AmyHershaw Posted September 24, 2018 Posted September 24, 2018 I was in a relationship with a guy who I was best friends with before we got together. The first seven months of the relationship were perfectly fine, but then he started being agitated with me a lot and having a go at me over minor things which didn't need to be made a fuss of (such as moving speakers on his desk), telling me I'm stupid sometimes. One minute, he would be kind and complimentary towards me, then he'd snap at me over anything and everything the next minute and it made me feel awful. There were times when I'd become annoyed with him, but that happened occasionally rather than nearly every day. I sat down with him and tried talking to him about it, telling him it was hurting me and his response was "I don't know what to say" and he had his back facing me the entire time. I left him to consider it, but heard nothing from him for five days, so that's when I decided to end it. Although he said he was upset, he didn't try to convince me otherwise or tell me there was a chance the relationship could be saved. After we broke up, we tried being friends, but he told me he still loves me and I still had feelings for him and that lead to us starting to act like we were a couple again. I've hardly heard anything from him now in the last few weeks, he doesn't ask me to hang out with him anymore, even when I announced on Facebook I had passed my driving test and gotten my first job, I heard nothing from him. It's hurt me massively that I've lost someone I was once so close to and had so much in common with. I've been trying to take my mind off him, but it doesn't always work and it still feels odd not seeing him everyday like I used to and not having someone to cuddle at night. I live in student accommodation, so I do get lonely sometimes when my friends are busy and I feel silly for wanting him there after how he was towards the end of the relationship and how he's been recently.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 24, 2018 Posted September 24, 2018 Break-ups can hurt even when the relationship had no future and was making you unhappy. You were used to his presence in your life, but it's far lonelier to be with a guy like this than to be on your own. Having a boyfriend who barely notices you and seems constantly irritated by you will do a number of your self-esteem and it's not the better alternative to being single. I would delete him off your social media as well, so you're not tempted to take a peak at his, or post things that you hope will garner a response from him. 2
Author AmyHershaw Posted September 24, 2018 Author Posted September 24, 2018 Thank you for your reply! What you say is very true, the relationship wouldn't have worked out, since I couldn't sit down with him and discuss any issues. That is also true, I did get used to having him around. I will move on at some point, it's just very difficult at present. Yes, it did make me feel bad about myself and cause me to believe that I was stupid and couldn't do anything right. Thank you for the advice, I'll take what you said into consideration.
Mardelis Posted September 24, 2018 Posted September 24, 2018 Not understanding the part of your post where you say you tried to talk to him about what was bothering you and he had his back to you the entire time. What does that mean? He turned around and completely ignored you while you were trying to communicate with him? If so that's really bad- he's totally disrespecting you and honestly it's rather odd that he would just turn around and give you his back like that. Also another minor point I picked up on- he was annoyed because you moved speakers on his desk. Why are you moving his stuff around? Some people get upset when they feel like their personal space is being invaded, it does sound somewhat controlling unless there's more to it. If you tend to do these sorts of things I could see where a partner might have issues with it. 1
Author AmyHershaw Posted September 24, 2018 Author Posted September 24, 2018 Thank you for your reply. He was sat on his computer playing a video game whilst I were trying to talk to him about it and never turned round to look at me, even when I broke down. With regards to moving the speakers on his desk, they were still on his desk, I didn't move them somewhere he couldn't see them. I just moved them to one side of the desk so I could have room to eat my dinner on his desk as there was stuff everywhere and I didn't want to eat on his bed. No, I rarely ever touched his stuff, I was using that as an example of him having a go at me over minor things. He once had a go at me when I were on call to a friend breaking the news about an interview he'd gotten and I told my friend the wrong date as I'd forgotten and he yelled at me for it, it was always small things like that.
