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I'm being called crazy by dating partners... So what am I doing wrong?

sunflowerandclouds94

By sunflowerandclouds94
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Mardelis Established Member

Mardelis

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My grandma tells me I'm not woman enough to keep and get a man.

 

 

Your grandmother is not a nice person. Perhaps she's getting a bit senile. Old people can get cranky and say hurtful things without realizing it.

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sunflowerandclouds94 Established Member

sunflowerandclouds94

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I think maybe you are not seeing what these guys are like. I am sure I would have had the same problem when younger, I was just naive and looking for affection and romance.

 

May I suggest you look for good qualities not necessarily good looks.

 

Bear in mind that people might say they are a certain way, but actually not behave like that. For example, a guy I knew said he was soft-hearted and kind but was rude to a waitress who was clearly rushed off her feet. Pay attention to actions not words.

 

If you are looking for a responsible, kind, caring, polite guy, then look for actions that show that these traits are natural to him.

 

I think you will soon be filtering guys a lot better once you stop being distracted by looks or bravado.

 

Yes, that is what I'm going to do. I need to stop looking at words and more at actions. So what do I do if I am with these guys that treat me well but I don't want to have sex with them because I don't feel attracted to them? Do I have to continue to find guys that I will find attractive but have those qualities? I doubt a guy will stick around if I'm not having sex with them 1-2 years down the line?

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sunflowerandclouds94 Established Member

sunflowerandclouds94

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<snip>

However if you also (or only) want non-sex fun and/or to find a long-term companion, you would be wise to screen 'candidates' to try to determine if that's why they're dating, too. Communication! Before dating, negotiate. Try to get an idea of why they're dating. Explicitly ask what they like to do on dates.

 

<snip>.

 

Yes, I am looking for non/sex fun and long term companionship. So from your advice I really need to talk this out and have communication with these guys. I will definitely do that and not be so shy to ask them questions. I like these kind of activities. I want to cook meals with someone I like and go to concerts, sight - seeing, wine tasting and etc. I just can't get past the dates / I date guys that are rude to me.

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sunflowerandclouds94 Established Member

sunflowerandclouds94

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Your grandmother is not a nice person. Perhaps she's getting a bit senile. Old people can get cranky and say hurtful things without realizing it.

 

No my grandma is not nice.

She constantly belittles me but thinks shes doing me a service by telling me my problems and flaws. I'm trying to ignore her and know her opinions don't make or shape me.

Garcon1986 Established Member

Garcon1986

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I would add two things:

 

Try to filter out the hurtful stuff from the advice that might be useful from your grandma. You might learn something that you can use to be a more interesting dating prospect or meet a more interesting dating prospect. She may be hurtful but it's possible that not everything she's saying is incorrect.

 

When you start getting into date 2 or beyond, remember that guys don't get the indirect communication that women use all the time. You may have to be very direct, more so than you are comfortable with.

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sunflowerandclouds94 Established Member

sunflowerandclouds94

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I would add two things:

 

Try to filter out the hurtful stuff from the advice that might be useful from your grandma. You might learn something that you can use to be a more interesting dating prospect or meet a more interesting dating prospect. She may be hurtful but it's possible that not everything she's saying is incorrect.

 

When you start getting into date 2 or beyond, remember that guys don't get the indirect communication that women use all the time. You may have to be very direct, more so than you are comfortable with.

 

I see. I think there are times where I feel like if I'm being too direct then it will turn them off and they wouldn't want to see me anymore.

Garcon1986 Established Member

Garcon1986

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how do you know the lads were turned off by your directness?

losangelena Established Member

losangelena

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I see. I think there are times where I feel like if I'm being too direct then it will turn them off and they wouldn't want to see me anymore.

 

Aye, this is exactly the kind of filtering you need to do. Any guy who doesn't want to see you because you speak up for yourself is not a guy you want to be seeing.

 

A lot of men are lazy and don't want to put in effort. Nix those guys, they're not relationship material. Don't ignore things that bother you. And stop giving so many chances to men who are clearly idiots.

