I'm being called crazy by dating partners... So what am I doing wrong?

[sunflowerandclouds94]

I'm 24- having a really hard time dating. I do mainly online dating because I don't go out except for work and school. I'm an introvert but I'm sociable as well.

So I'm able to get dates... That's not hard. However the guys im getting dates with either ghost me, we fade or they tell me I'm crazy.

I've tried different approaches. What I look for in a man is someone ambitious, kind, likes to travel, likes to eat, patient, financially smart, and etc.

The guys I go on dates with are always opposite. Lazy, likes to stay home, good looking BUT only wants sex and not form a relationship. I've tried have sex on the first date, guys walk away after. I tried waiting on sex, although guys push on it so much that I get the feeling they only want to have sex and that's it. I've been on dates with guys that have great careers but they just broke up with an ex and they're "scared". I've gone on dates with good looking guys who don't work at all. I've been on dates with ones who do work but like to sit at home or they're always on their phone and don't talk to me.

 

I would like to say I'm normal. I'm not over the top pretty but I work hard.Im weird but a funny weird. I make time for people I care for. I have great friends who are always positive and have my back. I finance myself and I'm going to school/ working. I also try to squeeze gym days in there when I can.

 

Now not all guys say I'm crazy. The title is referenced to my most recent date. Met him online. He's older than me and he's a sales man(not for drugs). We first met and he was handsome but I noticed he was always on his phone. I ignored it. He said he's looking for a relationship and I told him I want to date to get to know someone then be in relationship. On the first date he asked to Netflix and chill. I said no I don't do that. Then he went on a spill on how society creates these rules on sex. He set up another date to go to a museum. I was excited but he said on one condition that I drive because he doesn't want to. I assumed it was because of money so I said ok. We text in between and when we texted he would only send messages like "hmm" or ":)". Literally one word messages. When we met next we ate dinner. He was on his phone again but I ignored it. Then we went to the dog park. He proposed we meet at his house next. I told him if he's looking for sex he needs to tell me because I don't do that. He told me no hanging out at someone's house isn't always resulting to sex. We talked it out and next day I met him at his home. He lives with his brother and brothers son( Home is FILTHY). We watch a TV show and he's on his phone not talking much. I'm bored out of my mind so I leave. I texted him asking if he's ok. He said yeah but I was acting weird because I wouldn't lay on his bed and he couldn't kiss me. Right there I knew hes just trying again to get me to have sex.. I told him he's contradicting himself and that the way he communicates is irritating and I cancelled the musuem. He replies with just a frownie face. I got really angry and told him off. I told him I didn't mean to be rude but he's always on his phone, he doesn't try to get to know me and he replies with just emojis and it's irritating. That idk if it's a money issue but I'm not going to pick a man up to take us on a date when he's not even investing in me. Also how he calls women bitches and that's not right." He tells me "alrighty then. That I wasted his time for the past week and that I'm a whole lot of crazy and he's glad he avoided me."

 

That hurt to hear that he was glad he avoided me. On top of that I have a bad family background. My grandma tells me I'm not woman enough to keep and get a man.

 

I'm starting to really think I am crazy. I come to forums here to get help and maybe you guys can tell me what I'm doing wrong because in my mind I don't feel like I'm doing wrong but obviously I am.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You are 100% NOT crazy. You sound like a great catch!! Don't give up. But maybe try to meet people in other ways. I'm old enough to be your mother, but I don't picture online dating really being a "relationship" place for lots of boys in their twenties.....

 

You need a man.

[isolatedgothic]

Oh my gosh. Run, run, run from this guy. By calling you "crazy" for not giving in to his every [really bad] idea and whim, he is belittling you and hoping you'll be dumb enough to give him whatever he is after.

 

If he texts again, block him. Hopefully he is gone, but he is a problem looking for a place to happen. The only men who call women "bitches" and "crazy" are abusive ones. You can tell him I said that.

