Best way to handle flakes?

[MaleIntuition]

You have just finished cleaning your apartment, prepared a decent, not to cheesy, playlist; and dug out those candles. During the last few days, they’ve seemed a bit more distant. An hour or so before the scheduled date they tell you they can’t make it - or even worse - they simply doesn’t show up: You’ve just experienced a flake.

 

What’s the best way to handle flakes?

 

Argument 1: They have just disrespected you and your time; anger is the correct respons. Accepting such behaviour shows weakness and tells them that you accept said behaviour.

 

Argument 2: You are an independent, laid back, person with plenty of backup plans (no one needs to know that this evenings backup was to watch re-runs of friends). Acting cool and unaffected is the correct response.

 

Of course there are quite a lot of factors to consider:

- How legit was the excuse?

- How was it communicated phone/text/not at all?

- Personality; extroverted vs introverted.

- How much do you want that date.

 

So, LS: What do you think? Have you ever been the one to cancel a date last minute; how did he or she respond?

[PegNosePete]

For me, if they have a "legit" excuse (meaning they or a family member are in hospital or at a police station or similar) then I would understand, and reschedule.

 

Cancelling with no legit excuse is an instant NEXT from me. There's no need to act with anger or cool or unaffected; I have no need for such games. They blew their chances so there's no need to act any way or indeed, to talk to them again.

[salparadise]

 

Cancelling with no legit excuse is an instant NEXT from me. There's no need to act with anger or cool or unaffected; I have no need for such games. They blew their chances so there's no need to act any way or indeed, to talk to them again.

 

Yes. The question here is not how you deal with them, it's how you process it so as not to all them to deplete any more of your mental/emotional resources. They don't give a sh*t, so protesting serves only to enhance their presumptive superiority. No response is the best you can do, and if you're lucky you might get a chance to overtly ignore them twice.

[Andy_K]

Argument 1: They have just disrespected you and your time; anger is the correct respons. Accepting such behaviour shows weakness and tells them that you accept said behaviour.

 

Argument 2: You are an independent, laid back, person with plenty of backup plans (no one needs to know that this evenings backup was to watch re-runs of friends). Acting cool and unaffected is the correct response.

 

The thing about argument 1... Anger solves nothing. You don't need to be angry in order to 'not accept' such behaviour. Nor do you need to engage and call them out on it either. You can just ignore them or explain calmly if they try to get in touch again.

 

Normally the first cancellation, if combined with an apology and genuine attempt to reschedule, isn't a reason to dismiss someone. More than that and it starts to become a personality trait, and that tells you what you need to know.

[coolheadal]

You have just finished cleaning your apartment, prepared a decent, not to cheesy, playlist; and dug out those candles. During the last few days, they’ve seemed a bit more distant. An hour or so before the scheduled date they tell you they can’t make it - or even worse - they simply doesn’t show up: You’ve just experienced a flake.

 

What’s the best way to handle flakes?

 

Argument 1: They have just disrespected you and your time; anger is the correct respons. Accepting such behaviour shows weakness and tells them that you accept said behaviour.

 

Argument 2: You are an independent, laid back, person with plenty of backup plans (no one needs to know that this evenings backup was to watch re-runs of friends). Acting cool and unaffected is the correct response.

 

Of course there are quite a lot of factors to consider:

- How legit was the excuse?

- How was it communicated phone/text/not at all?

- Personality; extroverted vs introverted.

- How much do you want that date.

 

So, LS: What do you think? Have you ever been the one to cancel a date last minute; how did he or she respond?

 

Never a win or no win scenario. If you have back-ups they use them yes, stronger people won't care if they show-up or not. Call-up someone else to replace the non-show-up. Move on. Excuses are excuses no beating around that one.

[snowboy91]

Sure, I'd be upset but option 2 all the way. I'd just go and grab myself a drink somewhere - who knows, I might be lucky and meet someone there. Or I might just enjoy a quiet drink. I'll have still had fun, so their loss

[kendahke]

What’s the best way to handle flakes?

 

Set them adrift immediately. Life is too short for BS.

[kendahke]

Argument 1: They have just disrespected you and your time; anger is the correct respons. Accepting such behaviour shows weakness and tells them that you accept said behaviour.

 

Argument 2: You are an independent, laid back, person with plenty of backup plans (no one needs to know that this evenings backup was to watch re-runs of friends). Acting cool and unaffected is the correct response.

 

I'm not going to get into any kind of argument or display of emotion or play games with someone who flaked on me. I will just disappear and seal off all avenues to connect with me.

[preraph]

If it's not an emergency, I just wouldn't ask them anywhere again. If it is an emergency, I wouldn't hold it against them -- but it's hardly ever a real emergency, more like better things to do or losing interest.

[Imajerk17]

You have just finished cleaning your apartment, prepared a decent, not to cheesy, playlist; and dug out those candles. During the last few days, they’ve seemed a bit more distant. An hour or so before the scheduled date they tell you they can’t make it - or even worse - they simply doesn’t show up: You’ve just experienced a flake.

 

What’s the best way to handle flakes?

 

 

 

 

Well, in the situation you described above, it sounds to me that your date actually wasn't ready to come to your place for a date, and didn't know how to tell you this. Bringing this up in case the situation you described wasn't a mere hypothetical.

 

 

 

 

 

Argument 1: They have just disrespected you and your time; anger is the correct respons. Accepting such behaviour shows weakness and tells them that you accept said behaviour.

 

Argument 2: You are an independent, laid back, person with plenty of backup plans (no one needs to know that this evenings backup was to watch re-runs of friends). Acting cool and unaffected is the correct response.

 

Of course there are quite a lot of factors to consider:

- How legit was the excuse?

- How was it communicated phone/text/not at all?

- Personality; extroverted vs introverted.

- How much do you want that date.

 

So, LS: What do you think? Have you ever been the one to cancel a date last minute; how did he or she respond?

Well, real talk here, I would not be above the feeling of anger. It is rude frustrating and disrespectful.

 

Ghosting is unfortunately a fact of dating these days. All those apps seem to make people view the people they make contact with as disposable. Anyway a few times I DID send a text saying that I wished they could have been more upfront. And maybe once or twice I actually have gotten an apology. The other times, crickets. If someone doesn't want to deal with you anymore they just don't want to deal with you anymore. And if this is how they handle things, you don't want to deal with them anymore either.

 

If there is anything I have learned, is that with ghosters the issue is usually with THEM. Basically they changed their minds about getting together with you, and instead of owning that and letting you know courteously, they just disappear to avoid an awkward situation for them. Maybe there is something w her ex or another guy she is seeing or whatever and she doesn't know how to explain this to you or she doesn't feel you are entitled to an explanation (This is assuming that you didn't say anything creepy or do something stupid like disappear for the whole week before your scheduled date.)

Edited September 24, 2018 by Imajerk17

[bathtub-row]

Anger doesn’t solve anything. There’s a way to let someone know they crossed a line with you without ever getting raising your voice or getting angry on any level. You simply don’t tolerate it. End of story.

 

Even under the heading of “legitimate excuse”, in this day and age, I would find it exceedingly difficult to believe that a person can’t find one second to contact another person and let them know what’s going on. The only time this would be excusable is when a major tragedy has struck.

 

I think the person acting distant prior to the date would also be a factor in me not tolerating the behavior. It’s simply a matter of moving on. If they ask for an explanation, let them know that you’re not into being disrespected and that you don’t give second chances that early into the relationship.