oneinamillion93 Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 Hi guys, I don't know if I am overthinking and screwed my chance to get with him, or what I did was right or understandable. Long story short, I met another guy at work, I never thought he would interested but he was the one who approached me first, tried step by step to talk to me, we became more and more closer I guess, in a sense. We now messaging each other like everyday. But I felt a bit weird because when I played it hard to get he sounds a bit more keen than when I showed him I'm interested as well as. So in the end, he asked me out, but to "hang out" not on a date. I get it, I wanted it this way too, but the point is he wants me to go to his place. We never been alone outside of work, so this kinda bug me, I proposed to go to another place in town cause his house kinda far away from mine. He said that if today isn't good then leave it to another day. Is this guy only into hookup? and somehow I sent mixed signals that made him think I'm into it as well? I'm a bit confused, why invest too much time on someone just to hookup? or this is normal behaviour of men? What do I do next? Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 Welcome aboard to LS. Here's some advice from a lad's point of view. You've done what many people have done before - venture into a guy's world to hookup with him because you like his first impression. However, I would try to spend some time figuring out what he wants by asking friends about him, and asking him directly. Many guys are looking for cheap sex. That is true. But our entire gender is not to blame here. If you are looking for a gentleman who will treat you properly they do exist. It is up to you to put in the extra work to find these people. Emotional hurt from relationships derives from a mismatch of what you want and what the guy wants, at a most fundamental level. I would sort out precisely what you want and seek it out. That way you can be a strong woman who seeks out what she wants from a place of strength. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 If you are just starting to see this lad then propose that you meet somewhere that you are more comfortable. If he says no then move on, easy as that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author oneinamillion93 Posted September 23, 2018 Author Share Posted September 23, 2018 If you are just starting to see this lad then propose that you meet somewhere that you are more comfortable. If he says no then move on, easy as that. This exactly what I did, I proposed I wanted to meet somewhere else and he didn't follow. A bit awkward because we see each other everyday and sitting right next each other. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 So in the end, he asked me out, but to "hang out" not on a date. I get it, I wanted it this way too, but the point is he wants me to go to his place. Hang out for some is code for casual sex. You agreed that was what you wanted then when he suggested his place you confused him by suggesting you go somewhere else. He then reiterated the offer of going to his place. If you want men to take you seriously then you need to make it clear you want a proper date and to be treated well, otherwise they will just see you as hook up material. Fine to "hang out" with your mates but for guys you do not know you need to let them see you are not some cheap person he can take home for sex and forget about the next day... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author oneinamillion93 Posted September 23, 2018 Author Share Posted September 23, 2018 Hang out for some is code for casual sex. god forbid i never know it means casual sex. how the hell on earth i could think of it? I thought hang out just means hang out. Omg know I feel really bad 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 god forbid i never know it means casual sex. how the hell on earth i could think of it? I thought hang out just means hang out. Omg know I feel really bad Think about the last time you went to a guy you barely knows house and just "hung out"...Watched the ball game or a boxing match....played cards...then went home.. Never, huh? TFY 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 Hang out at his place is definitely him looking for NSA sex. If he's not even willing to meet you in a neutral public location, just give him a pass. At work be polite & professional like none of this ever transpired but stop with the daily texting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 This exactly what I did, I proposed I wanted to meet somewhere else and he didn't follow. A bit awkward because we see each other everyday and sitting right next each other. Well, that tells you what he wanted. Awkward for him, because now you know he propositioned you for sex and get shot down. Not a smart thing to do to a coworker - perhaps, he will learn that lesson. You did nothing wrong and you have no reason to feel awkward. Good for you for knowing what you want and setting some boundaries with this guy... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 OP, could you describe your last successful relationship with a man whom placed love before sex? I'm curious about your attraction style. Do you generally exclusively choose among men who approach you? On this guy, what's the general period of time between when you first sensed an approach beyond coworker interaction and when he went for the 'my house' NSA deal? Months? Weeks? Days? What? Short answer on 'so much time' is men who like sex with women have multiple hooks in the water. They can be wooing married ladies, ltr ladies, single ladies all at the same time; once in awhile a fish bites and their noodle gets wet. What may seem like a long time to you may be just after a noodle party the night before to them. Thank goodness we can't read minds. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oneinamillion93 Posted September 23, 2018 Author Share Posted September 23, 2018 (edited) Hang out at his place is definitely him looking for NSA sex. If he's not even willing to meet you in a neutral public location, just give him a pass. At work be polite & professional like none of this ever transpired but stop with the daily texting. Yeah I only know that after he didn't respond to me meeting at somewhere in town instead. I'll try to act like nothing happened tho. I had social media all over, I regret it, now I dont know how to remove it without awkwardness. Well, that tells you what he wanted. Awkward for him, because now you know he propositioned you for sex and get shot down. Not a smart thing to do to a coworker - perhaps, he will learn that lesson. You did nothing wrong and you have no reason to feel awkward. Good for you for knowing what you want and setting some boundaries with this guy... Well I dont know if he sees it as I shot him down, it's good that I didn't go to his tho. At least it's one last thing I saved for my pride. OP, could you describe your last successful relationship with a man whom placed love before sex? I'm curious about your attraction style. Do you generally exclusively choose among men who approach you? On this guy, what's the general period of time between when you first sensed an approach beyond coworker interaction and when he went for the 'my house' NSA deal? Months? Weeks? Days? What? Short answer on 'so much time' is men who like sex with women have multiple hooks in the water. They can be wooing married ladies, ltr ladies, single ladies all at the same time; once in awhile a fish bites and their noodle gets wet. What may seem like a long time to you may be just after a noodle party the night before to them. Thank goodness we can't read minds. It's been months already, that's why i dont understand to be honest, this is why i didn't go to his place. but it seems like its normal for others, when all my female friends told me to go and yet i followed my gut. i dont know if i do it wrong or right. I have nothing against sex but at least the second or the third time we meet. I can't just jump into bed with some guy this way, its just not me Edited September 23, 2018 by oneinamillion93 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 He may have heard if you had an affair with someone else, but either way, he's just looking for sex, not a relationship. Just tell him no. All you need is for that to get around your place of employment. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 Hi guys, I don't know if I am overthinking and screwed my chance to get with him, or what I did was right or understandable. Long story short, I met another guy at work, I never thought he would interested but he was the one who approached me first, tried step by step to talk to me, we became more and more closer I guess, in a sense. We now messaging each other like everyday. But I felt a bit weird because when I played it hard to get he sounds a bit more keen than when I showed him I'm interested as well as. So in the end, he asked me out, but to "hang out" not on a date. I get it, I wanted it this way too, but the point is he wants me to go to his place. We never been alone outside of work, so this kinda bug me, I proposed to go to another place in town cause his house kinda far away from mine. He said that if today isn't good then leave it to another day. Is this guy only into hookup? and somehow I sent mixed signals that made him think I'm into it as well? I'm a bit confused, why invest too much time on someone just to hookup? or this is normal behaviour of men? What do I do next? I'm a bit confused as well. At one point in your post you say you "wanted it this way too" but your next statement says different. Yes men will put and sometimes have to put in effort to get sex or a hook up. What you do next is decide what it is you really want and do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oneinamillion93 Posted September 23, 2018 Author Share Posted September 23, 2018 I'm a bit confused as well. At one point in your post you say you "wanted it this way too" but your next statement says different. Yes men will put and sometimes have to put in effort to get sex or a hook up. I meant to hanging out between colleagues not hanging out as casual sex, i dont wanna jump into dating someone just yet so hangout with each other like coffee or movie, talk and having good time together outside of work etc Link to post Share on other sites
LoverOfDance Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 He is only looking for casual sex. You would be surprised how many men today just want to f***. It's just the way it is these days. Some men are indirect about it (like your guy), some are straight forward about what they want and some will pretend to want a relationship while wanting casual sex all along. I did online dating so i dealt with literally thousands of men who used different approaches to try to get sex. There's a stand up guy somewhere looking for you. Unfortunately there aren't a lot of stand up guys around. Most of them don't know what the f*** they are doing and have no idea how to date a woman. Hang in there though. You will meet him eventually. Continue to listen to your gut and don't give up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 I meant to hanging out between colleagues not hanging out as casual sex, i dont wanna jump into dating someone just yet so hangout with each other like coffee or movie, talk and having good time together outside of work etc It's a slippery slope to go to his place and a little disrespectful to ask that for a first time getting together anyway--whether or not he means sex specifically. So just hold out for meeting up in the city. Two can play that game. Sorry. Just because guys are more pushy about stuff doesn't mean you have to roll over and only do things his way to get him to like you. He might really like you but he is testing you. If he has heard of your other work thing, he is assuming something about you. For your own reasons, don't make assumptions about what he wants just stick to what you want. I would be turned off by a guy who offered up something slightly disrespectful anyway so don't feel bad. Just play his game. And then you can fade away at work if he is persistent about the chilling at his place offer--in fact, i would totally give him sh*t about it like he is immature or not got his dating sh*t together with that offer. You know, tease him. You needn't walk away from this interaction feeling bad! Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author oneinamillion93 Posted September 23, 2018 Author Share Posted September 23, 2018 It's a slippery slope to go to his place and a little disrespectful to ask that for a first time getting together anyway--whether or not he means sex specifically. So just hold out for meeting up in the city. Two can play that game. Sorry. Just because guys are more pushy about stuff doesn't mean you have to roll over and only do things his way to get him to like you. He might really like you but he is testing you. If he has heard of your other work thing, he is assuming something about you. For your own reasons, don't make assumptions about what he wants just stick to what you want. I would be turned off by a guy who offered up something slightly disrespectful anyway so don't feel bad. Just play his game. And then you can fade away at work if he is persistent about the chilling at his place offer--in fact, i would totally give him sh*t about it like he is immature or not got his dating sh*t together with that offer. You know, tease him. You needn't walk away from this interaction feeling bad! Good luck I'm regret talking to him actually, I never thought that someone wants just casual sex can be that consistency. Now I know he only wants sex and he knows I have feeling for him. This is worst, this is why I rarely let anyone know my feeling because every time I do, I feel like I want to kill myself Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 This exactly what I did, I proposed I wanted to meet somewhere else and he didn't follow. A bit awkward because we see each other everyday and sitting right next each other. And this is why you should never date coworkers. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 Some advice, date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. If it doesn't feel right, that's because it's not. Don't over look the red flags because you have "feelings" for them. That will get you nothing but disappointment. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
coolheadal Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 Hi guys, I don't know if I am overthinking and screwed my chance to get with him, or what I did was right or understandable. Long story short, I met another guy at work, I never thought he would interested but he was the one who approached me first, tried step by step to talk to me, we became more and more closer I guess, in a sense. We now messaging each other like everyday. But I felt a bit weird because when I played it hard to get he sounds a bit more keen than when I showed him I'm interested as well as. So in the end, he asked me out, but to "hang out" not on a date. I get it, I wanted it this way too, but the point is he wants me to go to his place. We never been alone outside of work, so this kinda bug me, I proposed to go to another place in town cause his house kinda far away from mine. He said that if today isn't good then leave it to another day. Is this guy only into hookup? and somehow I sent mixed signals that made him think I'm into it as well? I'm a bit confused, why invest too much time on someone just to hookup? or this is normal behaviour of men? What do I do next? Okay, you can't take you back to his place yet because you both just work together, so hangout first but don't go to this house or back to his place on the first hangout. Don't drop the panties yet. What I mean by that you take your time. Let me share what I did with the woman I had worked with in 2017 who I had asked out for breakfast. I had taken her to Denny's. We had a blast. After that as I had walked her over to her car I have this thing about cloudy car lens. I always offer my dates a quick clean of them. That's me silly but it does work. Anyway you need to go out with him but not back to his place yet after a few more encounters. Dates start you get to know him better. Once that happen then you can go back to his place. This happen to me also she came over to my place. Of course what she did I wasn't expecting from her. Now it's 2018 she and I don't work at the same place we had met and work anymore. But we do live together today! So it can work if you two are right for each other. Link to post Share on other sites
coolheadal Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 I'm regret talking to him actually, I never thought that someone wants just casual sex can be that consistency. Now I know he only wants sex and he knows I have feeling for him. This is worst, this is why I rarely let anyone know my feeling because every time I do, I feel like I want to kill myself He told you he wanted casual sex then don't do it. You tell him later down the road right now we're just getting to know each other. This is the point I said happen to me and the way I handle it. She said while in my house first time here she made the move like he wants to do with you. In her words can I change into something more comfortable. I said sure you can. Silly me. I should have known better. But in all I handled it better than I had through. After that I had taken her to lunch at my favorite SUJU place. She and I had a blast too there.. Link to post Share on other sites