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sunflowerandclouds94 Established Member

sunflowerandclouds94

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how do you know the lads were turned off by your directness?

 

Well for instance when I stood up to the guy I wrote about on this thread. I told him I didn't like some of the things he did. He ended calling me crazy.

When I usually tell guys I'm not interested in hooking up - they never reach back out or they come up with excuses.

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sunflowerandclouds94 Established Member

sunflowerandclouds94

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Aye, this is exactly the kind of filtering you need to do. Any guy who doesn't want to see you because you speak up for yourself is not a guy you want to be seeing.

 

A lot of men are lazy and don't want to put in effort. Nix those guys, they're not relationship material. Don't ignore things that bother you. And stop giving so many chances to men who are clearly idiots.

 

I have to say it's hard when I live in a party city as well. To filter out guys is almost like a full time job here.

Garcon1986 Established Member

Garcon1986

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If you're not looking for the party guys then you are doing the right thing filtering for the lads you want. If he is so easily perturbed that he's upset if he doesn't get easy sex, or hears a comment from you, then keep moving.

 

Electronic high five to you for your efforts.

Noproblem Established Member

Noproblem

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Who cares what your grandma thinks.

 

In my opinion, you are compromising a lot by being with losers just because you want to find someone.

 

Just take some time off and celebrate being single for a while, the right man will come when he comes. No need to rush things, you are only 24 and you already met a bunch of losers, what do you think will happen on your next date?

 

Nothing, another loser!

 

Even if he is not a loser, you will see him as a loser, because you already have seen like 7-8 losers, so you'll assume they all are and you won't work hard to make it work.

 

So, take like 6 months off and enjoy your time!

 

And that guy is definitely a stupid guy, why would you go out with him on the second date anyway, he was busy on his phone from the start!

Andy_K Established Member

Andy_K

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I think I have noticed your problem, and it is a common one. You keep going on dates with all these different good looking guys who are either losers or treat you like crap, which you admit you ignore, but you aren't attracted to anyone else. Now, I have very little to go on here, but I would have to guess that you have unrealistic expectations for yourself. You say you aren't all that pretty yourself, but you keep chasing after these good looking guys. That is most likely your problem. Those guys will date you, just like the handsome salesman did, but they aren't going to be interested in anything long term. They will relegate you to side chick status.

 

Lots of truth here.

 

You will find most guys have lower standards of attractiveness for what type of girl they'll sleep with vs what type they'll want to date seriously. When online, they discover that the further they drop their standards, the easier it is to get a girl interested, meet up, and have sex, as he's more likely to be better looking than her other options.

 

Consequently you'll find that a majority of your matches/inbox, especially a majority of the most attractive ones, never considered you for serious dating in the first place. In many cases they might still genuinely be looking for a relationship, but just not with you.

 

As for how to resolved this, I'd suggest not spending too long messaging before meeting. Misleading with words is far easier than misleading with actions. Once you meet up, as Spiderowl said, pay attention to actions not words. Look for how these guys treat other people, not just you.

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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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I think I have noticed your problem, and it is a common one. You keep going on dates with all these different good looking guys who are either losers or treat you like crap, which you admit you ignore, but you aren't attracted to anyone else. Now, I have very little to go on here, but I would have to guess that you have unrealistic expectations for yourself. You say you aren't all that pretty yourself, but you keep chasing after these good looking guys. That is most likely your problem. Those guys will date you, just like the handsome salesman did, but they aren't going to be interested in anything long term. They will relegate you to side chick status.

 

This is the impression I'm getting from you OP. You say nice guys are great but your interest fades fast. Like the majority of young women out there it seems you all want the good looking bad boy. Those guys treat you like crap because they have so many options that they don't value women and when they do finally settle down they want the best they can get. Maybe still date nice guys until you find one who is more compatible with you and what you want for your future.

Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

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I think you're giving too many marginal (and obviously mismatched) guys an opportunity, and so your success rate is low. Keep screening as much as possible before meeting, and keep the first date on the short side but do something where you can have a conversation and learn about them. If there are ANY warning signs or red flags, don't see them again.

