Limbo - one step away from forever or never. Help

[AlmostMadeIt]

By necessity this first post should be really really long. However, I will keep it brief as I can and as details as t expands and hopefully helps me out of this hole I dug for myself.

 

Some Background:

o. Lost virginity with first love and was caught in the act by my mother but a week later I caught my first love in be with another man.

o. My first adult real love lead to engagement and ended in me catching her in bed with another man.

o. My third love taught me the value of friendship and that I was not recovered from love 1 & 2 and didn't last long.

 

I then had 13 years without a relationship but always searching for a life partner. Near the end I had given up hope and was comfortable with being without a life partner but then I found one. Of course I did not know in the beginning but I began to realise this could be her.

 

I made a terrible mess of it. I was afraid and guarded but she was patient and coaxed me back to life. We planned and moved in together and it was heaven for a while.

 

Than thing started to fall apart. I noticed that my S.0. was able to talk to my friends and others in a way that she was not able to talk to me. I reached out and tried to hard maybe but it was like quicksand, the more I struggled the more I sank. I became frightened because I seen this before. I had been an observer for 13 years and I saw the signs, it was failing. I started to wrap myself in the security blanket of drinking and hiding. Then she was gone.

 

We have not completely split and I have a councelor and I am doing everything I can to make sure I do noy loose this last chance at happiness. The problems are difficult but not insumountable.

 

At this moment I have agreed to let her have some time to herself so she can work through what has happened. One of the major issues we face is that I am English and I drink. My S.O. has attributed to many problems to this facett of me and I cannot blame her considering how much I was drinking near the end. So I agreed to stay sober for 6 months. This is something that is a symptom of the problems though and not a problem in and of itself. Americans thought are hung up on drinking so much that I have agreed to this and thats fine - if she needs this test to be past then I will do it. (10 weeks already).

 

The question I would like to ask is how do I deal with the fact that she has all the power now. Some of my friends say I am being emasculated and that I should not do what I am doing. That she is holding all the cards and I am letting her deal them as she wants. I don't care about this but I am afraid that what she wants of me will turn me into the boring, at the party edge, never joins in, lets life pass him by guy.

 

This is not the whole story but enough for now. How do I handle the fact that I am feeling like I capitulate all the time to her demands because I know this is the only way and yet by doing so I am changing into a man that she will probably not find attractive anymore. I trust here more and more not to abuse the relationship power that she has and she is doing so less and less.

 

I wonder if this makes much sense so I will stop and wait for commemts

[DesertDweller]

Welcome to the world of commitment. Sorry, but you can't hang out and drink with your friends and have a serious relationship with a woman who doesn't approve of that behavior. By the way, as for being emasculated, there's a good chance that as a long-term drinker, you may develop man boobs. How macho!

[heartnsoul]

Congratulations on 10 weeks of sobriety! I'm sure you realize that running from lifes ups and downs via alcohol is not the answer. Also realize that she fell in love with YOU and although YOU were under the influence doesn't mean that the core of your being wasn't what she fell in love with.

 

I'm just coming out of a relationship with an alcoholic but in my case, he wasn't willing to change and consequently left.

 

Give her all the space she needs and once she sees that you're truly making sacrifices to salvage your relationship she then may have that change of heart. How long were you together?

[tolongaway]

We have been together for 2 years. The last six months were the time where things started to really feel like they were slipping away. I did start to drink more and the idea that this is a good solution is of course stupid. I know that now but at the time for me it was just a cushion for the inevitable.

 

I hear the point that I could not hang out with my friends and have a serious relationship with a woman who did not approve of that behavior. That is why I did not. We were together for a long time and my behavior was never a question and she often joined in at BBQ, dinner parties I organized at my house or just general parties. My social dinking was never a problem and it was in part the reason how and why we met. I think as a 37 year old who has been socially drinking since I was 16 the man boob thing is something you will have to fantasies about on your own.

 

I guess that it does not matter whom much I deny that I am an alcoholic because it seems that if you drink in the US you are an alcoholic. The one thing I will admit to, as being a bad and stupid thing is to use booze as a self-medication against difficulties and stress.

 

The point I made to my S.O. was that when we moved in together I went from a single guy who hangs out with his friends drinking most nights to a committed guy who stayed in every weeknight with his girl. We went out at weekends together to parties etc and I also organized parties at our place.

 

AS mentioned in the last post things started to go bad. As I said I tried real hard to figure stuff out but I was stupid because I could not communicate and so I thought getting drunk would be a good idea.

 

This is when being judged is nothing I mind but would love for someone to just help me with the end of my request from the last post.

 

(PS. If you think I am a fat barfly then ask and I will show you the poster I sent to her, Just show she would not forget. Apparently she had it next to her bed and her mom was round to her house before her)

 

 

 

[tolongaway]

Welcome to the world of commitment. Sorry, but you can't hang out and drink with your friends and have a serious relationship with a woman who doesn't approve of that behavior. By the way, as for being emasculated, there's a good chance that as a long-term drinker, you may develop man boobs. How macho!

 

I hope never to have man boobs whatever that is