unimack Posted September 22, 2018 Posted September 22, 2018 (edited) Met this boy over a dating app in April when I was at a really good place in my life. I felt ready to try new things and put myself out there. Had just booked my first solo travel trip to Europe for about two months in the summer and was excited about everything to come! Matched with him, got to talking, and we agreed to head out for drinks immediately. No beating around the bush! I loved the spontaneity and had an amazing date with him. Felt like we clicked immediately. We ended up back at his and, yes, I slept over. In the time that we spent together that night he explained to me that he had VERY recently broken up with his long term girlfriend and was simply looking for a hookup at this point in time. I was totally fine with that as school was coming to a close for the summer (we are both university students; I'm 24, he's 22) and I wasn't sure I was ready to commit to anyone just yet after having recently been through a tough breakup myself. Fast forward about three weeks and we've been spending a bunch of time together. He was always honest with me about what he wanted out of this relationship, making his boundaries very clear which I appreciated. But I couldn't help but start to fall for this guy that I was sharing everything with. Then one day as we were lying around I could tell something was on his mind. I asked, and he revealed to me that he is bi. I was the first person he said that out loud to. It meant a great deal to me that he was comfortable enough and trusted me enough to tell me what had been on his mind. He mentioned that his desire to explore things with other men had been a factor in his breakup and that he has just been feeling a bit mixed up since. As I felt we had become close, I wanted to support him the best I could. I really cared about him. The summer came quickly and he moved back home from our uni town for work. We kept in touch and conversation turned towards exploring our sexuality together. I've always wanted to try new things and his spontaneity and sense of adventure was contagious. Upon heading home, he ended up going to a sex club by himself just to see what it was all about. He had an amazing time and asked if I would like to join him. I basically jumped at the opportunity, hopped on a bus and prepared myself for what would be a very memorable night. Before getting to this sex club and after we had a few days alone together, I realized my feelings for him had grown quite strong. I wanted to make sure that I felt safe in the club, that he wouldn't run off leaving me vulnerable and alone. We got to talking and he admitted he was developing feelings for me too but was not wanting to commit due to our upcoming 4 month separation, his need to figure his sexuality out and come to terms with his recent breakup. There were family issues he was dealing with piled on top of that. I completely understood how he was so overwhelmed. We had an incredible time at the club and I came back home only to realize how deeply I cared for this guy. About a week later, I mentioned in a text how I had been feeling. He was very honest in his response saying he was sorry but he just couldn't reciprocate and needed space. I accepted it and let things lie, not reaching out to him again for months. Cut to me, alone and drunk after a bad date with a random guy in Paris, texting this boy from back home, just wondering how he's doing and if he's okay. We chatted for a while as I got on my flight back and then there was nothing for about two weeks. Finally, I get a long message from him apologizing for ghosting as he just didn't know what to say. He said he couldn't continue a relationship that looked like this. Maybe we could revisit things when back at school in September but he would be quiet for now. I wrote back with a short note saying of course he had no obligation to see me again! It was fine! (Even though it still stung a bit). He responded saying not to worry, he still liked me, he just needs space. Well, September is coming to a close already and I haven't heard from him. I tried telling myself at first that he's busy. He's got so much on his mind. Maybe he'll come around in a week or so when thing settle down more. But now I'm thinking he's really not coming back. I've seen him on the dating apps and I assume he's wanting something easy, non-committal, no strings attached. But after all we shared together, there are some MAJOR strings. I think I'm just incredibly confused. He opened up completely to me at a time when he was vulnerable and I thought that might mean something. Maybe I was just there to help him cope? To be a sounding board, a friend and a warm body to hold? Now I'm sitting here missing him and mourning a relationship that was never really there. Have any of you been through something like this? How do you get over someone who was so emotionally unavailable yet shared a great deal with you? Edited September 22, 2018 by unimack typo
FMW Posted September 22, 2018 Posted September 22, 2018 Use the same techniques to get over him as you would any other relationship that doesn't work out. It's hard, because even though he was honest with you from the beginning you developed deeper feelings and couldn't help but hope the strong connection would make him change his mind. But it didn't. So you don't have the anger you might otherwise have to help you get past it, but the issue is still the same. I'm sure he cares about you but his words and actions show that what you want from him is not an option. Don't let yourself keep hoping.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 22, 2018 Posted September 22, 2018 I've seen him on the dating apps and I assume he's wanting something easy, non-committal, no strings attached. But after all we shared together, there are some MAJOR strings. For you, yes, but not for him. He doesn't apply the same emotional significance as you did to what you two shared together. It doesn't mean he doesn't care, but he views these experiences differently. He is able to separate his emotions from it, because he just doesn't feel the same way about you that you do about him. I think I'm just incredibly confused. He opened up completely to me at a time when he was vulnerable and I thought that might mean something. Maybe I was just there to help him cope? To be a sounding board, a friend and a warm body to hold? Probably a combination of all the above, really. It's going to be best to stay No Contact with him.
smackie9 Posted September 22, 2018 Posted September 22, 2018 He set boundaries for a reason...he wants to be free and to explore his sexuality. Tho he is fond of you yes, he's not looking for what you are looking for. It wasn't meant to be. I get it, you were excited and hopeful it could mean more. I think you are hanging onto lost hope here, and yes going no contact will help you move on. 1
damni Posted September 23, 2018 Posted September 23, 2018 He broke up with his girlfriend to explore his sexuality, of course he is not going to jump into an relationship with you. Let this guy go, he is not the one or ever will be the one.
I'veseenbetterlol Posted September 23, 2018 Posted September 23, 2018 He set boundaries for a reason...he wants to be free and to explore his sexuality. Tho he is fond of you yes, he's not looking for what you are looking for. It wasn't meant to be. I get it, you were excited and hopeful it could mean more. I think you are hanging onto lost hope here, and yes going no contact will help you move on. Bingo! Do not wait for him or feel sorry for him, he will never commit to you and will do this again if you get close to him. Emotionally unavailable guys are absolutely the worst and I have experienced them. When a guy told me straight up we wouldn't work out, that hurt A LOT less then when they ghosted or made excuses. Let him stay a ghost. No decent person will treat you that way. Think of it this way, he can take up on the offer anytime w/no strings and on top of that you feel sorry for his life circumstances. If a guy wants to be w/you, he will be w/you.
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