanted to give it a chance and do my part to adapt, be patient and hopefully she'll come around, fix it (yes, we all think we can fix things/people. We can't!)

2. I wanted to wait until my boy was a bit older and at least got to 13.

3. Finances are going to be VERY tough for both of us. She makes as much as me but the SF Bay is an expensive place to live.

4. We have a major international family trip scheduled for December.

 

I agree...life is too short. When we're young we don't take this phrase seriously...I do now. I've had several friends and family members get horribly sick and/or die at early ages. I want more from life and won't sit around hoping for the best.

 

Do I worry I'll be old and alone???

YES, my biggest fear is being even more lonely than I am today. But as was mentioned, happiness is more important and I'm willing to take my chances. Again, as mentioned, we are not setting a good example of a loving healthy relationship for our boy. We don't fight very much, but there's not visible romance either.

 

Thank you all for your posts; I'm grateful! You've brought me to tears today and I don't even know you. I'm sad and heart broken by all of this. I feel she abandoned our marriage. I don't want to break up my home/family, but will for our combined health and happiness.

 

I'm sad and get deeply depressed about it, but I have accepted my situation and have plans to change it.

 

I left my husband after 32 yrs of marriage (because then my daughters were all grown and I thought they could handle it.) We'd had a tumultuous marriage, cheating was involved, and we were also sexually incompatible. But, he was a good father, I was a good mother, and our daughters remember growing up in a loving, nurturing environment. Now, four years later, while marriage number 2 is crumbling, I am left wishing I had worked harder to stay in my first marriage. We had already gone throughout the most difficult stuff - infidelity, financial unrest, raising the kids, etc. But no. I felt I had been cheated out of true happiness and reasoned with myself that we only get one ride on the merry-go-round and it was my turn to go out and find "happiness."

 

Yeah, you'll meet some new woman. The sex will be great. You'll feel that connection you were missing with your wife. Who says that will work out any better than this relationship? You said it yourself - your wife is a good person. You are a good person. Do you know how hard it is to find a good person with no serious baggage at our age? Throw in step children, ex-spouses and other family issues and watch the drama unfold. And sure, your son will adjust. Will he be happy only having one parent at a time? No.

 

I keep saying it out here. I had a marriage counselor who told me once - it's not so much trying to get one of the people in the marriage to change to satisfy the other. Sometimes it is a matter of ACCEPTING what is. There are a LOT worse things in life than being married to a woman who does not enjoy sex as much as you. One of those "worse" things is breaking up your family and taking the benefit of two full time parents away from your son.

 

Think long and hard, my friend.

[Whodatdog]

Maybe Im reading this wrong, but Im seeing this is far more than sex now and again. He said earlier he set up trips and dates and she wasnt interested. Huge red flag. Sounds like she isnt even interested in being a companion to him. No dates? no trips?

 

Then what is the point of being married, really? Dont people want to marry their best friend, to have some intimacy, to have a date companion, to go do stuff together? If all that is gone, what is left, especially after the children are grown and gone?

 

I know of so many people who have gotten divorced later on in life, and have quickly found the new love of their life. If happens a lot, because theres a lot of older people (not saying the op is older) looking for companionship and love.

 

Life is short, and for us its getting shorter all the time. Make the most of it.

[elaine567]

Maybe Im reading this wrong, but Im seeing this is far more than sex now and again. He said earlier he set up trips and dates and she wasnt interested. Huge red flag. Sounds like she isnt even interested in being a companion to him. No dates? no trips?

.

 

I don't think she was uninterested in the dates and trips she just wasn't interested in sex when he went on dates and trips with her.

Each activity he arranged seems to be geared to persuading her to have sex with him and I guess that got old for her pretty fast. She saw through the "treats" and activities and realised they were only done to coax her into having sex...

[Mardelis]

A lot of posters missed in his very first post that he's planning to divorce her after the first of the year.

 

 

As another poster said, why wait? If it's over, then get it done. No reason to go on a family trip and perpetuate the misery.

[pepperbird]

op,

 

 

I'm not trying to be flip when I say this, but I'm not surprised by your wife at all.

 

 

Have you actually sat your wife down and explained to her, very clearly, why you want to be intimate with her? Does she really understand how you need it to feel bonded and connected to her?

 

 

Think of it this way. So often in mass media, sex is portrayed as a biological need for men and nothing more. There an unspoken undercurrent that all men care about is getting off, and so long as that happens, that's all that's needed.

 

 

For lots of guys, the reality couldn't be further from the truth, but that's not the message being put out there.

 

 

 

Let your wife know, in no uncertain terms, how important this is to you and why. What does she need to feel connected to you? Can you offer to improve in that area and ask her to do the same for you when it comes it intimacy?

 

Also,when did you have the affair? was it before or after all of this? If it was before, well, I'm not surprised she's not too interested in prolonged sex with you.