Mardelis Posted September 24, 2018 Posted September 24, 2018 I was using that as an example of him having a go at me over minor things. He once had a go at me when I were on call to a friend breaking the news about an interview he'd gotten and I told my friend the wrong date as I'd forgotten and he yelled at me for it, it was always small things like that. Looks like you did nothing out of line, he was just looking for reasons to pick a fight with you. Either he wanted to break up for a while or he's just not a nice guy. Probably both. 1
Author AmyHershaw Posted September 24, 2018 Author Posted September 24, 2018 He has said since we broke up he's noticed he has a problem controlling his temper and he nearly got a verbal warning at work for shouting at others, whether he'll ever seek help or try to find ways to control it, I have no idea. I think it is how he is, unfortunately. He has dated loads of girls in the past, but none of the relationships lasted longer than a month.
Mardelis Posted September 24, 2018 Posted September 24, 2018 none of the relationships lasted longer than a month. Do not underestimate the significance of never being with another person in a relationship for more than 30 days. It's a HUGE red flag. 1
Author AmyHershaw Posted September 24, 2018 Author Posted September 24, 2018 I agree with you, I should have questioned it when he revealed it to me. Some of his exes were unfaithful and that isn't right, but I met some while I were with him (the ones who didn't cheat) and they all seemed nice. I actually befriended one of them while I were with him and when we broke up, she was upset about how he was with me and said I made the decision breaking up with him. I'll be more cautious in the future.
Mardelis Posted September 24, 2018 Posted September 24, 2018 Some of his exes were unfaithful No, he TOLD you that some of his ex's were unfaithful and you took his word for it. Think about it. He's going out with all these different women for less than 30 days and they cheated on him during that time? It's unusual for cheating to happen so early in a relationship- either he's extremely unlucky or his picker is way off or he's not being honest with you. It appears that when you have met some of these women they have also contradicted what he told you. Don't be so quick to trust people you hardly know who may have other motivations that are not in your best interest. That especially applies to single men on dating sites.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 25, 2018 Posted September 25, 2018 He has said since we broke up he's noticed he has a problem controlling his temper and he nearly got a verbal warning at work for shouting at others, whether he'll ever seek help or try to find ways to control it, I have no idea. I think it is how he is, unfortunately. He has dated loads of girls in the past, but none of the relationships lasted longer than a month. These are all big red flags, OP. I have been down that road, with a guy who had anger problems, and it didn't end well. Be grateful you got out now.
Author AmyHershaw Posted September 25, 2018 Author Posted September 25, 2018 No, he TOLD you that some of his ex's were unfaithful and you took his word for it. Think about it. He's going out with all these different women for less than 30 days and they cheated on him during that time? It's unusual for cheating to happen so early in a relationship- either he's extremely unlucky or his picker is way off or he's not being honest with you. It appears that when you have met some of these women they have also contradicted what he told you. Don't be so quick to trust people you hardly know who may have other motivations that are not in your best interest. That especially applies to single men on dating sites. I understand where you're coming from. He didn't tell me all of them cheated, just some, but I know what you mean.
Author AmyHershaw Posted September 25, 2018 Author Posted September 25, 2018 These are all big red flags, OP. I have been down that road, with a guy who had anger problems, and it didn't end well. Be grateful you got out now. Yes, friends of mine were worried that I stayed with him, it might develop into something worse. I'm not saying he would have reached a point where he starts lashing out for definite, but it was a probability with the way he was acting. It has knocked my self-esteem, being spoken to how I was, but I agree with you that it was the right decision to break up with him rather than risk it progressing to that stage.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 25, 2018 Posted September 25, 2018 Yes, friends of mine were worried that I stayed with him, it might develop into something worse. I'm not saying he would have reached a point where he starts lashing out for definite, but it was a probability with the way he was acting. It has knocked my self-esteem, being spoken to how I was, but I agree with you that it was the right decision to break up with him rather than risk it progressing to that stage. And you don't know that it wouldn't have, either. You are wise to not have ruled that out as a possibility. The point is, you shouldn't even entertain the idea of a relationship with someone who has problems controlling their anger. Worrying about whether verbal lashings will escalate into something more shouldn't even be on the list of concerns in a healthy relationship.