 

Run, I say. Run like Bambi's mother!!

[Garcon1986]

I am looking for someone like you! hehe.

 

But in all seriousness consider sharing your online profile text, and maybe we can sort out why you are attracting the guys that you don't want to attract.

[central]

I think you're giving too many marginal (and obviously mismatched) guys an opportunity, and so your success rate is low. Keep screening as much as possible before meeting, and keep the first date on the short side but do something where you can have a conversation and learn about them. If there are ANY warning signs or red flags, don't see them again.

 

You'll go on fewer first and second dates, but hopefully the dates you do go on will be better. The guy you're looking for is 1 in 500, just like the kind of woman I sought was 1 in 500. Many people have some of the traits you want, but few have most - or all. Only date those who seem to have most, and you'll have better results.

 

IMO, no sex on a first date. Maybe second or third, if you feel a good vibe. You'll still get some disappointments and encounter some players, but fewer. If they aren't showing real interest in you - like this last date of yours - then dump them immediately. You need to at least feel like you're their priority for the evening, else why bother?

[sunflowerandclouds94]

I am looking for someone like you! hehe.

 

But in all seriousness consider sharing your online profile text, and maybe we can sort out why you are attracting the guys that you don't want to attract.

 

This is literally the text I have on my dating profile right now.

____ local!

I like to blog, road trips/travel, watch horror movies, go to the gym, and etc!

Looking to get to know someone! Friendship or Dating!

[sunflowerandclouds94]

You are 100% NOT crazy. You sound like a great catch!! Don't give up. But maybe try to meet people in other ways. I'm old enough to be your mother, but I don't picture online dating really being a "relationship" place for lots of boys in their twenties.....

 

You need a man.

 

I keep telling myself to get off online dating because nothing good has come out of it. Perhaps it's my downfall.

[stillafool]

Stop going out with good looking guys and go out with nice ones.

[sunflowerandclouds94]

Oh my gosh. Run, run, run from this guy. By calling you "crazy" for not giving in to his every [really bad] idea and whim, he is belittling you and hoping you'll be dumb enough to give him whatever he is after.

 

If he texts again, block him. Hopefully he is gone, but he is a problem looking for a place to happen. The only men who call women "bitches" and "crazy" are abusive ones. You can tell him I said that.

 

Run, I say. Run like Bambi's mother!!

 

Yeah there was something wrong with him. I should've known when he was always on his phone. Like that is so rude. He never said "sorry I have to be on my phone at home but for work" or anything. Just plain rude and spoiled and thinks his good looks will get him everything.

[sunflowerandclouds94]

Stop going out with good looking guys and go out with nice ones.

 

I DO go out with nice ones. I go out with ones that aren't my type either. The nice ones are great. We just fade out because after time I don't necessarily feel a physical connection with them. I do remain friendly with them and I'm honest up front.

[Garcon1986]

Alright so that profile doesn't tell me how you are different than any other girl. I assume you get lots of not particularly special messages in response.

 

-include a few lines on what kind of guy you care about (generic guys are messaging you because your profile is generic)

- spend some time pre-screening them before you agree to date

- and then spend some time on the date trying to judge the bonding and quality of the conversation, more so than you are doing already

[sunflowerandclouds94]

I think you're giving too many marginal (and obviously mismatched) guys an opportunity, and so your success rate is low. Keep screening as much as possible before meeting, and keep the first date on the short side but do something where you can have a conversation and learn about them. If there are ANY warning signs or red flags, don't see them again.

 

You'll go on fewer first and second dates, but hopefully the dates you do go on will be better. The guy you're looking for is 1 in 500, just like the kind of woman I sought was 1 in 500. Many people have some of the traits you want, but few have most - or all. Only date those who seem to have most, and you'll have better results.

 

IMO, no sex on a first date. Maybe second or third, if you feel a good vibe. You'll still get some disappointments and encounter some players, but fewer. If they aren't showing real interest in you - like this last date of yours - then dump them immediately. You need to at least feel like you're their priority for the evening, else why bother?

