I cheated in the past, still married, now what?

[jude52]

Hi There,

 

I'm new here seeking some advice. I apologize in advance for the length.

 

DH and I have been married for 3 years. Our relationship was not the best from the beginning. When I was 3 months pregnant I discovered he had been talking to other women. He also had a porn addiction, which didn't bother me as much as the fact that he lied about it and tried to cover it up. He stopped talking to the other women, I quit asking about the porn, and we moved on with our lives.

 

Throughout our marriage two things have bothered me. For one, he is emotionally shut down. His only relationship prior to me was very abusive and I believe it has left him scarred for life. He will not open up to me, he is unable to show affection, and he isn't very effective at communicating. He describes romance as "dumb" and "not for him". The only dates we've ever been on together I planned. We typically go out once or twice a year, but it's not due to having a family, being overly busy, etc. He simply doesn't want to.

 

The second problem I have is he is a pathological liar. I can know the absolute truth about something, present him with concrete proof, and he will still look me in my eyes and lie to me. For example, he was chatting with webcam girls. His Google account was logged in on my laptop, so the search history showed up, along with the location of where he was when he searched for it, which was in our house. He tried to tell me it was his brother (who lives in a different town btw) and not him. He stands by that lie to this day. Normally it's over small things, but it has carried over to larger things as well. He is also terrible at keeping his lies straight, and when I confront him about a change in his story he will try to convince me I'm crazy.

 

He has told me talking to me is boring. He plays Xbox in the majority of his spare time, and he says he enjoys that more than he enjoys spending time with me. I work full time, and I attend college on top of being a mother of 2. Sometimes I feel so alone I just sit outside and cry at the end of the day.

 

At the beginning of the year I developed an anxiety disorder. I began having panic attacks, and it is to date the most difficult thing I've experienced. For the first time in my adult life, I stayed with my mom for 3 weeks because I knew if I needed DH he couldn't be there for me. I was also scared to be alone with my children because I didn't want them to be a witness to me having a panic attack. DH believes my mental illness is something I can just turn off, and he doesn't understand it at all. During this time, he only came to visit me and the kids once. He went to work and played Xbox for those 3 weeks, and a few times I brought the kids to him but he wouldn't get out of bed.

 

I have addressed every issue I have with him, but he refuses to believe there is a problem. I am beginning counseling this week for myself because I don't know what is real anymore. When I try to talk to him about things he always gets defensive, yells at me, calls me names. I remember one day I was laying in the floor crying as my depression and anxiety had hit me hard that day, and he comes storming in the room asking me "What the f*** is your problem?" and getting the kids to chant "Mommy is a crybaby".

 

Of course he isn't all bad or I wouldn't have married him. He has a good job, and he's a good dad. Our children are crazy about him, and he's crazy about them. That makes it really hard to just walk away.

 

So after all the background, here comes my problem. I had never in my life envisioned myself as the type of person who would have an affair. Prior to this year, I had never cheated in any relationship. I met a guy at work. His interest in me was terribly obvious, but I kept it professional for about a month. Eventually a friendship developed. I opened up about my happy marriage being not so happy. He asked me if I would like to go out with him sometime as friends. I said I would need some time to think, and after a week I accepted his offer.

 

Prior to going out with him I hadn't been out of my house in 7 months for anything that wasn't work or school related. I was extremely anxious, but as soon as I got into his car the anxiety melted. He treated me with such a tremendous amount of respect and kindness. He didn't push himself on me physically. We just laughed, swapped stories, went to dinner and a movie, and had a wonderful night.

 

The second time I saw him he took me out to his farm. We laughed and talked again for hours. Everything was so effortless. That night we did kiss, and he held me in his arms. I felt safe, valued, appreciated, intelligent. All the things I haven't ever felt in my marriage.

 

The third night I went to his house. We had been texting a lot, talking at work, and I really started to feel close to him. Being with him put me at peace, and it felt good to be with someone who was interested in me and the things I have to say. We slept together that night.

