Date a twice married man?

[FMW]

We've all given you our thoughts and warnings. Go ahead and give him a shot if you want to, meet him, see how it goes. As long as you have your expectations in line. Find out how he feels about the failed marriages and relationships in general.

 

As my 72 year old mother who wants to make sure I don't die a lonely divorcee (not something I'm worried about at the moment) tells me frequently, every guy is going to have things about them we don't like, just as there are things about us they won't like.

[kendahke]

I wouldn’t have any issues with that, especially not nowadays. Pretty standard imo. Also, you don’t know any specifics. Lives are different, there’s no cookie cutter life. Why judge a person before meeting them? After one conversation? C’mon! Same could be said about females in their 40s, never married no kids (“red flag, she’s never been married, there must be something wrong with her blabla”.... I don’t believe in stereotypes).

 

This is the latest in a long line of not too wise dating moves made my OP.. just last week, she was talking about how she stood up some guy because he didn't reconfirm a confirmation for the date they had already confirmed.

 

I think the deeper, real issue is insecurity. She doesn’t actually want to meet them in person, because she feels inadequate. Hence, she tries to reject in advance, before anything happens. IF she meets somebody in person, there’s always something else that bothers her. It’s an attitude issue. Hers.

 

Right on target

[kendahke]

I seem to encounter, however, nothing but trainwrecks,

 

You might want to take a Sunday afternoon and binge on some Derrick Jaxn videos on YouTube. He might be able to shed some light on what you keep doing that constantly has you attracting trainwrecks to you.

[mortensorchid]

So he told me he was leaving on a business trip to Chicago and would be back on Wednesday. I said alright and didn't expect to hear from him until his return. He texted me this afternoon and I responded, this is how it went:

 

Him: Good evening

Me: Good evening. How is Chicago?

H: Just got here, I'm not downtown so it's pretty quiet.

M" I figured you were not out painting the town red it is a business trip after all

H: I try to behave on business trips. How's your day?

M: Crazy but coming down because teaching is dramatic

H: That doesn't surprise me. Do you believe in paranormal stuff? Weird question.

M: Not exactly but I do believe in karma

H: I also believe in karma. I am having some weird activity in my house, particularly in my bedroom.

M: ?

H: I'm not a crazy weirdo but it's a long story. I believe in spirits and things attacking people, I think my ex may have let something in. I don't know, sounds stupid doesn't it?

M: I am sorry to hear this

H: I need my house cleaned, my gf was seeing stuff at night. I never saw anything but last night got poked 2 times. I thought she was making stuff up and then it happened last night.

 

I stopped responding. This is ... Strange.

[FMW]

I'm pretty open minded and don't immediately discount paranormal activity..

 

BUT

 

I would not be texting about it with someone I haven't even met yet.

 

I'm not going to ding you for ending your responses. I'd likely let him slide right on by without further thought.

[Happy Lemming]

I don't believe in the paranormal stuff, either...

 

That being said... I did purchase a home that I was told the owner had passed away in. He was with his family, been very sick and wanted to die at home. No big deal, I thought...

 

Anyhow... I moved in, started unpacking boxes and putting stuff away. It got late, so I went upstairs to bed. A few hours later, I heard this crash come from downstairs. So I went downstairs (to the kitchen) all of the pots and pans I had put away in a lower cabinet were all over the floor. Not just one, but all of them... I put the pots and pans back in the cabinet and said out loud in a stern voice. "This is my house now, you're dead... now go away!! Because I'm not leaving"... And that was it... no more issues.

 

I guess the pots & pans could have been unstable in the cabinet, and fallen on their own, but it just seemed strange.

 

Just my story...

[central]

One can also conclude that any women who've been married twice before should be avoided, too. No one should ever consider the individual, the situation, or how well they get along with such a person - they're automatically damaged goods.

[mortensorchid]

One can also conclude that any women who've been married twice before should be avoided, too. No one should ever consider the individual, the situation, or how well they get along with such a person - they're automatically damaged goods.

 

Well people also have said to me that I am not ancatvh because I am 43 and never been marri d so something must be wro with me. So you can't win can you?

 

But still I am going to throw this one back. Not for the fact that he was married twice but he married his rebound. And he was talking about paranormal activity which his old gf brought upon him or something. This is just not right. And if something doesn't seem right, it usually isn't.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

One can also conclude that any women who've been married twice before should be avoided, too. No one should ever consider the individual, the situation, or how well they get along with such a person - they're automatically damaged goods.

 

So true. I have a female friend who is one of the top 5 most Godly women I know. Amazing mother, daughter, friend, and wife. Yet, she is divorced twice. I didn't know her for her first marriage, which was abusive I believe, but her second marriage that produced 3 children ended by no fault of her own and she gave it years and years and years (he abandoned the entire family and hasn't seen his kids in like 8 years). She finally divorced him after all of his promises to come back into the country never panned out and last year married a man who deserves her.

[preraph]

You always hear second and third marriages never work out, but at least in my crowd, that has not been the case. I think it matters how mature the people were in their first marriage. In my crowd, they all married too young, before they were mature and in some cases, they weren't financially sound.