 

What's a good process for screening??

I usually ask then what they like to do, their goals, and etc.

I ask if they have siblings or favorite food and music.

[sunflowerandclouds94]

Alright so that profile doesn't tell me how you are different than any other girl. I assume you get lots of not particularly special messages in response.

 

-include a few lines on what kind of guy you care about (generic guys are messaging you because your profile is generic)

- spend some time pre-screening them before you agree to date

- and then spend some time on the date trying to judge the bonding and quality of the conversation, more so than you are doing already

 

My profile bio usually changes

Before I had my bio as : Mangos are gross. I've never seen starwars and I like pineapple on pizza. Change my mind.

 

I still got generic responses tbh.

[sunflowerandclouds94]

Alright so that profile doesn't tell me how you are different than any other girl. I assume you get lots of not particularly special messages in response.

 

-include a few lines on what kind of guy you care about (generic guys are messaging you because your profile is generic)

- spend some time pre-screening them before you agree to date

- and then spend some time on the date trying to judge the bonding and quality of the conversation, more so than you are doing already

 

I will try this approach as well!

[lovelymay]

You’re not crazy, he’s just being an *******!

[Scarlett.O'hara]

You're not crazy, but I do think you could benefit from better screening of your dates.

 

Take this recent guy as an example. His words and actions were enough to rule him almost immediately. So many red flags!

 

1) His immediate request to Netflix & Chill, before a proper date (wants the opposite of what you are after, making it pointless to continue).

2) His rant about social conventions regarding sex (completely inappropriate and a clear sign of a bad attitude towards not getting easy sex = deal breaker).

3) Always on his phone, which shows either a lack of interest or lack of basic manners and respect (either way it should be a deal breaker).

4) Lack of effort when it came to messages and contact (laziness or poor communication skills = yet another deal breaker).

5) Would only bother going out on a real date if you picked drove him and go to his house (Need I say more, this guy was a loser).

6) Annoyed at you for not lying on his bed (seriously, this was never about getting to know you, it was only ever about sex).

 

This is an extensive list of red flags and very clear signs that you are wasting your time. If you are able to establish any of these red flags before you meet a guy, filter them out because you clearly want and deserve something better than this.

 

You may not know until the first date, in which case, excuse yourself and leave. I understand why you felt the need to call him out on it, but you have to be aware that if you do call a guy like this on his behavior, he will not hesitate to retaliate and try and hurt you.

 

What he said was clearly not true, but if you are sensitive at all, it might be better to just end it without specifics and then block.

 

Better screening will help you find better quality men, I'm sure of it. Also, don't exclude the possibility of meeting someone in person through a new hobby, group, or perhaps volunteering. If you are a bit of an introvert, it might be a great way to get out more and meet people.

 

Good luck.

[sunflowerandclouds94]

You’re not crazy, he’s just being an *******!

 

The only thing I'm wondering for myself and if I am crazy is that he said he is a reserved person and that he stays on his phone because of work.

[sunflowerandclouds94]

You're not crazy, but I do think you could benefit from better screening of your dates.

 

Take this recent guy as an example. His words and actions were enough to rule him almost immediately. So many red flags!

 

<snip>

 

Thank you for your response! I'm going to definitely screen better. I need to stop giving people chances when we are obviously a bad match and the red flags.

Edited September 23, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[MaleIntuition]

Sometimes people use the term red flags a bit to loosely, but in this case they were definitely real.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

The only thing I'm wondering for myself and if I am crazy is that he said he is a reserved person and that he stays on his phone because of work.

 

Is he an air traffic controller from his phone? A surgeon who performs remote surgeries? A 911 operator? Why would he need to be on his phone ALL the time for work? He's just a jerk, not someone so important in his job that he needs to be on call 24/7. I think you know this . You seem quite intelligent.

