I broke up with him, and don’t know if I should try with him again. !!

[Agnetesunshine123]

I am currently a mess and I really need your help. I think it will be good to know the whole story so I hope you will take the time to read it!

 

3 months ago I met this guy at a festival. He was sweet, gentle and a little bit older than me. I wasnÂ’t really interested in him, but he kept pursuing me in a way nobody has ever did before. An eventually, I gave in, we kissed and I gave him my number. As the festival had come to an end, we started texting and met up a few days later. He was so nice and I could feel how much he liked me from the start. I was going on a 3 week trip just two days after our first date since the festival so he invited me to home to his house where I met his family. Maybe a little bit early, but he made me feel so special in the begging.

 

Durring my trip, he texted me everyday and we stayed in touch. We met up and spend I couple days together as soon as I got home. I was still perfectly nice but under need the surface, I had a bad feeling. I was starting to feel insecure. DonÂ’t know why, but I started to feel like no compliments or attention was enough. As we conteniued to date, I started noticing new things about him. I have never been a jealous person before in relationships but this was compleatly different. He was following almost only girls on Instagram and following 5-10 new girls everyday. I know it is the most ridiculous thing to worry about but I defiantly did because of the extreme number. Other things was that he would look after girls while walking on the street with me and intensively seeking their eye contact in a way I have never experienced before. He made me feel so worthlees and unwanted.

 

As I started to like him more and more while doubting, I started to pull away. In fear, I kept stopping our relationship from progressing. We lived about 1,5 hour away from each other, and because of school and jobs, we would only see each other 1-2 times a week. I would miss him and those dates would mean a lot to me. And then he started cancelling. Even though he knew how much it meant. And thatÂ’s when I needed it to stop.

I called him and told him about my decision and suggested that we should meet up to break up in a good manner. He got sad and told me that he wasn't emotionally stable enough to see me at that point, and we agreed on meeting the same night. When we met, he kept trying to make me stay and told me how much he cared about me. He told me he loved me, that he never introduced a girl to his family before and that he wanted to be with me. But I decided to stand my ground and told him not to contact me. It all ended in a good way and we havenÂ’t had any contact since.

 

I know I wasnÂ’t happy enough with him, but now I keep questioning if my own lack of self love played a role or if he generally wasnÂ’t he guy for me. Because what if he was? What should I do?? Please help!

[Estes]

He followed at least 5 new random girls on instagram and you think it's ridiculous that it would bother you?

 

 

It's not ridiculous to be bothered by such behavior in a partner in a committed relationship.

 

 

Good choice breaking up.

[preraph]

He's one of those guys who can't be polite in public and keep from leering at women. All men glance, but those who leer have problems. Fidelity problems and ethics problems. It's rude to do that when you're with a woman, very rude. Any woman would be mad if a man was a swivel-head out with her in public, and certainly any man would be furious if a woman did it to him. Always flip it around in your mind and ask "How would he react if I did that same thing to him?"

 

Him introducing you to his parents that early was more creepy than committed. That was just weird. Only time I've had that happen, the guy was still living at home and too old to be living at home. I don't know why he took me to his parents home. It was very weird.

[stillafool]

This guy is a chaser and after they're caught he starts losing interest. He isn't in love with you and of course you would feel insecure they way he was acting. He's online following girls because he wants to meet them. He is searching for eye contact from other women to feed his ego. Introducing you to his family doesn't mean anything because he probably does this a lot with other girls as well know matter what he says. My brother used to constantly bring girls he was dating to the family home and we would never see them again so you can't go by that. You did right to let him go and he's probably making some other girl fall for him right now.

[Agnetesunshine123]

Thank you so much for your inputs! It really helps!

 

It is just that I really don’t feel like he is that type of guy. I know he isn’t necessarily a lady’s man and he haven’t had much luck with girls before. I know one of his best friends, who was so happy on his behalf cause he met me. He haven’t slept with many girls and haven’t had a girlfriend before. He’s not super good looking, but a super nice person to be around - except for the starring at other girls. I know I can do much better look wise, but I just really don’t care with him. It’s hard to explain. I don’t know if it is just my mind playing games with me, but a part of me really believed it when he cried and told how much me wanted me. Sometimes I want to be with him and sometimes I can’t stand the thought.

[Gretchen12]

There are two independent things going on at the same time. It's not one or the other, and one did not cause the other.

 

He is awkward with women. He's one of those men who has little experience and think women are of a different species. These types of men treat you like a challenge, a prize, a project, not a human being. They will read books about how to "handle" women as if we are some exotic species of animal. This is why they stare, and they often stare without being conscious of doing it. Because you are objectified, you can be replaced, and you'll never be his best friend.

 

You have trouble with relationships because you lack sense of constancy. This was aggravated by the distance. When the courting period is over and you settle into a relationship, life happens, you cannot always be number one. When there are disappointments, someone who is comfortable will see it as what it is, and continue. While someone who lacks constancy will see the slight as proof that the person will abandon, and then overreact by breaking up.