 

Something clicked in me the next day and I became overwhelmed with guilt. I told my husband I needed to talk to him. He was playing Xbox, so I had to wait 20 minutes for him to finish. I threw up, cried, paced the floor. Finally, I sat him down and told him everything. He was very hurt. I felt like a piece of garbage. He initially wanted a divorce, and I said I understood. As time has gone on, he says he wants to forgive me and move past this.

 

My trouble is I still have feelings for OM. I want to be with my husband to not break up our family unit, but I don't want to be with someone who belittles me, won't take interest in me, and invests more time in a video game than he does his wife. For 3 years I have felt like the maid and cook, and to meet someone who made me feel like a woman again was incredible.

 

I know what I did was wrong. I am still struggling with the guilt. I know the whole "emotional abandonment" excuse is a lame reason to have an affair. I'm not proud. I'm very confused, hurt, and ridden with guilt. At the same time, I feel like I'm missing an opportunity to be happy. I know I don't know what living with OM is like. He may very well be worse than DH ever could be, but the "what if" is killing me. I'm not swooned by his money, looks, sex, or anything materialistic he could offer me. I'm captivated by the way he listens to me when I speak, the way he follows up what I say with questions and genuine interest. I enjoy his company and conversation. He makes me laugh. He thinks I'm intelligent, and he treats me with respect. I don't know what he's really like. I haven't known him long and all I have to go by are his words, but in the event he's a man of his word I feel like I'll be losing someone really special if I settle for my DH.

 

Sometimes I wish I hadn't met OM at all. I'm not happy with DH, but there are happy moments, especially when it comes to the kids. We could definitely function, but now I know what it's like to meet someone and have them flip your whole world upside down. I don't know what to do. I know I'm being unfair to both men. I haven't physically met up with OM since my confession, but I do still talk to him everyday. I hate the situation I have put everyone in, and knowing I'm going to cause someone pain that I'm clearly not even worth.

 

I'm just seeking outside perspective on the situation. I can't describe everything on a forum on the Internet, but I believe I have hit the main details. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? If so, what did you do? I never saw myself as the type of monster to put her own selfish needs above the feelings of others, but it was clearly hidden somewhere within me.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS....

 

When was your last personal contact with your now former affair partner?

 

Do you still love your spouse?

 

Have you had any marriage counseling? You mentioned you're going to begin counseling for yourself this week. What is the goal of that counseling?

[d0nnivain]

My husband was fairly closed off emotionally when we met & I call him Mr. No-mance as a joke because he is not a romantic guy. Early on I said to him, I know you don't "get it" but this stuff is important to me, so if you love me, do it because I asked you to. He did & now he's figuring out some of it is fun

[FMW]

This isn't a popular idea here on this forum, but sometimes an affair is a symptom of a crappy marriage - not just the failings of the guilty partner.

 

I'm sure your husband has good attributes, but you've written enough here to make me have serious doubts the marriage can or should be saved. Maybe he would be a bad partner to anyone or maybe it's just the combination of the two of you that doesn't work. Either way, things as they are are broken.

 

And now you have the added issue of feelings for the other man. You definitely need to have no contact with him at all until you figure things out.

 

I hope counseling helps you figure out what you should do. But the marriage consists of two people - this can't be fixed by just one partner.

[Mr. Lucky]

This isn't a popular idea here on this forum, but sometimes an affair is a symptom of a crappy marriage - not just the failings of the guilty partner.

 

Then I guess it will seem like type-casting when I point out the OP has described her H in great detail as a lying, emotionally distant train wreck - and yet she's the one taking the deceptive and conflict-avoidant path of infidelity.

 

If not ironic, it at least points out the value of different perspectives. To me, there's a tremendous amount of self-justification in her post...

 

Mr. Lucky

[carhill]

3 meeting affair was over and 'time has gone on' with husband disclosed and desiring to forgive and move past the past. OP has expressed remorse.

I told my husband I needed to talk to him. He was playing Xbox, so I had to wait 20 minutes for him to finish. I threw up, cried, paced the floor. Finally, I sat him down and told him everything. He was very hurt. I felt like a piece of garbage. He initially wanted a divorce, and I said I understood. As time has gone on, he says he wants to forgive me and move past this.