Dodgersfan11 Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 Yeah, if a guy ever wants you to go to "his place" that means sex is going to be in the cards. Unless you want that. If you don't, tell him. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted September 24, 2018 Share Posted September 24, 2018 I'm regret talking to him actually, I never thought that someone wants just casual sex can be that consistency. Now I know he only wants sex and he knows I have feeling for him. This is worst, this is why I rarely let anyone know my feeling because every time I do, I feel like I want to kill myself Well I think you are making too much a big deal of that. Sure some guys are going to try. And you don't really know. What I think is stupid or where some people get hysterical and shut off is that you get soooooo caught up in "he only wants sex". That attitude or worry will hurt you in dating. You can "qualify" ANY guy, including this one, up until the point that you want to have it. That way guys who "only" want that will drop out--ie the opposite of being consistent. So like most things, this is really in a grey zone of where he probably leans more toward being a dog. Rather than let it defeat you or be embarrassed. You can keep qualifying him by stating what you would be into doing, i.e. let's go for a coffee and if he persists in asking you to go to his place, you just laugh and tell him you can't take him seriously and back off. What's embarrassing about that? I have to admit it's becoming a bit of a pet peeve when girls are saying all guys want is sex and put guys into one category or another. In reality it's probably a ton of different things guys want on the spectrum. The attitude alone presumes the guy has all the power and holds all the cards and makes it seem like some live in some fantasy land. It's equally up to you to set a pace that you are comfortable with. Correct someone on 'who you are' by your actions. I tend to think "talks" about "what you are each looking for" are kind of ridiculous. Like you mean that one or two sentences when you are on a first date or just talking where either person tells you whatever they think you want to hear (pretty much always: looking for a relationship with the right person), said by a complete stranger who you don't even know or where the actions they do neither back up what they say or are even in direct opposition with what they have said? Eventually you want sex too. So the weeding out process is not just before you have gone on date one, it continues and continues--surprise, even after you've had sex. You have to be your own best advocate. I personally don't think that's all this guy is after. Do I think he's crude and possibly heard rumors about you which he wants to capitalize on because of his own attraction to you? Yeah probably. Pushing the boundaries, yes. Not being smart considering you work together, sure. Idk, maybe he is just lazy and somewhat broke. Another reason you might not want to date him that is less simple-minded. you need to change your mindset from when you are saying "every time". See how limiting and poor foreshadowing a statement like that is? Open yourself to the possibilities that something good can happen and you will manage your life more like it will. That said, it takes work and you can't just expect some magic person. You need to teach people how to treat you, practice that and make sure the messages you send out accurately represent who you are and how you expect to be treated. Even if this is failing for you and will not have a positive outcome, it is a chance to practice that skill right now--in turning him down, in negotiating for the type of date you would want, in seeing something through communication-wise that doesn't meet your expectations for yourself. I hope I'm making sense. Anyway, i hope you are "ok" and that you just use "want to kill myself" as a euphemism like a lot of us do. If you mean it more seriously, please seek help first and foremost. I think you are just saying it though so in that case i say this is not that big a deal and you will get through it. Rise above. There is a lot of power in rejecting someone because they don't meet your expectations--not that you should do it to hurt him or from an emotional place but if in your gut you feel he is mistreating you or not for you then that's all this is. Dating is putting yourself out there and you will continue to face people who don't meet your expectations and standards--even nice guys who you end up in a relationship will disappoint you at points. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Logo Posted September 24, 2018 Share Posted September 24, 2018 Thank goodness we can't read minds. I wouldn't mind having to endure some disturbing details if reading minds gave me the ability to decipher things. Life's complicated enough with mixed signals, polite non-committal responses and passive aggressive behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oneinamillion93 Posted September 27, 2018 Author Share Posted September 27, 2018 Hi guys Thank you for being so patience with me and for all of your comments When things still new I think it would turn awkward but in the end we both being professional, maybe because I didn’t act clingy or turned out not to be a psycho so he got the vibes. We both come back to the point where nothing happened at all. I still waved at him saying goodbye and he still commenting on my social media. Just like adults suppose to be, not a big thing to make a big deal out of it. So I felt so much easier now. Turn out that everything becomes good or bad is depending on how we look at it. Purely perspective. I don’t think anything is gonna happen between us at all anymore but this is great for me 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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