 

I don't know how many times he cancelled on you, and whether or not he had good reasons. You may have reason to be alarmed. But just generally speaking, the healthy reaction is to believe things have not changed since your last interaction. If a person walks behind a tree, we assume the person is still there, you just can't see him. That's the same understanding you should have with feelings. His feelings are still there, even when you cannot see it expressed. If we don't have such assumptions, we cannot relate, just like we cannot function if we believe that person behind the tree has ceased to exist.

[preraph]

Even if he hasn't had many girlfriends, maybe dating you bolstered his self-esteem enough to embolden him to date another woman as well. I mean, if he's aggressively trying to make women on the street notice him, he's got something on his mind. Just because someone hasn't had much experience doesn't mean they won't cheat. You think they will be so happy now they are partnered up, but I've known at least one case where all it did was make the guy overly confident and he went right out and cheated. You just don't know.

 

I always believe you should trust your gut instinct. That instinct is built into you from thousands of years of necessity of survival. Humans are the only animals who will ignore it. But if you need to date him more to get to know him better, go for it.

[Agnetesunshine123]

3 months ago I met this guy and we started dating. He treated me really nice in a lot of ways but wasn’t perfect. And neither was I. After a short period of seeing him, I started feeling something lurking under the surface. I started feeling so insecure and unlike myself, and I felt like he did many things wrong. I started to pull away from him and still secretly hoping that he somehow could read my mind and make everything oh so good. And it wasn’t because he didn’t do anything. He introduced me to his family and friends and gave me compliments here and there. But no matter what, it just wasn’t good enough for me. I couldn’t handle any form of what feels like rejection, and when he for example cancelled a date, I just couldn’t take it.

 

And that’s when I knew I needed I to stop. I was turning into the worst person of myself and becoming so insecure. I know that a lot of it has to did with my own self esteem, self love and some things I just needed to figure out. But my mind also told me that he played a role in the game. He was that type of guy who followed a huge amount of girls on Instagram and openly admitted that he was kind of addicted to it. Even though Instagram is just Instagram, this annoyed me for the first time in my life. He would also look a lot at girls on the street. I don’t know if it just was me who was starting to notice, because I know that everybody looks, but the way he did it made me feel so disrespected. I couldn’t wrap my head around it, because he defiantly doesn't strike you as “one of those guys”. He is a bit nerdy, not extremely good looking and he hasn’t slept with a lot of girls. Plus he has never had a girlfriend before.

 

Back to the story, I ended up ending it. We met up and he was much more sad than I was in the moment. He begged me to stay and couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to be with him. He told me that I was the most amazing girl he had ever met and that he wanted to be with me. And he told me he loved me without getting anything in response. I told him to not contact me because I thought it would be best for both parts. He made me promise to text him, if I wanted to see him again. Then we went our separate ways and haven’t had any contact since (8 days since today).

 

I know I made the right decision by taking some time to myself and becoming me again. But the thought of contacting him again when I am ready is still lurking in my mind. I really liked him and even though I wasn’t happy with him the last time, something in my head tells me to try again. Just to see if it really was the relationship or just my lack of self love that effected me so badly.

What do you guys think? Would it be a good idea to text him at some point and maybe meet up to see where we are? Or has he maybe already moved on, and should I just let him be?

Edited September 23, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Metroknox]

It's only been 8 days. I guarantee you that you've been on his mind all day everyday, especially since you initiated the breakup. I'm sure that he is dying to text you but is just respecting your wishes.

 

Now, if you do intend to reach out to him, please know your intentions. It would be cruel to contact him if all you want to say is that you miss him and nothing more. Do not lead him on.

[planb1973]

A very similar thing just happened to me, I was on the losing end of it. If you do reach out to him make damn sure you do not take him for a ride again. If lack of self love is the issue give that a lot of thought so you know for sure if you want to see him again before contacting him.

[d0nnivain]

You have only known this guy for 90 days & couldn't make it work. When things fall apart so fast, there is nothing to put back together.

 

Your relationship fell apart for a number of reasons. The big factor that jumped out at me from your other thread was unrealistic expectations on your part. You work & go to school. You & him live 1.5 hours apart yet you complained that you only saw each other 1-2 times per week. With everything else on your plate, that seems like a lot to me. Especially in the beginning, & the 1st 3 months is still the beginning, personally I'd find more that than suffocating. You are still trying to figure out where & how you fit into each other's lives.

 

This was a huge issue:

. I started to pull away from him and still secretly hoping that he somehow could read my mind and make everything oh so good.

 

It's completely unfair for one person in the relationship to expect the other to read their mind. You have to communicate. That means stating your wishes or your concerns. Not getting all pissy because the other person is not able to read your mind.

 

As for getting back with him after "taking time for yourself & becoming [you] again" how is that going to change him? He will still have this so called IG addiction where he follows too many girls for your liking. You can be the most secure woman in the world but he will still virtually chase others. You can't change him. So don't try.

 

You tried dating him. It didn't work. Accept that. Weeding out the unacceptable matches is as much a part of dating as finding the guys with whom it does work. He is a poor fit. Don't keep trying to jam a square peg into a small round hole.