Author AmyHershaw Posted September 25, 2018 Author Posted September 25, 2018 And you don't know that it wouldn't have, either. You are wise to not have ruled that out as a possibility. The point is, you shouldn't even entertain the idea of a relationship with someone who has problems controlling their anger. Worrying about whether verbal lashings will escalate into something more shouldn't even be on the list of concerns in a healthy relationship. That's true, thank you again for replying. No, I agree it's unhealthy for a relationship. I'm just still a little shocked and hurt that it became that way. I suppose I just have to keep reminding myself of how he was towards the end rather than keep thinking of the times he was nice to me as well as keep telling myself I can now find someone who won't treat me that way.
Gretchen12 Posted September 25, 2018 Posted September 25, 2018 He can't function in a romantic relationship. That's a fact you cannot change. He has a life of turmoil and loneliness ahead of him. I doubt it's just having a bad temper. It's also a warped perception. He might get therapy that improves his behavior but that's a long road. Bad luck you got into this early in your life. But you couldn't have known. Many people like him are fine as just friends, it's when you get close to them... (did you observe him irritated with you, but appearing normal to others? That's common - the problem isn't you!) Most men are not like this so don't let it affect you later on. Just be glad you're not him! 1
Author AmyHershaw Posted September 25, 2018 Author Posted September 25, 2018 He can't function in a romantic relationship. That's a fact you cannot change. He has a life of turmoil and loneliness ahead of him. I doubt it's just having a bad temper. It's also a warped perception. He might get therapy that improves his behavior but that's a long road. Bad luck you got into this early in your life. But you couldn't have known. Many people like him are fine as just friends, it's when you get close to them... (did you observe him irritated with you, but appearing normal to others? That's common - the problem isn't you!) Most men are not like this so don't let it affect you later on. Just be glad you're not him! Thank you for your reply! It appears he can't. He's had all these short relationships, but he can't seem to realise what he's doing wrong. It would be good if he did seek professional help, but I doubt he'll ever do that. He just kept telling me the cause of his lack of control of his temper must be a mental disability and I don't think he has a mental disability. That's true, I had no idea he was going to become what he did. He doesn't act that way with any of his friends, he did raise his voice with his mum quite often, he used to shout at her when she was in the kitchen whilst he was cooking something telling her to leave. Don't worry, I won't let it affect my outlook on men or relationships.
Mardelis Posted September 25, 2018 Posted September 25, 2018 he did raise his voice with his mum quite often, he used to shout at her when she was in the kitchen whilst he was cooking something telling her to leave. Don't worry, I won't let it affect my outlook on men or relationships. That's how he was raised- to treat women poorly. Starting with his mom and perpetuated though every relationship he's ever had or will have. I see this sort of behavior in my girlfriend's teenage son- he'll ignore her, or he'll respond as if she's bothering him or whatever- and she tends to let it go until I either point it out to her or I get right in his face and tell him to show some respect for his mother. I've even gone so far as to tell him exactly what I wrote here- he's developing patterns with his mother that will probably carry over to his eventual relationships. Any girl worth dating isn't going to put up with that sort of treatment for very long. Unfortunately this last boyfriend of yours is probably not the last guy you're going to meet that is this way. He typically puts their best foot forward and acts like the nicest guy in the world until he gets comfortable in the relationship and you've developed strong feelings for him. Then he looses the facade and becomes his real, abusive self. The interesting thing about the guy you are writing about here is that it happens within a few weeks. He has no self control whatsoever. 1