 

You'll go on fewer first and second dates, but hopefully the dates you do go on will be better. The guy you're looking for is 1 in 500, just like the kind of woman I sought was 1 in 500. Many people have some of the traits you want, but few have most - or all. Only date those who seem to have most, and you'll have better results.

 

IMO, no sex on a first date. Maybe second or third, if you feel a good vibe. You'll still get some disappointments and encounter some players, but fewer. If they aren't showing real interest in you - like this last date of yours - then dump them immediately. You need to at least feel like you're their priority for the evening, else why bother?

 

Totally agree with this first sentence in particular. I would also say:

 

I think you're giving too many marginal (and obviously mismatched) guys an opportunity, and you are letting it affect what you believe your worth is and your "story".

 

Why should the opinion of a guy who is not a match for you in many ways matter much at all? He sounds like he's reacting to your anger too which should have been how you see him calling you "crazy".

 

That said, I don't think you should be reprimanding, scolding or even too much wishing that guys will be this or that on the first dates. You should sit back and observe. If it's not right for YOU, walk away. No real purpose to telling them off. Consider this "information gathering" process.

 

I think you are too much internet dating TBH. Even in your original post, you list it like, well a list, like people who internet date and think they are ordering a boyfriend do. You should try to find a way to squeeze in time for friends & activities so you see the nuances and have the opportunity to date people from real life. It won't always go perfect but often can be more rewarding. I think as someone said above you should post your profile or talk to the community with threads as you are talking to, messaging with someone so you can get some guidance (maybe there's a little of naivety?). As far as every guy only wanting sex, you need to put that type of thinking out of your head. Real fact is every guy does--but some want it in a committed relationship and some in casual dating and some just a one off. Don't do such black and white thinking because it only hurts you. Truth is, you want sex too--probably eventually with a guy who cares about you. It's up to you to set the parameters in which you can find that person: better screening, better boundaries. Make them jump through hoops a bit more. Like don't go to that guys house. (though if you discovered his living condition and it's not for you, i.e. filthy maybe you dodged a bullet yourself).

 

Anyway don't let this ding your self-esteem and keep fine tuning your dating.

cdjudd Member

cdjudd

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You are not crazy and please don't let some jackass make you feel otherwise. When it comes to a suitable partner, you will only find the best ones for you when you are not looking. I don't know why this is but it seems to be the way the universe works and nothing you can do will alter that. I spent many years of my life looking for the perfect mate and always found myself with someone who wasn't right for me.

 

 

 

Also, real men don't bash women, period. Please do not question yourself because you haven't found the right one yet. You have to think in terms of numbers how many people we are actually compatible with when it comes down to it. Otherwise, all these relationships wouldn't be as unsuccessful as they are.

coolheadal Established Member

coolheadal

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I have to say it's hard when I live in a party city as well. To filter out guys is almost like a full time job here.

 

My dear you have a very rough time online men I see. You really need to screen them out.

 

1. Text for a few days, then share cell numbers and then talk more on the phone.

 

2. You really need to talk to them live because you can't get to know someone only by text messaging.

 

A lot of these guys like women are married, or living with someone. Or just not divorce yet. I met a lot of women like this. Not easy. I am like you in a way about the house and work. But again it's me I want so much and yet everyone else has their own agenda and being strangers an anonymous makes for strange bed fellows.

 

Casual Sex big issues today quickies, one night stand type.

Leave this alone and move on.

 

Relationship type those are nice guys

 

Jerks, bad boy's and aggressive types you seen in that dirty house with the brother and kid. They need a woman to clean-up their mess. You did the right thing to leave.

 

Your not crazy they're all crazy men who don't know how to treat a woman like you with caring respect. You my want a good looking my but you want so much more.

 

Write down what you want in a man and when you chat with these strange men online you need to ask them the questions you want the answers to hear. If you don't get those answers then move on.

 

Yes you don't pay for dates they suppose to pay. If they don't have a job or any money you don't want a dead beat.

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