[preraph]

You're not crazy. He, like so many, are just looking for sex. Maybe put in your profiles, "I'm not interested in hookups." It is a sad fact that there are just a lot of guys out there looking for convenient inexpensive sex. This guy had no other interest in you. If you change your profile, you'll probably get fewer guys, and some of them will still just take it as a challenge and come at you for just sex, but it's worth trying.

[nospam99]

TL : DR Choose wisely young padawan.

 

What I'm about to write is generic enough to probably make more sense as it's own thread. But ... I'm 'inspired' to write it in response to the OP. (Young) lady, perhaps what you are doing that is 'preventing the results you want' (I won't say 'wrong') is just not picking the 'right kind' of guy to date. I will submit for your review below, MY dating tactics (I'm a guy) based on my opinions about dating. I'm old enough to be your grandfather, but in general my tactics now are almost the same as they were in my twenties. The main thing that's changed is having web sites to meet dating partners.

 

The first thing to consider is what are you dating for. I'll assert that the main reasons people date are to have sex, to have non-sex fun, and to search for a long-term companion. The reasons are not mutually exclusive and anyone may be dating for any combination of those reasons. As a young woman, OP, if you are dating to have sex I can't imagine you'd have any trouble finding a 'partner du jour'.

 

However if you also (or only) want non-sex fun and/or to find a long-term companion, you would be wise to screen 'candidates' to try to determine if that's why they're dating, too. Communication! Before dating, negotiate. Try to get an idea of why they're dating. Explicitly ask what they like to do on dates.

 

As for my tactics, when I meet a woman we talk. We talk about lots of things, importantly what each of us likes to do for fun. 'Fun' date activities that are almost always 'in play' are movies and meals out (later if the relationship develops add meals 'in' i.e. home cooked at one or the other's home perhaps with both parties participating in preparation and clean-up). Beyond that, sports or entertainment - tennis, golf, skiing, hiking, dancing, museums, theatre, concerts, sight-seeing, wine-tasting, bar hopping (not my thing) - there are many non-sex fun things to do as a couple that also provide time to get to know each other. And talk - talk while having fun, talk on the phone (I'm old so I'm NOT a 'text person' - too slow and too impersonal). Be willing to suggest 'new' things to do together (I did scuba at my ex-wife's suggestion but we both ducked out of sky-diving).

 

And you can pick and filter the men you choose to date based on how comfortable you feel about the activities they want to do together.

[spiderowl]

I think maybe you are not seeing what these guys are like. I am sure I would have had the same problem when younger, I was just naive and looking for affection and romance.

 

May I suggest you look for good qualities not necessarily good looks.

 

Bear in mind that people might say they are a certain way, but actually not behave like that. For example, a guy I knew said he was soft-hearted and kind but was rude to a waitress who was clearly rushed off her feet. Pay attention to actions not words.

 

If you are looking for a responsible, kind, caring, polite guy, then look for actions that show that these traits are natural to him.

 

I think you will soon be filtering guys a lot better once you stop being distracted by looks or bravado.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Explicitly ask what they like to do on dates.

 

 

Excellent advice. And so easy! A great screening question .

[sunflowerandclouds94]

I think I have noticed your problem, and it is a common one. You keep going on dates with all these different good looking guys who are either losers or treat you like crap, which you admit you ignore, but you aren't attracted to anyone else. Now, I have very little to go on here, but I would have to guess that you have unrealistic expectations for yourself. You say you aren't all that pretty yourself, but you keep chasing after these good looking guys. That is most likely your problem. Those guys will date you, just like the handsome salesman did, but they aren't going to be interested in anything long term. They will relegate you to side chick status.

 

You are right. I have a problem where I am going only for looks.

However when I say this guy is handsome, I meant to me. I mean in person he did have a huge beer belly and unclean face/hair but he was still "handsome" like he had those good symmetrical features. Do you know what I mean? But yes I do see and understand your post.

Edited September 23, 2018 by sunflowerandclouds94