Author AmyHershaw Posted September 25, 2018 Author Posted September 25, 2018 That's how he was raised- to treat women poorly. Starting with his mom and perpetuated though every relationship he's ever had or will have. I see this sort of behavior in my girlfriend's teenage son- he'll ignore her, or he'll respond as if she's bothering him or whatever- and she tends to let it go until I either point it out to her or I get right in his face and tell him to show some respect for his mother. I've even gone so far as to tell him exactly what I wrote here- he's developing patterns with his mother that will probably carry over to his eventual relationships. Any girl worth dating isn't going to put up with that sort of treatment for very long. Unfortunately this last boyfriend of yours is probably not the last guy you're going to meet that is this way. He typically puts their best foot forward and acts like the nicest guy in the world until he gets comfortable in the relationship and you've developed strong feelings for him. Then he looses the facade and becomes his real, abusive self. The interesting thing about the guy you are writing about here is that it happens within a few weeks. He has no self control whatsoever. His parents never taught him what the right way to treat people is. You do right telling him that, it's better to start teaching him and trying to change his behaviour then before he becomes an adult. No, girls don't tolerate being treated disrespectfully, although it can be complicated in a situation like the one I was in where he treated me that way one minute then was caring the next as the person who it's happening to will sometimes think of how nice their partner can be to them while they're treating them poorly and that will result in them wanting to stay. It reached a point where I felt as if I were an immature child in his eyes, because I'm 19 whereas he was 21 and he was causing me to feel as if I couldn't do anything right and I didn't know anything. This isn't the first relationship I've had where a guy drastically changed towards me, my first boyfriend at 16 was like that, he was good to me for only two weeks before he changed. This most recent ex of mine was good to me for seven months and I spent two months after that trying to resolve the problem to save the relationship then I came to the conclusion that I was the one putting in all the effort. I do believe I made the decision breaking up with him and all my friends think so too.
MountainGirl111 Posted September 25, 2018 Posted September 25, 2018 This man is not only a jerk, he's abusive! I'm so sorry you are going through this. You have my love and support. 1
Author AmyHershaw Posted September 25, 2018 Author Posted September 25, 2018 This man is not only a jerk, he's abusive! I'm so sorry you are going through this. You have my love and support. Thank you hun, I appreciate the support.
MountainGirl111 Posted September 25, 2018 Posted September 25, 2018 Amy: Verbal abuse can escalate to physical abuse. Or, it tends to....you are so right to get out of this relationship before any more time passed. The longer you stay the harder it can be to leave. What a jerk. Bad communication kills many relationships. God forbid you stayed with him and got pregnant as ironically women are more likely to be abused when they are pregnant, or existing abuse tends to escalate when they are pregnant. I know, it shouldn't be that way at all......... All the put downs...all the times when he made you feel like you weren't good enough...Amy....you can leave that all behind and choose a much better path for yourself. There are many paths that come up as we go through life. We look at the path and we wonder if we should take it? What's up ahead? Will it turn treacherous or not? Will I get lost? Well I'm here to tell you that there is a lot of good folks out there and a lot of help. And, I believe in angels. 1
Author AmyHershaw Posted September 26, 2018 Author Posted September 26, 2018 Amy: Verbal abuse can escalate to physical abuse. Or, it tends to....you are so right to get out of this relationship before any more time passed. The longer you stay the harder it can be to leave. What a jerk. Bad communication kills many relationships. God forbid you stayed with him and got pregnant as ironically women are more likely to be abused when they are pregnant, or existing abuse tends to escalate when they are pregnant. I know, it shouldn't be that way at all......... All the put downs...all the times when he made you feel like you weren't good enough...Amy....you can leave that all behind and choose a much better path for yourself. There are many paths that come up as we go through life. We look at the path and we wonder if we should take it? What's up ahead? Will it turn treacherous or not? Will I get lost? Well I'm here to tell you that there is a lot of good folks out there and a lot of help. And, I believe in angels. That's true, that was a concern many friends of mine had. Again, I'm not saying that would have definitely happened, but the fact it was a possibility tells me I did the right thing by ending the relationship. That is also true, I didn't want to risk it worsening and then me being trapped, that would have hurt me a lot more than it did breaking up with him. I agree with previous comments that he should seek help from a professional, because the behaviour he displays in relationships is unhealthy. But again, I highly doubt he will. That is true, I did ask him shortly before I broke up with him how he expected any of the issues within the relationship to be resolved if he wouldn't co-operate with me and he could never give me an answer. That is true. I'm glad I can put it all behind me and move forward, although I haven't completely moved on from him yet, I will get there soon. Thank you again for your comments.
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