 

But these same people did better on their second marriage and one on his third. His first was girl he met right out of high school or maybe during. His second was a psycho and he married her ignoring lots of red flags, and that didn't last long, but he's been married for over 20 years on this third one with children. One guy was with his high school love for quite a while and didn't really break up for good reason, I don't think, but a mess of misunderstandings and mistrust. But he remarried kind of a nutcase within a year and it's lasted.

[coolheadal]

What I am looking for is this (so that things are clear to all on the forum):

 

I can accept the fact that I will not have kids now. I am 43 about to be 44 and it's too late for me. I am okay with this.

 

I want a relationship - as in a LTR - that will eventually lead to marriage. I seem to encounter, however, nothing but trainwrecks, guys who will not commit to me but rather to a gal who is not right for them to say the least who ends up taking advantage of them or using them for their own gains (but that tells me they - as in the man in question - is not that great to begin with if he would throw me over in favor of that). I am wary about him because of this history but I believe that if one wants certain things, they must ask certain things in the beginning as in just factual information. One guy I went out with on an OLD years ago and he revealed he had 4 kids all under age 12 which he neglected to mention. I said NEXT.

 

Just a run of bad luck with men with you. Not your fault. Everyone I've encountered who I use to date off OLD had some sort of hidden agenda. If you have kids say you have them they like to hide it. If you been married prior say it just don't play games about it. I have one woman from old she won't let me go. So I told her we're just friends only. She has other idea's. I want happiness with the right woman I just don't see why so many lie and think it's okay.

 

Your in your 40's you can still have kids, I dated a woman who had kids in her 40's. When you reach 50's most of them can't have them. I've met women who never married and no kids they didn't want kids nor be married. So I know they're not the ones for me.

 

I don't know if you ever tried to date someone from your teaching job? I know it can be up and down battle. If you knew well enough it might pan out.

[coolheadal]

Well people also have said to me that I am not ancatvh because I am 43 and never been marri d so something must be wro with me. So you can't win can you?

 

But still I am going to throw this one back. Not for the fact that he was married twice but he married his rebound. And he was talking about paranormal activity which his old gf brought upon him or something. This is just not right. And if something doesn't seem right, it usually isn't.

 

Correct! I still feel it wouldn't work out with you and him. Your too smart for his games and behavior. the second marriage is in question. Bad choice to make but he did it..

[shydad]

Well people also have said to me that I am not ancatvh because I am 43 and never been marri d so something must be wro with me. So you can't win can you?

My sister gets that. "Why are you still single?" is the question. The implication being that there is something wrong with her. Interestingly, she's your age too. On the flip side, I have been asked why my marriage didn't work out, which I suppose is a more fair question to ask. Really, for some people, it sure seems like they are actively searching for mistakes to judge, instead of looking for positive character traits.

 

I stopped responding. This is ... Strange.

Very. I'd end it over that alone, and I'm pretty open about different types of people.

[Love2015]

This is very interesting. I have been married twice. Both lasted less than a year....

First one went into it naively...met, married within 3 months..divorced shortly after...he hit me. I took him to Counselling...who saw sign of something else going on...and wanted him to go to psychiatrist. ...I was told I cheated and abandoned...

All lies....he left the country remarried and had a kid even before our divorce was over.

 

Second one...we dated 7 years and lived 4 of those. We get married...and then he cheats less than 4 months into marriage...and I discovered all at 7 months of marriage. I wanted to work on it...or try...or something...get closure. He did not pick any of his stuff and started living with her. I tried talking...he didn't and character defamed me and used my first divorce as I am crazy and all men leave me. He put me through hell about our joint property for another 2 years. I filed divorce and did all on my own . I give him a lump sum of money and once it was done...he married that same girl.

 

Today I date and nothing works out and I feel damaged goods. Who says we are born perfect? My heritage is from Asia so first marriage I took it more naively as arranged yet I took long time second time and same outcome?

 

I do tell truth when asked but I hate having to say I have been married twice!

[BC1980]

I think you have to take individual circumstances into account, but 2 failed marriages would raise a red flag for me.

[mortensorchid]

I decided to throw this one back as well. I'm sure he's alright but he isn't the person that I should be with. I admit I stopped it in its tracks because of said stigma attached to it. However, if something doesn't seem right, it usually isn't. You may never know what that is or is not, but if you ignore it, it will always linger there. Or you may find out rather quickly what the issues / problems are / are not.

 

Next.

[fromheart]

I was on Bumble, connected with this guy there. We were having a chat, here and there about things. He said he was excited to have made the connection, I felt the same I told him via text. He said he was leaving on a business trip and would be back on Wednesday night, maybe after that we can get together? I said sure.

 

I said I wanted to ask a few questions of him, just basic factual information. His job, likes, dislikes, etc. And then I asked the one question I think we all need to ask others at some point which was/is if you have ever been married and/or have kids. He didn't offer that in the profile information. He said he had two kids (18 and 15), and he was married twice. The first time he was married for 15 years (together for 21), then rebounded after his divorce and barely a year later married his rebound, which lasted 2 years.

 

Huh ... I have seen people do things like that and it's bad. This makes me ... Very unhappy to hear. Pursue this further?

 

 

He's been in a couple of relationships? What about sex, is he still a virgin? If not, avoid him like the plague.

[Dis]

He said, "my gf" saw something the other night...

 

So....does he have a gf?