 

OP, I've seen this many times, most recently this summer with a MW who broke down crying when I, sincerely, was trying to figure out why I felt angry when her H didn't kiss her when he got home from work. No kiss, no embrace, zippo. She told me she had made a deal for one kiss a day and, apparently, one time when he showed up at their seasonal vacation home to meet her, she was naked except for her boots and he was 'tired'. Glad I wasn't around for that spectacle.

 

It's easy to sleep with women like that as an OM. I don't do that, besides she's my best friend's daughter, so she had no temptation. However, another guy could and, heck, maybe did. Sound familiar?

 

Boundaries. They apply to your actions as well as communicating boundaries regarding your husband's actions. Task your therapist to help you with boundaries. Learn healthy ones and don't let the kettle fill with steam and explode, rather release the steam in healthy and productive ways.

 

You've got a short M, apparently, though perhaps you've been together much longer, and if things are going this sideways, if there's no sincere love, move on.

 

We get a lot of new members with painful stories, and many just post once and never return so the regulars here, I know myself as an old-timer, are sometimes reluctant to add much since people just disappear. Whether with forum members or your therapist or husband, you need to engage to move forward. Else this will continue on throughout your life. The short story I told above wasn't a three year M rather a 30 year M. Yup. Challenges are always around the corner.

[Mr. Lucky]

3 meeting affair was over and 'time has gone on' with husband disclosed and desiring to forgive and move past the past. OP has expressed remorse.

 

While I didn't know there was a sliding scale for affairs based on the number of times you sleep with the AP, your description is generally true.

 

But, as is often the pattern with WS's, the OP describes her spouse as a rotten apple while she's a good person who, challenged by life's circumstances, has done a few regrettable things. This world view is one of the factors enabling cheating in the first place. As is usually the case, the real answer lies somewhere closer to the middle...

 

Mr. Lucky

[carhill]

Humans of any type tend to describe themselves and others in a light which shines brightest on their own id and ego. That's not unique to men, women, marital partners or affair participants. This affair is over. Husband is aware. Wants to continue.

 

The husband can surely ask any questions he chooses since there's no deception currently going on; no affair, no cheating, rather transparency.

 

Then again, the OP never returned so there's that. We've been getting a lot of that lately, hit and run. No sense in assisting a vacuum. Have a good one.

[Lotsgoingon]

Get to therapy immediately.

 

You need it ... and will benefit from it ... Right now, you are not emotionally equipped to handle the situation you're in.

 

Your immediate confession strikes me as off ... as a form of self-loathing of some kind ...

 

Look, either you're going to have to insist on a better marriage ... or leave your husband ... or you're gonna find yourself tempted by more affairs.

 

My guess: you married this guy because he's steady with a good job .. .and yet he's emotionally starved you ... basically he has emotionally abandoned you. That's a polite way of saying he's acting like a jerk in the marriage.

 

And now you have kids and so you feel "stuck." Just remember: as much as kids love dad, they are gonna pick up some dysfunction from living with a mom who is miserable and starved for affection. Even though the kids probably can't articulate that reality now ... they feel it. They're adjusting to it ... and this will impair their romantic relationships in the future.

 

I have at least three close friends who basically tried to hold their noses and survive bad marriages without working on them ... without standing up for themselves. Each of these people had affairs. Each had multiple affairs. And each of these people are incredibly moral and honorable people.

 

Somehow you have created a situation where you acted out ... and now feel GUILTY ... even though from the picture you give ... you're the one who's been abandoned in the marriage.

 

Get to a really good therapist to help you figure things out ... figuring things out could be how to be more satisfied and vocal in your marriage or how to face the fact that you aren't going to get satisfied in your marriage. Either way, you want to get really clear.

 

Likely there are issues with your esteem and in your family of origin that blocked you from developing real assertiveness. You can work on that.

 

Good luck.

[BaileyB]

Indeed. If you haven’t already done so, I would suggest that you get yourself to therapy so that you can discover a few very important things - like how to manage your anxiety disorder and why you have stayed in a loveless marriage for a really long time when it appears to be killing you - from the inside out.

 

I would agree, the anxiety disorder and the affair likely stem (at least in part) from a very unhappy life and a very unhealthy relationship. I hope you find your way again...